What do I do?

[sadlady66]

I really screwed up. I don't know what I was thinking.

 

I am two months from getting married. I was out with a girlfriend on New Years Eve and ofcourse I was drunk.

 

I hate cheaters so much, I even say its the ultimate form of disrespect. I was the last person to expect to do this. I kissed a guy while I was dancing. I cheated on my fiance that I love so much.

 

What was I thinking? I told my fiance since we have a very very honest relationship. Of course he was upset and he has every right to be.

 

He is still deciding what is going to happen and if he is willing to forgive me. Even if he forgives it will never be the same.

 

I really screwed up a great thing. I ruined this. What should I do? Is there anything I can do? I already hate myself so much and still can't believe what and why I did that.

 

Help!

[Keridan]

I'm afraid there isn't much you can do. The damage has been done, but you told him and that's good for some points. It's pretty much on him now.

 

A few things you might try; console/comfort him that it was a drunken mistake, be absolutely transparent about what you are doing with who and when, consider cutting back or out any drinking, and consider counseling. One mistake may not seem worth counseling on the surface, but it's the trust rebuilding you are getting help with.

 

Most of all, let him make his decisions. Be apologetic, but don't push. Assure him you love him and then let him find his own comforts.

 

You absolutely did the right thing in telling him. That will go far, I think. I hope that it all works out!

[PerpetualMotion]

I agree with Keridan.

 

I just want to say that you should only blame alcohol if that's the real and only reason why you kissed the guy. If you don't tackle the real reason, what will prevent you from doing the same thing again or even take a step further next time?

[YellowShark]

I really screwed up. I don't know what I was thinking.

 

PLA-EZE. You knew EXACTLY what you were thinking. Take some personal responsibility for your actions.

 

I am two months from getting married. I was out with a girlfriend on New Years Eve and ofcourse I was drunk. I kissed a guy while I was dancing. I cheated on my fiance that I love so much.

 

What was I thinking?

 

The booze didn't kiss the guy. YOU DID. Ya... you seriously screwed up. Personally if it was me I would dump you immediately. Two months from the wedding and you can't control your drinking... or yourself. Pretty sad. I could never trust you completely again.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh but you basically threw your fiance under a bus for some dude at a bar. That's pretty "f"-ed up sadlady66.

[sadlady66]

I hardly ever drink and I only did since it was New Year's. I know that's no excuse.

 

I really love him and no one else. When I say I don't know what I was thinking I meant to say "I WASN'T thinking".

 

Normally I would always be celebrating with him but we are long distance and we are apart for the holidays. We are finally going to live in the same place in March also when we get married.

 

I know our relationship will never be the same. But I will work my hardest to do whatever I can to save it.

[ComputerJock]

I don't think it was a mistake, I think you did it on purpose because your wedding day was quickly approaching and you're not really ready to get married and this was you way of delaying or stopping your wedding. Why else would you do something so stupid that you knew would destroy the love your boyfriend had for you.

[libra91]

Sadlady66,

 

I understand where you are coming from with this post. I am new here so please forgive me lol. I'm not engaged just in a relationship with a wonderful guy of over a year. Early in our relationship we both made a mistake and have been trying to re-kindle the love we once had. We both have forgiven but it still lingers in our relationship. He is 9 years older than me and I recently graduated high school this past May. We currently live together. I have 'moved on' in our relationship and am still madly in love with him. He tells me that he loves me but doesn't know if he is 'in love' with me. Its heartbreaking to hear that. He also tells me that he is afraid to break-up with me because he fears that he will realize what he had and it would be too late. But doesn't that tell you something right there?

We haven't made-out or really had the same connection as we did in the beginning and I feel like he is pulling away from me. There are days even weeks that go by and its nothing but pure bliss but then those days that he comes home from work upset or stressed out or I do something to annoy him, he starts thinking about breaking up. I get so confused with the indecisiveness and it really does hurt. I love him so much. While he is older than me I feel like I am ready for a family and marriage rather than him. I feel like things are slowly getting better but we need help re-kindling the love we once had. There is so much more to this, cutting this short Sadlady66 I am confused as to what to do as you are. If anyone has any comments I would greatly appreciate it.

[Keridan]

Libra91, welcome to LS. Your situation is tough and I hope you get great advice, but it's different than the OP's problem and probably deserves its own thread. I'm sure if you post it, you will get plenty of comments and advice. Just a little advice to the new person.

 

Sadlady, you are right that it was a mistake and you should be upset at yourself. At the same time, don't let those who are posting only to be negative ruin you. You have admitted your mistake and are trying to own it. Once the harm is done, that is all you can do. Vow to yourself to never make the same mistake again and then hope he believes that vow.

[YellowShark]

Sadlady, you are right that it was a mistake and you should be upset at yourself. At the same time, don't let those who are posting only to be negative ruin you. You have admitted your mistake and are trying to own it. Once the harm is done, that is all you can do. Vow to yourself to never make the same mistake again and then hope he believes that vow.

 

Kissing some random guy at the bar two months from your wedding day is not a mistake. Putting on the wrong socks or forgetting your cellphone at home is. And trying to minimize making out with a dude at the bar by blaming it on "too much alcohol" is even worse IMHO.

 

As an outsider I could not trust Sadlady66 to be my wife at this time in her life since she seems to not know what boundaries are... and that she obviously drinks until she is out of control.

 

I mean really Keridan, did she suddenly forget all about her fiance and wedding when she was sucking face with some dude at the bar? Really? Are you gonna try to sell me that load?

 

PLA-EZE.

[Keridan]

Yellow, you have your opinion of it, that's fine. I don't want to hijack the thread going back and forth about it. No one is condoning what happened, but her question was about what to do now. She didn't ask my opinion of the event itself.

[YellowShark]

Yellow, you have your opinion of it, that's fine. I don't want to hijack the thread going back and forth about it. No one is condoning what happened, but her question was about what to do now. She didn't ask my opinion of the event itself.

 

I agree. What she should do now is inform her fiance that she did what she did and let him decide what he wants to do about it.... and her.

 

But if it was me I would postpone the wedding indefinitely because she obviously can't control her behaviour when she is drinking, and I could not trust her to not do it again the next time she is out with the girls "partying."

 

I simply have zero tolerance for this type of B.S. I would hope the person I marry remembers me when they are sober, or drunk.

[lkjh]

I don't think it was a mistake, I think you did it on purpose because your wedding day was quickly approaching and you're not really ready to get married and this was you way of delaying or stopping your wedding. Why else would you do something so stupid that you knew would destroy the love your boyfriend had for you.

 

 

I think you are looking too deep into this.

 

 

Yellow, she did tell her fiance

 

 

OP, the damage is done. You are now a cheater. You put yourself in a awful position by getting drunk without your fiance and now all you can do is wait. I hate to say this but I don't think he will ever get over it. He may forgive you, marry you, and go on but he will never fully trust you again.

 

Can you answer some questions:

1. Did your friend see you kiss the guy

2. Does your friend know your fiance

3. Was it a short kiss or long kiss

4. did you give your number to the guy

[YellowShark]

Yellow, she did tell her fiance

 

Yup. I know. I read the OP. I bet he was absolutely thrilled to find out his fiance was making out at the bar with some random dweeb on the dance floor 2 months before their wedding.

 

OP, the damage is done. You are now a cheater. You put yourself in a awful position by getting drunk without your fiance and now all you can do is wait. I hate to say this but I don't think he will ever get over it. He may forgive you, marry you, and go on but he will never fully trust you again.

 

I agree with this. I could never get over the fact that my fiance couldn't hold it together enough not to kiss some strange dude at the bar two months before our wedding. I would always be suspicious of her.

 

I know I may be coming off as harsh but I simply don't buy the "I WASN'T thinking" B.S. People don't make out by mistake. That line may have fooled me in Grade 7.. but not now.

[fltc]

Sadlady, please understand that alcohol doesn't make you do anything, it only allows you to do what you wanted to do but were too inhibited to do w/o the booze.

 

So...... you kissed the guy because you wanted to kiss him, now the question is, WHY? You need to answer that and so does your fiance.

[YellowShark]

Sadlady, please understand that alcohol doesn't make you do anything, it only allows you to do what you wanted to do but were too inhibited to do w/o the booze.

 

Exactly. It's ok to "go out with friends to a bar." It's ok to party and get drunk once and a while. It's even ok to dance with your girlfriends, or a good male friend at a bar.

 

But it isn't ok to dance with a strange man at a bar and kiss him two months from your wedding day. The drunk excuse just doesn't cut it. Even drunk sadlady66 should have some respect for her fiance.

 

Once again I may sound harsh but there really are limits and boundaries that need to be respected when one commits to marry another person. I bet her fiance is absolutely crushed to hear she was dancing and making out with some random dude at the bar on New Years Eve.

[lavendera]

Sad Lady, what does your fiance want to do? Yes, what you did was wrong. Dead wrong. I'm thinking that your guilt says it was much more than a simple kiss, but might have been a session or even a private corner somewhere. People have been known to forgive and move on after years of infidelity because they honestly love the partner, and he or she has shown that they will never go there again. It will take a lot of work though. Does your fiance know that you are truly remorseful? Have you told him that you will never put yourself in that situation again? Obviously if alcohol lets down your guard to that extreme, it's a bit of a no-brainer that you should not go there. Have you answered all his questions without getting angry or frustrated? Do you realize that he is allowed to carry this with him "until"? It could take months, or even years before he feels that he can trust you again. Are you ready for that? Sure, you might not have slept with him, but if you're supposed to be in the throes of newly wedded bliss, you sure shouldn't have been locking lips with a stranger in a bar.

 

Here's a link that you can read, your fiance can read, and you can work on rebuilding with him: http://www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse's-Trust-After-an-Affair

Edited January 3, 2011 by lavendera
copy/paste error

[sadlady66]

@Keridan: Thank you for understanding. No one can judge me if they don't really know me.

 

I am NOT blaming it on the alcohol what so ever. All I said was that I was drinking, I didn't say I did it because of being drunk.

 

Everyone has there opinions and that's fine if that's what you think. I have always been one to judge a cheater until I was in that position. Now I have a better understanding, doesn't mean at all for a second do I think it is right.

 

Even my fiance told me I was the last person he expected to do that, because he knows my feelings about cheaters.

 

I am madly in love with my fiance and ready for this commitment. We have a very strong relationship even at the times we were long distance. We are very honest and open and that's why I told him the next morning because I knew I was wrong.

 

There could have been many reasons. One I am so stressed out and maybe I wanted to let it all out. Two: Honestly, he came at me and when I realized what happened I walked away to find my friend. She was getting drinks then I stopped mingling with the guy and his friends. Whatever the reason is I screwed up and I am fully to BLAME. Never did I pass the blame.

 

I made the mistake, I fessed up to the mistake and now I am dealing with the consequences. If it was certainly my intention to ruin something or be unfaithful I could have done more or even kept doing it and not telling my fiance.

 

No matter what you say, I don't care because all I care about is my fiance. Even though you may not think so because I was so stupid to make that mistake. I love my fiance and will always love him.

[sadlady66]

@lavendera:

My guilt is like this because I truly love my fiance. It was a simple kiss while we were dancing and when I realized what happened I left. No session or private corner.

 

My fiance is forgiving me and we are moving on and still scheduled to get married in March. We are going to work hard to get over this. Yes I know he has every right to still be upset and take as long as he needs to move on.

 

I never do anything with out my fiance and when I do I have been smart. This night was New Year's Eve and I wanted to go all out since I have always been working so hard and never really get to enjoy a night out. I took it too far with the alcohol. I didn't watch the normal limit I set for myself and got drunk too fast. I hardly drink and that's why before I always said I didn't want to drink unless my fiance is there. Unfortunately he is in the Philippines and I am in the US.

 

What I did was wrong and I will do ANYTHING to prove to my fiance it will NEVER EVER happen again, which it shouldn't have happened in the first place. Not only did I hurt him or me, I hurt our relationship and it will take some patching up.

 

He knows I am very remorseful and regret what I did and will do anything I can to prove his trust for me again. I have always been a very honest person and we know everything, I mean everything about each other. He is someone I do not want to lose.

[Bryanp]

I think you have been very honest and remorseful with your man. I think you and your husband to be will be fine. You were honest and you learned from your mistake. I wish you luck.

[Keridan]

Well, Sadlady, I'm kinda harsh on cheating for a few reasons, but I think if I were yer fiance in this position, I would probably get over it. It would take me a bit, but you were honest and up front and you are doing yer best to make amends. It also seems like one of those rare times where there wasn't much deeper meaning behind it. That's just what I would be looking for, can't talk for your fiance.

 

Good luck! Keep us posted.