Dolly Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 Need advice from all the ladies out there who are involved with a married man. I'm having a hard time coping with not being able to see him as often as before. I dated him for 5 months on a deployment and 1 month since our return. He keeps in touch and shows no signs of ending things but is very, very commited to his family and places me second. I'm not used to this and need help. Can somewhere share an experience and suggest what I can do? He says he dveloped very strong feelings for me during our deployment but how do I know how he feels now without asking? How do you know when he has had enough? He constantly expresses fear of hurting me. Why does he do this if he knows that I'm dealing peacefully with the situation? Dolly Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 The way to efficiently and permanently put a stop to being "second place" in a married man's life is to gracefully bow out and go on to find yourself a single man who's available. Why would you want to pick up the crumbs that a married man will toss your way? Why would you want to have to share a man with his wife? Respect his wife and his marriage and let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dolly Posted March 17, 2004 Author Share Posted March 17, 2004 Originally posted by befuddled11 The way to efficiently and permanently put a stop to being "second place" in a married man's life is to gracefully bow out and go on to find yourself a single man who's available. Why would you want to pick up the crumbs that a married man will toss your way? Why would you want to have to share a man with his wife? Respect his wife and his marriage and let him go. Thanks. But I already know that's what I should do. It's just not that easy. There are feelings involved here and you can't just shut them off like a light switch. My question is how do I cope with it? I anticipate that my feelings for him will fade with time...but what do I do for now? Especially if he promises future dates with me. I thought about therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
TGauthreaux Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 How long has he been married? Did you just meet him? Are you in the army or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 Therapy, that's a start. If you are this torn over how to "cope" with not getting all the attention you want from a married man, you are missing the obvious. What you should be considering is why do I give a sh*t about getting attention from a married man? You shouldn't have to learn how to cope with something you shouldn't be doing in the first place. Get out of this man's life, and you won't have to "cope" with it any longer. I don't see why that is so difficult. Focus and find yourself someone else that has no strings such as marriage attached. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dolly Posted March 17, 2004 Author Share Posted March 17, 2004 Originally posted by TGauthreaux How long has he been married? Did you just meet him? Are you in the army or something? He has been married for 18 years or so with 2 boys. He's an Army officer...flies helicopters. I am a helo mechanic. We are also friends...best friends in fact. Another reply asks why I don't leave and there will be nothing to "cope" with. Well, the fact that he is also a friend and mentor and it's not just sexual keeps me clinging to him. We both vowed to each other that we would remain friends. It's just hard for me to not "cross the line" when I'm with him and we always end up doing so. How can I be friends with him without doing more...things we shouldn't be doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 You will need to stop thinking of him as a friend, because he is more than that. In order to change the way things are, you have to change your way of thinking...your way isn't right, and it isn't working. He can no longer be your "mentor", because it's more than that. Get your emotional needs met elsewhere, because there is a reason he's not giving you the time you are wanting and craving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dolly Posted March 17, 2004 Author Share Posted March 17, 2004 Originally posted by Fedup&givingup Therapy, that's a start. If you are this torn over how to "cope" with not getting all the attention you want from a married man, you are missing the obvious. What you should be considering is why do I give a sh*t about getting attention from a married man? You shouldn't have to learn how to cope with something you shouldn't be doing in the first place. Get out of this man's life, and you won't have to "cope" with it any longer. I don't see why that is so difficult. Focus and find yourself someone else that has no strings such as marriage attached. We are best friends as well. It started that way and I think my biggest problem is not being able to leave the relationship as just friends. He plans to continue the affair with me by getting together during weekend drills and whatever other excuse he can find to come out my way. I am even able to call him on his cell!! I can't understand that one. I don't know...I'm rambling now. The point is I want to stop but can't. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 A *true* friend wouldn't have allowed the crossing of boundaries to happen in the first place, because he would respect you as a friend enough to not ever want you to be in the position you're currently IN. Also, he's not much of a friend to his wife, and a husband should be his wife's best friend. To get over him, dig down deep and do some soul-searching...and get in touch with a sense of anger...anger that he's taken part in crossing your lines of friendship and has helped to put you in the position you're now in..which can't be a nice position to be in..you being there, and him being with his wife while you're second place. Can you really have a true friendship with someone who disrespected his own wife that way? Can you really respect a man like that? I always believed that respect has to be the foundation for friendship. Do you agree? As hard as it is, you're going to have to break off all contact with him. Will you be expected to have contact with him in the future, work-wise? Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 If you want to stop, then stop. If you don't want to stop, then that's another story. That's what I'm hearing. If that's the case be prepared for a lot heartbreak, disappointment, and don't expect it to go any further than it has. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by Dolly He plans to continue the affair with me by getting together during weekend drills and whatever other excuse he can find to come out my way. Well isn't that special for him. He gets to have his cake, and eat it too. He gets the love and sex and friendship of his wife, and on the side, he gets all of that from you. What a dog. Doesn't that anger you and cause you to lose respect for him as a person? That he has no problem keeping you as his weekend thrill girl? His mistress? Doesn't that make you feel used and cheap and like you're playing second fiddle? Couldn't he get into big trouble, career-wise, if he's ever caught having this affair with you? And what about you? And on top of that, how can each of you properly do your jobs defending your country if you're both distracted with one another? Hmmmm. Doesn't sound very professional or in keeping with the professional ethics of the military. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dolly Posted March 18, 2004 Author Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by befuddled11 A *true* friend wouldn't have allowed the crossing of boundaries to happen in the first place, because he would respect you as a friend enough to not ever want you to be in the position you're currently IN. Also, he's not much of a friend to his wife, and a husband should be his wife's best friend. To get over him, dig down deep and do some soul-searching...and get in touch with a sense of anger...anger that he's taken part in crossing your lines of friendship and has helped to put you in the position you're now in..which can't be a nice position to be in..you being there, and him being with his wife while you're second place. Can you really have a true friendship with someone who disrespected his own wife that way? Can you really respect a man like that? I always believed that respect has to be the foundation for friendship. Do you agree? As hard as it is, you're going to have to break off all contact with him. Will you be expected to have contact with him in the future, work-wise? We both are still attached to the same unit and will see each other during drills. I have tried to break things off but I get this overwhelming feeling of guilt and the pain is even worse. So I maintain communications with an occasional e-mail and/or phone call. Is this wrong? You guys are right and I really agree with the reply about changing how I think. I believe I am very delusional right now and I am not thinking the way I should be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dolly Posted March 18, 2004 Author Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by befuddled11 Well isn't that special for him. He gets to have his cake, and eat it too. He gets the love and sex and friendship of his wife, and on the side, he gets all of that from you. What a dog. Doesn't that anger you and cause you to lose respect for him as a person? That he has no problem keeping you as his weekend thrill girl? His mistress? Doesn't that make you feel used and cheap and like you're playing second fiddle? Couldn't he get into big trouble, career-wise, if he's ever caught having this affair with you? And what about you? And on top of that, how can each of you properly do your jobs defending your country if you're both distracted with one another? Hmmmm. Doesn't sound very professional or in keeping with the professional ethics of the military. When deployed, there is ALOT of free time! Mostly we would go on walks and discuss military and unit issues. People connect with whoever they can to deal with the events of a country at war. Relationships develop. In the work place...there is no us. And we did our jobs very well. Yes, there are distractions...but distractions can eveolve from any situation. No one was ever aware of what was going on and there was always professionalism by day. Here back at home we may never run into each other if so desired because we do not work in the same section. He is not in charge of me. Only if the friendship continues will we make an attempt to communicate during drill. Yes, I do feel like crap with his plans to have both. You're right and you have me thinking on the right track a little. Please don't have a negative outlook on the military because of my questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dolly Posted March 18, 2004 Author Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by Fedup&givingup If you want to stop, then stop. If you don't want to stop, then that's another story. That's what I'm hearing. If that's the case be prepared for a lot heartbreak, disappointment, and don't expect it to go any further than it has. I desperately want to only be platonic with him. Wanting something and being able to do something is talking apples and oranges. I do agree my thinking has alot to do with it. I should walk away and am going to try. I think talking about it has even helped. I am not able to talk about it to anyone here because no one can know. Thanks for offering advice and showing me how crazy this whole thing is. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I'm just saying that nothing good will ever come out of it. Men don't leave their wives...in fact, they've got even more reason to stay with them when they have an affair. They've got someone on the side adding this feeling of excitement, and that person takes a great interest in them that has fizzled out of their marriage. They've got it all-the security of a married, committed life and the excitement sizzling on the side. For YOUR sake, get off this boat ride, because it will never dock where you want it to. Link to post Share on other sites
TGauthreaux Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Men most definitely leave their wives.Have you noticed the rising divorce rate lately ? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by TGauthreaux Men most definitely leave their wives.Have you noticed the rising divorce rate lately ? Don't be stupid, that's due to internet porn. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Or to the fact that women are no longer tolerating it any more. Men rarely leave their wives for another woman...women are usually the ones to dissolve a marriage. That's a fact, Jack! Link to post Share on other sites
TGauthreaux Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 where is that written about women leaving first? Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Dolly, pay no mind to the mindless drivel of TGauthreux...he's a known "troll" around these parts. You seem like a decent woman and I do commend you for coming here to seek advice and help. That's the first step. You're not a bad person for being mixed up with this guy, you're simply someone who didn't make the best choice for yourself. You're human. I wish I could give you the magic solution to forgetting this guy, but I'm afraid I can't. Maybe other women will read your post, women who've been in your shoes, and they can share with you what's worked for them. Keep posting, there's others in your shoes here, really. Link to post Share on other sites
saintfrancis Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Yes, like me. I WAS in your shoes, but am no longer. The thing that works for me is keeping busy - finding more freelance work, working out at the gym, making new friends.... Building my OWN life, SEPARATE from him. I had that before he came along, I gave up part of it to be with him, and now I'm building it again. Build your life.... YOUR life, not the life you want to have with him. What are your interests, passions, wants and desires? (besides him I mean!) He will never come through for you in building a life together, so really, your only alternative to what I'm saying is to stay in a cave somewhere until you die.... alone. I'm betting you're not going to let it get to that point! Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 Originally posted by Dolly How can I cope with not being #1 anymore in my married lover's life? Don't you realize? You never were #1 to begin with. The #1 person in his life is his wife. You know, the one he's never going to leave? Despite what he tells you and what you tell yourself, this man is not your friend. A friend would never do this to another friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 Originally posted by Fancy Don't you realize? You never were #1 to begin with. The #1 person in his life is his wife. You know, the one he's never going to leave? EXACTLY!!!! I'm around the military all the time. Their 'deployment boinks' mean nothing to them. Most consider such a friend only a F*ck Buddy. If you are happy with that, then learn to enjoy the boudaries your relationship will always have. Also, be prepared to be easily replaced. If you do want out though, tell him you thought you could handle this whole thing casually, but have feelings which would only complicate the issue. Then, do your best to avoid a sexual situation. Good Luck.....these types of relationships just never bring lasting smiles. Link to post Share on other sites
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