Not Sure Anymore

[Faded_x]

Ahh, this is all so confusing, and I don't want to make the wrong decision either way. I don't want to continue with this and put trust in him, if I'm only going to regret it. After what's happened, it's not as easy to just blindingly believe everything he said like before. What if I continue on with things, and am taken for a fool? But I really don't want to give up something that was so good for 2.5 years, if we really could have made it despite this. It's so difficult!

 

For the record, we haven't finished our discussion yet. Due to bad weather (we're having bad flood-weather here at the moment!) I wasn't able to get home in time, and I couldn't really have it where I was at the time as I was surrounded by people.

 

The thing is though, I'm now beginning to question everything he says which is making this more difficult. For instance... Like I've mentioned before, when I was worried about him, I googled him and came across the fact that he reopened his old facebook account. One of the things I came across, is the fact that he RSVP'd to go to a party/night out type thing tonight. But today when I've been talking to him, he didn't mention going out tonight at all. In fact, he mentioned that he definitely wasn't. I figured he'd changed his mind or something since he RSVP'd to the party, as it had been over a week ago since he had. He said he was at another friends house, and they were just playing ps3. Then he said he was going to go to his room (he stays in their spare room) and we continued talking through text. At about 11pm, he stopped responding. This isn't all that uncommon, as he's the type to fall asleep easy once he's tired and laying down. This has happened many times before while we've been chatting; even when we've been together in the same room, so I know it is possible. It's just now I can't help but doubting him and wondering if he really is at his friends, asleep. How much of a coincidence does it seem, that the night that he'd apparently planned to go out (and that he would have no idea that I could know about), he just "falls asleep" by 11pm?! As I assume that will be the reason I get tomorrow morning. I don't know. I never would have questioned this before; but now I can't help doing so, and it's driving me crazy! I don't know why he'd want to hide something like this from me as it's not like I'd begrudge him a night out if that's what he wanted; but I don't know. It just seems like too much of a coincidence to me, even if there could easily be many perfectly reasonable explanations for it!

 

And just so you know, I am aware that I am being crazy about this haha.

[folieadeux]

You're not being crazy at all...you have every right and then some to question everything he says from here on out given everything he's put you through. This fact alone is one major reason why I would not continue a romantic relationship with this guy. I know it's hard to give up on someone you've been with for so long...but he threw it away, not you. There's a big difference there. Although I respect you greatly for wanting to still maintain a friendly relationship with him, I think the trust issues he's created are lasting ones that make it nearly impossible for a romantic relationship to thrive.

 

I think the fact that you were able to wait for him to contact you and go about your day as per usual is a great sign too. It shows you don't have to put your life on hold for him and are on your way to making the right decision for you and you alone.

[LuLu65]

I tend to agree.......he would have to do a great deal to earn your trust back. If you do want to try, I could only suggest that he earn that trust back before starting a romantic relationship again.

 

And he's going to have to expect that you're not got to take him for his word anymore, he lost that.

 

I'm sure you will make the right decision for you....only you have all the information on the situation. I'm glad that you are getting plenty time to hold this conversation with him too. Not rushing through things is always the best. Hope it continues to go well.

[Faded_x]

You're not being crazy at all...you have every right and then some to question everything he says from here on out given everything he's put you through. This fact alone is one major reason why I would not continue a romantic relationship with this guy. I know it's hard to give up on someone you've been with for so long...but he threw it away, not you. There's a big difference there. Although I respect you greatly for wanting to still maintain a friendly relationship with him, I think the trust issues he's created are lasting ones that make it nearly impossible for a romantic relationship to thrive.

 

I think the fact that you were able to wait for him to contact you and go about your day as per usual is a great sign too. It shows you don't have to put your life on hold for him and are on your way to making the right decision for you and you alone.

 

Yes, it is very hard to give up on someone after being together this long. I do get what you mean by "he threw it away, not you", but it would still be me severing the ties really, as he is wanting to try and make this work. It's so hard to just let go, when you've formed such an attachment. I'm the kind of person who finds it difficult to just give up in any situation, so something like this is 100 times harder. As for the trust issues, I think they can be built back up in time. Honestly, I know that if we do make it through this, our relationship will be much better off than it was even before this. We had small issues before all this, nothing terribly bad or deal breakers by any means, but I plan to use this time to go over everything. He seems keen to do whatever it takes, and I'm just going to wait until our talk to see how it goes. If we do continue on with things, I'll certainly let it be known that we'll be having to take things slow, and he'll need to be patient with me. If he can't handle that (or any of my other requests/things I say), then this won't work.

[Faded_x]

I tend to agree.......he would have to do a great deal to earn your trust back. If you do want to try, I could only suggest that he earn that trust back before starting a romantic relationship again.

 

And he's going to have to expect that you're not got to take him for his word anymore, he lost that.

 

I'm sure you will make the right decision for you....only you have all the information on the situation. I'm glad that you are getting plenty time to hold this conversation with him too. Not rushing through things is always the best. Hope it continues to go well.

 

Thanks LuLu. Like I said to folieadeux, we will be taking things slow to begin with. The main trust issues is to do with trusting him not to hurt me again. I don't really having issues with trusting the things he says usually; only now because what has happened is still only fresh. I know that I'll soon not question the things he says, but it's just the trusting him not to hurt me again part that we'll need to work on.

[LuLu65]

I'm just so happy for you, you're moving ahead and that's great.......as always I hope it continues to go well.

[LuLu65]

Hope you're okay Faded......you mentioned bad flood weather earlier. Take CAre

[folieadeux]

Hope everything's ok

[LuLu65]

I'm pretty sure she mentioned being from Australia at least that's the impression I got. I worried about her safety now....hope I'm wrong and she's just been real busy.

[folieadeux]

I'm pretty sure she mentioned being from Australia at least that's the impression I got. I worried about her safety now....hope I'm wrong and she's just been real busy.

 

I remember that too, however I'm not sure which part she's from or where the floods were.

[Faded_x]

I'm pretty sure she mentioned being from Australia at least that's the impression I got. I worried about her safety now....hope I'm wrong and she's just been real busy.

 

Thanks for the concern, guys. I appreciate it. Where I'm from it is flooding a little, but nothing like it is further north, so I'm perfectly safe .

 

I haven't really posted lately because I've been fairly busy with uni preparation, and also there's nothing really new to report on the situation, and I didn't really want to say too much more until I've sorted things out either way.

 

I hope you're all well, and LuLu, I hope things are going ok for you.

[LuLu65]

Thanks for the concern, guys. I appreciate it. Where I'm from it is flooding a little, but nothing like it is further north, so I'm perfectly safe .

 

I haven't really posted lately because I've been fairly busy with uni preparation, and also there's nothing really new to report on the situation, and I didn't really want to say too much more until I've sorted things out either way.

 

I hope you're all well, and LuLu, I hope things are going ok for you.

I'm SO glad you're okay Faded. Thanks for letting us know.

 

The flooding there is just horrible and my heart goes out to everyone there effected.

 

I'm still in the dark on my situation, but I'm doing just fine. Thanks for asking. He's not deleted me from the two social sites we were on together, but he doesn't seem to have been on them either, so I have to admit I'm hoping that's a sign that at some point he'll say hi, but I'm not going to hold my breath either. As he could just not be planning to use them anymore and just didn't bother to delete them or me, who knows.

 

I'll always be his friend and I'll always be here for him should he every want to chat again on a more limited bases, but I won't let my heart get involved the way it was. So I guess I'm coming out the other side. I still have bad days.....but they are fewer and far between.

 

You keep taking care of yourself. So glad things are progressing for you.

[Faded_x]

I'm SO glad you're okay Faded. Thanks for letting us know.

 

The flooding there is just horrible and my heart goes out to everyone there effected.

 

I'm still in the dark on my situation, but I'm doing just fine. Thanks for asking. He's not deleted me from the two social sites we were on together, but he doesn't seem to have been on them either, so I have to admit I'm hoping that's a sign that at some point he'll say hi, but I'm not going to hold my breath either. As he could just not be planning to use them anymore and just didn't bother to delete them or me, who knows.

 

I'll always be his friend and I'll always be here for him should he every want to chat again on a more limited bases, but I won't let my heart get involved the way it was. So I guess I'm coming out the other side. I still have bad days.....but they are fewer and far between.

 

You keep taking care of yourself. So glad things are progressing for you.

 

The flooding really is terrible. Live coverage of it all is the only thing on TV at the moment so it's pretty much all everyone here is watching. It's heartbreaking to see! I have a fair few friends living up that way, but luckily they are all evacuated and safe.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're still in the dark, but glad you're doing a lot better. I understand your hope from him not having deleted you off the social sites. I was the same way when I realised I hadn't been deleted off MSN, and my number hadn't been blocked. I'm glad you won't be holding your breath for a reply though, as that will only hinder your progress of moving on. I also know exactly what you mean about always willing to be there for him as a friend; I am exactly the same. I really am glad that you're on your way to recovering from this though. I don't even really know you, but I can already tell you're a great person who didn't deserve to be treated this way.

 

At the moment, I really have no idea what's going on. Quite honestly, I think my boyfriend (I call him that due to not really knowing what else to call him) is struggling with depression or something similar. It makes things difficult because this isn't just a black and white situation. I still have to look out for me, but I also really don't want to just give up on him when he's going through something like this either. The distance just makes things SO much harder though. I know if we were proximal, we wouldn't have this problem at all. He just really isn't good at communicating at all; and when we're at such a distance, something like that is really bad. If we were together, I'd be able to be there for him by just being there. A few days ago I tried talking about things, and something I said must have really got to him. I've tried to be patient and give him a bit of space over the past few days, but it's just so hard. I'm so tired of not knowing what's going on, and where we stand. I love and care about him a lot, but he just seems to be making things so much harder than they need to be. I really don't understand his way of handling things. It's just all so confusing. I don't understand why he can't just be upfront and honest with me!

[folieadeux]

So glad to hear you're ok and that you're keeping busy with other things.

 

If your boyfriend really is suffering from depression, that unfortunately complicates things even more than the distance already does. He may very well want to give you a straight answer, but just isn't able to get himself together right now to do it.

[Faded_x]

Thanks folieadeux.

 

He may very well want to give you a straight answer, but just isn't able to get himself together right now to do it.

 

This is pretty much the only reason why I'm still sticking around. While he may not have depression, I'm fairly sure he at least has something that is majorly affecting him. If he was just acting this way due to not really being into me, then I'd just cut my losses and leave things. But something tells me that isn't the case. I can't really know for sure though either way, but I'm willing to stick this out a little longer to see how things go.

[Faded_x]

Sorry for the double post, but I just really have something on my mind at the moment.

 

Currently I haven't spoken to him in a few days. I'm pretty worried that this is going to turn into an epic disappearance again, but I don't know if it will be. Last time we spoke, I was trying to talk to him about everything, and I think he took offense (or got angry?) over something I said. I tried being calm and reasonable the whole time, but upon reading it later on, I realised something I said could have been taken in a different way. His reaction was to just leave the situation. I heard from him briefly after this happened, and again briefly the next day; then nothing since. I'm concerned about doing the wrong thing and "setting him off" again. I don't want to have to tiptoe around him, but I don't see any other way at the moment. It's confusing not knowing where he's really coming from. Like I said, I really don't know for sure if he has depression, or some other illness. This is just something that I think could be the case. For all I really know, it could be that he just really isn't into me. It's very frustrating not really knowing for sure.

 

Anyway, my main concern now, is what to do from here. I haven't heard from him in 3 days, and I've been leaving him alone for the past 2. I'm not sure if I should continue leaving him alone, or just send him a message saying something like "Hey, I really hope you're ok". Nothing hassling, but just letting him know I'm concerned and here if he wants to talk. I would prefer to leave it and let him come to me, but I'm having a lot of difficulty doing that (which is silly, I know haha). I think my best bet is to leave it until at least tomorrow, before sending him my message hoping he's ok. What do you guys think? What would you do? Thanks .

[LuLu65]

Things are seldom cut and dry are they?

 

I'm sorry this is getting even more complicated for you as it makes your decisions much harder to make. I know I'd be feeling I can't just run out on someone I care deeply for if they are having difficulties.

 

You stick with them and help however possible. As long as you're not enabling them to continue being depressed or whatever the case may be, only helping them get the help they need.

 

But you have to care for yourself as well......that's were it becomes so hard.

 

I don't know what would be for the best but I think I would do as you are doing already. Not sending texts all the time.....giving him space but still send a hello, how are you? every once and a while to let him know you're there, you've not run away but you're not going to push either.

 

If it is depression he's suffering from I hope he seeks professional help with overcoming it, depression is a hard thing for a person to admit though.......and as you say you're only guessing but you could be right.

 

Best I know to say is to keep taking things slow and one step at a time. Be there for him, but don't lose you in the process. And try not to second guess yourself, you're doing right, in my opinion.

 

And thanks, I don't really know you either but I think you are a great person as well and you don't deserve any of this either.

[aisle_seat]

Hi Faded,

 

Unless you left things with him that you would get back to him, then I think you have to let him decide about contacting you. I understand this is very hard, but unless you think otherwise, he's got to know at this point that you want to talk to him. It's not right that he continually ignores your requests to talk and at some point, you've just got to leave it up to him.

 

You really need to create some mental distance between you and him to protect your heart. I'm not saying run out and find another boyfriend, but get on with your life, enjoy your hobbies, friends, whatever you have in your life that you can rely on to bring you happiness. If he wants to talk at some point, he will let you know. In the mean time, don't wait around for him to tell you if your good enough or not for him. That sounds harsh, but there is no way he should be turning away from you like this without giving you a good reason. From what I've read, that has not happened and I'm sorry, but that just seems cowardly to me.

[folieadeux]

Where did you leave things last time you spoke? Was it eluded to at all who would contact who first? If nothing was mentioned, I think it'd be okay to just send him a quick message in the fashion you suggested. I definitely wouldn't bring up any "relationship" type stuff. Keeping it general is key. And I think you have a valid reason for concern if you haven't heard from him in three days and the last you left it he was feeling that down about things. So, for me, sending a little inquiry would be fine considering his mental state right now. If he doesn't get back to you or if he said he'd be the one to contact you last, I think you have all of your answers right there...he's pulling another disappearing act for one reason or another. And at this point, the reason wouldn't even matter. Just take comfort in the fact that you really did extend every effort here and begin the process of moving on with your life. It won't be easy, but this rollercoaster you're on is worse.

[Lockdown]

Faded, I am new to your story, but I have read over it and tried to catch up, and hope I can offer you some advice that hasn't already been given.

 

You seem like a very patient, kind hearted, loving, and insightful individual. This isn't something any man should take for granted, but believe me, as a man, I have made many mistakes to women just like you, not because of them, but because of me. Sometimes I make them simply because of my gender, men will be men, other times, its because of my addictive personality -- I get so attached I literally exhibit behaviors just like a drug addict or an alcoholic -- other times, it is because of anxiety or depression. It doesn't give me the right to treat those who love me in a cruel or cold way, but sometimes I still can't stop myself from acting like a fool, and regretting it, even hating myself afterward.

 

I find myself asking the question -- why would someone so kind, so loving, and so great, love a person like me, after saying the cruel things I have said? The truth is, love goes beyond that, is deeper and stronger than that, and its only now that I am learning this.

 

I know you are finding it difficult to let go -- especially since you re-established contact recently, and since you were in a 2 and a half year relationship with him, and he was your first.

 

Please believe me when I tell you -- the concept of the first love being the only love is a grossly over estimated romanticism that is completely unneeded to the happiness of people like us. What *is* important, is your *last* love, the person you will spend the rest of your life with.

 

In your situation, a long distance relationship with someone who leaves you spinning on your head, is not a healthy, edifying, or fulfilling relationship. I understand your love, your concern, your doubts, your fears.....I have struggled with depression, and no one was there for me when I needed them...I wish I had someone like you who cared to help me when I was down...but I was not so lucky.

 

I don't know the nature of his issues, or why he would not talk to you for 44 days, or why he would still be on MSN but not talk to you, or not answer a simple text message or e-mail. Open communication is important to every relationship. 44 days is too long, - I know you haven't excused it....but I think you need something more than that, better than that. As depressed and as self serving as he may be, he should have given you the respect and answers you deserve.

 

There are two people in this relationship, not just him. You seem so giving, so caring, I would hate to see your love be wasted on someone that is unable to properly receive it.

 

You are 21, you are young, but you show much maturity in your thought process and intelligence in your words.

 

In my honest opinion, as hard as it is, I think you need to spend more time thinking about you, what you want out of a relationship, what you want out of life, out of love, in someone who is able and willing to provide to your relationship needs. I don't believe this individual does those things, but it is for you to decide.

 

I have been in similar situations with people who have broken off relationships with me, and gave me no explanation, no more communication, and total cold shoulder. I like you, threw myself at their mercy, feeling foolish and weak for falling on my knees, begging for an explanation, a conversation, a sentence, a word. Anything to know why they weren't being close, or just telling me a simple goodbye. I haven't learned why for every person, but eventually, the pain subsides, you heal, you come to terms with it on your own grounds, and you grow as a person because of it.

 

Personally, I am open and I communicate, so I think no contact is the coldest form of break up or cut off, but sometimes, people are do not have the gift of language, or courage to express their feelings as openly as the rest of us. Sometimes people are just immature and cold.

 

I feel for you, I really do. I'd like to see you take control of the situation, and rather than waiting for him to tell you something, I'd like to see you say something to him instead. Tell him how it is, take control of the situation. Don't be cruel, but be strong, be firm. If he is going to cut you off without explanation.....maybe it would be best for you to say goodbye while you have the chance, and move on....before he leaves you in the dark again.

 

I am not trying to be pessimistic, or cast doubt on your own thoughts. But I have been there, and believe me, being left in the dark is no way to be for a person like you. There is a bright warm sun waiting on the other side, I promise you.

[Faded_x]

Things are seldom cut and dry are they?

 

I'm sorry this is getting even more complicated for you as it makes your decisions much harder to make. I know I'd be feeling I can't just run out on someone I care deeply for if they are having difficulties.

 

You stick with them and help however possible. As long as you're not enabling them to continue being depressed or whatever the case may be, only helping them get the help they need.

 

But you have to care for yourself as well......that's were it becomes so hard.

 

I don't know what would be for the best but I think I would do as you are doing already. Not sending texts all the time.....giving him space but still send a hello, how are you? every once and a while to let him know you're there, you've not run away but you're not going to push either.

 

If it is depression he's suffering from I hope he seeks professional help with overcoming it, depression is a hard thing for a person to admit though.......and as you say you're only guessing but you could be right.

 

Best I know to say is to keep taking things slow and one step at a time. Be there for him, but don't lose you in the process. And try not to second guess yourself, you're doing right, in my opinion.

 

And thanks, I don't really know you either but I think you are a great person as well and you don't deserve any of this either.

 

Thanks for your response, once again!

 

That's exactly it. I honestly feel like he's having difficulties in his life at the moment, and this isn't just a case of him not being interested. Because of this, I probably am a bit more tolerant than I should be. Of course, it could turn out that he's not at all sick, and he just isn't into me and just isn't man enough to admit it outright. But I don't want to risk it just in case. I'd feel horrible abandoning anyone when they're going through something like that. Let alone someone I've been in a long term relationship with, that really meant a lot.

 

And thank you, it's good to know that you think I'm going about this the right way. I'm trying not to be impatient and angry. I'm very frustrated, but trying not to let it show right now, as that won't help things. I decided on a message saying hi, and hoping that he's ok. I realised though (after I sent it), that he was probably going away for the weekend and he'll be without reception for most (if not all) of that time. So I guess I'll have to wait until the beginning of next week to see if I get any response.

[Faded_x]

Hi Faded,

 

Unless you left things with him that you would get back to him, then I think you have to let him decide about contacting you. I understand this is very hard, but unless you think otherwise, he's got to know at this point that you want to talk to him. It's not right that he continually ignores your requests to talk and at some point, you've just got to leave it up to him.

 

You really need to create some mental distance between you and him to protect your heart. I'm not saying run out and find another boyfriend, but get on with your life, enjoy your hobbies, friends, whatever you have in your life that you can rely on to bring you happiness. If he wants to talk at some point, he will let you know. In the mean time, don't wait around for him to tell you if your good enough or not for him. That sounds harsh, but there is no way he should be turning away from you like this without giving you a good reason. From what I've read, that has not happened and I'm sorry, but that just seems cowardly to me.

 

We never really specified either way who would contact who. If he specified that he wanted me to leave it and let him come to me, I'd definitely do so. I know he technically knows I'm always here to talk. But last we spoke, I was wanting to talk about everything. So I just wanted to let him know my main concern is him (like, his health and well being), and that we could just talk "normally". I wasn't going to "nag" or try to push important conversation onto him.

 

I do know what you mean about needing to get some mental distance from him. It's very difficult though. I know you're not saying it's easy; but just wanted to point that out haha. I do get out and live my life as normal, but it only does so much. For instance, I went to a BBQ/party today. And while being around others stops me from wallowing and being upset that he hasn't called, I still think about him a lot. I mean yeah, my mind is taken off it all for parts; but I still come to thinking about it, even while around all those people.

 

I also get what you mean about not waiting around for him. I honestly try so hard to do this. I try and tell myself that I deserve so much better, and that I should just get angry at him and tell him to shove it and move on. But it's so hard to do that without even being told a thing, really. I mean, if he outright dumped me, yeah I'd be upset; but at least he'd have told me something. I'd know not to hope that he actually cared about me, and I could begin moving on. Currently I'm left unsure if this is due to an illness, or just total disinterest. Because honestly, before all this, he was so caring and sweet. And I didn't doubt his feelings for me at all. Throughout our relationship, I have wondered a few times if he has something like depression. It's hard to say for sure. Being in a LDR, I only catch glimpses of his home life, really. And while things seemed fine there, just things he has said and the way he has reacted to things, has made me think something was up. I could never really say for sure. He also said to me that he wasn't thinking straight, or in his right mind while he disappeared for that month. I know it's no excuse, but I also don't think it was really him that was doing what he did. That probably sounds silly, but I don't know.

[Faded_x]

Where did you leave things last time you spoke? Was it eluded to at all who would contact who first? If nothing was mentioned, I think it'd be okay to just send him a quick message in the fashion you suggested. I definitely wouldn't bring up any "relationship" type stuff. Keeping it general is key. And I think you have a valid reason for concern if you haven't heard from him in three days and the last you left it he was feeling that down about things. So, for me, sending a little inquiry would be fine considering his mental state right now. If he doesn't get back to you or if he said he'd be the one to contact you last, I think you have all of your answers right there...he's pulling another disappearing act for one reason or another. And at this point, the reason wouldn't even matter. Just take comfort in the fact that you really did extend every effort here and begin the process of moving on with your life. It won't be easy, but this rollercoaster you're on is worse.

 

Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking too. Nothing was said about who would contact who first, so I don't feel that I should necessarily be waiting around for a message when he never specified he wanted the space. I definitely wouldn't be trying to delve into important "relationship-y" type stuff. Like I said in my reply to aisle_seat, all I want to do is talk on a superficial level at this point, and see that he's ok.

 

Like I mentioned to LuLu, I sent him a "Hey, I hope you're ok", message, and then realised that he's away. He likely won't be home until late sunday, and even then he'll be really tired and probably go straight to sleep. While he's away he'll barely have any reception, if he's able to get any at all. So I'm not really expecting a reply just yet. However, if I haven't heard from him by later on monday, I'll assume he's got my message and isn't replying, and I'll try to move on and not contact him at all. I guess I'll have to wait until that point, and see how things go.

[Faded_x]

Faded, I am new to your story, but I have read over it and tried to catch up, and hope I can offer you some advice that hasn't already been given.

 

You seem like a very patient, kind hearted, loving, and insightful individual. This isn't something any man should take for granted, but believe me, as a man, I have made many mistakes to women just like you, not because of them, but because of me. Sometimes I make them simply because of my gender, men will be men, other times, its because of my addictive personality -- I get so attached I literally exhibit behaviors just like a drug addict or an alcoholic -- other times, it is because of anxiety or depression. It doesn't give me the right to treat those who love me in a cruel or cold way, but sometimes I still can't stop myself from acting like a fool, and regretting it, even hating myself afterward.

 

I find myself asking the question -- why would someone so kind, so loving, and so great, love a person like me, after saying the cruel things I have said? The truth is, love goes beyond that, is deeper and stronger than that, and its only now that I am learning this.

 

I know you are finding it difficult to let go -- especially since you re-established contact recently, and since you were in a 2 and a half year relationship with him, and he was your first.

 

Please believe me when I tell you -- the concept of the first love being the only love is a grossly over estimated romanticism that is completely unneeded to the happiness of people like us. What *is* important, is your *last* love, the person you will spend the rest of your life with.

 

In your situation, a long distance relationship with someone who leaves you spinning on your head, is not a healthy, edifying, or fulfilling relationship. I understand your love, your concern, your doubts, your fears.....I have struggled with depression, and no one was there for me when I needed them...I wish I had someone like you who cared to help me when I was down...but I was not so lucky.

 

I don't know the nature of his issues, or why he would not talk to you for 44 days, or why he would still be on MSN but not talk to you, or not answer a simple text message or e-mail. Open communication is important to every relationship. 44 days is too long, - I know you haven't excused it....but I think you need something more than that, better than that. As depressed and as self serving as he may be, he should have given you the respect and answers you deserve.

 

There are two people in this relationship, not just him. You seem so giving, so caring, I would hate to see your love be wasted on someone that is unable to properly receive it.

 

You are 21, you are young, but you show much maturity in your thought process and intelligence in your words.

 

In my honest opinion, as hard as it is, I think you need to spend more time thinking about you, what you want out of a relationship, what you want out of life, out of love, in someone who is able and willing to provide to your relationship needs. I don't believe this individual does those things, but it is for you to decide.

 

I have been in similar situations with people who have broken off relationships with me, and gave me no explanation, no more communication, and total cold shoulder. I like you, threw myself at their mercy, feeling foolish and weak for falling on my knees, begging for an explanation, a conversation, a sentence, a word. Anything to know why they weren't being close, or just telling me a simple goodbye. I haven't learned why for every person, but eventually, the pain subsides, you heal, you come to terms with it on your own grounds, and you grow as a person because of it.

 

Personally, I am open and I communicate, so I think no contact is the coldest form of break up or cut off, but sometimes, people are do not have the gift of language, or courage to express their feelings as openly as the rest of us. Sometimes people are just immature and cold.

 

I feel for you, I really do. I'd like to see you take control of the situation, and rather than waiting for him to tell you something, I'd like to see you say something to him instead. Tell him how it is, take control of the situation. Don't be cruel, but be strong, be firm. If he is going to cut you off without explanation.....maybe it would be best for you to say goodbye while you have the chance, and move on....before he leaves you in the dark again.

 

I am not trying to be pessimistic, or cast doubt on your own thoughts. But I have been there, and believe me, being left in the dark is no way to be for a person like you. There is a bright warm sun waiting on the other side, I promise you.

 

Thank you so much for your response. It was very well thought out, and I appreciate it .

 

What you said about "sometimes I still can't stop myself from acting like a fool, and regretting it, even hating myself afterward" kind of reminds me of something he said to me after he finally got back to me after those 44 days (actually, after recounting things, I realised it was more like 39 days of no contact. 44 days before he contacted me again is when it all started, but 5 days later I did hear from him briefly before he then disappeared for another 39. Not that it makes any difference; it's still a long time. But anyway...). What he said was something like "I was so angry at myself for not getting back to you; but it was like I couldn't stop myself". Which sounds very odd to me. In my mind, if you really care about someone and you know you're hurting them really bad; you do all you can to stop them from hurting so unnecessarily. Especially when all you need to do is something as simple as picking up the phone. It's not like he had to walk across hot coal, walk miles through a desert with no water, etc etc, in order to contact me. But then again, I really don't claim to know anything about mental illness (or whatever), if that's what this is. Which is why I'm being waaay more leniant than I'd normally be. If I knew for sure that this was due to a lack of interest and total selfishness, then I'd definitely be more sure on what I had to do.

 

When you said this "why would someone so kind, so loving, and so great, love a person like me, after saying the cruel things I have said?" it reminds me of when he told me that perhaps he should just leave me to move on, as I'll probably only get more hurt by being with him. Of course, I don't know if he really thought as you did "how could she still love me, after the cruel thing I've just done". Sometimes I'm not sure if he's just trying to get rid of me, without having to come across as a "bad guy" and end things properly himself.

 

I know your first love doesn't have to be your last. I know deep down that I could find somebody again and fall in love and be really happy. But at this point, it's hard to imagine loving anybody else; and feeling for somebody else the way I feel for him. It's just so difficult because really, he was my perfect guy. I know it sounds silly describing him as perfect after what he's done now, but he has all the traits that I like in a guy. The perfect height, looks, interests, personality, etc. Again, it sounds silly trying to hold onto something that sounds superficial; but it's not like that. There's a reason why I didn't date until I was a fair bit older than all my friends, and it wasn't because I didn't get offers. I'm not really fussy; but I just found it incredible that all I liked was bundled up in the one package. Again, I'm not holding onto him for these reasons. It runs a lot deeper than this. But I guess I'm just scared that if things do end between us, it will take me a long time to find all that again.

 

This may come across as up myself, but I do believe I'm a good girlfriend. I think I'm kind, loving, fairly decent looking, loyal, honest, willing to do pretty much anything for anyone; particularly those I love, etc etc. I know not everyone is going to be compatible, even if they are a good person. But I guess it does upset me enough, that he doesn't think of me as good enough of a girlfriend to actually think I deserve to be treated properly. Even if he has decided that I'm not the girl for him, I wish he could just treat me with respect and end things in a good way.

 

For the record, he wasn't coming online on MSN. I just had ways of knowing that he still had me added on there, and hadn't deleted me. I do get your point though. I still have no idea what he's really going through, or why he didn't contact my all that time. I agree, open communication is very important. I just honestly don't understand why he can't just talk about things with me upfront. Is it to do with his possible illness?

 

I'm sorry for the depression you had to go through alone, and the fact that you had to go through similar relationships, where you were left in the dark and told nothing. I agree that no contact and saying nothing is the coldest way to break up with someone and end things. It is absolutely cruel to leave someone with no answers, and no sense of closure.

 

I honestly don't think I'm strong enough to end things myself. I know that sounds totally pathetic. He's treating me like crap, with no respect, yet I can't even end things? I feel so stupid, but I feel like I need that closure. I feel like I need to at least hear why he's acting like this, before I can do anything permanent for myself. I feel like if I say goodbye and that it's over, he won't still contact me when he was planning to. I don't want him to think "Oh, well that's it. I don't want to bother her anymore". I don't want to scare him off from giving me the closure I could have had, if I was just a bit more patient.

[Lockdown]

Faded,

 

I have never heard of someone saying they were angry at themselves because they wanted to pick up the phone but could not. I am sure you expressed to him in your messages, texts, e-mails that you were concerned and desperately wished for a response. It seems irrational that a person would be unable to do something as small as just saying "I am not well, I am going through a hard time, I need some space, etc etc", to give the people that love them at least *some* insight into their lives -- and that can be a peace of mind within itself. For him to offer such a weak excuse as he could not, and is angry at himself, to me, is a terrible excuse.

 

You asked me if his difficulty to reach out to you could possibly be related to his illness. I have a bachelors degree in psychology, and from my personal experience when I suffered from my own depression, I can tell you that it is possible to cause communication blocks. Sometimes when a person deals with depression, they feel lonely, isolated...that no one understands them. This may have been what lead to his behavior concerning you. However, depression is always a case by case basis. There were times when people called me or wanted to talk to me, and the reason I did not speak to them, was simply because I did not want to -- and I would tell them. I had the opposite problem. I would call people, and they would not want to talk to me. However, that was my personal experience. Sometimes, people *can* also use their illness as an excuse, and sometimes unfortunately, it can lead to people abusing the relationships of the people who love them the most.

 

I don't know enough about him or his situation to make a call regarding the nature, depth, or magnitude of his illness. I have been trained to interpret, predict, and if needed, help change behavior. You have also mentioned other things are going on as well that are very personal to him, so I wish I could offer more advice, but I don't have an opportunity to speak with him to give you the answers you may like.

 

Avoidance of this nature is always tricky. So to give you a straight answer -- is it possibly due to his illness, I can tell you yes. However, there is a difference between totally cutting someone off for a month, and being avoiding. The only time a person with depression can get better and change, is if they are *willing* to. It is not a difficult thing, like you say, to simply pick up a phone, or send a text, just to let the other person (especially with time invested in a romantic relationship) know that you are in the very least, alive, breathing, and reading the messages you send them.

 

I always adhere to the notion of responsibility for ones actions, no matter how shaming or embarrassing or foolish they may have been or are. Part of the responsibility means taking ownership over ones own emotional status -- even if it is in a state of flux. Getting angry at himself does not do justice to the fact that he essentially abandoned you due to his own personal problems -- you let him know he was hurting you and bringing you down with him, yet he could not even simply pick up the phone, be a man, and acknowledge that despite his problems there was someone out there he was hurting not because of his behavior, but because of lack of one -- communicating with his girlfriend. As much as he has problems, as much as he is going through a difficult time, he owes it to you as your boyfriend to extend a communication.

 

I know what you mean about how you find him to be the whole package -- his interests, his life, his height, his looks -- all of that. Almost every time I fell in love, I felt that way about that special girl. You can feel that way again about someone else. I might be saying this to you, but right now I have my own relationship problems and.....believe me when I say -- I understand *exactly* what you mean!! I can't imagine loving anyone else right now....sadly I know its a harsh reality I might have to face...I've been too hard on her

 

But enough about me!!

 

You say that you feel you are not strong enough to end things yourself, but you are not pathetic in the least. You are not stupid either. It's a simple matter of -- you are in love, and you are deeply attached to the relationship. It seems like from what you've said, that you feel the relationship is coming to a close, but you still seem to hold on to some hope that it will work and continue on.

 

At this point, my concern is not the nature of your boyfriend, or his excuses. I have been known to be hard in the past....but, my concern is that you may very well be waiting, holding on, for an answer that will never come, or even worse, setting yourself up for another disappointment. I don't know the nature of the reliability of this person, maybe it was a one time mistake, but in all honesty, I think you are better off taking some time, taking a deep breath, and slowly getting past the things that are keeping you trapped here. Find a way, pick up a new hobby, don't stare at his pictures, or things that remind you of what you had. Move on sweety, you'll be better for it.