This is kinda bugging me but I think I'm just being weird

[reservoirdog1]

A few weeks ago I started emailing back and forth with a woman I met through an online dating service. Exchanged a few messages. After a few, I sent her my email address and phone number, figuring she'd do the same. Instead, she phoned me the next night, we talked for about 1.5 hours, made a date for the coming Thursday (just about two weeks ago now).

 

Thursday came, and… damn. It was electric. We both commented on it. We would have wound up in bed that night had we not both agreed to put the brakes on and slow it down a bit.

 

After that, we talked on the phone with some frequency. Our situations are similar: both separated, will be divorcing, both have little kids (one for her, two for me), both were cheated on repeatedly by our to-be-ex-spouses, etc. She has a job that she loves that keeps her really busy at times. I didn't hear from her for a couple of days last week and started to wonder if she was blowing me off. Turns out she wasn't; she'd simply gotten swamped at work. Phoned me last Wednesday, she came over to my place, and we had an amazing night. Woke up the next two mornings together.

 

So, where are we now? We've talked about that. I'm the first guy she's slept with since she and her ex separated. I'm the first guy since then that she's seen more than twice. I'm the first guy she's allowed to meet her little boy (though this was accomplished by introducing her son to my kids and making that the focus, rather than her and me – sort of a play date thing).

 

Anyway, we've seen each other in person about five times. Every time, there's the same spark. She and her son came for dinner on Sunday with me and my kids. She and I were very well behaved -- cuddled and kissed a few times but only when the kids couldn't see. At one point I cautiously told her I'd kind of missed her in the last few days. She said she'd missed me too.

 

Her parents just came to town from the other side of the country, and she hasn't seen them in months. Needless to say she's pretty occupied at the moment.

 

I guess my problem is that I get a bit antsy when I don't hear from her for a day. And, I know it's really obsessive and stupid to get that way. And I've definitely not given her any indication that I feel that way. She and I had a casual talk late last week about the "idea" of a relationship, and I was outwardly pretty nonchalant about the idea (because I don't want to scare her off) and she was resistant because she doesn't want to get hurt and because she has a little guy to worry about. Secretly, however, I'd definitely be interested.

 

We've both told each other that we haven't felt this way about anybody else we've dated since our respective separations. I don't think it's just pure lust; "chemistry" would be the better description. I'm struggling to find a balance, I think. I don't want to phone every day and seem desperate (though I'd love to see her more often than I am right now) and I don't want to scare her off by seeming to be pushing her to commit when she's not ready for that.

 

The main thing is that I'm just not used to seeing, relatively speaking, so little of somebody that I feel this strong a connection with. In the early days of my relationship with my ex (when I was 20 and she was 18) we saw each other all the time. The woman I dated for 2 months after my separation was available at the drop of a hat. But, I think the common factor there is that neither of those two, at the time, had any responsibilities other than school and joe jobs, while this woman has a career, a child, etc.

 

I don't know if I'm asking a question… more like looking for feedback. Should I allow days to go by without talking to her? I really feel like this could turn into something but I don't want to blow it by pushing too hard. I know that part of my problem is that, after learning the truth about my ex after so many years of thinking I had a great marriage, I'm not totally confident in my ability to read people (I had the same crisis at the beginning of the two-month thing a few months ago). Any insight, anybody?

[moimeme]

Well. I've been where you are. Chemistry - bah. It's dangerous stuff. That pull to be in the same place all the time soaks up all available brainpower. Worst thing you can do, IMHO, is feed it with physical affection. Makes it worse.

 

I hope she's a wonderful human and worth all this and that it works. But if it doesn't, you'll look back and be sorry you let 'chemistry' have its way with you because it has a way of crowding out any potential warnings, red flags, and other information that you need to pay attention to early on in a relationship.

 

Good luck with this. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, mainlander

[reservoirdog1]

It's good advice, Moi... it's obviously way to early to know if she's a "wonderful human" but the initial signals are all good.

 

I think one of the things that has taken her aback is that her ex was somewhat critical of her appearance, especially right after her son was born (?!?!). She told me that it's been a long time since somebody told her she was beautiful. Which suprises me, because I think she's gorgeous and have told her so. She's not a skinny emaciated little blonde (which is what her ex wanted) but right off the bat she seemed to feel the need to almost apologize for that fact with me. And I sat there thinking, "wow... have you looked in the mirror lately?" And in all other ways, she's a very driven, idealistic, self-confident person. From what I can tell, she's a great mom to her little boy.

 

And, I think I felt a bit of a need as well to lay everything on the table, about how I am who I am and I need to be with somebody who accepts that. She needs the same thing; we were both married to people who wanted to change us into something other than we were.

 

And anyway, my question pretty much got answered today. Didn't hear from her at all yesterday, and today she's called me twice... just a quick call to say hi and to let me know she was thinking about me. That made my day.

 

Thanks for the thoughts and the crossed fingers, island-dweller...