Not Sure Anymore

[Faded_x]

Hi. I'm new here, and just really needed to vent about something that's going on with me at the moment. I've been in a LDR for 2 and a half years now. We live about a 5 hour drive away from each other.

 

About a month ago now; my boyfriend just stopped talking to me, and I haven't heard from him since. Because of the distance, there's no real way to just turn up to his house and see what's going on.

 

The weekend before this all happened, we spent it together and had a great time for my friends birthday party. When we both got home (to our own separate homes, I mean) on the Sunday night, we had an argument. Things got resolved though, and the next day (Monday), he was already trying to make plans with me for the coming weekend. On Tuesday, he seemed a bit distant. We were talking on MSN and he just seemed a bit distracted; but nothing too major. It got late, and he said goodnight and left. The next day, I got no text or call, and when later on that night he hadn't come on MSN, I got a bit concerned. I sent him a message saying that I hoped he had a good day, and that everything was ok. No response. Over the next few days I tried calling a few times. At first it was ringing, but eventually his phone went straight to voicemail, indicating it was turned off/had run out of battery, or was out of service. When I tried calling Saturday night, the phone rang and went to voicemail; so clearly it had been turned on again/was back in service. I thought surely I'd get a response now that it was on, but a few hours later I still hadn't heard anything. I got a bit annoyed and sent him a message asking why he seemed to be ignoring me; I was just concerned about him, and was wondering if everything was alright. The next morning I got a text from him saying "I'm away and having to share a crappy car charger. I'm alright, I guess. I'm not ignoring you, just don't have time yet". I thought ok, fair enough, and sent him a reply saying to have fun (he goes away on surfing trips with friends every few weekends, so this was nothing new). I figured I'd hear from him when he got back home.

 

That was a month ago now, and I haven't heard anything since. At first I was really concerned that something had happened, but I now know that he has been online and is definitely fine. Just for some reason, he is totally ignoring any contact I try and make with him.

 

I'm really confused on what to do. I've tried contacting him on many occasions in a few different ways (calls/texts/emails), but I never get a response. On the one hand, I want to keep my dignity and not continue making a fool of myself. He's making it pretty clear he doesn't want to talk for some reason. But on the other hand, we were in a 2.5 year long relationship. I can't just leave it like this; I think I deserve to know what happened after being together for this long. I can't even begin to move on when I'm really confused as to what happened. I know we had a fight a few days before hand, but things had gone back to normal since then. If he'd actually outright ended things, I'd just leave him alone. But he hasn't done that, so I'm finding it difficult to just let it go.

 

Anyway, sorry that my venting went on this long. I just don't know what to do, and I'm so confused. It's been 5 weeks since I've heard from him now, and I just have this awful feeling that I won't be hearing from him again. It's killing me.

[aisle_seat]

I'm very sorry this is happening to you. May I ask how old you both are? Not that his behavior is excusable in any way, but he seems very immature. After dating for 2.5 years, his ignoring you is unacceptable...it would be even if you'd been together a much shorter time.

 

I'm not sure what you can do to get him to respond, he's obviously not wanting to talk to you. I would send him an email and say you would really like to know what's going on with him but you're finding his immaturity very hurtful and you are undeserving of his treatment of you. You won't be contacting him again unless he apologizes and explains himself.

 

Beyond that I don't think there's much you can do except take some time to heal and move on.

[folieadeux]

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. His behavior is totally unacceptable and, as the previous poster said, I'm not quite sure how else you can reach him given everything you've already tried. I would definitely send him one last "goodbye" message and try to move on. You really do deserve so much better than someone who doesn't even give you common courtesy. I know it's even more difficult because you have a lot of unanswered questions and a need for closure right now, but it's better to just accept the fact that you may never know what happened and get on with your life. At first I was concerned that something may be seriously wrong with him, but if he's just blatantly ignoring you, there's just no excuse for how you're being treated.

[Faded_x]

Thanks guys; I appreciate the responses!

 

 

Aisle _Seat- I'm 21 and he is 25. Much too old to be this immature; don't you think? I just find it odd though, that he's generally not an immature person at all. This is the first time I've ever seen an instance of it. It really sucks that it has to be something this major too! I know there's nothing I can really do to make him respond; but it's so frustrating! I do plan on sending a final "goodbye" message, though I don't think it will do any good, really. I've already sent what I feel to be reasonable messages, and have got no response.

 

 

Folieadeux- I agree; totally unacceptable. I just don't understand why he can't take a bit of time to just end things properly; if that's what this is all about. Like I said before, I do plan on sending a "goodbye" message. I'm not sure yet if I will email it to him, or send it by actual post. Perhaps both. I'm just unsure if he's even getting any of my messages; like if I've been blocked or something. I don't appear to have been - the phone does ring and go to voicemail, my text messages and emails aren't sent back, or say that they've failed - but I don't know. It just seems odd to me that I haven't heard anything at all, when I feel my requests to know what's going on have been reasonable. I'm wondering if perhaps something angered him not long after he sent his final message, and he rashly decided to end things the way he did, and so blocked me/isn't even reading any of them (he can be rash; though I've never seen it to this extent before).

Like I said, I was also really concerned something was seriously wrong too. But he has these forums that he goes on, and he has been online a bit there (though not very active). When I hadn't heard from him in weeks and had no where else to turn to to find anything, I tried googling him thinking perhaps I'd find out about an accident or something. It was a long shot; but I really had no idea what else to do. Anyway, I actually discovered that he'd reopened his old facebook account recently, and has been very active on there (we aren't, and haven't ever been facebook friends. He never used to use it, so there was no point). While I was glad that he was ok; it also made me very confused as to why he couldn't reply to me, if he had time to waste on facebook. I don't know what's going on there. He's normally really active on these forums he goes on; but he hasn't been really since "disappearing". But he is really active on facebook. He knows that I know about the forums, but he thinks I know nothing about facebook, since it's completely private (to the point where you can't even add him as a friend). I'm not sure if that's a coincidence or not. Just seems weird that he's keeping away from the place I know about when he's usually really active there; but is definitely always around/online according to facebook (that he thinks is safe from being seen by me).

 

I don't know, it's all so confusing; and I really don't think I can handle it if I get no closure at all. It's been 5 weeks as it is, and I think about it constantly. There's no way I'm going to get over it and begin to move on anytime soon.

[LuLu65]

Wow.....I'm going through a similar situation and I know how you feel. It's hard not to keep trying to contact, I've been fighting the urge to text or email but I always give in then feel bad for doing so as it is obvious that he doesn't want contact.

 

The only difference is mine is a good friend I have only known online but I am beginning to see that it had become more than just a friendship to me as time went on....it was about 2.5 years for me as well.

 

Yours is on a much deeper level than mine though and I imagine the pain you feel is much worse. I agree with the other two posters....you need to try to move on, you deserve much better than that, there's no reason for him just to ignore you, after that amount of time he should be able to tell you what the problem is so you could have worked it out, or ended it and had some closure.

 

I hope things work out okay for you.....time does heal all pain but it sure takes a long time...........unfortunately.

[Faded_x]

Wow.....I'm going through a similar situation and I know how you feel. It's hard not to keep trying to contact, I've been fighting the urge to text or email but I always give in then feel bad for doing so as it is obvious that he doesn't want contact.

 

Yes, this is EXACTLY it. I try to be strong and not contact him; and there have been times where I feel motivated and strong enough to do so. I've only gone about a week at the most though, before it all becomes too much and I cave. Usually it's because I get something to say in my head - something I think surely he'll have to reply to - and so I send it. And then I hear nothing back, and feel stupid and silly again. It's VERY frustrating. I'm sorry that you're going through this as well. I'm sure it's horrible for you, too. I think the hardest thing is just not knowing why; and wondering if perhaps I never will know.

 

In my mind, I've put it down to one thing. When he sent his last message (about not having time yet), he possibly meant that he just wanted some alone time for a bit. At the time, I was having health issues, that I was told could be possibly serious (though turns out they weren't). I freaked out a little, and really wanted to turn to him for support. I didn't outright say what was wrong at first; but sent a few messages just saying I really needed to talk. I can't remember exactly (it was over a month ago now), but I think I might have tried calling a few times, and sent a few messages. Not an outrageous amount, but I was feeling a bit panicky at the time and really needed to talk. I don't know if perhaps this angered him, as he was hoping for space, and so he rashly made the decision to end it as he did. The messages/calls didn't mention why I wanted to talk to him, so it probably came across as me not wanting to leave him to his space. I don't know. It sounds like a stupid excuse, but I honestly can't think of anything else. I've since tried explaining why I was trying to contact him, but like I said; I'm not even sure if he's reading/getting anything I say anymore.

[LuLu65]

I honestly can't believe I found someone going through something so similar.

 

What you're saying is exactly what's been happening with me. I send it...then feel like a silly fool. Not knowing is the worst. He had been having some health issues so at first I imagined him having had a heart attack or something, I kept texting and emailing.....then once I realized he was okay and just stopped talking I was dumbfounded.

 

He stopped when I told him that I had planned a holiday to where he's from (I'm US, he's from UK) and would like to buy him dinner. I figured he would either want to or tell me no. But just to stop talking confused and hurt me deeply. We had been there for each other through so many things, I never expected his actions.

 

And I too have thought of several different reasons that he could be acting this way, from he had lied to me about something and I'd find out if we met in person, to maybe he cared more for me than he was allowing himself to believe, the same as I have realized over the last several weeks that I had been doing, and that the distances that we live and the circumstances in our lives would be an impossible situation to put ourselves in so he cut it off.... The last I heard from him was November 10th.

 

It really does us no good to guess at the whys I guess as we may never know unless they contact us.

 

And again, same boat, I don't know if he's getting my messages anymore, he may have blocked my email and if he's not done that just not reading them.

 

I came to this site because of this situation, needed to vent, get someone else's thoughts, to try to move on, I'm glad I did now.....I may not be able to help you much more than I can help myself but at least we know we are not alone.......

[Faded_x]

I came to this site because of this situation, needed to vent, get someone else's thoughts, to try to move on, I'm glad I did now.....I may not be able to help you much more than I can help myself but at least we know we are not alone.......

 

This is the reason I came here, too. I needed to vent about it; and I'm glad I found someone in a similar situation. Well, I'm not glad you're going through it too; I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I'm sure you know what I mean. Do you have anyone else you can talk to about it? I've only really told one friend about what's going on. I just feel silly telling anyone else, as it will become this big thing and everyone will ask what happened. I don't even know what happened, so have nothing to really tell them yet. I guess I just feel silly because we've been in a 2 and a half year long relationship together, and for him to do this makes me feel like it meant nothing to him. It's pretty hard to admit that to others. Makes me feel pretty foolish, and pitiful, I guess.

 

I know the only real thing I can do is wait, at this point. I know I need to accept that I may never hear from him again, but I don't think I can right now. I try; but I keep getting my hopes up. The more I read his last message, the more I feel that he did plan on coming back. I feel that perhaps he just needed some space; so I'm trying my hardest to give him that. I'm hoping perhaps if I do, he will eventually get back to me. From what I can tell, he still has me on MSN and he doesn't seem to have blocked my number; so that gives me (hopefully not false) hope that he hasn't just totally disappeared. I think I'll give it at least a few weeks to a month of no contact from me, then I'll send him a final goodbye message.

 

In the mean time, I will be trying to get over this. I have accepted that the relationship is over, even if I haven't accepted that I won't be hearing from him again. I know time heals all wounds; but I really wish time would hurry up. I haven't heard from him since November 28th, and it feels like forever.

[Faded_x]

Guh, this is really driving me insane. For the past few hours, I was actually feeling pretty numb about the whole thing. I felt as if I could be patient, and wait to hear back from him even if it took a few weeks. But in no time, something brings me back into feeling desperate to hear from him again. It's horrible.

 

I really wish I could go back to the beginning (when this started a little over a month ago) and handle things differently. I feel that if I hadn't of reacted the way I did, it wouldn't have happened this way. I by no means blame myself for what's happening; that's all on him. But I just feel I could have reacted better. I freaked out and have bombarded him with messages, when I know that that would have the opposite effect to what I wanted. I think my original intentions were reasonable. I was feeling upset, about us as well as other things, and wanted to talk to him about it all. I think I may have overreacted a bit when I didn't get any kind of response. In a way I feel justified still, but in another I feel I could have gone about it in another way. I really did try to be patient; and I really was to begin with. But it gets to the point where you really need to know what's going on/talk, and you can't just calmly wait and say nothing. Sorry, I'm probably rambling and not even making sense now lol.

 

I just feel so torn, because half of me thinks I'll hear from him again, but half of me doesn't. Just to sort it all out in my own head, I'll state here the reasons for me thinking so, either way. Why I think I'll hear from him: I just don't think it's possible for him to be able to hurt me this much forever. He can be insensitive, but he's never been overly cruel. I have reason to believe that he still has me added on MSN. He hasn't been online at all, but I don't think he's deleted me either. Also, he doesn't seem to have blocked my mobile number either; it rings and goes to voicemail like it used to if he didn't answer. I don't know, something just tells me that if he really wanted to be rid of me, he'd have deleted me entirely by now. Because of the distance, it would be really easy for him to do so. I also just have this weird feeling that he's just wanting space right now.I think perhaps he's waiting for me to calm down, and back off a bit; and he'll come to me. There's also the fact that his last message definitely made it seem as if he'd be back. I originally took it to mean that he was just busy for the weekend, and I'd hear back from him when he got home. But I've since took it to mean that he's just busy in general right now, and wanting some space. I don't know. I know there's nothing concrete in there, but I can't help feeling it is possible. My reasons for feeling like I'll never hear from him are pretty obvious. It's been a little over 5 weeks since I've heard anything now, and as each day goes on without a word from him, I feel like my chances of hearing from him decrease. Seeing him around (online, I mean) and being totally fine, just leads me to believe he's totally over me and the relationship. It seems like he's already moved on; so then why would he go back, and bother with me again?

Edited January 4, 2011 by Faded_x

[LuLu65]

I feel like I could have been the one writing your words here. It's pretty much exact to what I go through and feel.

 

Down to your reasons why you think he might contact you again......that he just needs me to back off a while as well, give him space then he'll show up again on his usual networking sites.

 

In my case I do think he's taken me off MSN but his other social sites he hasn't. He was starting his own forums and he's not been back when he could have easily blocked my IP and continued to promote his forums. The down side of that one is that he was getting frustrated with slow membership sign up and he could have decided to just bin the idea of a forum and just didn't bother deleting the site. I just don't know. I do get his voice mail so he hasn't blocked my number but I don't know if he listens or reads my texts. It is so hard not knowing......

 

As for your initial reaction when he didn't respond, whether right or wrong, I think it was natural. I did pretty much the same....sending a barrage of texts and emails to all the accounts I knew he had. I must have seemed like a nut to him......but I was just worried, hurt and very confused.

 

And again......I haven't told any of my other friends about this....I have felt the same as you, but I'm beginning to realize that I need to. If they are my friends they won't judge my actions but support me. And your friends are surely the same. No matter how embarrassing it is for us. It's easy to do it on here where we don't really know anyone else and it's a beginning but telling the other people close to us may just help us get through this faster.

 

I just keep going day by day, I have days where I'm just fine....I still think of him but I feel strong that things will work out like the should, then there's the bad days that I growl at anyone who gets in my path and I feel desperate to talk to him. This is usually when I can't stop from sending a text, email or voicemail.

 

I'll keep checking this thread if you need a listening ear. It has helped me talking to you, someone who knows exactly what I'm going through, though I wish neither of us had to deal with this.

[aisle_seat]

It shocks me that you, and Lulu, have been treated so badly. Short of something incapacitating that would prevent these guys from contacting you, there is no acceptable excuse for leaving you hanging as they have. And that is not the case in either of your situations. If I lost contact with my LDR SO for more than half a day I would be going out of my mind wondering what happened and, quite frankly, calling her parents and buying a plane ticket. Thankfully you've found there is no personal tragedy involved.

 

In the name of your own need for closure, I think you need to send, by post and email, a letter explaining how you feel about his behavior. No need to be mean, just honest about how badly it has made you feel. Even if you get an apologetic response, you need to clear your head and move on. Other than what I said above, there is no excuse for this and don't believe that, if he wants to get back together, it couldn't happen again.

 

Go out with friends, meet some new people and remind yourself that this guy is not the only one you're capable of loving and giving you love. In fact he does not love you; if he did he would never do to you what he has. And always remember you are deserving of love and respect and do not accept anything less.

 

Best of luck to you.

[LuLu65]

In the name of your own need for closure, I think you need to send, by post and email, a letter explaining how you feel about his behavior. No need to be mean, just honest about how badly it has made you feel. Even if you get an apologetic response, you need to clear your head and move on. Other than what I said above, there is no excuse for this and don't believe that, if he wants to get back together, it couldn't happen again.

 

Go out with friends, meet some new people and remind yourself that this guy is not the only one you're capable of loving and giving you love. In fact he does not love you; if he did he would never do to you what he has. And always remember you are deserving of love and respect and do not accept anything less.

 

Best of luck to you.

Thank you, your words are very kind......I have tried, too many times to contact him and he either has blocked me or ignores them I'm afraid. I've never been ugly about it, as I do still consider him a wonderful person and great friend and I've told him such in my unanswered messages to him.......don't ask me how but I just can't get angry with him, I just miss him and our chats dearly. And I've told him to just tell me why so we can either work it out or go our separate ways. But I've gotten no response.

 

My head knows that him not responding and doing this to me obviously means he doesn't want to talk to me, but my heart remembers all our conversations and most things I look at remind me of something we talked about. So it (my heart) keeps telling me that there's hope, that maybe it's not that he didn't care for me but that he got scared about our situation, and by meeting we would only get hurt in the end. Foolish....perhaps but I guess I'm not ready to let go of the possibility that I'll hear from him again.

[aisle_seat]

I'm so sorry, Lulu...

 

And I don't blame you at all for feeling as you do. When you've shared something special with someone it's very hard to let go. It will be some time before you're able to interpret what's happened objectively. As the saying goes...unfortunately it will likely only be time that heals your wounds.

 

But while you're healing, you must remember your own self-worth and also that love is nothing if not mutual trust and respect.

[Faded_x]

LuLu- That's also my problem. While I don't think he's blocked/got rid of me entirely; I'm not sure if he's even reading my messages. Maybe he's deleting anything from me on sight, without even reading it? It's driving me crazy not knowing for sure. For some reason, I've taken him not getting rid of me entirely as a good sign; but at the same time, it could very well just be laziness on his part. Maybe he thinks if he just continues ignoring me, I'll eventually go away and he won't need to bother doing anything drastic like changing his number, or something. My reason for thinking he still has me on MSN is because I tested something with my friend. I had them block and delete me, and when I went to her Windows Live profile, it said that I had invited them to Messenger (but that we weren't friends). Where as previous to that, it said we were friends on Messenger. Once she readded and unblocked me, it said we were friends again. On his profile, it says we're still friends; so I assume he still has me added. He hasn't come online though (at least not while I've been on), so he's either blocked me, is appearing offline all the time, or isn't coming on at all. I don't know. I just feel that if he had really planned on just disappearing, he'd have deleted me from MSN entirely.

 

I definitely feel our initial reaction was natural too. They may think we're crazy for sending a heap of messages; but of course we're upset and confused and wanting a response! If they'd outright told us what's happening and we continued harrassing them with messages; THEN I'd think we'd be nuts. But of course we're going to be desperate to hear news, whether good or bad. It's frustrating that they can't get that!

 

I know my friends won't judge me at all. I know they'll only want to be there for me. In some ways I want to admit to people that's it's over; but I just don't feel ready explaining why yet. I think my main problem is that telling everyone makes it real. And once I tell my friends it's over, they'll obviously want an explanation why; and like I said, I just don't think I could give them one yet. I have told one friend about everything, and she's really good about just letting me vent about it all, and offering me her opinion. I think I just feel better about talking to her about it, because I know she'll say more that just "OMG, what an a**hole. You deserve so much better!". At this point, I need something more than that; and I know that's the kind of thing my other friends would say.

 

Generally my good moments don't last a whole day. I'll always be back to feeling upset. It just sucks because EVERYTHING reminds me of him. He hasn't even got that common of a name, but I see either his first or last name everywhere now. It'll be in the opening credits of a movie, or commenting one of my friends on facebook. Just in random places, where I'll have forgotten him for a second and then BAM, he's back again. Very frustrating! Not to mention just random objects and things remind me of him too. For instance, when I was driving down the coast for Christmas, we were driving past signs for places we've gone to together, and it just made me really sad that we wouldn't be making any new memories or going anywhere together. It made it especially worse when I thought about how he didn't WANT to do anything as a couple anymore. Things keep happening in my every day life that I would love to talk to him about, or show him. For instance, I went with my sister and her boyfriend while she showed him around my dads family farm, and my nans house, as well as the small town we used to live in. It made me really sad that he wasn't there with me, having me show him around like he would have been if this hadn't of happened. Also, he's into bodyboarding and stuff and right as this started (in fact, the day that I last heard from him), I had a surfing lesson. It just made me really excited to tell him, and then he just disappeared and I never got the chance. I just hate how I can't share anything with him anymore. When things happened to me, he was the one I was always excited about telling.

 

Thanks, it has definitely helped me talking to you too. I really wish neither of us had to deal with this either. It's heartbreaking.

 

 

Aisle_Seat- I totally agree. There's just no excuse for this behaviour. It's majorly selfish and immature. It's frustrating that I can't do something about it like a couple who lives close together can. Because of all the distance, I feel that rocking up to his house would be considered crazy, though I have to say I have considered it since it's about the only way where I can force him to have to tell me what's up. I definitely plan to send that email/letter. I plan to leave it for awhile though. I'm trying to back away and not contact him at all for awhile. I'm going to give him the opportunity to come to me. And if after some time I haven't heard from him yet, then I plan to send the email/letter. The hardest thing is giving him that space though, because sometimes I feel determined to be patient and wait; but others I feel desperate for a reply and upset, that I need to contact him. It's frustrating! But I know more contact from me is only going to do more harm than good, so I need to back off. My email/letter to him won't at all be mean. Just honest, and will tell him how he's made me feel. There won't be any unnecessary name-calling or anything like that. While I feel the urge to say stuff like that sometimes, I know it won't help the situation, and I'll only regret doing so. I think that is actually one of the hardest things. Knowing that him doing this means that he doesn't love me. But it also makes me wonder if he's just never really loved me at all; and the thought of that pretty much kills me. I know I deserve better; but it hurts so much that he doesn't feel that way, and want to be the one to treat me that way.

Edited January 4, 2011 by Faded_x

[Faded_x]

I think the thing that was making me feel worse, was that I couldn't stop "checking up" on him. Like I mentioned earlier, he has this forum that he frequents; and he knows I know about it. He hasn't posted on it at all in over a month, which is very strange for him. However, he HAS been online on it occasionally, though not near as often as usual. He wouldn't really know that I know he's been online there though. And like I mentioned before, he's recently reopened up his old facebook account; but doesn't realise that I can tell when he's been online sometimes. His profile is entirely private, but when I was worried about him, I googled his name thinking I might discover some article on an accident or something (a long shot, I know; but I really had no idea what else to do), and it actually came up comments from him on friends of his facebook pages. He seems to be on facebook most days, if not every day. So clearly he's just fine, and perfectly capable of contacting me. I just find it a bit strange, though, that he's not going on the sites he knows I know about; but he's online on facebook, where he thinks his posts are hidden from pretty much everyone (including me). It's like he wants to hide it from me, that he is actually around. I don't know.

 

I'm making a serious effort to stop "checking up" on him though. It's really not helping, and I'm only seeing things that upset me; yet can't discuss anything with him and feel better. Seeing him having been online after I've sent him an email or something really hurts, knowing that he hadn't bothered to reply to me. So I'm determined to stop contacting him, as well as "checking up" on him. While I don't think stopping either will really make me feel any better; doing the opposite only makes me feel a lot worse, so I'm much better off.

Edited January 5, 2011 by Faded_x

[folieadeux]

Faded_x, from the last communication you had with him, I can't pinpoint why he would have reacted the way he did at all. It would almost be better and allow you some closure had you gotten into a big argument right before; the silence is even more deafening because it happened for no reason from what I can tell from your posts. But, as I've said before, there is no excuse for his behavior at all. It would have taken all of a few minutes out of his day that he spent on Facebook to have a chat with you about what was going on. It still would have hurt, but not have been nearly as cruel.

 

I think you really have to ask yourself too what you would do if he actually contacts you again. Do you really want someone like that in your life, as a friend or otherwise? Someone capable of causing so much pain shouldn't have any place in your life.

[Faded_x]

Faded_x, from the last communication you had with him, I can't pinpoint why he would have reacted the way he did at all. It would almost be better and allow you some closure had you gotten into a big argument right before; the silence is even more deafening because it happened for no reason from what I can tell from your posts. But, as I've said before, there is no excuse for his behavior at all. It would have taken all of a few minutes out of his day that he spent on Facebook to have a chat with you about what was going on. It still would have hurt, but not have been nearly as cruel.

 

I think you really have to ask yourself too what you would do if he actually contacts you again. Do you really want someone like that in your life, as a friend or otherwise? Someone capable of causing so much pain shouldn't have any place in your life.

 

I certainly don't expect to ever go back to what we were. I do accept that the relationship is over. However a friendship definitely isn't out of the question, depending on if he does get back into contact with me, and what he says. I get what you're saying, but I also can't just cut someone out of my life completely over one (yes, very large) issue; after we've been through a lot over the past 2.5 years together. I know it would be very difficult, and we would have to have a good talk over it all; but I definitely think a friendship is possible. Of course, that doesn't mean much at all though, if he never bothers to get in contact with me again.

 

And yes, it definitely would be a bit easier if we had of had a fight or something. The fact that things seemed just fine, and his text didn't seem to imply anything bad, is just confusing.

[folieadeux]

I certainly don't expect to ever go back to what we were. I do accept that the relationship is over. However a friendship definitely isn't out of the question, depending on if he does get back into contact with me, and what he says. I get what you're saying, but I also can't just cut someone out of my life completely over one (yes, very large) issue; after we've been through a lot over the past 2.5 years together. I know it would be very difficult, and we would have to have a good talk over it all; but I definitely think a friendship is possible. Of course, that doesn't mean much at all though, if he never bothers to get in contact with me again.

 

And yes, it definitely would be a bit easier if we had of had a fight or something. The fact that things seemed just fine, and his text didn't seem to imply anything bad, is just confusing.

 

I give you so much credit for still wanting friendship. I could never do something like that; you're a much bigger person than I am.

 

Do you guys have any mutual friends that could maybe shed some light on what's going on?

[Faded_x]

I give you so much credit for still wanting friendship. I could never do something like that; you're a much bigger person than I am.

 

Do you guys have any mutual friends that could maybe shed some light on what's going on?

 

Not really, I actually think of myself as the weaker person, since I can have someone treat me like that, yet still keep them in my life. Admittedly, I'm not saying that if he came back and was ok with a friendship, I would blindly have one with him. There would have to be a lot of talking and thinking involved, obviously.

 

As for mutual friends; not really. There are friends of his that I have met, that I have come across their facebook pages (though we're not friends). I had contemplated sending them a facebook message in the early days when I thought something was wrong. I was hesitant to though at first, since I felt I'd probably come across as stalkerish and weird. Particularly since I didn't really know them very well at all. But then since I've discovered that he is fine, I've pretty much decided against it. I would feel pretty embarrassed contacting this person, and having them be all "Ummm, I don't know why he's not contacting you; he's just fine, I saw him yesterday", or whatever. I do have the phone numbers for his work, as well as his dads business. I'm not sure what help ringing either of them could do, though I have contemplated it.

Edited January 5, 2011 by Faded_x

[folieadeux]

Not really, I actually think of myself as the weaker person, since I can have someone treat me like that, yet still keep them in my life. Admittedly, I'm not saying that if he came back and was ok with a friendship, I would blindly have one with him. There would have to be a lot of talking and thinking involved, obviously.

 

As for mutual friends; not really. There are friends of his that I have met, that I have come across their facebook pages (though we're not friends). I had contemplated sending them a facebook message in the early days when I thought something was wrong. I was hesitant to though at first, since I felt I'd probably come across as stalkerish and weird. Particularly since I didn't really know them very well at all. But then since I've discovered that he is fine, I've pretty much decided against it. I would feel pretty embarrassed contacting this person, and having them be all "Ummm, I don't know why he's not contacting you; he's just fine, I saw him yesterday", or whatever. I do have the phone numbers for his work, as well as his dads business. I'm not sure what help ringing either of them could do, though I have contemplated it.

 

Yeah...I didn't mean to suggest any "stalkerish" behavior. I was just curious to see if it was a possibility that you both shared any mutual friends that could aid in you getting some sort of closure.

[Faded_x]

Yeah...I didn't mean to suggest any "stalkerish" behavior. I was just curious to see if it was a possibility that you both shared any mutual friends that could aid in you getting some sort of closure.

 

The person I was thinking about messaging, I actually came across accidentally. I was on the page of a facebook friend of mine (this isn't someone I really know now; more so someone from my past), when I noticed that one of their friends (that I could see from the 6 or so random friends they show on your profile page) was a friend of my boyfriend's(?) that I had met a few times before. I was curious (naturally) and clicked on it just to be sure it was the same person, and it was. I didn't do anything more than that, though. When all this happened and I was thinking about contacting her, I went back to her page and we no longer had that mutual friend. With that mutual friend I felt ok contacting her, as she'd see we had a mutual friend and that I probably came across her by chance. Without it, I felt too strange and stalkerish (even if it still was only a coincidence), and so decided to put it off as a last resort. If we still had that mutual friend, I think I would contact her now. We never got overly close, but I had met her multiple times before and we got along well enough. I think I would have done it, just so I could have heard something back. I'm sick of having to wonder. Now though, I don't know what to do.

[Narf]

im sorry this happened to you... Im in a similar situtation however this behaviour has happened once before to me from the same guy which turned us into just friends... He has now done it again... but it has only been a week.

 

My ideas about why are similar to yours... Something i did? Something i said? But honestly does it matter? Im on a roller coaster that i am hoping ends soon cause it is soo very draining...

The idea that comes to my mind most, is he didnt want to actually hurt me cause i did nothing wrong... It was something he was dealing with that has now effected our relationship/friendship... I think the silences means they dont have to voice what they are thinking and therefore isnt so hard for them to handle... Think about it... Thinking something and actually saying it are 2 very different things... To watch someone you had feelings for and still care about hurting is so very hard and knowing you caused it is harder still... It is the cowards way and i do not agree with it at all, but not talking to you and probally telling himself silence is best because A) He is confused and cant put it into words B) knows exactly he is done but cause bring himself to say it to you

I believe they possible think by saying nothing they havent burnt any bridges or havent damaged the relationship beyond repair... So that one day if/when they want to talk to you they can cause hey! You didnt fight and they never said anything wrong... But the reality is they are cowards and even if they do come back what you had will never be the same... Something will happen when they cant/dont reply and all the feelings of what happened before will come back Im there and it hurts but not as much as the first time... but i guess this time my guard was up :/

 

Time will help but it will take ages! Good luck and i hope he does finally give you closure but i would try to tell yourself something anything to make the hope die...

[Faded_x]

im sorry this happened to you... Im in a similar situtation however this behaviour has happened once before to me from the same guy which turned us into just friends... He has now done it again... but it has only been a week.

 

My ideas about why are similar to yours... Something i did? Something i said? But honestly does it matter? Im on a roller coaster that i am hoping ends soon cause it is soo very draining...

The idea that comes to my mind most, is he didnt want to actually hurt me cause i did nothing wrong... It was something he was dealing with that has now effected our relationship/friendship... I think the silences means they dont have to voice what they are thinking and therefore isnt so hard for them to handle... Think about it... Thinking something and actually saying it are 2 very different things... To watch someone you had feelings for and still care about hurting is so very hard and knowing you caused it is harder still... It is the cowards way and i do not agree with it at all, but not talking to you and probally telling himself silence is best because A) He is confused and cant put it into words B) knows exactly he is done but cause bring himself to say it to you

I believe they possible think by saying nothing they havent burnt any bridges or havent damaged the relationship beyond repair... So that one day if/when they want to talk to you they can cause hey! You didnt fight and they never said anything wrong... But the reality is they are cowards and even if they do come back what you had will never be the same... Something will happen when they cant/dont reply and all the feelings of what happened before will come back Im there and it hurts but not as much as the first time... but i guess this time my guard was up :/

 

Time will help but it will take ages! Good luck and i hope he does finally give you closure but i would try to tell yourself something anything to make the hope die...

 

Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. It really is horrible. I do keep wondering what happened to make him do this, but I'm so confused. The last thing he said to me, made it seem like he'd be in touch soon. Obviously we hadn't been talking since that; so I didn't even have a chance to say/do the wrong thing! I really think he just had a chance to think things over; and it gave him doubts or something, I don't know. And like you said, it's easier to just pull back, then to actually step up and say something. With LDR's, it's so easy for one person to pull back and cut the other out entirely and not have to deal with it anymore. The thing is, I do know he's not the type to like confrontation about serious issues; but I didn't think it would be to the extent of leaving things like this forever. I really do keep trying to convince myself I won't hear from him again. It's so difficult though. I know there is a really high chance of him never contacting me again, but I can't help the hope that I have. I want to accept that I'll never hear from him again and begin to move on. That way, if I do hear from him again, it will be a pleasant surprise. Rather than thinking I'll hear from him; and then never doing so.

Edited January 5, 2011 by Faded_x

[LuLu65]

im sorry this happened to you... Im in a similar situtation however this behaviour has happened once before to me from the same guy which turned us into just friends... He has now done it again... but it has only been a week.

 

 

Well that's 3 of us.....I'll never understand how someone we know and care about and appears to care about us can do something like this, no matter the type of relationship. Whether it be fear or cowardice on their part, it would be much simpler to just tell us what's going on. It's really sad.......I do hope we all get some sort of resolution and I wonder how many more people are going through this exact same thing.

[aisle_seat]

I was just checking back to read the responses and again to express, on behalf of decent and honest men everywhere, I am sorry you all have been on the receiving end of such undeserved treatment.

 

I find the behavior exhibited by these guys deplorable and really unexplainable...except to say it is true that immaturity is wrought with foolishness and narcissism. And make no mistake - it is narcissism. Their behavior is all about them and their selfishness. It's about not wanting to face up to you and has nothing to do with you or who you are. Don't pretend it's because they don't want to hurt your feelings...it has nothing to do with how they think you feel. Obviously...if they did they would not treat you like this. For whatever reason they want to break it off with you and don't have the guts to tell you why. They're children and they're hiding, hoping you'll get tired of waiting and stop trying to contact them. That's all it's about; running away from an unpleasant reality. It's spineless, it's hurtful to you and it's a window into their emotionally-stunted selves. I know this may be difficult to accept but it's true.

 

I understand you can't help how you feel and would never tell you to feel differently; you'll have to go through your own healing process. But try to accept that these guys don't deserve you or the time you spend worrying about them and wondering what they are feeling. Because whatever they may be feeling, it isn't about you.

 

Take care of yourselves as best you can.