Tony T Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 First, I know there are some relationships that are going really great right now. That's wonderful. Sooner or later, there are issues. We have people coming here whose partner hasn't had sex with them in months; there are those whose partner wants sex way too much; some have partners who prefer porn to them; some have partners who are cheating; some routinely go through their partner's computer to see what kind of "evidence" they can dig up; some are bored; some have partners who are abusive, mentally and physically; some have partners who are severely depressed or who have other psychological issues; some have partners who don't want kids and they do; some have partners who do want kids and they don't; some are wondering when their ex honey will come back to them; some are wondering just how soon their partner will leave; many are terrified that they may be pregnant; others are afraid they can't have children; many have mother/father in law problems; a lot of posters are worried that their long distance relationship will not work, etc. etc., etc. It just seems like every relationship, no matter how smooth it may be going at any given time, eventually reaches a point of chaos, depression, jealousy, cheating, or some other form of uneasiness and BS. Are relationships really worth all the crap you have to go through to have them? Is it just better to have an emotionally intimate relationship with a cat or dog? (Mind you, I said EMOTIONALLY) Uh, is it possible to have a long term relationship with a very minimum of BS. I suffer from LCT (low crap tolerance), Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 I am literally in stitches!!!!! My answer to your question, is NO, they are NOT worth all the turmoil. I am working on getting OUT of my current situation, and I intend to refrain from a relationship and maintain that close bond I share with my CAT LOL. That's all I need, is the affection I can give and dote on my cat. I was never one for casual sex, but am thinking more and more that I will be very well prepared for it. I'm right along with you, Tony...I have LOW tolerance. I've come to realize that when there is a certain amount of BS, it simply is not worth it. FedUp P.S. I like how you threw in there about trying to dig up evidence on the other one's computer ROTFL!!!!! How sad <sigh> I just thought that anything I can find like that might come as a necessity when dealing with the court, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 It just seems like every relationship, no matter how smooth it may be going at any given time, eventually reaches a point of chaos, depression, jealousy, cheating, or some other form of uneasiness and BS. Oh dear oh dear! I fear our Tony is suffering from a bad case of 'LoveShackItis'. It is defined as a condition of despair and cynicism caused by too much reading about others' sadness and woes. Life is difficult. I'm not in a relationship and I can promise you that there are plenty other sources of C(rap) that you still have to tolerate. There is only so much you can avoid. Believe me - I've tried to duck a lot of it, but it finds you and smacks you anyway. There's a reason that 'for better or for worse' is in the vows - because you pretty much can't get by in life without some 'worse'. However, if the fates be kind, you find someone so great that the 'better' is tremendous and more than makes up for the 'worse', which doesn't have to be truly horrible. Not exactly sure what the cure for LoveShackItis is. When in doubt, eat chocolate, I always say! is it possible to have a long term relationship with a very minimum of BS Never give up hope! Anything is possible Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I like your posts, Moi! You are right, "for better or worse". I guess it all boils down to each person, as an individual,-what their tolerance level is. As for me, I am FED UP! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Thanks, fedup. I'm sorry you're having a bad time of it. Want a rationalizaton? They really help. This, you see, is a 'teaching relationship'. It's a pothole in your path to your genuine destiny. Once you put your hubcap back on, continue to drive down the road. You may encounter another bump or two, but eventually you'll end up exactly where you are supposed to be! And if I'm wrong, you won't know until it's all over anyway so you can live the rest of your life looking forward to what's next Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Single or comitted, life gives you lemons. I would rather make lemonade with someone, than make it alone, and I'm willing to press a few lemons to get it--which is why I'm convinced I'll succeed. Some think that's what they want, a lemonade partnership, but when they enter into a relationship, they find that their partner makes lemonade differently, and convince themselves they make lemonade better by themselves. They then either make their own lemonade their own way, and don't share with their partner, or they stop making lemonade altogether. Bottom line, they either delude themselves into thinking their lemonade tasted better alone, or they're actually correct--either way it causes problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Dyer, I follow what you are saying, but it's more complex than that. When a couple decides mutually upon certain things, then one goes against that agreement, you can't always turn something bad into something good if there's just no good in it period. You can't make iced tea out of a lemon. How can you make something good out of a cheater? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by Fedup&givingup When a couple decides mutually upon certain things, then one goes against that agreement, you can't always turn something bad into something good if there's just no good in it period. It honestly depends on who you entered into the agreement with, and what you do during the agreement. I'm not going to offend you personally, or at least I'll try not to. I'm not going to imply that it's your fault that your partner cheated on you, but these things don't just happen. There ARE people who follow the rules. They are capable of having a healthy relationsihp. You can't make iced tea out of a lemon. That's what I'm saying though, you either need to stop setting your goal at iced tea when you're given lemons. Just for a little metaphorical clarity, lemons are the obstacles in life. You can either work against one another, or with one another. Re-read my lemon analogy, this time realizing that your partner was the one who didn't want to make lemonade with you anymore--THAT's not a lemon, that's betrayal. But your standard doesn't apply to everyone. How can you make something good out of a cheater? This is up to both of you to decide, and in your paticular case, it doesn't look good. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 There ARE people who follow the rules. They are capable of having a healthy relationsihp. Yeah, but Dyer, there is no hint or clue, no sure-fire test to determine if you have one of those people. Wish there was, but there is not. Nice to think you know the mind and heart of someone, but you never really can. There are a lot of things you can try to increase the possibility that you're picking the right person but in the end, there are no guarantees. If there were, Dyer, somebody somewhere along the line of human development would have figured one out. We are not the only bunch of humans to have ever existed and tried to form bonds, after all. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 LOL! This is like a Doctor complaining that everyone is always sick. People come to LS for a reason. Either they like helping people or they are in need of help. There are lots of people that fall into neither category that you never see. Every relationship has it's ups and downs, yes there are issues but they would often happen whether you are in a relationship or not (eg. psychological problems, childlessness). Why blame the relationship? In fact many are strengthened for having come through something together. Most long term (15 years plus) relationships I know of have had some conflict, usually in the early years in the transition from the "is this just another reationship?" to "are you THE ONE?". Also there are the ups and downs that come with major life changes but as long as there is love and people are able to change and compromise these can be overcome. The two major risks to a relationship are lack of love and infidelity (because of the breach of trust). There are many happy long term relationships that have remained free of these two deal breakers. I guess what I am trying to say (badly!) is that if you want no emotional involvement then get a cat. People are more unpredictable but if you love someone you never feel the difficult times are not worth it and the positive is so great you can't imagine life without them. If in later life my husband and I were to come across some insurmountable problem and the relationship failed, we will have had 17+ good years, two kids, a happy life. That's worth whatever BS may come, may we both be spared. I know sometimes people lack good judgement or are unlucky but it is still true to say that all things being equal you get out of life what you put in, and that applies especially to love. I can't remember where I came across the concept of an "emotional bank account" that you can not expect to keep making withdrawals if you never make an investment but it is very true of long term relationship of all types, including those with children. Tony, you need a holiday Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Tony, you need a holiday I think everybody needs a big ol' group hug. People today are crabby and depressed and cynical and it seems more so than usual. Chocolate all round!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Explaining it to you would be like explaining the concept of sound to an unfortunate deaf-mute. You either believe me, or you do not--neither of which are any loss to me. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I received a private message from Tony's dog today. I won't bore you with the details.... Basically she was whining about their relationship being too emotional and well... not enough.... well you know.... dog biscuits. She likes the Alpo Cheew-eez, they taste the best. What did you think I was going to say? Link to post Share on other sites
ladyangel Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Meanon - Loved your post. Is this the concept you were referring to? I think it's a good one. http://www.partnering.inet.net.nz/a/bank.htm Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 GREAT post, Moi and Meanon. Again, sorry Dyer, but you are simplifying something very complex by suggesting a person gets cheated on because of something they did/didn't do. BTW, you DID imply that it was something I did/didn't do, which is just not true or right. If there was something I haven't done in our relationship, he should have come to me with it and discussed it. He's accountable for HIS actions, period. I've been where you are with your thinking, but I'm now in my early 30's. Life experiences contributes to ways of thinking now. I'm not untouchable, by any stretch, and to think that you are is highly dangerous. There is nothing people can do to have flame retarded protection for emotional turmoil and pain in a relationship. No such thing. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Thanks ladyangel. Yes, how could I have forgotten? I went on a Stephen Covey event with work. It wasn't great but he was amazing. I am deeply cynical about earnest self development normally (just my personality there's nothing wrong with it) but his concepts were so rigorous, global and based on such a sound reading of what makes people tick he could apply them to any person, workplace, community. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I'm with moi and meanon on this one. I cant imagine a relationship NEVER having some kind of problems or issues to get through. But they are lessons. They are there for a reason. And if you survive them as a couple, you come out the other side stronger. If you don't make it as a couple, you come out as a stronger individual. I have a fairly spiritual view of life, and while it doesn't always help me right away, it usually does. Basically, as humans most of us have an innate need to share things with a mate. That's why so many people are on the quest to find that Mr or Mrs Right, or their 'soul mate". It's also why hope does often triumph over experience. I am 30, so I have had my share of heartache and hurts. I even now have had to overcome a few trust issues. But I remain hopeful that my current relationship will last a lifetime, and confident the rewards will outweigh the bad stuff. I am also realistic enough to know there WILL be bad stuff (there already has been!) and that it will take work. But what a great thing to be working on! And how wonderful when/if it eventually involves a family of our own. (not nearly ready yet, but one day...). My partner has come through a divorce, and suffered his wife cheating on him. He swore off women after that, but then he met me and changed his mind! He has regained his faith in love now too. I realise some people are bitter through experience. I hope they can overcome their bitterness, because it doesn't help on the quest to get the most out of life, I don't think. I did a media report on the importance of marriage in society today. The results were surprising. MOST people still had romantic ideals. Most young people still wanted to get married , in spite of soaring divorce rates. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by Fedup&givingup Again, sorry Dyer, but you are simplifying something very complex by suggesting a person gets cheated on because of something they did/didn't do. This is not my implication. I am sorry if you feel that I thought your husbands (likely) infidelity is as a result of your action/inaction. However, there's no need to apologize, I have no obligation to "prove it" to you. I'm perfectly content with 100% percent of the population feeling that I'm naive and lovesick, and can't possibly be experiencing something pure, because in your thirty years you've failed to do so. Personally, like Carly Simon, I'm sorry for everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Dyer, your confidence in your love does you credit but why the need to denigrate others? Who is to say that others have not experienced a love as pure as your own? Not having a go, just interested - you've posted comments like this before. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Thinkalot, I like your perspective on things. Ahhh, but yes, I AM bitter! I have no desire to be in a committed relationship again. My husband has done a wonderful job of devouring any hope that there are decent men out there. My mind may change one day as your partner's did, but for now I am content on spending some time on my own. Dyermaker, I have experienced pure love. It took me about 12 years to recover from the loss of it. They say you only have one, true love. I believe in this. Once you've had it then lost it, it messes you up...considerably. You search for that quintessential relationship you once had, and you try embrace any trace of it in any other relationship you get into there on after. I have experienced plenty in my 32 years...you don't get old bein' no fool Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by meanon Dyer, your confidence in your love does you credit but why the need to denigrate others? Who is to say that others have not experienced a love as pure as your own? Not having a go, just interested - you've posted comments like this before. Whoa, I'm quite sorry. I didn't mean to imply that at all. Forget I said anything, I'm not looking for credit, and I would have trouble phrasing it how I truly mean to, which has nothing to do with anyone else's relationship at all. "Failed to do so" sounds quite antagonistic, but I don't mean that you don't have something great, nor that you've actually messed up somewhere. You don't have what I have, or else you'd know right away it's worth the "bullshxt", because it's coupled with a mutual unending desire to work through such bullshxt. I can't explain it really, without coming off like I'm attacking you, so I'll do my best not to try. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Thanks Dyer I misunderstood you. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by Fedup&givingup Ahhh, but yes, I AM bitter! I have no desire to be in a committed relationship again. My husband has done a wonderful job of devouring any hope that there are decent men out there. My mind may change one day as your partner's did, but for now I am content on spending some time on my own. I honestly hope you can overcome your bitterness, because in our thirties we are still young! Either way, I simply hope you can find real happiness, first on your own, then perhaps later on, with another. Link to post Share on other sites
newcommer Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Are relationships really worth all the bullshxt??? No, no, no. Sorry, but no. I love men. I think men are beautiful and I love hangling around men. I love flirting, I love the way men make me feel when they are flirting and having fun. I love hugging men and holding men, but I don not think relationships are really worth all the bullshxt. We dont want to be alone and we want to believe in something happy, but....No, no, no. Yet we will do it again and again just to prove we can make the difference! Link to post Share on other sites
meagara Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 If you and your man aren't even on the same level in life, why waste the time. It's not puppy love anymore, only if you want it to be, remeber maybe the other doesn't feel the same. Link to post Share on other sites
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