Just needed to get this off my chest

[EmmieH]

First of all: I want to start of by saying that I understand that my distance is not that large, but for a tiny country such as the Netherlands, 3 hours is actually the largest distance possible: It's the distance from North to South !

 

My sweetheart and I have been together for almost 8 months now, with me going over to his place every weekend (Students in this country get to travel for free in weekends by train). We had practical reasons for this: His university course is very technical, he needs to be capable of using a workbench and such in the weekends, whilst I only need my books and a laptop to study.

 

But this has led to the consequence of me building up a 'second life', so to speak within his life. I'm always comfortable when I'm there, but there is also a little nagging voice in the back of my mind reminding me that my world is on the other side of the country. I was intending to celebrate my new year's in 'my city', but in the end chose to celebrate it with him and some friends of his instead. Somehow this led to us having a conversation at 5.30 AM on the 1st of january about his confusion about that choice, since he truly loved having me around and appreciated it greatly (His smile when I told him I'd be spending it with him after all told me enough!) but that he couldn't understand my chosing him over friends. It's difficult because I know friends and family should be always be the primary thing to build on. But it's easier for him, since he's always in close vincinity of his friends when I'm there.

 

The situation concerning my travelling is not going to change, but I hope that I can somehow gently coax him into understand that it's clear that if the distance ever can be shortened, it will be my move and my life that I'll leave. Which means that I need to build on him, but I'm somewhat scared that he's not ready for this *'tightening' of our relationship. 8 months may not seem long, but it feels like a lifestime for us as we've, from the start, actually spent more time with each other than most couples at the beginning of the relationship do. It feels 'right'.

 

*By tightening I mean that I feel that when I make him my primary choice at times over friends, I feel he should be capable of doing the same for me. He does do this in the sense that he listens when I say I need a weekend with 'him', and not with him and company. But I'd also like to see him doing this on his own, without my needing to say this. Am I asking too much?

 

I guess my main question to all you LDRs is whether you recognise this situation, and how you addressed it?

Edited January 2, 2011 by EmmieH

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I don't have much to offer aside from general encouragement but clearly many, many couples have similar causes for concern, and with time they all work themselves out one way or another.

 

IF he's a grand guy and fully worth your continued interest then he will evolve to make more room in his life for you and your world. IF he isn't that person, then it will become clear to you in time, and you will be inspired to look for someone else.

 

Don't put too much pressure on yourSELF over this. Just keep balancing what you're willing to sacrifice for the relationship, with whatever you can get from the relationship in the present.

 

When the equation is out of balance, then you'll know it would be time to move on.

[folieadeux]

Balance is key in any relationship; long distance or not. It's important for both of you to have your own life so to speak, with time carved out for your friends, family, hobbies, school, work, etc.

 

With that being said, I think it's perfectly natural to want your SO to put forth the same effort as you, especially considering that you will be doing all of the travelling and eventual moving.

 

My SO and I make time to see other people during our visits, but the time we spend together is primarily alone. We even shut our cell phones off or don't take them with us sometimes. Our situation may be unique, but we both spend enough time with everyone else in our lives when we're apart that we can afford for it to be just the two of us when we visit without it effecting anything.