Why would this happen?

[LuLu65]

Hi,

I met someone on a social network site over two years ago. It started as a bit of flirting and adult fun to a genuine friendship. We talked about anything and everything under the sun. I was there for him when tragedy struck his family and him for me. I was here to assist him with anything I could and he did the same for me without a second thought. I'm from the US he's from the UK. I never dreamed it would be possible to meet him in person but we had both made comments like, wanting to take the other out for a drink and more personal matters. And this was from the time we woke up until one of us had to sleep....all day every day we chatted.

 

I had several losses in my life recently and my marriage is ending. So I made a very selfish decision. I had been saving money of my own for years now and I've always wanted to see the area he lives......so I booked myself a holiday and hoped that he'd like to meet me in person. I knew there was a possibility that he might not want to met. Through all our talks he was still a reserved and private person and I never pushed. But I never expected what happened.

 

When I told him, he just stopped responding......I've talked to him for over two years, I may not have known all about him but I did know he would tell you what he thought, whether it hurt your feelings or not...... But he didn't say anything to me, not a no thanks, not I can't, not f-you, nothing........

 

I'm lost as I've lost a great friend when all he had to say was no.

 

I can't believe that you can talk to someone the way we did, more than 10 hours plus a day when possible and it not mean anything.

 

Any thoughts on what would cause someone to do this?

Edited January 3, 2011 by LuLu65
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[LuLu65]

No ideas eh?.....

[Lemontang]

I'm only going to weigh in a little bit here. But sometimes people who invest a lot of time online chatting to another whom they've never physically met tend to build, fantasize or over image scenarios of escapism with them only to find when they actually do meet no real chemistry exists etc... It's like fawning over a movie star only to meet them in real person and realise they are a douche.

 

He may possibly want nothing more than to keep it at that level or even be hiding something from you that you may discover if you meet in person. You can only know so much about a person from online chatting, because at the end of the day they'll only tell you what they want to tell you. And you may say "No he wouldn't do that he's not like that" but really? Case in point he's not responding to you.

 

It's like me being on LS and the connection it brings, some people here have offered me some great support and advice when I was looking for it as I have for them, but that's because this place is a focal point on such issues and allows us to let things out and listen in return, much like your online friend. Difference being I'm not going to book a flight and visit everyone here.

[LuLu65]

Thanks for replying.....I thought that as well, along with several other things. I know he didn't tell me everything and I accepted that. I did want to meet but I would have accepted him not wanting to and gone on with the friendship as it was. The trip would and is going ahead no matter his response as that part is my dream....the trip. I just thought there would be the added bonus of meeting the person that had helped me through a lot of hard times and vice versa if he wanted.

 

What I didn't expect was him totally shutting down the conversation.....we had been through several other "differences in opinion" and always talked through them, I guess I just don't understand why he couldn't just say no, and we still chat......

[Faded_x]

Like I said in my thread, I really am sorry you're going through this too. From what you've said, I really think he just got scared. I get what you mean about him having the option of saying no; but I think the reality of it (the two of you possibly meeting) hit him, and he just backed away. The thing with online relationships, is that it's so easy for one person to just disappear on the other. Obviously it's not fair (you know how much I can relate to this); it would have been the grown up thing to do; to just say how he felt about it, and continue on with the relationship. I also agree with what the previous poster said about some people just wanting an online thing. It may have been easy for him to talk about getting a drink together, and the like when the two of you are so far away; but when it became a possibility, he saw how it could actually happen and got scared.

 

I really do hope you get your closure. I know how difficult it is not knowing.

Edited January 4, 2011 by Faded_x

[D-Lish]

I'm assuming he has a secret he doesn't want you to find out about. Perhaps he has a gf, is married, or he isn't who he says he is.

[LuLu65]

Like I said in my thread, I really am sorry you're going through this too. From what you've said, I really think he just got scared. I get what you mean about him having the option of saying no; but I think the reality of it (the two of you possibly meeting) hit him, and he just backed away. The thing with online relationships, is that it's so easy for one person to just disappear on the other. Obviously it's not fair (you know how much I can relate to this); it would have been the grown up thing to do; to just say how he felt about it, and continue on with the relationship. I also agree with what the previous poster said about some people just wanting an online thing. It may have been easy for him to talk about getting a drink together, and the like when the two of you are so far away; but when it became a possibility, he saw how it could actually happen and got scared.

 

I really do hope you get your closure. I know how difficult it is not knowing.

 

I hope the same for you, I do feel like something else is going on as a few have pointed out, even D-Lish on here. That he was hiding something from me and by meeting I'd find out.

 

I even tried to address this with him in a message because to me, it didn't matter if some things he told me weren't the honest truth. He had been there for me, strong shoulders in my times of need and if he lied or embellished a bit things like job, wife/gf, age...anything. It didn't matter to me....I just wanted to at least stay friends. He was still the same person in my eyes....

 

I was thinking that if there were any "embellishments" they were told to me when we first met, when we didn't think a friendship would really develop and when it did, he wasn't comfortable with admitting them to me, thinking I'd be angry which is the farthest thing from the truth. I would have accepted them and we would go on being friends and being there for each other.

 

Hopefully we will both eventually get answers Faded X.

[Faded_x]

I hope the same for you, I do feel like something else is going on as a few have pointed out, even D-Lish on here. That he was hiding something from me and by meeting I'd find out.

 

I even tried to address this with him in a message because to me, it didn't matter if some things he told me weren't the honest truth. He had been there for me, strong shoulders in my times of need and if he lied or embellished a bit things like job, wife/gf, age...anything. It didn't matter to me....I just wanted to at least stay friends. He was still the same person in my eyes....

 

I was thinking that if there were any "embellishments" they were told to me when we first met, when we didn't think a friendship would really develop and when it did, he wasn't comfortable with admitting them to me, thinking I'd be angry which is the farthest thing from the truth. I would have accepted them and we would go on being friends and being there for each other.

 

Hopefully we will both eventually get answers Faded X.

 

I really hope so too.

 

Perhaps he was hiding something, perhaps not. I don't really think it's necessarily the case. To me, it looks like he only ever wanted this to be an online thing, and got scared off when something more was brought up as a definite possibility. Whether he was hiding something or not is somewhat irrelevant, as if he was; then clearly, like I said, he only planned for this to be an online thing and nothing more. So either way (whether he was lying/embellishing or not), I really think it does come down to the fact that he only considered it to be an online thing, and got scared off at the possibility of more.

 

Obviously that's just a guess, and only he can really tell you what happened.

[LuLu65]

Aye Faded, you're probably right. I'm having one of those bad days......almost in tears in the car this morning. Going to do my best to snap myself out of it though.

 

It's odd that my head tells me to snap out of it, get on with things and I know that is what has to happen but I'm powerless to follow through right now. I'm sure you know what I mean by that.

[Faded_x]

Aye Faded, you're probably right. I'm having one of those bad days......almost in tears in the car this morning. Going to do my best to snap myself out of it though.

 

It's odd that my head tells me to snap out of it, get on with things and I know that is what has to happen but I'm powerless to follow through right now. I'm sure you know what I mean by that.

Oh, I certainly know what you mean by that! I really hope you're feeling a bit better now *hugs*. Just keep yourself busy. I kept finding myself not wanting to get out and do stuff. I'd tell my friends I couldn't make lunch because I was sick; when really, I just wanted to lay in bed and mope. The best thing really is to get and and keep yourself busy. Don't give yourself a chance to really think about it!

[LuLu65]

I've been doing my best to keep myself busy but I still can't get him out of my mind. Over the past two days I think I've gone to text or IM him over a dozen times.....luckily each time I stopped. So I guess it is getting better but the need to know is still the same.

[Faded_x]

I've been doing my best to keep myself busy but I still can't get him out of my mind. Over the past two days I think I've gone to text or IM him over a dozen times.....luckily each time I stopped. So I guess it is getting better but the need to know is still the same.

 

You may have really wanted to contact him... but the important thing is you didn't. That shows incredible willpower. I know I wasn't that strong many many times! I do know what you mean though. No matter how busy you are, they pop into your head again somehow. I remember sometimes I'd have gone a little while without thinking about him, and then I'd see someone drinking his favourite drink or something, and I'd be bummed out again. It really sucks how it takes so long for you to forget about it all for just a little bit, but all it taken is a few seconds and such a tiny thing to bring it all back up again!

 

Can I just ask; have you said "goodbye" to him? By that I mean, did you send him one last email/message/voicemail telling him all you wanted to say, and that this would be your last message, so goodbye? For instance, I was going to send my boyfriend an email saying about how this would be my final message, that I really hope he would get in contact with me sometime. That I cared for him, our relationship meant a lot to me, and that it really hurt that it had to be this way, etc etc. Obviously I never got to send it, but it was going to be the way that I decided I'd let it go. After that point, I was going to stop hoping for a reply and move on with things. I know you already seem to be progressing in moving forward already, but I just thought I would mention it. However, if you feel it would have the opposite effect for you, then definitely don't do it; I know you've been doing so well with not contacting him. Also, I apologise if you've already mentioned having done something like this. It's late here, and my mind is a little fuzzy.

[LuLu65]

You may have really wanted to contact him... but the important thing is you didn't. That shows incredible willpower. I know I wasn't that strong many many times! I do know what you mean though. No matter how busy you are, they pop into your head again somehow. I remember sometimes I'd have gone a little while without thinking about him, and then I'd see someone drinking his favourite drink or something, and I'd be bummed out again. It really sucks how it takes so long for you to forget about it all for just a little bit, but all it taken is a few seconds and such a tiny thing to bring it all back up again!

 

 

This is me exactly......once again.. We use to talk about everything imaginable.........so if I head out at night and there's a full moon, I think of him as we had a long discussion about that once, or even shopping as he use to tease me about being a woman and loving to shop......he just pops in no matter hard I try.

 

I did actually send him a message like that.......though my first line was like.... This will pretty much be my last message to you unless something comes up with me and the kids that I just wanna share with you......

 

I know......I didn't really close it out but I did go on to say most of the things I wanted to to him......that yes I did want to meet him and that no matter whether we ever met, it didn't matter to me, I just wanted to be his friend and that I'd always be here. And all the things I missed about our conversations......

 

And since I didn't know if I was blocked from his main email account I sent it to a couple other email and social sites I know of. That may have been overkill I suppose but I wanted him to read it......

 

So I've tried all I can........I did break down the other day and sent a text saying I missed him and I was here when he was ready...... It was a bad day.

 

But on the bright side, I'm going to try and take better control of my life. I have already been doing that but I'm at a point that I need help.

 

I've made an appointment with my doctor, going to see about some counseling. It's not specifically for this, but it will be included. I'm realizing that I've likely been suffering from mild depression for a very long time now.....because of a terrible marriage and I need to get out of my rut......I'm hoping this will help and I'm hoping it will in turn help me get over this.......

 

So I've my fingers crossed......

[Faded_x]

This is me exactly......once again.. We use to talk about everything imaginable.........so if I head out at night and there's a full moon, I think of him as we had a long discussion about that once, or even shopping as he use to tease me about being a woman and loving to shop......he just pops in no matter hard I try.

 

I did actually send him a message like that.......though my first line was like.... This will pretty much be my last message to you unless something comes up with me and the kids that I just wanna share with you......

 

I know......I didn't really close it out but I did go on to say most of the things I wanted to to him......that yes I did want to meet him and that no matter whether we ever met, it didn't matter to me, I just wanted to be his friend and that I'd always be here. And all the things I missed about our conversations......

 

And since I didn't know if I was blocked from his main email account I sent it to a couple other email and social sites I know of. That may have been overkill I suppose but I wanted him to read it......

 

So I've tried all I can........I did break down the other day and sent a text saying I missed him and I was here when he was ready...... It was a bad day.

 

But on the bright side, I'm going to try and take better control of my life. I have already been doing that but I'm at a point that I need help.

 

I've made an appointment with my doctor, going to see about some counseling. It's not specifically for this, but it will be included. I'm realizing that I've likely been suffering from mild depression for a very long time now.....because of a terrible marriage and I need to get out of my rut......I'm hoping this will help and I'm hoping it will in turn help me get over this.......

 

So I've my fingers crossed......

 

Hi LuLu. I notice you haven't posted any news recently, so I hope things are ok. If you have a chance, feel free to update us on how you are. I'd be interested to know . I haven't really been around lately either, so my reply is a little late.

 

Like I said, I know exactly what you mean about everything reminding you of him. Certain outfits would remind me of him. I'd see a pair of shorts, and think about how he bought them for me, or how I wore them when I saw him last. But then I'd buy a new dress or something, and think to myself about how I think it looks flattering on me, and it's a shame he hasn't seen it haha. Just simple and silly little things like that. It's pretty much impossible for pretty much anything to not remind me of him. It's crazy!

 

I think it's fine that you caved and sent him a message. I know I caved PLENTY of times and sent him waaay too many. I hate the feeling afterwards, when you were all hopeful that maybe this time you'll get a reply, but then you don't. It really sucks.

 

I don't think you went overkill at all with sending your email to multiple different places. I know what it's like to be unsure as to whether or not you've been blocked or something. I think I mentioned it another time, but when I was going to send him my final "goodbye", I was going to email it to him as well as post it to his home address. I thought, if anything, he'd be more likely to reply to an email as it's quick and easy. But I felt more sure that he'd at least receive a proper letter; even if I couldn't ever know if he'd read it or not. So I definitely understand that.

 

You wrote this a little while ago now, so I'm assuming you've had that appointment with your doctor. How did it go? Did you organise some counselling? I'm glad you've decided to go with that. I'm sure talking about things will help you a lot; with this as well as other things in your life.

 

I hope it all goes well for you.