Crazy over man with problems

[Deejette]

I am in love with a man who has so many problems,it's ridiculous. He has a violent and threatening soon-to-be divorced wife and two kids he wants custody over, and is financially in a mess (can't even pay his own phone bill and his service has been cut off). He has brain fog and usually shows up an hour or more late to every date we have. He has actually stood me up twice because he is in such a fog he didn't remember our date.

 

But when he does show up, he is affectionate, empathetic, brings practical and romantic gifts. I think he is very good-looking and his type appeals to me. My heart goes out to him and I feel so sorry for him, I forgive him.

 

I didn't even want a relationship with him at first, so the fact that he stood me up didn't matter that much. In fact, I really don't know what I would do with him if he were "in my life" to any large degree. I don't want to live with or marry anyone. I certainly don't want to deal with helping him raise his kids. I don't want to put up with his slowness or his inability to keep agreements about time. I just want this thing to blow over.

 

But instead, I have become more and more obsessed with him, miss him, and feel horrible when he doesn't call me. I picture us sharing a life and know that once the infatuation is over, I would probably be disgusted with him for his shortcomings.

 

Has anyone gone through something like this? It is not easy for me to say, "He's loser, kiss him goodbye." Yet I know the relationship is not workable (I am always on time, in fact, I am early everywhere I go. I am a clear thinker too and do not go around in a fog. I wish I had the strength to tell him to get lost. Instead I sit around wondering when we are going to get together next time.

[Tony T]

Enjoy his company when he shows up and don't worry about it if he doesn't. If you made it clear you don't want to live with anybody or marry anybody, then there should be no problem enjoying his company when it is good quality.

 

And since you aren't looking for anything permanent, you should be open to enjoying the company of others as well.

 

Somehow, I get the feeling you're getting sucked into this guy emotionally and you need to guard against that. Right now his life is simply too full of clutter you absolutely don't need. Be very truthful with him and let him know you want to enjoy his company but if the friendship is to grow and prosper, he's going to have to simplify his life and solve his problems.

 

You are probably a rebound for him and very comforting as he goes through his divorce. My guess also is that he will be looking to get married again and find a lady who will help him with the custody of his children. If you aren't in to that, make sure he knows he free to look for someone who wants that role.

[Nicky]

Enjoy his company when he shows up and don't worry about it if he doesn't. If you made it clear you don't want to live with anybody or marry anybody, then there should be no problem enjoying his company when it is good quality. And since you aren't looking for anything permanent, you should be open to enjoying the company of others as well. Somehow, I get the feeling you're getting sucked into this guy emotionally and you need to guard against that. Right now his life is simply too full of clutter you absolutely don't need. Be very truthful with him and let him know you want to enjoy his company but if the friendship is to grow and prosper, he's going to have to simplify his life and solve his problems. You are probably a rebound for him and very comforting as he goes through his divorce. My guess also is that he will be looking to get married again and find a lady who will help him with the custody of his children. If you aren't in to that, make sure he knows he free to look for someone who wants that role.

One person's experience of a situation, will never be the same as the next person's. I have just come out from a similar situation to yours, and here's how I feel about it.

 

My ex BF had numerous problems in his life. Life had basically (scuse my language) "beaten the crap out of him".

 

Despite being a strong character, he was unable to engage in our relationship emotionally, as he had so much going on. He would withdraw from me, when I needed him. It was like dating a shadow. I realized that all the patience and love in the world wouldn't change our situation, and that I deserved better. I don't regret the experience (better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all), but am glad it is over. I was very unhappy most of the time. He just couldn't be there for me.

 

It's extremely painful to want something so much, for it to seem so within reach, yet just not be able to get what you "need".

 

I realized that despite the fact I loved him deeply, I deserved better, and am trying to move on. But it's like ripping your heart out.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best- just go in with your eyes open-

 

will he be something you can never have?

[Queenie]

Hi Deejette,

 

I have some simple questions, are you sure he is getting divorced? And does he and his (ex)wife still live together? Has he asked her to leave and she is fighting him on it? or is she already gone?

 

I have a very close friend in a similar situation and the fellow told her he was "soon to be divorced" and he was also late for dates and yes he stood her up many times and do you want to know why? Because he was still living with his wife and we still do not know to this day weather or not he is married or divorced. Do some investigative homework - like - can you call him at his house? and does he answer or is it the message machine.

 

Remember there are three sides to every story,

 

1. his side

 

2. her side

 

3. THE TRUTH.

 

Good luck with this, I hope you enjoy his company and I hope it doesn't cost you too much money.....

I am in love with a man who has so many problems,it's ridiculous. He has a violent and threatening soon-to-be divorced wife and two kids he wants custody over, and is financially in a mess (can't even pay his own phone bill and his service has been cut off). He has brain fog and usually shows up an hour or more late to every date we have. He has actually stood me up twice because he is in such a fog he didn't remember our date. But when he does show up, he is affectionate, empathetic, brings practical and romantic gifts. I think he is very good-looking and his type appeals to me. My heart goes out to him and I feel so sorry for him, I forgive him. I didn't even want a relationship with him at first, so the fact that he stood me up didn't matter that much. In fact, I really don't know what I would do with him if he were "in my life" to any large degree. I don't want to live with or marry anyone. I certainly don't want to deal with helping him raise his kids. I don't want to put up with his slowness or his inability to keep agreements about time. I just want this thing to blow over. But instead, I have become more and more obsessed with him, miss him, and feel horrible when he doesn't call me. I picture us sharing a life and know that once the infatuation is over, I would probably be disgusted with him for his shortcomings. Has anyone gone through something like this? It is not easy for me to say, "He's loser, kiss him goodbye." Yet I know the relationship is not workable (I am always on time, in fact, I am early everywhere I go. I am a clear thinker too and do not go around in a fog. I wish I had the strength to tell him to get lost. Instead I sit around wondering when we are going to get together next time.