Thinkalot Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 What are people's opinions on this one? At what age do you think it is best to have kids? Obviously lots of opinions on this topic. I'm 30. I want to have kids some day, but not yet. I think 35 is probably the upper limit. I have so many things I still want to do beforehand..including lots more travel. My bf is happy to have kids if I want too, but if we don't, he will also be happy with that. When I turned 30 I began to feel anxious, like my having-kids-timeline was getting shorter! I want them, but I also want years more freedom without them! People keep assuring me my life will go on after kids, but will just change. And that they will probably be the best thing ever. Has it been that way for you? Link to post Share on other sites
subtitled Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 my mum is a neonatal nurse and all my life i've heard her talk about how the older you are the more risk there is of birth defects occurring... eg. down syndrome is more likely the older the mother is. so i guess if you really want kids, make sure you have them before your late 30's. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted March 18, 2004 Author Share Posted March 18, 2004 Yep, I've heard that too. It can also be harder to conceive. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I plan on beginning around 25 or so, but I have to start early, as I'm planning on having a lot. We'll travel later. Link to post Share on other sites
BabyBaby Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I think 28 would be better , both financially and psychologically. I'd like to have 2 kids, a boy and a girl. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 we're in the middle of negotiating this topic too - i think we're leaning toward deciding not to have children. i don't think every couple needs to have kids, and the concept children is so serious i would never want to do this with only half my ass. but when i have thought about having kids, i always imagined i would be around 35, the way most of the women i look up to did. the pressure on my guy and i to start having babies is. crazy. it's in every conversation with my new in laws, every family function (about one a week) and it's really starting to bother us to the point of rebellion. i have started telling people that i find the idea of having children inconceivable. i resent the unsupported medical explanations these people press on us, well, me: i'll get cancer if i don't produce before 40. evidently. anyway, my guy now thinks he does not want them at all; he was sort of undecided before. i'm ok with that - i think. i don't realy know how i feel, which leads me to conclude to the negative. i think desiring children should be a vibrant, certain, positive, thing - not the default behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 It's a tricky one. I had my kids at 33 and 35 but even the second time there were many in my ante-natal classes that were older than me. There's no problem waiting until your late 30s - the risk of birth defects is slightly higher over time but does not increase significantly until over 40 I think, and even then most people are fine. The big unknown is that you just don't know what level of fertility you start off with. If you are both fine you can afford to wait, or if you would not be devastated if it doesn't happen. Men have longer to sort out any problems but fertility in women starts to decline after 35. For most people this is not a problem but for the significant minority for whom conception is difficult it can be. Don't have kids until you think you are ready (you may never be sure). They are the biggest joy in life but your lifestyle is totally transformed. No change compares to it. You have time yet Thinkalot - get the travelling and partying out of your system! In my early 20s I thought I would have children but by mid/late 20s when my husband showed no burning desire to do so I more or less decided it wasn't worth the risk. We enjoyed our lifestyle and kids would have meant major changes for us, even more than for most. I remember talking to my husband about it just before my 30th birthday prior to going on holiday with friends - just to check he was happy to shelve the decision indefinately and take our chances if we ever changed our mind. When I called him from holiday I could tell he'd changed his mind . It took a while (a year!) to get used to the idea but he wanted something definite whereas I wanted to avoid risk. When you decide it's what you want the hormones take over and that's it - you have to have it. I don't regret it for a minute - I knew I wanted another straight after having the first. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 i'll get cancer if i don't produce before 40. evidently. ROFL Jenny. How bizarre - where do they get it from? Do they have social scientists in Stepford? They ought to!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 28 is a good age to start, in my opinion. That's actually just about when I would like to get married and start a family. Live my young years and do what I want, then settle down and not have any regrets. I'd like to do what my parents did, have 4 years between kids. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 do not have just one kid! if you have one, do have at least one more!! i personally think late 20s is a good time - still enough energy to take care of the lil brats, but partying's out of the system... -yes (an only child) Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I had a friend who waited, had one child at 36 - tried and tried to conceive again at 37 and found she was peri-menopausal - heartbreaking. My boys are 12 years apart - the earlier pregnancy at 25 was a lot easier than the one at 37, fewer tests, fewer worries. I think I'm more patient this time around though, don't sweat the small stuff the way I did with my first son. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 there is apparently some group that firmly casually links abortions and cancer; and, by side-line, no production and cancer. the group travels to univerities and such, trolling for lecture space. i should not really comment; i don't fully understand the argument - i just stopped listening once i knew most credible scientists would not let them present in their universities. i work in a less-than-discriminating academic atmosphere . have you seen these kind of flyers at all?: creationism and the instability of darwinism; the natural reprecussions of child murder; homosexuality and the spread of AIDS; at any campus near your house? apparently the campus crusade for christ is international. when i was still at school, one of them tried to present on abortion in a *20th.C.lit* (this title is why punctuation is important) class but my prof sent her away with such a flea in her ear. very pleasing. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by yes do not have just one kid! if you have one, do have at least one more!! o_O Why not? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 in my experience, being an only child is ... problematic. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Oh. I love it. Are you sure you don't have grass-is-greener syndrome? Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 have you seen these kind of flyers at all?: creationism and the instability of darwinism; the natural reprecussions of child murder; homosexuality and the spread of AIDS; at any campus near your house? No!!!!! I don't know why I find it so odd/disturbing but I do. Maybe because it's a particularly vulnerable group of people (often away from home for the first time) to be exposed to such anti-humanitarian concepts. How do groups like this get in on the student agenda? I grew up in Jamaica where homophobia was fairly endemic. I'm now in the UK. There are two campuses near where I live and another 4 within a 50 mile radius. There's debate but it's fairly enlightened on the whole. The only people from outside who get a look in regularly are politicians. All that sort of thing (apart from academic seminars) is run by the student unions. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 grass-is-greener? i don't think so. although, my scenario is special in that i'm the only child in the whole extended family (that keeps in touch) - no cousins, nothing. of course, some only children are happy with it *shrug* -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted March 20, 2004 Author Share Posted March 20, 2004 Originally posted by yes grass-is-greener? i don't think so. although, my scenario is special in that i'm the only child in the whole extended family (that keeps in touch) - no cousins, nothing. of course, some only children are happy with it *shrug* -yes yes- thats interesting. I am an only child too. I have no cousins, no aunties or uncles, and only one living grandparent. Makes for a VERY small family doesn't it! Also can place a lot of pressure on you- have you found that? Because there are no others to focus on, or to help or whatever. I also find my partner's group family gatherings a bit over the top! I tend to get really quiet. I also reckon that's partly why I think so much! lol! But, I did enjoy my childhood very much, and would not mind having only one. To all others- thanks for your feedback on this. I feel somewhat encouraged that I still have a bit of time left! Link to post Share on other sites
sonofhud2 Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 having a kid is the last thing on my mind right now. #1 priority is to get my own place....and to do that I need to get a real job....and to do that I have to graduate. 1 year left... Then maybe ill look for my babys momma. Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 There are advantages and disadvantages to being younger or older. I think most kids will get the best deal if they are born when their parents really want them. I'm 38 and I haven't given up on the idea of another one yet....... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 I'm an only, and my mom was at the upper end of her safe fertility when she had me. I grew up fast and learned to relate to adults well, which is fine, but I had no opportunity to relate to siblings. My mom was menopausal by the time I hit my teens - picture that household! Being an only isn't all that great. Rainy days were a drag. I don't have much of an extended family and we didn't see the ones that we did have that much, and now my folks are gone, there's just me. My mom had two sisters and a brother and they were great pals. My best bud also has a close family. It's grand to have friends, and I have 'adopted' a family of friends for myself, but it's not quite the same. I wanted to marry into a big family - kept ending up with fellows with one male sibling who either didn't marry or didn't reproduce! I used to tell all my friends that when they married, if they only had one kid they should adopt at least one other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted March 21, 2004 Author Share Posted March 21, 2004 Interesting point of view Merry. I suppose like most things, when you read things about only kids, you will find lists of advantages and lists of disadvantages. My childhood was full of love and warmth. I had all the support I needed and more. So I guess if I had only one, I could provide them with all that too. Then again, I am not very tough and too sensitive (no sibling fights to toughen me up, plus I always had all the attention), I think lots, find big groups too much to handle, and am ambitious and determined...and also have an overdeveloped sense of obligation to my family! These could just be personality traits, however they seem to be common amongst many only kids. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaSongbird Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 Originally posted by jenny the pressure on my guy and i to start having babies is. crazy. it's in every conversation with my new in laws, every family function (about one a week) and it's really starting to bother us to the point of rebellion. i have started telling people that i find the idea of having children inconceivable. Jenny.. I can relate to this. I'm 32 and my sweetie is 30. For his mom, he is an only (he has an older half-brother from his dad's 1st marriage). Almost every time we see her now, there some talk of babies. She REALLY wants a grandbaby...she thinks we have enough "alone" time together. .we've been married a little over 3 years, togethe a little over 7.. and there are other factors at work as well.. such as, we need to have babies before her sister's children ..some kind of competition left from their childhood that I don't want to get caught up in. Now, although I've always thought I would have children, I'm beginning to wonder if I want any. There are a few reasons for me.. One, I had a really crappy childhood. Really crappy. It has already taken one starter marriage and some really big bumps in this marriage for me to unlearn some of the patterns of relating I learned in my childhood. Did I learn what an effective parent is like? Nope.. Could I be a good parent since I didn't see any good parenting? Do I really want to live my childhood in reverse? Two, can I really afford to have children? My sweetie and I make a comfortable middle-class living.. but to keep it I would probably have to work. Do I want my child in daycare? It would almost feel to me like I was having a child for someone else to raise, because during the week, he or she would spend most of their waking hours with another adult. Three, as old as I am.. I'm getting set in my ways. Do I want to give up my freedom to tie myself to this child? I'm not really maternal.. Everyone says it will change.. and that's great if it does.. but what if it doesn't? No one has an answer for that.. Sometimes, I almost think it is wiser that alot of the women around my area of country have seem to have kids fairly young (18ish to early twenties). In theory, I understand what a big responsibility and commitment this takes (although I think even I wouldn't get the full scope until the baby was actually here)... it seems easier to do it when you are younger because they have no clue.. they are just doing it because it is expected and the "next step." Every time I think I'm ready, I'll run into some demon spawn and I'm back on the fence. BUT if we are going to have them... I need to start trying SOON.. because I'm going to need "help" and that is time consuming and expensive.. We have to decide how much "help" we want and then if we don't have a pregnancy.. do we adopt? Now, I have a headache. *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
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