10 months later, why do I still feel kind of lost?

[This Hurts]

When the breakup first happened in March, I was in shock. I felt lost, abandoned, betrayed, alone, and it was extremely hard for me to cope. I was nearly catatonic the first month. I was still in contact with her the first 5 months post-breakup 'cause I was confused and didn't know what was going to happen (she has Bipolar disorder, untreated, and I didn't know if it was just an intense manic episode since that had happened the year before). Then I decided to stop talking to her. It felt odd at first but then I got the hang of it and the thought of not speaking to her didn't bother me so much any more and I did alright for a while. A couple of months later (hadn't heard a word from her or anything about her), I just got an instant, random craving to talk to her. I tried getting in contact but to no avail. Then a couple of weeks ago we finally talked, and haven't spoken since. It was just a catching up type of conversation, nothing serious.

 

To be honest, these past couple of weeks since we spoke have not been much different than the several months before that, which makes me wonder if she's even the problem, or at least just a very small part of it.

 

After all the shock and terror wore off after the breakup, I still felt lost and like I was just floating around waiting to find some foundation. I cannot express how much agonizing loneliness I felt, and often still do. I stopped eating healthy and exercising as much, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't focus on school, or anything going on around me for that matter. Eventually I decided I needed to get my sh*t together so I could move on with my life, and I tried. I tried making schedules for myself to make it easier, keeping track of anything that inspires me to keep me motivated, everything I could come up with, but at the end of the day I just couldn't do it. I kept trying, though, but I kept failing. Then a little over a month ago, I had some drama in my family and I just felt myself shut down and stopped trying altogether. Although I hadn't gotten far with all the things I was trying to accomplish anyways, at least I was still trying, and suddenly I didn't even have that. And so far it's been the same... just floating around, essentially wasting away.

 

This was my first Christmas and New Years without her in four years. She was my first love, first real girlfriend and had been my best friend since we started dating. I didn't really have any real friends before her, or any close friendships while I was with her, at least none that lasted. I've made friends since the breakup and hung out with new people, but for some reason I can't seem to feel any type of connection with anyone. I crushed on someone for a bit but she ended up liking my best friend, so I've been turned off by the idea of dating or having a relationship in general. People scare me. But sometimes the loneliness is so intense and unbearable that I'm tempted to date anyone just so I can have some company.

 

If there's anything I truly want to accomplish after what I've gone through the past several months, it's being able to be happy by myself. That's one of the main reasons I don't want to date right now even though solitude sometimes eats me alive. I want to be happy completely on my own, and that's the main thing I've been focusing on since the breakup, but I can't seem to reach it.

 

I remember being on here when the breakup happened and seeing people that had been at 8 months post-breakup and doing well and being so excited that I would be doing that well at 8 months post-breakup, too. It's been longer than that, and I feel almost as lost as I did then and it's so discouraging and disappointing. I've tried thinking positive, I've tried changing my mind about people and telling myself that not everyone's the same and not everyone lies and cheats and hurts others the way I was hurt, etc etc, but it hasn't helped. I really want to know what's keeping me so stagnant; I can't seem to figure it out.

 

Any insight will be appreciated. Thank you.

[Karma20]

You stayed in contact with her for 5 months after the breakup, that only prolongs the healing process. You can't start healing till you cut off all contact

[Adi]

Hey, i no how you feel, the floating around, for me i lost the one and i just feel this is how my life will be now, i see friends, date, have fun but it feels pointless, i am six months and i broke up with her.

 

This aint addvice im just saying, there are people all over who feel the same, good luck.

[Good Arms]

Karma20 is right, you have to look at it as though the final break was 5 months later, and that's really not a long time ago. And you may not realise it, but I'd suggest talking to her recently will only have slowed down the 'moving on' process too. So don't beat yourself up too much about the timeframe. I think that's all the advice I can really offer you, because so much of what I read here sounds so similar to where I'm at right now.

 

I broke up with my first real girlfriend too, and she had become my one and only real friend in the relatively short time we were together.

 

It's been a month and a half, and I'm still feeling that catatonic kind of feeling, and still feeling daily shock and terror - maybe some cope with these things better, but I've never been so crushed and scared about anything in my life. The loneliness is overwhelming, and I too find it hard to focus on anything else. I've lost some weight and I feel physically drained. The holidays seem to be making things worse. I've got time off but I'm not using it to plan anything productive. I've just taken to rearranging the furniture in my room today to try and distract myself.

 

I'm desperate for some company too. I've lost a lover, friend and my only company outside of work. But I know what I need to focus on is coming to terms with living alone again, and like yourself, I don't feel I'm getting anywhere yet. It eats me up to think that she's left me to go on living her active and fun life, with her circle of friends to turn to for support and a new guy (I believe). I just can't get my head around how things changed so quickly.

 

But we have to keep trying and not expect to over things by any particular time I guess... I know for me it's early days, and I think because you kept in touch then it's still not a lot of time for you either. I hope some wiser people than myself can give you some support here. All the best.

Edited January 2, 2011 by Good Arms

[Graceful]

To be honest, these past couple of weeks since we spoke have not been much different than the several months before that, which makes me wonder if she's even the problem, or at least just a very small part of it.

This was my first Christmas and New Years without her in four years. She was my first love, first real girlfriend and had been my best friend since we started dating. I didn't really have any real friends before her, or any close friendships while I was with her

I've tried thinking positive, I've tried changing my mind about people and telling myself that not everyone's the same and not everyone lies and cheats and hurts others the way I was hurt, etc etc, but it hasn't helped. I really want to know what's keeping me so stagnant; I can't seem to figure it out.

This Hurts,

 

This is just a suggestion, but it sounds like you may be, at least for the time being, clinically depressed, and you should seek help to get through the knot hole. Lots of people just think they are sad and cannot understand why they can't stop feeling sad, when the truth is they are depressed. Depression is a condition that does go away when treated properly. You know how you can get physically ill? Well, your mind can become "ill" , too, after a trauma, after a loss, when you are grieving. So it's not out of the question that you have gone into a depression. You have many of the symptoms.

 

If you have totally given up on your world, you have shut down, you don't know how to even get jump started after this period of time, I strongly urge you to get an appointment with a therapist and take it from there. There's nothing to be ashamed of. And it's confidential anyhow, so no one will know.

 

With that said, here's another scenario for you all.

 

Let's say you just landed on the planet earth, and you're an alien from the Planet X.

 

But you look just like a regular planet earth human, so no one knows you're an alien. In fact, you look just like another human who already resides here. So one day, you're walking down the street, and someone who knows your "look alike human" says hello to you, and you don't know what to do and panic, but you say "hello" back, and mimic the behavior.

 

Then the friend invites you to a pot luck dinner, and you don't even know what a pot luck dinner is! They ask you to bring a cake or some cookies for dessert, they say "is that ok?" and you say "ok" back even though you don't know what it means!!

 

Then you have to figure out what a cake is, how to get hold of one ... well, do you see where I am going with this?

 

What I am saying is, navigating your way through a broken heart is just like being an alien from another planet. You have no idea where you are, you have no idea WHO you are or who anyone else is, you have no idea where to go or what to do, you don't even know the language.

 

So cut yourself some slack. Ok? And call your physician tomorrow and get an appointment. Then try to smile and envision yourself as an alien because I do think it will make you feel better.

 

I was nearly catatonic the first month. I was still in contact with her the first 5 months post-breakup 'cause I was confused and didn't know what was going to happen (she has Bipolar disorder, untreated, and I didn't know if it was just an intense manic episode since that had happened the year before).

Also, it is quite serious that your ex is walking around with untreated bi-polar disorder, and being with someone like that has probably done a number on you as well.

 

PS HI Good Arms! I'll talk to you soon.

[Mrlonelyone]

I second what graceful said. Get an appointment for some counciling. In most locations in the USA there is state funded or university proivded cheap mental healthcare available.

 

I have been on anti depressants before. They helped me to cope with what was going on. That's what you need.