soserious1 Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I've got a problem that is only getting worse over time.A man Porn watching/getting aroused by viewing other women,masterbating privately doesn't bother me.What does bother me is when the dear fellow comes bounding into the bedroom with a stiffie aquired by viewing others,gropes one breast for 20 seconds then mounts me, pumps away to climax and it's all done till the next time. I've started to either nicely decline the offer of sex or to simply offer a BJ whenever this happens,this is becoming a problem though as he is more and more insistant on fullout intercourse,if I comply but don't act aroused this is also a problem. I don't care what he watches,he's also free to sleep with other women,I don't subscribe to the idea that it's fine to work up your lust elsewhere as long as you eat at home.I like my sex to at least occasionally involve actual desire for ME and not just using me as a handy stand in.What can I do to fix this,it's gotten to the point where I no longer want sex at all.If another woman excited you by all means either pursue her or in cases where that's not happening complete your session with masterbation,why make somebody you claim to love feel like a kleenex? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 STOP having sex with him. One should have sex when they want to, and this is a clear case of him NEEDING to modify his behavior in order to maintain a healthy relationship with you. And it's got nothing to do with porn, really. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I have been drinking an awful lot this evening, so if anything that I post here seems too outlandish please ignore it. I think it's perfectly fine for any adult to masturbate to, or view pornographic imagery on his or her own time, but if this man is barging into the bedroom, aroused from porn, expecting physical pleasure from you I do believe that is wrong. I think that you should have a discussion about this with him, or simply deny him gratification. I am a porn advocate in many senses, but I do believe in this instance that he should be sufficiently aroused by you and you alone to long for interrcourse. Red wine is very, VERY good. I am now graciously accepting donations of all types of Wine. PM me for details. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 If my boyfriend ever did that to me I wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole. The way he's treating you is disgusting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted March 18, 2004 Author Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by faux I have been drinking an awful lot this evening, so if anything that I post here seems too outlandish please ignore it. I think it's perfectly fine for any adult to masturbate to, or view pornographic imagery on his or her own time, but if this man is barging into the bedroom, aroused from porn, expecting physical pleasure from you I do believe that is wrong. I think that you should have a discussion about this with him, or simply deny him gratification. I am a porn advocate in many senses, but I do believe in this instance that he should be sufficiently aroused by you and you alone to long for interrcourse. Red wine is very, VERY good. I am now graciously accepting donations of all types of Wine. PM me for details. Sigh...he gets offended when I try to talk about it.Says I should be pleased and happy that he chooses to "eat at home" regardless of where he gets his appetite.I'm sorry but having somebody come bounding into the bedroom with an erection that was obviously not in any way inspired by me because he hadn't spoken to or even looked at me all evening is not much of a turn on.I feel either like a kleenex or like I'm being treated to some sort of mercy sex,neither feeling is fun for me. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by soserious1 I'm sorry but having somebody come bounding into the bedroom with an erection that was obviously not in any way inspired by me because he hadn't spoken to or even looked at me all evening is not much of a turn on.I feel either like a kleenex or like I'm being treated to some sort of mercy sex,neither feeling is fun for me. I agree. He's being insensitive and sleezy, to be honest. Says I should be pleased and happy that he chooses to "eat at home" regardless of where he gets his appetite. So what, you should be grateful that he's having sex with you?? What an ego he has! Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by soserious1 I don't care what he watches,he's also free to sleep with other women, Of course this man will use you as a "tool" for his sexual pleasure and to just "get off". If you don't respect yourself enough that you let your man sleep around why would he respect you or care about your desires? Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 lets see..... how many pairs of flannel pajama's can i wear at once. by the time he actually found me he wouldn't know where that erection went. seriously, next time he pole vaults into the bed, hand him some lube and towel. exclaiming"you started it, you can finish it.", then say.... " besides I already orgasmed 8 times with my vibe I'm tired" Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted March 19, 2004 Author Share Posted March 19, 2004 Originally posted by fredrolin Of course this man will use you as a "tool" for his sexual pleasure and to just "get off". If you don't respect yourself enough that you let your man sleep around why would he respect you or care about your desires? I don't subscribe to the idea that living with somebody gives me the right to "let" them do anything.You cannot control others,only yourself.I don't expect sexual exclusivty,I do expect that actual desire for me be present in sexual encouters that involve me. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Most would agree that sexual exclusivity is conducive to a healthy relationship, because it enables your partner, and the pair of you really, to value one another intimately. It's hardly a control issue. Coincidentally, your relationship lacks intimacy altogether. In your vigilant pursuit of latitude, you've failed to set boundaries; moreover, your partner is being disrespectful and undeserving of any sexual contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted March 19, 2004 Author Share Posted March 19, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Most would agree that sexual exclusivity is conducive to a healthy relationship, because it enables your partner, and the pair of you really, to value one another intimately. It's hardly a control issue. Coincidentally, your relationship lacks intimacy altogether. In your vigilant pursuit of latitude, you've failed to set boundaries; moreover, your partner is being disrespectful and undeserving of any sexual contact. What's "intimate" about being physically faithful to your partner but openly lusting for others to the point that you have to pretend your partner is another woman in order to fsck her? I think fidelity in body only is really a farce and puts a strain on things that needn't be.I love chocolate cake but I'd get sick of it if that's all I could eat night after night.Sometimes I want yellow cake or perhaps a cookie and I don't want to be stuck eating chocolate cake while prentending I'm having a cookie,being forced to do so will only cause me to not like chocolate cake so much. Come to me when you truly want to be with me...but only then,why is that so hard to do? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Originally posted by soserious1 What's "intimate" about being physically faithful to your partner but openly lusting for others to the point that you have to pretend your partner is another woman in order to fsck her? Not much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted March 19, 2004 Author Share Posted March 19, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Not much. And if you speak to people in long term supposedly loving relationships and they are able to be honest and level with you,they'll tell you that this sort of thing is quite common,yet they'll stand there and congratulate themselves on remaining physically faithful. Sex shouldn't have to be that way imho.Nobody benefits from it.I also don't automatically tie sex to love.Yes the two can come together but very often they are different things. Link to post Share on other sites
angelwings Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 My husband kinda acts like that. He will be up on his computer all night while Im sleeping and then jump into bed in the middle of the night and want sex. When I ask him if he was looking at anything on the internet he will say no and that he just felt like having sex with me. Bull. Alot of times when I try to have sex with him and its alittle late he will turn me down and say hes too tired. Whatever. I wish I was like you and didnt have a problem with him masterbating to porn. Thats our big "issue" in our marriage. It really bothers me to think of him watching other women and touching himself. I would never do that. He has a huge porn collection that I wish he would get rid of. He says that Im trying to control him but I just dont feel its right to have so much if it hurts me. I feel the same way. I want to be the reason hes in the mood. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 Originally posted by soserious1 And if you speak to people in long term supposedly loving relationships and they are able to be honest and level with you,they'll tell you that this sort of thing is quite common,yet they'll stand there and congratulate themselves on remaining physically faithful. Sex shouldn't have to be that way imho.Nobody benefits from it.I also don't automatically tie sex to love.Yes the two can come together but very often they are different things. So the intimacy is lacking. You can either work on that, or just concede to it, which is what you did, and that's why it's not paticularly healthy. How can you expect respect if you don't command it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted March 21, 2004 Author Share Posted March 21, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker So the intimacy is lacking. You can either work on that, or just concede to it, which is what you did, and that's why it's not paticularly healthy. How can you expect respect if you don't command it? I don't want to work on achieving further "intimacy" if what that means is that he becomes faithful to me in body only but must turn off the lights and pretend I'm another woman in order to screw me. I would simply prefer it if my partner refrained from approaching me sexually to relieve erections that were brought on by porn or by ogling other women.I prefer that he either pursue those women with the express purpose of fsking them or masterbate. Could I express myself any more clearly? What part of this statement is so difficult to comprehend or understand? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 I don't want to work on achieving further "intimacy" if what that means is that he becomes faithful to me in body only but must turn off the lights and pretend I'm another woman in order to screw me. 'Intimacy' does not only refer to sex. There are two sorts of intimacy; emotional and physical. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 Originally posted by soserious1 I don't want to work on achieving further "intimacy" if what that means is that he becomes faithful to me in body only but must turn off the lights and pretend I'm another woman in order to screw me. That's not what it means at all. There's a large difference between copulation and intimacy. You're expressing yourself loud and clear, but it's a concession rather than a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 OR.....there is a big difference between making love and 'f*cking'. As long as both occur on a regular basis in a relationship....I consider it healthy. Sometimes I want a long fancy dinner.....and sometimes....a fast food burger hits the spot and I really don't care who 'cooked' it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker That's not what it means at all. There's a large difference between copulation and intimacy. You're expressing yourself loud and clear, but it's a concession rather than a decision. Nobody is forcing me to stay in this relationship Dyer so it is a decision however much you refuse to acknowledge that. Now,I'm asking for advice on how to convey one of my desires to my partner in a firm but respectful manner, either advise me on how to get my point across or please refrain from further comment Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 o, ok. the problem here is not really about pornography, the problem here is that your man is bad in bed. i assumed you've tried to give him some education, areadly? maybe also try sex counselling, videos, books - the best one being 'the guide to getting it on' (it has a lichtenstein cartoon on the front) make it into a joint hobby. without getting too personal, my man is both quite likeable and 'like a bull' in every arena. i have some sympathy for men who want to stampede towards the genitals, i'm prone towards this behaviour myself, but it does lack some artfulness. this can either be a problem or it can a new educational adventure - it sounds like you would like to work this out and make it into something that can make your relationship better - so kudos to you! believe me, i am betting this will be a project he will be happy to get behind. let the porn go for now. focus on what you want, rather than what he might be doing wrong, and you will both benefit. you *deserve* a fulfilling sex life - make it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Originally posted by soserious1 Nobody is forcing me to stay in this relationship Dyer so it is a decision however much you refuse to acknowledge that. Now,I'm asking for advice on how to convey one of my desires to my partner in a firm but respectful manner, either advise me on how to get my point across or please refrain from further comment Plenty of inactions come out of emotional concession, to give the illusion of healthy volition. Now, in terms of conveying your desires: 1. Cease sexual contact until issues are rectified 2. Explicitly tell him that foreplay and mutual desire is neccessary 3. Express, without masquerading it with careful hints, that you would prefer for erections to come from desire for you, and not from alternate forms of sexual media 4. Communicate sexual fantasies and desires, asking him how you can fulfill his desires 5. Continue to demand such respect when sex begins again, so that you're turning 180 degrees intimacywise, instead of 360 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soserious1 Posted March 23, 2004 Author Share Posted March 23, 2004 Originally posted by jenny o, ok. the problem here is not really about pornography, the problem here is that your man is bad in bed. i assumed you've tried to give him some education, areadly? maybe also try sex counselling, videos, books - the best one being 'the guide to getting it on' (it has a lichtenstein cartoon on the front) make it into a joint hobby. without getting too personal, my man is both quite likeable and 'like a bull' in every arena. i have some sympathy for men who want to stampede towards the genitals, i'm prone towards this behaviour myself, but it does lack some artfulness. this can either be a problem or it can a new educational adventure - it sounds like you would like to work this out and make it into something that can make your relationship better - so kudos to you! believe me, i am betting this will be a project he will be happy to get behind. let the porn go for now. focus on what you want, rather than what he might be doing wrong, and you will both benefit. you *deserve* a fulfilling sex life - make it happen. I think you've hit the nail on the head so to speak.He's engaging,likeable and has lots of stamina but he tends towards the 20 second grope of the right breast,hop on and plow away school of sex.It's not bad for the occasional quickie but as a steady diet it gets old. And no,porn viewing/solo sex doesn't bother me at all. Link to post Share on other sites
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