Well I finally got the answers I was looking for and booted her out of my life.

[durkadurka]

Since Christmas rolled by and I didn't hear from my ex I was slowly easing into the idea that I didn't want to hear from my ex ever again. Our relationship was filled with love and hate, and general bitterness about our situations that pulled us apart.

 

We weren't getting along anymore, the stress of her family situation and the fact that she was really hurting me was a paramount issue. She did nothing to improve her own life, such as getting out and meeting new people, or applying for new jobs so that she would be busier and happier.

 

I was made to feel as if nothing I did was right for her. Ultimately, I snapped one day, and told her I couldn't deal with this anymore. I was sick of going to work 4 days in a row in the same clothes because she was house sitting and wanted me to sleep over to keep her company. I was also losing my mind because we got an apartment together that neither of us ever spent any time at.

 

I felt like a waste of space.

 

She still missed me, said she wanted to marry me and all that jazz, even after we left. I felt that there was still too much uncertainty in her life. I'm at the point in my education that if I choose to move institutions, I need to stay at that school. If her situation at home didn't work out, she was going to leave, and I would have been stranded, jobless and in debt.

 

I told her that when the time was right, I wanted to be with her. I pushed her to return home because her family needed her, and more importantly, she needed to relieve her guilt when it came to her living the high life while they are in poverty.

 

I needed to know that she was going to stay in one place for two years. She said she was happy to not be seriously dating someone for the first time in almost 8 years.

 

I even flew down to visit her when she was upset and sad, and went to Vegas with her a month ago, where she still brought up kids, marriage and how good we look together.

 

For the last few days she's been trying to get a hold of me, I just wasn't feeling it. I'd been hurt so many times over the last year, that I'd really had enough. She's been calling and texting me to check in for months, and I don't think it's fair to me. On New Years I got a long text telling me that she missed me, and that she was thinking about last year.

 

 

 

 

So finally after a week or two of dodging phone calls, I finally talked to her. I pushed the envelope about her life, and said I was moving, and asking if she wanted to come on a trip with me. Really, I was just hunting for a reason to terminate our friendship.. to stop playing the games.. and out it came. She has a boyfriend and just signed a 6 month lease on an apartment. I told her that as much as I care about her, attraction is not a choice, and that I respect what she's doing but that I'm not going to play her games anymore.

 

She said some really harsh and mean stuff over the course of the call. Namely, that she said I couldn't possibly have expected to work things out with her after she left. I guess she never truly understood the predicament I was in when it came to moving down. The girl can't remain single for more than 6 minutes and that is disgusting.

 

She said she didn't understand why we couldn't be friends, and that she was under the impression that in Vegas we established that we could be good friends.

 

I told her she was under the wrong impression, and that I wasn't the guy she can call up every 6 months and throw a bone to. That I wasn't interested in her pity, and that if she was a decent person she would understand what she was doing has been terribly mean.

 

 

I am relieved, in many ways, that it is over with now. No more questions, no more doubts. No more looking at the

[LifeIsGreat]

This is EXACTLY why I find it soooooooo freakn' easy to stay NC!!! Once they go, let them go!! The odds of getting back together are very small, and even if you do the odds of breaking up again (for good) are very high. Why drag out the eventual outcome?

 

They leave, let them go, work on youreslef, heal, grieve, get on with life. No point dragging it out and getting yourself kicked in the balls-- again

[Keridan]

I don't have much to add, but I wanted to say good job for standing up for yourself! I'm sorry you are hurting, but NC is probably the best way to go.

 

I hope things go better for you!

[durkadurka]

I don't know, I think I did the right thing. I found out that she's the low class scumbag I kind of always thought she was.

[durkadurka]

I don't have much to add, but I wanted to say good job for standing up for yourself! I'm sorry you are hurting, but NC is probably the best way to go.

 

I hope things go better for you!

 

I'm not hurting. I won't lie, I shed a few tears last night. But what I feel now is a burden being lifted off of my shoulders, finally, and a sense of relief.

 

I've realized that she really didn't understand what I went through to try and make her happy. If she doesn't understand it, then she certainly doesn't deserve it.

[pandagirl]

I've read your past posts on this girl, and honestly, she sounds like a mess. I'm sure there are good qualities about her, but the version that she is now, you don't want. Also, she had a boyfriend and went on a sleepover trip to Vegas with you -- do you really want some woman like that? So selfish and dishonest.

 

Feel good that you tried everything that you could, but now just walk away.

[dng]

I have been following your story. This time isn't the first you put your brain before your heart and come to a solid and final decision about her.

 

I really wish for you, for 2011, that this your final position and that you just wrote the last chapter. That woman has not been on your side for quite some time. She has not been protecting you and your feelings like a loving partner would.

 

I say final chapter, and I think: You been writing the book alone for awhile. You have tried so hard to be the best person for her, and she doesnt see it.

 

Now you have to be careful. Even if she has someone, she's the same person she was with you. She very well may try to string you along even if she has someone new.

 

I don't understand this type of people but wish I could. I was put in the same position of being offered love and long term commitment. She knew how bad she was hurting me but kept doing it anyway.

 

It's amazing how they can rationalize it.

[durkadurka]

I've read your past posts on this girl, and honestly, she sounds like a mess. I'm sure there are good qualities about her, but the version that she is now, you don't want. Also, she had a boyfriend and went on a sleepover trip to Vegas with you -- do you really want some woman like that? So selfish and dishonest.

 

Feel good that you tried everything that you could, but now just walk away.

 

Apparently, she told the guy that we were still close friends.

 

To me, close friends doesn't involve back rubs, holding hands, and kissing.

 

I think that guy has no idea what he is in for.

[durkadurka]

I have been following your story. This time isn't the first you put your brain before your heart and come to a solid and final decision about her.

 

I really wish for you, for 2011, that this your final position and that you just wrote the last chapter. That woman has not been on your side for quite some time. She has not been protecting you and your feelings like a loving partner would.

 

I say final chapter, and I think: You been writing the book alone for awhile. You have tried so hard to be the best person for her, and she doesnt see it.

 

Now you have to be careful. Even if she has someone, she's the same person she was with you. She very well may try to string you along even if she has someone new.

 

I don't understand this type of people but wish I could. I was put in the same position of being offered love and long term commitment. She knew how bad she was hurting me but kept doing it anyway.

 

It's amazing how they can rationalize it.

 

She has been hedging her bets and stringing me along for months already.

 

I don't want that kind of friend. I only want people that write each other blank checks, and try to understand rather than criticize and judge.

 

My demands were so little. Treat yourself well, figure out where you are going, and I will be there.

[pandagirl]

Apparently, she told the guy that we were still close friends.

 

To me, close friends doesn't involve back rubs, holding hands, and kissing.

 

I think that guy has no idea what he is in for.

 

Ugh, suuure.

 

I don't know any person who'd be OK with their boyfriend/girlfriend going on a weekend trip with their ex!

[durkadurka]

Ugh, suuure.

 

I don't know any person who'd be OK with their boyfriend/girlfriend going on a weekend trip with their ex!

 

Oh I agree. If she tried to do that when we were together I would have dumped her on the spot.

[WTRanger]

Just learn from this. Learn when to walk away much earlier on. Learn not to take a girl to Vegas when you already know she's seeing someone, or at the very least a girl who is constantly giving you the rigga-ra-moo. This guy in her life isn't a surprise to you. He was already in the picture when you two went to Vegas.

 

Yes, she screwed you around but you also let her do it for such a long time. You rail on her for not meeting new people, doing something with her life, yet you failed to do the same with her. You kept this parasite around for way too long.

 

The same thing with your final phone call, you pushed it to the brink so you'd get an excuse for her to end it. You need to just own up to your feelings for her, not push and push until she snapped and ended it for you.

 

All the time wasted on trying to make her happy, what did that do for you? You spun yourself out of control. You can't make someone be happy, you can't make someone change if they themselves do not want to change. The old saying holds true, "You can lead a donkey to water, but you can't make the jackass drink." Remember, the definition of insanity is trying the same experiment over and over again wishing for different results.

 

Spend some time on this one. Your Saintly white clothes aren't as white as you are portraying them to be. Drop the victim role and accept your personal responsibility for letting this go on for as long as it did. Accept your own responsibility for stringing her along as much as she did to you. You both hid under the "friends" clause, yet both of you were absolutely BS'ing yourselves about the real underlying reason why you've stayed in contact. You don't want friends that criticize and judge, yet you are doing quite a good job at criticizing and judging her. As I've said before, accept the fact that you've enabled this behavior and you'll find yourself on the speedy road to getting over her.

 

She's gone for good right?

[cerridwen]

 

She said some really harsh and mean stuff over the course of the call. Namely, that she said I couldn't possibly have expected to work things out with her after she left.

 

 

What a piece of work she is.

She has strung you along for months (with your help of course) and once you stand up for yourself, she bites back and feigns surprise at your feelings.

Loathsome.

 

You were unquestionably there for her OP. Glad you have peace about that now that you're moving on.

[durkadurka]

Just learn from this. Learn when to walk away much earlier on. Learn not to take a girl to Vegas when you already know she's seeing someone, or at the very least a girl who is constantly giving you the rigga-ra-moo. This guy in her life isn't a surprise to you. He was already in the picture when you two went to Vegas.

 

Yes, she screwed you around but you also let her do it for such a long time. You rail on her for not meeting new people, doing something with her life, yet you failed to do the same with her. You kept this parasite around for way too long.

 

The same thing with your final phone call, you pushed it to the brink so you'd get an excuse for her to end it. You need to just own up to your feelings for her, not push and push until she snapped and ended it for you.

 

All the time wasted on trying to make her happy, what did that do for you? You spun yourself out of control. You can't make someone be happy, you can't make someone change if they themselves do not want to change. The old saying holds true, "You can lead a donkey to water, but you can't make the jackass drink." Remember, the definition of insanity is trying the same experiment over and over again wishing for different results.

 

Spend some time on this one. Your Saintly white clothes aren't as white as you are portraying them to be. Drop the victim role and accept your personal responsibility for letting this go on for as long as it did. Accept your own responsibility for stringing her along as much as she did to you. You both hid under the "friends" clause, yet both of you were absolutely BS'ing yourselves about the real underlying reason why you've stayed in contact. You don't want friends that criticize and judge, yet you are doing quite a good job at criticizing and judging her. As I've said before, accept the fact that you've enabled this behavior and you'll find yourself on the speedy road to getting over her.

 

She's gone for good right?

 

I think you misunderstood, I went into this phone call with the intention of ending it from the very beginning.

 

I fished around for a reason to break the news to her.

[durkadurka]

What a piece of work she is.

She has strung you along for months (with your help of course) and once you stand up for yourself, she bites back and feigns surprise at your feelings.

Loathsome.

 

You were unquestionably there for her OP. Glad you have peace about that now that you're moving on.

 

What I don't get is how she 'doesn't' get it. Frankly, I don't understand why we even went to Vegas, or rather, why she wanted to go with me. If she was seeing someone seriously, she should have been going with him. He should be her everything. She should be wanting to go with him.

 

She certainly shouldn't have kissed me on the lips when she said goodbye.

 

It's not just what she did, it was what was said, even as recently as 4 weeks ago.

 

Anyways I told her that I'm not one of those guys that's willing to mortgage his soul to keep a shred of a relationship going, and that I've never settled for second best in my life.

Edited January 2, 2011 by durkadurka

[cerridwen]

What I don't get is how she 'doesn't' get it. Frankly, I don't understand why we even went to Vegas, or rather, why she wanted to go with me. If she was seeing someone seriously, she should have been going with him. He should be her everything. She should be wanting to go with him.

 

She certainly shouldn't have kissed me on the lips when she said goodbye.

 

It's not just what she did, it was what was said, even as recently as 4 weeks ago.

 

Anyways I told her that I'm not one of those guys that's willing to mortgage his soul to keep a shred of a relationship going, and that I've never settled for second best in my life.

 

As a formally 23 year old girl who can identify with once being somewhat like your ex, I can say this: She DOES get it. She knows very well the messages she's sending but she continues sending them because if you call her on it, she can pull the Friendship card and feign innocence.

 

It's not malevolent but it is selfish and immature.

 

She wants the security of knowing you're there, she wants the fun of the Vegas trip (especially to escape the depression and pressure of her family situation), she wants the desire she feels coming from you, but she doesn't want more than what serves her. Again, not because she's evil, just self-absorbed.

 

On a side note, I've felt you were sometimes unnecessarily harsh with posters on LS, to the point of outright meanness. But, I must say your posts have changed in tone and maturity and you take criticism very well. I can't help but wonder if you're already changed by this situation. You have an admittedly harsh exterior but an obvious tender center. I hope someone loves you back as you deserve.

[durkadurka]

As a formally 23 year old girl who can identify with once being somewhat like your ex, I can say this: She DOES get it. She knows very well the messages she's sending but she continues sending them because if you call her on it, she can pull the Friendship card and feign innocence.

 

It's not malevolent but it is selfish and immature.

 

She wants the security of knowing you're there, she wants the fun of the Vegas trip (especially to escape the depression and pressure of her family situation), she wants the desire she feels coming from you, but she doesn't want more than what serves her. Again, not because she's evil, just self-absorbed.

 

On a side note, I've felt you were sometimes unnecessarily harsh with posters on LS, to the point of outright meanness. But, I must say your posts have changed in tone and maturity and you take criticism very well. I can't help but wonder if you're already changed by this situation. You have an admittedly harsh exterior but an obvious tender center. I hope someone loves you back as you deserve.

 

Firstly, I called her out on this in Vegas, she got pretty upset and said she didn't get how she was sending mixed signals. I'm dumb, but not that dumb.

 

Secondly, I'm not that guy that will wait around for scraps. I'm not that dude that a girl can call every 4-5 months and expect to leap to their side.

 

Thirdly, that's very kind of you to say. You're right, I am really really harsh sometimes. It's because I have no tolerance for bullsh*t. I really just want to make people's lives better, and I've found that often we get caught up in the niceties so often that it takes longer than necessary to reach our goal.

 

In my heart though, I'm a very compassionate person, as I think I've demonstrated while dealing with my ex. I'm compassionate to a fault. I'm really hurting.

[cerridwen]

Secondly, I'm not that guy that will wait around for scraps. I'm not that dude that a girl can call every 4-5 months and expect to leap to their side.

 

 

But, here's the problem, you're a loyal dude. I would bet you're a good friend to your buddies.

You've been wrestling with the difference between being there as a friend (loyalty) or as an ex. You're not a guy who in a love relationship, will be second fiddle. As a friend though, I bet you can be relied upon. That's a tough thing to differentiate in this situation.

[durkadurka]

But, here's the problem, you're a loyal dude. I would bet you're a good friend to your buddies.

You've been wrestling with the difference between being there as a friend (loyalty) or as an ex. You're not a guy who in a love relationship, will be second fiddle. As a friend though, I bet you can be relied upon. That's a tough thing to differentiate in this situation.

Yeah I'm having a hard time dealing with that.

 

I'm also having a hard time knowing that she wouldn't (and didn't) do the same for me.

 

Like I said, I feel that my demands of her were simple. Sort out your life, treat yourself well, I want to be with you. When you know what's going on, we can sort things out.

 

I think she was worried that I was using that as an opportunity to hunt around for new prey, but as I think you've gathered throughout reading my posts, I'm not a guy that is like that.

 

Anyhow, what's done is done. But this relationship has been lopsided for years, no reason to expect it to change. I fear the day she decides to pick up that phone and call me.

[WTRanger]

I think you misunderstood, I went into this phone call with the intention of ending it from the very beginning.

 

I fished around for a reason to break the news to her.

 

If you fished for a reason, then it wasn't your intention to break it off with her. Given everything she's done, that's reason enough. You didn't need to go fishing for one. You didn't need to do anything.

 

You've known her actions for a long time now. Your Christmas gift was noting more than a scheme to get her to jump back into your arms. Then when it crashed and burned, or didn't live up to your expectations, you got all pissed off. The exact same thing with Vegas. How many people, including myself, told you not to go? Yet, you went and it failed on all levels. When she didn't live up to your demands, or expectations of her, you get all off center about it. You can't push everything onto her. A lot, if not all, of your frustration with her has come from your mind, your expectations, your view of what should have happened.

 

Your demands weren't that simple. Going to Vegas, knowing full well she's dating someone, yet underhandedly hoping she'd get back with you? You claimed you established you weren't going as friends, and that's precisely what happened. All of the underhanded "support" you've given her in the hopes she'd say, "Wow! What a great guy!" and jump back into your arms? Anything you demanded of her was to benefit you. You demanded that you want to be with her, and nothing else, but you've been settling for being her side-boyfriend.

 

Frankly, I don't understand why we even went to Vegas, or rather, why she wanted to go with me. If she was seeing someone seriously, she should have been going with him. He should be her everything. She should be wanting to go with him.

 

Again, you blame her for the Vegas fiasco. Yet you cold have backed out at any time. You could have said no from the get go. But you didn't. Again, you enabled this. The question you should ask is, "Why did I go to Vegas with her? What was MY expectation of that trip?"

 

Why should you fear when she calls? Just remember that you are just an option to her and ignore it. Why are you worried that she may think you were out looking for a new girl? She obviously didn't think twice about getting a new guy.

 

It's good you finally see what an unhealthy situation this was. Now just stick to your guns when she comes calling. And she will come calling with the force of a category 5 hurricane.

[durkadurka]

If you fished for a reason, then it wasn't your intention to break it off with her. Given everything she's done, that's reason enough. You didn't need to go fishing for one. You didn't need to do anything.

 

You've known her actions for a long time now. Your Christmas gift was noting more than a scheme to get her to jump back into your arms. Then when it crashed and burned, or didn't live up to your expectations, you got all pissed off. The exact same thing with Vegas. How many people, including myself, told you not to go? Yet, you went and it failed on all levels. When she didn't live up to your demands, or expectations of her, you get all off center about it. You can't push everything onto her. A lot, if not all, of your frustration with her has come from your mind, your expectations, your view of what should have happened.

 

Your demands weren't that simple. Going to Vegas, knowing full well she's dating someone, yet underhandedly hoping she'd get back with you? You claimed you established you weren't going as friends, and that's precisely what happened. All of the underhanded "support" you've given her in the hopes she'd say, "Wow! What a great guy!" and jump back into your arms? Anything you demanded of her was to benefit you. You demanded that you want to be with her, and nothing else, but you've been settling for being her side-boyfriend.

 

 

 

Again, you blame her for the Vegas fiasco. Yet you cold have backed out at any time. You could have said no from the get go. But you didn't. Again, you enabled this. The question you should ask is, "Why did I go to Vegas with her? What was MY expectation of that trip?"

 

Why should you fear when she calls? Just remember that you are just an option to her and ignore it. Why are you worried that she may think you were out looking for a new girl? She obviously didn't think twice about getting a new guy.

 

It's good you finally see what an unhealthy situation this was. Now just stick to your guns when she comes calling. And she will come calling with the force of a category 5 hurricane.

 

I appreciate your criticism even if I don't agree with all of it.

 

Yes she will. When I started pulling away the last 3-4 weeks she started badgering more.

 

I hate to be the ******* that says it to her, but you can't just go ahead and say you had the time of your life with someone, and then pretend that everything is just normal.

 

And it isn't, and it's time for me to go. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too, and for a long time I facilitated that.

[2010_Sorry]

This girl sounds like a drama queen.... Why would she go on a trip to Vegas... when she's dating someone else... unless she is trying to create more drama in her life.

 

You're definitely going to have a fabulous year Durkadurka... as long as she is out of your life...

[durkadurka]

This girl sounds like a drama queen.... Why would she go on a trip to Vegas... when she's dating someone else... unless she is trying to create more drama in her life.

 

You're definitely going to have a fabulous year Durkadurka... as long as she is out of your life...

 

Because she wanted to work on our 'friendship' that's why.

 

Apparently kissing, holding hands and snuggling with your ex is friendship.

[WTRanger]

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Glover? If not, I think you should. While the book is a bit aloof in areas, there are other areas that are spot on. One of them is what he calls the "Victim Puke."

 

Basically, it's the guys who are compassionate to a fault, as you admitted to, who give and give and give. Yet, the whole time this resentment is building inside of you and now it is bursting forth. Which is usually at the worst time or during/after a breakup.

 

Hell, I should know. I've done it. I'm way more aware of my past actions with my recent ex. For a while, I hated her and what she supposedly did to me. The truth is, she just acted how she normally acted. I had just built up this completely alternate reality and when that didn't pan out, I flipped my lid. The resentment came out. Granted, what she did was wrong but the response was disproportional. It's like shooting someone who lightly brushed against you in a crowd.

 

Once I realized I was no longer this sole victim of this evil temptress, I accepted things much quicker. I accepted my faults and my role. Yes, what she did was wrong, but I've accepted that as well. She acted in her best interest, which wasn't my interest, and we are no longer together. No one is more at fault than the other. Strangely enough, as soon as this light bulb moment came, the pining away also ceased. I still think about her from time to time, but I think of the good times. I no longer get all worked in a rage thinking, "How could she do this to me! I gave her everything! I supported her!"

 

You disagree with me, because it feels better to play the "Whoa is me" role. You knew exactly what was going to happen in Vegas. You didn't have to go. It wasn't a life or death situation. Then after Vegas, you knew how she acted. You still chose to stay in her life. You chose to get her something for Christmas. You gave and gave. Then when her response, or lack of, didn't meet your standards. Out comes the resentment. No one, at any time, has held a gun to your head and forced you to keep this girl in your life.

[cerridwen]

 

Once I realized I was no longer this sole victim of this evil temptress, I accepted things much quicker. I accepted my faults and my role. Yes, what she did was wrong, but I've accepted that as well. She acted in her best interest, which wasn't my interest, and we are no longer together. No one is more at fault than the other. Strangely enough, as soon as this light bulb moment came, the pining away also ceased. I still think about her from time to time, but I think of the good times. I no longer get all worked in a rage thinking, "How could she do this to me! I gave her everything! I supported her!"

 

 

Not to completely hijack Durka's thread but WT, how would you react to seeing her or hearing from her today? I know you're not enraged, but could you be friends with her?

Edited January 3, 2011 by cerridwen