joe2111 Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Hello all. I have been married for 4 years now. I have been with my wife for about 10 yrs. We have been together since we were kids. One thing that has been missing is passion and intimacy in our relationship. I never realized it was missing until it was too late. Well about 1.5 yrs ago, I met someone else. in the beginning it was just a fling, but it became something more. We eventually fell inlove and the passion and intimacy was the biggest thing with us. I am stuck in a situation now that I dont want to be in. I realized being with this other woman, that intimacy and passion was missing. We eventually broke it off. I do stillmiss her alot. She really made me feel loved and showed me passion that was the greatest thing. My question is was it real? Can I ever find this passion and intimacy with my wife if we stay together? I wish I could but just dont know how and what to do. I have read others saying that you need to force yourself and act and pretend. I just dont see that as working. With this other woman it just came natural. Everything seemed to come more natural with this other woman. I dont want to be stuck in a marriage where I cant have these feelings. They are important and unforunately I just realized it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I didn't really 'get' passion until after my marriage ended so I know how you feel. I think you can create it with the right person. Give <URL removed> a try. They have a lot of information on rebuilding marriages. Link to post Share on other sites
thirtysomething Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I can only share with you my experiences. I too, had zero passion and intimacy with my husband, (partly because he was abusive) but regardless, as we all naturally do, we "look for it" in other places. Men as well as women, need the closeness and intimacy part just as much as the trust, love, and committment. So - I met someone that I'd been talking to on the internet. My husband found out after a few months and to be honest I was relieved - FINALLY I was free and could be with the one man who I would have honestly called my soulmate. THe connection was unimaginable - the sex was tremendous and very passionate - we just "merged" when we were together. So I got divorced and planned to move in with my new found soulmate. As usual - things started popping up, about his selfishness, about his being a workaholic, about his constant need to judge people, that made me uncomfortable. But - being that I'd found my "soulmate" I shrugged it off as just a human fault. Finally in June of 2001 I moved in with him - across the country with my 5 yr old son. Well - unexpectedly - I got pregnant. My "soulmate" already had three kids and didn't want more. The little warning signs (selfishness) I should have picked up on - surfaced - he threw me out with my 5 yr old son. We had sold our house and had nowhere to live. Here I was - thinking I was leaving to find my "true love" and when it all shakes out - I realized that true love is made - it's worked at - its not just some magical force that makes two people click. No matter how much passion and love you feel for the newbie - the really long haul - the 50 yr anniversary people - WORK HARD at it. There's a reason why you can have passion with one person and not with another - any many times that reason is YOU! Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Wow, Thirtysomething. It's awesome of you to post your story to serve as cautionary tale. I'm very sorry that things have not gone well in your life. But your future lies ahead, and with it, your true destiny. You now know something that many people never learn so I am sure your next relationship will succeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Passion and intimacy fades if YOU let it in any relationship. The reason it came so natural in the relationship you had is because it was new. Once the newness wears off in any long term relationship, the passion can fade (therefore so can the intimacy). Eventually, that passion and intimacy would have faded in this relationship you were having...the sparks fade and die down after a while, it's the nature and course of relationships. People that have affairs are drawn to the "magic" they've lost in their existing relationship. All I can suggest is that you have to put forth the effort with your spouse. Talk to her about it, and make it a joint effort. If it's something you don't think you can achieve with your spouse, then you need to seriously question whether or not you should be married. If you are drawn to the passion that you benefit from with the onset of a relationship, then it's unrealistic to think that you can maintain a long term marriage/relationship without looking elsewhere for immediate gratification. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Passion comes naturally...it can't be forced or created. I have been with passionate women where we could never keep our hands off each other, we were so close and it felt so wonderful and right...but for some reason or another these romances ended. With my wife there is little passion. We sometimes go months without having sex and weeks without touching or kissing each other. We have tried to be physically closer and add passion but it just doesn't feel natural. I ache for that feeling of being madly in love and longing to hold a woman that I am crazy about...but odds are I will never get that opportunity again. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Anybody here feel that "working at it" is a lot more effort than it's worth? Link to post Share on other sites
Greta Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Originally posted by soserious1 Anybody here feel that "working at it" is a lot more effort than it's worth? Yes, sometimes it is. But working at it is necessary, b/c as most of us know - jobs, kids, extended family, home maintenance, bills, the list goes on & on - all takes away from the time we once had to spend being intimate & passionate before all those other things came along. It takes work and an effort, from both partners, to make intimacy & passion a priority - it's usually still there, way down under the surface, you just have to give it the time it needs to bloom again. was that corny - or what??! Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Seems that 'forbidden fruit' is more exciting than the one who's always around, whom you know all too well. Whom you see everyday for years in every way, unshowered, mussy hair, in the bathroom. When you've long stopped working to look and be special like you did when you first met. Back when you were always on your best behavior and trying to look good and impress and it was a new and exciting. Plus ther'es secret excitment of getting away with something and keeping a huge secret between you two only. The grass is always greener isn't it? sorry about the cliches but if the shoe fits........ Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell were interviewed about their relationship, which has been going on successfully for many years. Goldie said she never walks around nude - that way they don't get bored with seeing each other all the time. Thought that was kind of interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 That is interesting Merry. But I love walking around my own home in the nude...something very relaxed and easy about being able to do that. I guess making passion something you try and always make time for is important, otherwise it can fade into the background sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 I love walking around my own home in the nude Can't really do that - the several hundred people living in the condo across from me might be a little perturbed 'Course, come to think of it, I might make some new friends Link to post Share on other sites
confused88 Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Great topic... I could feel passion for my wife - she just seems very uninterested and cold. The "untouchable" fruit seems is very enticing. Having any kind of passion only once a month is killing me. I've expressed this to my wife and she gets defense (too tired, kids, shopping, house cleaning, church). The bad thing is I truely don't think she misses it at all and is fine with the way things are@! I'll keep communicating with her, but she doesn't understand that it's important, to say the least! Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Keep trying to communicate ....maybe even try really hard to find some time away from the kids together Link to post Share on other sites
look forward Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 cool topic.. !! My ex and I were together for nearly nine years and at times it would all get very mundane and I can very much associate with some of the wives that were just too god damn tired or quite frankly could go without it.. sometimes i would rather have a long hot soak to be honest.. but we talked about it as it used to bother my ex when i would get like that and decided that every year be it a long weekend or a week we would go away for a "passion fuelled" break.. if there was no passion before we went away there certainly was when we got back from our breaks.. and it would seem to get us through the year till our next break.. I guess my point is you both have to want to keep the passion and excitement going and work at it .. anything worth having is worth working hard for.. Link to post Share on other sites
confused88 Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 I agree, keep working at it. Sex is a big part of it, but the intimate kisses , smiles, compliments, hugs, dressing up for each other, the touches when you pass each other... That is all part of it and it seems to have gone away. I'll keep talking, but her priorities are daughter, church, household, her business... then somewhere at the bottom is the marriage. All great values, but... Link to post Share on other sites
fairetale Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 I sound like your wife and you sound like my husband!! I am trying to figure out what is wrong with me!! Why at I don't feel passionate-there are some past issues that continue to crop up--also some insecurity on both of our parts- also the forbidden fruit is fun at the time, but in the long run it ruins what intimacy you have left in the relationship. (i speak from experience) Some women are also very sensitive to "unclean" smells such as unbrushed teeth, bootie odor etc... it is such a turn off..I know that I personally love cologne and a clean man. also a quiet evening with a glass of wine helps a person to relax prior to intimacy Maybe I can help you, maybe you can help me Link to post Share on other sites
dancemachine Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Ladies (and Gentlemen, too) -- Read Dr. Laura's new book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It can really give you some insight as to why many of us women behave the way we do, and how we can change our way of thinking. It only works if you have a guy who is basically good: No Addiction, Abuse, or Adultery (and same goes for the women)... As Dr. Laura says "A good man is hard to find... but EASY to keep!!! Link to post Share on other sites
fairetale Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Joe211---what are her complaints about you--does she feel secure about herself-do you feel secure about yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
dixiepix Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Oops, wrong thread. Link to post Share on other sites
confused88 Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 fairietale, I agree about body odors, cleanliness, appearance being major turn offs. We are both in good shape and I'm very concious about showering, staying clean, brushing teeth, and in general smiling. Her favorite quote - "I need compassion from you, not passion" Link to post Share on other sites
Uncomfortablynumb Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 I can surely relate to the intimacy problems with your wife. My wife and I always had a happy marriage until we moved after finishing school several years ago. She comes from a large and extremely close family, (of course mine is the polar opposite). She got depressed pretty quickly due to being out of her element. She saw a counselor for a time and got some medication for awhile. It has been hard not to take this personally and really feel like she is unhappy with me at times thought she has always said it's not me. Having children only exacerbated the problem as she developed post-partum depression and severe anxiety to boot. She stopped sleeping at night and became a basket case worrying about the kids. Medication and treatment helped but I can't help but feel that the intimacy has been drained away from our relationship in all this. I have heard of medication causing this but don't really want to say this to her for fear that she will become defensive and shut me out. Don't get me wrong here, it hasn't been that horrible, just trying. She is a wonderful loving mother to our kids and would literally do anything for them. She has a fulfilling job and is very happy with her situation at present. Unfortunately, I really don't know where I fit into her life lately. She really has no desire to do anything by the end of the day. She hasn't really made any real friends since we have lived here and I don't really know anyone outside of work. I occasionally go to the bar with some of the guys at work but not too often. I have talked to her about being more social and meeting people but she just wants no part of it. She says that she deals with people all day at work and gets her fill. We have family outings and shopping but they are never relaxing and rarely fun. Am I being selfish here or do I just need to get out and do this more on my own? Granted it's hard to do with the kids but do we really have to stop socializing and lock ourselves in the house during time off? She is generally uncomfortable with being held or touched and says that she has always felt this way since childhood. Of course I am the opposite and would like more physical closeness. I actually have started to fantasize about just holding and touching other women and wouldn't even need to have sex. I got a wake up call about a year ago when I met a woman who really opened my eyes to the fact that I was unhappy. Just a smile from her felt so wonderful. Her presence made me question everything in my life that I thought made me happy. I suddenly began to see how fake and empty all my hobbies were. I started to feel the need to communicate with other people around me and I felt the loneliness within me. I really got truly depressed for the first time in my life at the fact that I couldn't have the happiness that seemed to be at my fingertips. Luckily, I snapped out of it after a couple of weeks and got back to a happier plain. I continued to communicate with her because I wanted to find out why I had such an intense attraction to her. This was a mistake because everything I learned about her made me realize how wonderful she really was. She took me as a friend and was very open with discussions on her life and marriage. My wife was very leary of our friendship and just plain didn't understand it. I felt so comfortable around her and felt that I could talk about anything with her. The scary thing is, if she would be willing to go farther than friendship, I would have little resistance to that notion. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what life would be like with her as my significant other. I take it a day at a time and hope for something to distract me from thinking about our problems. All I know is that time flies and life is so short. I keep thinking that as the kids grow up, we will have some fun again together but I just don't know... Link to post Share on other sites
Lonelyhun Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 I understand what each of you is saying, and no doubt each of you is right in your own way. I find my marriage wanting in all the ways I hoped it wouldn't, but when I asked myself after our second bout with marital counseling what caused me to marry, I realized that I had simply found no reasons not to, at length, given two and a half years of a steady relationship. But now, nearing my 36th birthday and wanting more than mere complacent peace, I find myself on the brink of separation. I fear that I may not get that "Holy Grail," but I fear even more not setting out on that quest. I believe it was Mark Twain who said, "Twenty years from now we'll regret more the things we didn't do than those we did." I'm a big fan of Twain and think this a valid concept. My own father told me once that sex and passion are like the oil in a car's engine; they may only weigh ounces to the hundreds of pounds of motor, without them, the motor grinds itself into scrapmetal. My mom died last July, just before what would have been my parents' 50th anniversary, but she left behind a partner who loved her passionatly every day of their life together. Anything less is settling, I now feel. My wife is a wonderful person, and I could and hope to be friends with her for life, but I want a partner who wants me and who can show me her desires and who can handle my display of mine. May peace treat all of you gently and my you all find the passion to start you out of fearful stagnation (if you so desire). Link to post Share on other sites
confused88 Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Well said, Mark Twain would be proud! I've had enough playing it safe and driving along the same road, with a wrench in my gut the whole time telling me there is so much more. My Wife is a wonderful person and I respect her so much! We are best friends, but there is NO passion. Even when we do get intimate it is very forced. Fears? You bet! I don't want to wake up every morning to cold cereal and a lonely apartment. I don't look forward to holidays without the family feel. I don't know if there is more out there, or this feeling that there is more will never be satisfied. I don't want to grow old alone. I'm going to counseling for the first time next week and hope to sort out some of these repressed "gut" searches for more meaning. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss_Prolixity Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Sometimes I wonder if the saying, "too much of a good thing" is true. Most of you claim that you're lacking passion and that "special" spark in your marriages, but other than that, your spouse is pretty terrific. It's almost like having an itch to explore other options, since human needs and wants are seldom satisfied. I will call it the "grass is greener" effect. I guess it doesn't make much sense to me. I mean, if your spouse was negletful, an abuser, emotionally distant, etc., I might reason the idea that you're un-happy and want to fulfill your wants elsewhere. But most are claiming to have wonderful wives. In fact, a few have mentioned in their posts that your spouse is your best friend. I personally have never endured a relationship where the passion and spark has lasted throughout the entire relationship. Actually, I prefer to get past that stage. There's something endearing in a relationship that brings maturity and contentment over time. Now, don't get me wrong, I do hunger occassionally for excitement and that "newness" (romance/passion) feeling of the relationship. But I have to be realistic and realize why I had those feelings in the first place. A lot of pyschologists have studied and found out when you meet someone new, you're in an euphoric state of mind. Your phermones are exceedingly elvated. It's just like a high. And usually these feelings can last anywhere from one to six months-- to a couple of years. Usually when the feelings of that high wear off, most people think they're falling out of love. Or the famous, "I love <insert persons name> but I am not in-love with him/her". Sure you can divorce or break-up with your significant other from a lack of passion, but in a few years, you'll be in the same boat and searching for that same high. To sum it up, IMO, most people in abusive relationships or un-healthy ones would love to trade places. So many people long to be with others who will treat them right (love, respect, trust and honor). I guarantee most people "subconsciously" would rather have a best friend for life, someone there through thick and thin, than a few months of heated passion. Link to post Share on other sites
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