I think it's over...

[aerogurl87]

Last night everything fell apart for me and my boyfriend. The day started out good as we were getting along well till he flipped out on me about his paypal account for no reason (it was giving him issues with sending me some money). I felt really hurt at his outburst as he didn't even apologize and that led to me texting my best friend about it and telling her how I was sick of our relationship going straight to hell. Which it has been doing ever since I got back from my trip to go see him.

 

Unfortunately at the moment where I felt horrible, I texted my ex as him and I have been on good terms lately. I asked him what you should do when you start to feel like your about to make a big mistake. About 10 minutes later he called me and asked me what was wrong. I told him everything about how my boyfriend and I had been fighting nonstop about the most stupidest things and how I was starting to feel like he was pressuring me to move in with him (he did make the comment that if I don't move this month we're not going to make it) and how I was starting to just feel lost. My ex listened and then gave me his honest opinion about how he felt I was rushing things with my boyfriend. He said he could see I was miserable and that he didn't want things to end horribly with my boyfriend like they had for me and him. He said he thought I should wait and give things a little more time and then move after I went back to school, became more financially stable by myself, etc.

 

We talked for about a hour and then I called my boyfriend. I told him about me talking to my ex and he got really upset, understandably I guess. He hung up on me and told me to have fun with my "back up plan" and that he was really disappointed in me. I told him I was being honest with him and that I wouldn't have had to talk to my friends about our relationship if it weren't making me so depressed and miserable as it had been doing. Of course he wouldn't hear any of that and wouldn't answer my phone calls, so I called my best friend to talk to her. Then in the middle of my call my boyfriend texted me to tell me to let him know when me and my ex were done having phone sex. I flipped and told him that I was sick of him and our arguing and that our relationship was over. Then he wanted to finally talk.

 

We talked for about a hour, he cried and begged for me to forgive him for being a jerk (which he has been lately) and I told him that our relationship issues were both our problems. The break up didn't last long as I told him I still loved him and wanted him back. But I also told him I couldn't promise I'd move this month, not with our relationship in such a mess. He didn't really say anything about that but just told me bye and he loved me and he was sorry. And now here we are this morning and I'm so confused. I love him but I don't want things to continue between him and me as they are if I move, I know I'd be miserable. He says the move will end most of our fights, but I'm not completely sure. I just feel lost right now...

[RogueAngel19]

Personally, I think if your boyfriend really wants this to work he would try to talk with you more instead of thinking you moving in will end any fighting. I think it's a load of bull because from experience I can tell you being closer is just going to escalate things instead of fixing them. Chances are you both have issues you need to work out before you intend to move. And if he really loves you'll he'll wait and let you get your life together.

Edited January 2, 2011 by RogueAngel19

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm sorry hun But not surprised to hear this after reading the other thread about your ex. It's so sad though as you sounded so happy with your partner and excited about the future until recently

[aerogurl87]

I'm sorry hun But not surprised to hear this after reading the other thread about your ex. It's so sad though as you sounded so happy with your partner and excited about the future until recently

 

Actually our breakup didn't even really have to do with my ex. It was just him and me not getting along. We've been fighting nonstop and I couldn't take going around pretending to be happy anymore, especially after some of the things he told me recently like he regretted losing his virginity to me. I just snapped, and yeah I know my ex probably isn't helping the situation itself but it's helping me to have someone to talk to without being yelled at. I tried talking to my boyfriend and him only about everything at first, and he'd just brush it off and chalk it up to "the distance". At first I believed him, now I'm not so sure.

[HeavenOrHell]

I just meant I wasn't surprised after reading that you could probably fall back in love with your ex if you saw him again, kind of made what you have with your current bf seem not so solid.

It all sounds so confusing It was pretty horrible of him to say he regrets losing his virginity to you, even if he said it in the heat of the moment.

Pretty frustrating if he won't talk to you about it. It doesn't sound like it's just the distance, I don't know though, what do you feel deep down?

 

 

Actually our breakup didn't even really have to do with my ex. It was just him and me not getting along. We've been fighting nonstop and I couldn't take going around pretending to be happy anymore, especially after some of the things he told me recently like he regretted losing his virginity to me. I just snapped, and yeah I know my ex probably isn't helping the situation itself but it's helping me to have someone to talk to without being yelled at. I tried talking to my boyfriend and him only about everything at first, and he'd just brush it off and chalk it up to "the distance". At first I believed him, now I'm not so sure.

[RogueAngel19]

For your boyfriend to say something so hurtful and then try to take it back later makes me wonder what other things he hasn't told you. If you've ever heard of a 'Freudian slip' where you say what you mean without realizing it. I think he does regret it, even though he shouldn't. I think you deserve to be happy and if he can't make you happy and step up to the plate then maybe he needs to be benched.

[pandagirl]

Ugh, sorry to hear about all of this.

 

I'm just going to throw something out: I feel like your boyfriend might be holding in some resentment against something. Could it be your relationship with your ex? I know you said you guys had been arguing lately, but even though he said he was OK with your relationship with your ex, I suspect he might actually not be OK with it, which would explain his lashing out at you with that "phone sex" statement.

 

This is where relationships make it or break it. Will you guys be able to communicate effectively to work through this? Are you willing to? Is he willing to?

 

I don't think all problems in relationships are "fixable," but most are. Both of you need to calm down, and get down to the root of why this happened in the first place.

[aerogurl87]

For your boyfriend to say something so hurtful and then try to take it back later makes me wonder what other things he hasn't told you. If you've ever heard of a 'Freudian slip' where you say what you mean without realizing it. I think he does regret it, even though he shouldn't. I think you deserve to be happy and if he can't make you happy and step up to the plate then maybe he needs to be benched.

 

I think he does seriously regret it also. I think he just said he was sorry because he realized how hurt I was and was trying to fix it. I've never said anything that hurtful to him ever, in fact I've always tried to hold my tongue when we get into an argument or disagree about something. I know he hates my sexual past and is insecure about it even after I kept trying to reassure him that sex with him was special and meaningful to me.

 

He said he's going to try now, but I'm starting to feel like it may be too late. I don't even know if I really want to work on digging us out of this hole we're stuck in. I don't even want to move to be with him right now.

[tigressA]

I've noticed that you seem to have a pattern of going back to this ex of yours when you're having problems in a current relationship. I'm sure you have plenty of other friends who you can talk to without having to go back to someone who you have a complex romantic history with. Why did the first person you talked to have to be your ex? You should take some time to reflect on this.

[aerogurl87]

Ugh, sorry to hear about all of this.

 

I'm just going to throw something out: I feel like your boyfriend might be holding in some resentment against something. Could it be your relationship with your ex? I know you said you guys had been arguing lately, but even though he said he was OK with your relationship with your ex, I suspect he might actually not be OK with it, which would explain his lashing out at you with that "phone sex" statement.

 

This is where relationships make it or break it. Will you guys be able to communicate effectively to work through this? Are you willing to? Is he willing to?

 

I don't think all problems in relationships are "fixable," but most are. Both of you need to calm down, and get down to the root of why this happened in the first place.

 

The arguing started way before my ex popped back up once again. It started almost immediately after I got back and has gotten progressively worse ever since. I know he has an issue with my sexual past and I think he resents me for not "waiting" for him, although I didn't know him when I lost my virginity. I wish the problems we had were fixable but I've been trying to fix them for the past 2 months or so, to no avail. I told him a few night's ago that I felt like our relationship had come to a crossroads. Either we'd break up and go our separate ways, or we'd stay together and come out of this whole mess alot stronger. Right now it feels like things are heading towards this being the end.

[aerogurl87]

I've noticed that you seem to have a pattern of going back to this ex of yours when you're having problems in a current relationship. I'm sure you have plenty of other friends who you can talk to without having to go back to someone who you have a complex romantic history with. Why did the first person you talked to have to be your ex? You should take some time to reflect on this.

 

Actually he wasn't the first person I went to. The first person I went to was my one of my best guy friends who is like a brother to me, and then to my best friend. I didn't even tell my ex anything till very recently. Yes we have a very complex romantic history, but he also understands how my mind works and he's easy to talk to. I tried talking to my boyfriend about all our problems for like the first month or so. I tried talking to him and only him because I didn't want anyone else knowing we were having problems, but he wouldn't listen to me. So I started talking to other people about it who were close to me, my ex being the last one to know about everything.

[tigressA]

The way your OP comes across is that he was the first, or one of the first, to know of your problems with your BF.

 

I still don't understand why you would go to him...presumably you have other people close to you who know how your mind works. You talked to these very people. I just wonder if you don't still have some attachment to him that you aren't willing to admit to. He does seem to crop up more than an ex should, from what I've seen of your posting history.

 

You and your BF both reacted very harshly in the heat of the moment. It's something that happens with many people, but when it does happen hurtful things are said that are remembered later and still sting. From what you say about his jealousy over your sexual past and that he said he regrets losing his virginity to you...well, that's something I personally would have a lot of trouble getting past if it was said to me. Do you think you could forgive him for what's been said? That's what you need to figure out.

[aerogurl87]

The way your OP comes across is that he was the first, or one of the first, to know of your problems with your BF.

 

I still don't understand why you would go to him...presumably you have other people close to you who know how your mind works. You talked to these very people. I just wonder if you don't still have some attachment to him that you aren't willing to admit to. He does seem to crop up more than an ex should, from what I've seen of your posting history.

 

You and your BF both reacted very harshly in the heat of the moment. It's something that happens with many people, but when it does happen hurtful things are said that are remembered later and still sting. From what you say about his jealousy over your sexual past and that he said he regrets losing his virginity to you...well, that's something I personally would have a lot of trouble getting past if it was said to me. Do you think you could forgive him for what's been said? That's what you need to figure out.

 

I probably still do have a lot of emotional attachment to my ex... actually when I step back and look at the whole situation honestly, I do.

 

Yes he has A LOT of jealousy over my past and it was one of the reasons I was hesitant to date him, let alone sleep with him. I could forgive what he said, but it's the accumulation of fights and hurtful words that I don't know if I can get past. He had told me he was over my past, but everytime we'd argue or something, someway or somehow he'd usually find some way to bring it up. In addition to that I didn't like the double standards he loves to employ, telling me I can't talk to any of my exes or even have them on my facebook because I slept with them. Yet a couple of his ex girlfriends are his facebook friends and he's friendly with them, but it's different because they didn't have sex. So like I said it was alot of things that have brought me to this point, and I'm not sure if I have the patience or will to go back and try to fix everything. He's still pushing me to move too, saying our relationship can't take anything else, but I don't think me changing postal codes is going to make everything go away.

[tigressA]

You're exactly right; moving will not fix a damn thing. It would be a huge mistake.

 

From what you've described, he truly hasn't forgiven or forgotten your past. No one can say if he never will. He's younger than you are, isn't he? I remember reading that he's, what, 19? Many people around that age can still be quite immature, and while they may be into commitment, they don't know how to properly deal with issues that crop up and if their dating/sexual experience is dwarfed by their partner's, they're more prone to jealousy and enacting double standards in an effort to control. They can't quite seem to grasp the idea that their partner's past experiences are part of what has made them who they are, and they fell in love with that person.

 

Your BF's "gunnysacking" (human communication class terminology) is a big sign of his relationship immaturity and lack of effective communication skills. It's the term for when people in an argument bring up grievances that have no bearing on the current issue at hand.

Edited January 2, 2011 by tigressA

[Els]

Hi AG,

 

Sorry that I haven't been keeping up recently. The first thing that strikes me is that one should never allow one argument to dictate the fate of a relationship. It seems you've been having a few ups and downs lately. I noticed a rather recent thread where you were talking about how much you love your guy. Did you not consider those problems you are now talking about, then? Or did you just realize you were harboring resentment over them after the big fight?

 

So I think you need to give yourself a few days to let your emotions settle down and think, what is your true general consensus about the R?

 

Moving is always a big risk, but with potentially big returns. It may fix some issues, but IME very rarely can ALL issues be attributed solely to distance. Still, the issues that it fixes may be sufficient to turn a R from 'going to the dumps' to 'normal R with a few issues'. Never underestimate the effect external circumstances (distance, financial problems, etc) may have on a R that might have otherwise succeeded.

 

Regardless, when you move it should be when YOU are ready, and not just because he is pressuring you to. If he is so fixed on the idea of moving ASAP, why is he not doing it instead? Also, what are the factors holding you back from moving at the moment?

 

As you can see, there are more questions than answers in this post. This is because I don't think anyone, least of all people on an anonymous board, are qualified to tell you whether or not you should move or break up with him or anything in between.

Edited January 2, 2011 by Elswyth

[aerogurl87]

Yeah tigressA, he isn't emotionally mature I think, or at least not on the same level as myself. I know when we first got together and he was all pissy about the amount of guys I'd been with he couldn't fathom how that wouldn't be a problem to me. I told him I didn't care how many people he could've been with before me as long as he was with me and only me when we were together. It's a point he still has yet to grasp and so my sexual past continues to cause tension in our relationship.

 

Regardless, when you move it should be when YOU are ready, and not just because he is pressuring you to. If he is so fixed on the idea of moving ASAP, why is he not doing it instead? Also, what are the factors holding you back from moving at the moment?

 

 

Thanks Elswyth I agree with that too but he's changed his tune a wee bit, not much. Now he's proposing we don't take the idea of me moving this month off the table but give ourselves a few days to think and just reconnect better and if we're better then he wants me to still move. *sigh* Then he wants me to stop looking for jobs in a nearby city, he said it'll sabotage our efforts to get better. I told him I won't stop looking because although I love him I have to look out for myself also, and if I don't move to be with him I'm moving to another city for a better job in the field I want to actually work in.

 

He won't move because he can't make as much money down here as he does up there right now. We're in differing countries and it would be alot easier for me to just move now, than have him try to move here also. The only things that are stopping me are our constant fighting and a point my ex brought up the other day about me not being as financially stable by myself as I should be before moving to another country in the off chance things don't work out.

 

LisaLee: We've been fighting about everything! I can't do anything right, or he'll go out till 3am my time with his friends and then expect me to be up waiting for him when I have work at 9am the next day. Any and everything basically. I honestly can't figure out what is triggering it all, and I've been trying. First I thought I wasn't giving him enough space, but that wasn't it. Then I thought maybe I wasn't being less affectionate or something, but that's not it either. I'm about at my wits end to be honest. Everytime we do try and talk though it turns into us getting mad at one another and if I tell him I wish he'd do XYZ, he'll get really defensive with me. I'm no innocent victim here either, but I at least try to listen to him and do what he asks me to do, but most of the time I screw that up also apparently.

[folieadeux]

Aero, I'm so shocked to see this is all happening. I definitely agree with everyone here that stated that you should resolve all of your issues first before you even consider setting a date to move.

 

How's everything going?

[Els]

What were your thoughts on all these issues before the argument came up, AG?

 

I think you should tell him that you agree that you both need to take a few days to reconnect and think about things, but that you feel it's unfair that he's trying to pressure you into moving when you're not ready.

[kittie s.]

I know I'm not on here enough to have followed your relationship, but I'm very sorry for the way it's going right now

 

It sounds to me like your boyfriend is not at all okay with you going to your ex when you two have a disagreement or problems. Honestly that would really hurt me if my boyfriend went to his ex telling her all of his problems with me when we had a disagreement or a rough patch. It also sounds like he is hurt because you won't move in with him yet. I don't know your situations and why you won't, but it could be why he's being so moody with you. He probably doesn't want to be far away from you anymore and can't understand why you wouldn't want to be closer to him if you have the option to. I wish my SO and I were able to move in together now. If either of us had the option, we'd jump for it in a second. What are you waiting for?

[aerogurl87]

Aero, I'm so shocked to see this is all happening. I definitely agree with everyone here that stated that you should resolve all of your issues first before you even consider setting a date to move.

 

How's everything going?

 

I have a wall up now, he keeps apologizing and saying he wants things to work out but I'm definitely on the defensive now. I told him I needed some space and yet he continues to bombard me with text messages begging for me to come live with him. It's not really helping but I understand where he's coming from.

 

What were your thoughts on all these issues before the argument came up, AG?

 

I think you should tell him that you agree that you both need to take a few days to reconnect and think about things, but that you feel it's unfair that he's trying to pressure you into moving when you're not ready.

 

Before the arguing became worse and worse, I knew about his insecurities and thought he would eventually get over them. I thought we were just going through a rough patch because we'd had a wonderful 3 weeks together. And yes I told him I thought him pressuring me to move when things are like this was unfair but he doesn't see it. All he sees is me not moving there = him losing me. And since my ex popped back up he's now really afraid I'm going to leave him for my ex.

 

I know I'm not on here enough to have followed your relationship, but I'm very sorry for the way it's going right now

 

It sounds to me like your boyfriend is not at all okay with you going to your ex when you two have a disagreement or problems. Honestly that would really hurt me if my boyfriend went to his ex telling her all of his problems with me when we had a disagreement or a rough patch. It also sounds like he is hurt because you won't move in with him yet. I don't know your situations and why you won't, but it could be why he's being so moody with you. He probably doesn't want to be far away from you anymore and can't understand why you wouldn't want to be closer to him if you have the option to. I wish my SO and I were able to move in together now. If either of us had the option, we'd jump for it in a second. What are you waiting for?

 

I know he doesn't want to be away from me for any longer and I felt the same way before till we kept on arguing almost daily. Now I want space to get my head together and he won't give it to me. I honestly think I need to miss him and miss how we were before I left again. But the more he keeps contacting me and begging me to rethink everything, the more frustrated I'm becoming. And I did jump at the opportunity to move although I thought we should've given me a few months to do so. I wanted to move in February or March but he was adamant on it being in January, which meant I had about 2 months to file my application, get a job, and move to his country. I'm still unsure as to what I'll do at this point.

[bboy]

This is a cliché situation.

 

• Your boyfriend argues a lot
  
• Your ex recently got into the picture
  
• You spilled your relationship problems to your ex
  
• You've put a wall up
  
• You now want some space
  

Before I continue, I want to ad to this that I don't know the issues you two are having. What actually is going on and who is to blame I can't tell.

 

I hope you have the ability to see things his way. Because the above five things look like this to him.

 

• We had a lot of argues
  
• She turns to her ex for comfort
  
• He gives her the comfort that she is looking for
  
• She's now not telling me what is going on between us any more
  
• She wants to spend time with her ex to see what she feels for him, without me around
  

I hope you realize what a bad seed you're about to plant in your BF. Even though it was not intentional. Even though his view point is wrong. A LDR means that the other person is completely blind to what is happening around you.

 

In his situation he's probably got a bunch of people telling him:

A.) You're cheating on him

B.) You're cheating on him

C.) You're cheating on him

D.) You're cheating on him.

E.) .....

 

So right now he's getting really stressed. A LOT.

[aerogurl87]

Well I found out today that my Canadian ex decided to send my sister a spiteful text after I broke up with him and told her I left her for my ex, which isn't true. I left him because I couldn't deal with going on being so depressed and stressed out from us fighting so much. And he had the nerve to then lie to me about it afterward saying he was "venting because he had no one to vent to" although he told me yesterday that he was talking to all his best friends about everything and I know he texted my other friend to talk about everything also. I'm really angry not because he talked to my sister, but that he lied to me about it and that he had the nerve to be spiteful towards my sister who hadn't said anything to him since they got into an argument months ago. And since then she had actually apologized to him and he has the nerve to come at her like that behind my back. Ugh!

[kittie s.]

Wait, I'm confused. Who is the Canadian ex? Is this another one? Or is that the boyfriend that you made this post about?

[D-Lish]

I've noticed that you seem to have a pattern of going back to this ex of yours when you're having problems in a current relationship. I'm sure you have plenty of other friends who you can talk to without having to go back to someone who you have a complex romantic history with. Why did the first person you talked to have to be your ex? You should take some time to reflect on this.

 

I agree with the above! Imagine how you would feel if your current partner told you he'd been discussing your relationship problems with his ex? I'd be furious if I found out my bf was having correspondence with his ex, discussing me!

 

You think you were being honest by telling him you ran back to your ex when things started getting to a low point- but that information must have cut him deeply- and made him feel extremely insecure.

 

It's natural to want to vent about things- but it's never appropriate to turn to an ex when you're in a new relationship. That's what gf's and therapists are for.

 

If you're having doubts about your current partner, deal with it without involving your ex!

[aerogurl87]

I agree with the above! Imagine how you would feel if your current partner told you he'd been discussing your relationship problems with his ex? I'd be furious if I found out my bf was having correspondence with his ex, discussing me!

 

You think you were being honest by telling him you ran back to your ex when things started getting to a low point- but that information must have cut him deeply- and made him feel extremely insecure.

 

It's natural to want to vent about things- but it's never appropriate to turn to an ex when you're in a new relationship. That's what gf's and therapists are for.

 

If you're having doubts about your current partner, deal with it without involving your ex!

 

We're not together anymore, I broke up with him and he did go to his ex when we were together. I see what everyone means though, I apologized to him for that since it was wrong on my part. But now that we're not together anymore, I can actually start a career here and I couldn't/can't do that in his country without going back to school there which I neither of us had the money for. We talked again last night and I told him that I was ready to give up everything for him but once we broke up and I looked at everything I started to see all the problems that I had tried to brush under the rug more clearly. I started to see that it wasn't "just the distance" like he kept telling me. There were multiple problems like how I didn't like how close he was to his ex girlfriend and the fact that he wanted me to put my life on hold to make him happy.

 

And no he wouldn't move here if I asked him to, he hasn't even come to see me or meet any of my friends or family. His excuse was he didn't have time to do so, but he didn't work for like 2 weeks straight in December. He had time to come see me if he wanted and he didn't. I had told him after my first visit that I really wanted him to come down to come see me and see how it was like here where I lived and he had promised me he would before I moved up there and he never did or would. I guess that was another issue I tried to brush aside. I don't know, I feel bad that I broke up with him, but I had my reasons.