Devastated

[alwaysconfusedd]

fell in love with a guy for 5 years.

This is the latest message i sent him :

im convinced u and I love each other....and u cant convince me otherwise !

happy new year !!!!

c u in a few months !!!!!!

 

 

HIS RESPONSE :

guess ur not getting the message and u said it clearly .. U leave me with no choice but to stop communicating with u ... Hope u respect my decision and good luck

 

MY reply : ( trying to save face ...but a bit too late for that)

that is a good idea It is for the best

HIS RESPONSE :

It has always been , please for once stick to what u say ... Gbye

 

MY REPLY :

ok

HIS REPLY :

thank u.

 

 

whenever i saw this guy ( for the past 5 years ) we were always intimate , but we never had sex.

basically now i feel horrendous...... i feel stupid , i think this experience is going to last forever, and I will develop some kind of complex or commitment phobia.

I'm really afraid now of falling in love and getting hurt , and I dont understand how he can be so brief and cold in his replies.

what am I going to do.

[alwaysconfusedd]

how do i put this behind me and not develop a grudge ?

[IfiKnewThen]

I am sorry you are going through this. i know youre hurt , frustrated and feel bad for what you did/said on top of it. but honestly..i think you handled it fine.

 

i know you you said you were convinced the 2 of you were in love. i am not saying that was a good thing to say..because its WAY WAY better to have the male pursue YOU.

 

but TRY to look at it this way so to not beat yourself up and so that you can live with the thing you did at the MOMENT.

 

think to yourself: 1) you took a chance and was yourself...and put your heart out there and that makes you brave 2) you didnt play games when it came to love and your feelings. yes it is alway best to have them pursue you through "attraction". and if they lost attraction or dont have the attraction you can try to create or recreate the attraction. but what is done is done and its not so bad...because he wont take himself to seriously through what you said "if" he doesnt hear that kind of thing from you again.

 

3) he wont admit it but he likes the attention. most people cant stand having something THEN losing it. so its likely that once you dont give him amy attention anymore...he will think...hmmmm? where did she go? why doesnt she call me anymore or give me ATTENTION. even if a guy is not into you, then then to MISS the people who WERE into THEM and are no longer acting like that or shwoing it anymore. (trust me on that). i dont care if he found a g/f tomorrow. his ego will miss you along the way. think from that platform because it tends to be truth.

 

4) you DID say "its a good idea , its for the best".

 

he mocked you and said: It has always been , please for once stick to what u say ... Gbye

 

so, SHOCK his cocky ego and sure of himself attitude towards you and LIVE up to NOT calling him , texting him ANYTHING this time.

 

you sound like you have gone back and forth like a pendulum with this guy. said things then took it back. threatened him maybe and didnt follow thru. agreed with him then reneged. that fine. THIS TIME HOWEVER>>>...make him eat how words and you will NOT have to feel bad for long. let him say ...wow i didnt think she'd do it this time.

 

now is the time to be solid and strong and firm. that will be more attractive to him.

 

he is essentially telling you this and asking you for this. he WANTS you to stick to your word. this doesnt have to be final with him and you. but you have to prove what he "THINKS" he knows about you to be UNTRUE.

 

 

let him know he doesnt have your number as a human being. so this way he wont be so smug and sure of himself and YOU.

 

when you regain that dignity back.....and you WILL, then work on making you stronger and acting aloof around him. get him curious to what your up to. if he contacts you. be vague and brief and cut him off politely and say you have to go. he needs to chase YOU.

 

and if he doesnt in time..... forget him and move on to someone who CAN appreciate you. but always remember the motto "everything in moderation, nothing in access. meaning.....dont be aggressive with you pursuing guys. think of yourself as the total package that has to be earned by someone. dont give up you heart so heavy and strong and verbalize it all . give as much as they give and no more. go slow.

 

you dont have to feel bad for what you did and said. its really is ok. you have to feel srong and believe it and prove him wrong about being so sure, that you dont mean what you say.

[IfiKnewThen]

typo above-------> "then then to MISS the people who WERE into THEM and are no longer acting like that or shwoing it anymore. (trust me on that). "

 

correction.....i meant to say: THEY TEND to MISS the people who WERE into THEM PREVIOUSLY and are no longer acting like that now or showing it anymore. (trust me on that). "

 

so in other words its good you gave him this attention now. this way when its gone he will have something to miss.

 

 

this thing is DONT tell him you love him or want him anymore. dont have contact with him PERIOD. act disinterest now and happy all on your own. and then he wont be so sure of himself and smug. he think you cant stay away. PROVE him wrong. likely you will hear from him again. then if you do hear from him. act (and be busy) and just treat him like a meaningless friend or associate. he needs to see youre not all crazy about him anymore.

[alwaysconfusedd]

wow , thank u soooo much for ur reply ..it really helped !!! I feel a bit better after reading it, and thank u for not being judgemental.

 

 

i got another two replies from him at 2 in the morning.

HIS REPLY :

ur my friend and that how it will always be .. We been through this conversation a million times .. Thank for ur care and thoughtfullness but its in the wrong context ..pleases stop hurting urself and move on ... I am seeing someone ... Whatever ideas u have are not true at all ... Please move on and I am sorry to have put through this .. U deserve someone who cares as much as u doo . Take care

 

MY REPLY :

i made mistakes.

 

i think the only mistake u made , was ur assumption that we can be intimate/ sexual and still label me a ' friend'

 

 

i'm moving to london after graduation.

 

 

take care

 

HIS REPLY :

Enough saiiiid seriouslllyyyy I am done with thisss pointing fingures and balme thingy ... Tc and gbye

 

MY REPLY :

im not blaming u . I'm just looking at things realistically.

 

thank u for ur apology.

I'm sorry too.

 

i'll miss u , but i think its the right thing to do.

 

take care.

 

 

I tried to be calm, he was acting a bit defensive, but I think my last response was more cool and collected...and reasonable !

My new year resolution : no more contact with him.

in some way i do hope he contacts me and I blow him off...but im not sure about that.

 

thanks for ur help, next time i'll just be smarter !

[TaraMaiden]

There should be no 'next time'.

 

Your mistake was believing that you had to reply to every single text. His mistake was engaging you in any form of discussion that made you believe you needed to reply.

You both played emotional ping-pong, and that's not an olympic sport with any good outcome or outright winner.

in fact, you were both losers on that score.

And now....?

 

Please respect his request.

leave him alone, go complete and total No Contact and look after yourself, and move on.

 

Good luck, be well, happy 2011.

[alwaysconfusedd]

thank u for ur reply Taramaiden.

By ' next time' I was referring to whoever i meet in the future.

 

It is interesting that you call it emotional pingpong and that we are both losers. From how i understood things....i'm the only one who lost..he didnt care so he doesnt lose........

I was the one wasting time and energy on false hope...assuming that the sexual attention he gave me , meant more........

[alwaysconfusedd]

in some way ....his replies made me feel that he feels sorry for me.

 

 

I am not going to repeat this crap again.

 

 

 

Thank u ladies for your help and advice.

[IfiKnewThen]

always. you are spot on. : ). trust me you are smart and i KNOW you ARE GOING TO COME OUT THE WINNER. he had the upper hand because he HAD OR HAS someone else.

 

any woman would likely assume exactly what you assumed. that the relationship could have been more when he crossed over from friends to the sexual realm. even if you didnt give into him....he made that pass. and thats NOT what friends do. (trust me i have been in YOUR shoes)

 

now, its true., if he texts you again.....be absent. please try not to write back. he IS going to miss your affection and attention. i am just getting a feeling about this. he is def taking you for granted.

 

but whether he does miss you or doesnt. you need to let him know that you took your chance........now you are backing off and hes not the end all he believes he is for you. and he ISNT....trust me.

 

when you do something out of character that he isnt you used to ...he will be wondering. in the meantime....get yourself stronger. and dont believe that you have to be in constant or any contact with him for him to remember you ...etc. he will remember.

 

 

he has a g/f fine. he probably wont last with her either. you will find someone more worthwhile. go out. have fun. love yourself. take good care of yourself. i am like the way you handled your text with him.

 

why IS he still texting you? he like the attention. he does seem to still care in that he is telling you to move on. he could have ignored you totally. he didnt. that DOESNT make him a "good guy now" or an interested party. BUT it does say you must have meant something to him, enuff for him to try to reach out.

 

but dont accept crumbs. you want the whole loaf. set the standard now. quietly walk away. ignore any more texts for now and some time to come. then if you want to answer a text in lets say a month or 2 ..or whatever. but give it a real chance first.

 

you tried. be very proud of yourself. now go to the next step.. and try to really really trust it WILL work out. you will be happy again. and this "thing" you think you did is small potatoes. you did not mess up : ) thats the truth!