Can my wife love me again??

[tryingmyhardest]

I have been lurking for the past few days, since my wife told me we might need a divorce or separation.

It started the day before our anniversary when we got into an argument and I started yelling. I told her how in the last couple weeks she doesn’t touch me or say she loves me. It ended with her saying we may need to split, being my typical self, I slept in the guest bedroom as I had more often in the last couple months. The next day our anniversary, we talked and she told me how I am a great father and person, but she is not herself and has lost her confidence and wants to be the person she once was and told me she thinks somebody else could love her more. My wife has always been a needy person, and I haven’t been showing her affection, giving her compliments, and many times calling her names such as “worthless” or other derogatory names. I want to say I am generally a very nice person, but its almost like I have a switch and when I turn it on, I become a complete A-Hole. I believe it is all my fault as everything she said is true, and I think as a result of the names I have called her during arguments, it has lowered her self esteem. She said she needs to make herself better, before we can make us better. There is no physical abuse or infidelity issues which are known to me, between the two of us, since marriage. She said she has also been seeing a psychiatrist because she thought she needs drugs to make her better, but the psych didn’t think so. She said she didn’t want to tell me on our anniversary or before our sons birthday (two kids 2 and 4 years old) which was two days later, until she had a plan. I asked her if the plan was so she could leave and she stated it was a plan to make us work or to leave, but she wasn’t even sure yet, just unhappy with life and fells suffocated. I told her we at least need to try before giving up, maybe this was wrong, but at least go to marriage counseling. The last couple days I have been trying to be the man I used to be, by helping out with everything around the house, giving her distance, we had my sons birthday yesterday, and I gave it my all without smothering her in the least.

I think a big source of my anger is over money problems, overextended debt, and I work a couple different jobs and run my own business, so I am not home as much as I should be, and I project this out on her.

We talked yesterday after the sons party briefly as I explained to her how money problems are a contributing factor previously, and she has asked me about options like debt consolidation. I had left a marriage counslers name on a window up on the computer and she asked me If I wanted to see him and I told her yes and she said ok. I thought about it though, and I believe the request for the counsler has to come from her, as if she feels forced to go, it wont work.

We talk today, when I tell her I hadn’t called the marriage counsler, because I want it to be her decision, or it wont work. She says she wants to go, but doesn’t want to give me false hope, as she doesn’t know if we can be happy again. I explain to her how she is right about me being an *******, and I am responsible for her unhappiness. She says it is not all my fault. She says she has seen my trying the last few days, but feels things will get back to the way they were after a year. I listen to what she says and agree with it all, and tell her I want to make things work. I offer for her to go away for a week, and help herself, but she didn’t want to be away from the kids. She said she is trying self help books to make herself happier. I mention to her how she hasn’t worn her ring in the last several days, and to me that means she already is done with the marriage, she responds by saying she hasn’t been wearing it for weeks. This is just a prime example of how I have been neglecting her and not been paying attention.

Im sure I have left some out, but is this a workable situation, or am I setting myself up for defeat.

about our past, we have been married 8 years, and have been to marriage counseling after 2 years of marriage and counseling 4 years ago when she had postpardom depression. We dated for 4 years while in college and broke up three times for about 4 months each time and ultimitely found our way back together and got married, shortly after her college graduation.

[Soxfaninfl]

You both need to go to counceling together, and you boh need to stick with it even when things are good. Counceling will help keep the relationship good. You need to stop the name calling. That is verbal abuse. She has negative feeling towards you because you have put her down. I would also ask the councelor for some suggested readings. You need to create positive feelings.

[tryingmyhardest]

I agree with you. I will definitely ask about the books. Thanks for reading my very long post.

[jenifer1972]

You are really going to have to work to get her back. I see numerous red flags that she has really emotionally checked out on you

[Eddie Edirol]

I have to be honest with you, if you verbally abused her for the better part of 8 years, she checked out on this marriage long ago. I think that the only slim chance you have if to leave her in the house with the kids and live somewhere else for 6 months to a year. You cant be in her face, she will never miss you that way. Be real good to her, give her space, be romantic and then move out for a while. But this looks like she is trying not to tell you that she has no interest in saving this marriage.

 

I also suggest that for the next woman, you need learn to control your anger before you start dating other women. Your wife isnt at home waiting for you to vent your anger on her, shes there to be supportive and romanced.

[tryingmyhardest]

You guys may be right, I wasnt physically abusive throughout the whole 8 years. Yes we argued and I yelled, but the name calling probably began about two years ago. And it was only that bad every couple months. I am trying to be a better person

[goingstrong]

Women seldom leave marriages unless....

 

1. 3rd party involvement

2. Physical/emotional abuse

3. Drug/alcohol abuse by either party

4. Mental illness

 

Pick a flavor.

[robf1971]

You've treated her terribly. Forget about her treatment, you need to get therapy to learn how to cut out the abusive behaviour. There are ways of getting your point accross without calling nasty names.

 

You do have a chance at this, but you have to pull away, look up the 180's. You are brave enough to admit what you've done now work on changing yourself, actions speak louder than words. Let her see you change, don't say anything to her just do it.

[sirweasles]

My situation is similar however I have never been anything but nice to my wife I have suffered from depression for along time and didnt get help so it drug my wife down and now she wants to be happy again you might look into it deression has many forms and is very treatable it could be the reason why you blow your gasket. When one of you is unhappy both of you are unhappy what you need to do i prioritize.

 

It sounds to me like your wife is still in it ad you have a good chance but it will take time you have to beable to prove yourself that means it took 2 years to dig this hole it could very well take 2 years to fill it in. You have to change you start by being happier dont let work drag you down think possative and treat her like she is worth the world women like to feel good about them selves alot more than men do women are social and when they are upset or depressed they loose there way socially you have to be there for her when she needs you and let her do her thing when she doesnt. remember right now is going to be harder than it was to first win her over becouse she now know you ad your bad habbits and has found flaws she canno live with. You have to be the man she fell in love with and you have to be that man all the time fro here o out proof is what she needs getinto the habbits of being that man again and loose the habbits you have developed that is pushing her away.

[tryingmyhardest]

Thank you all for your feedback, it is greatly appreciated. It is so hard, I feel so lost, and I look back and feel I should have seen the signs, but I just wasnt paying attention, I was just living day to day. I believe I have fallen into a bout of mild depression over the last 6 months or longer, where I have told her often how I am just not happy, but have told her it is not her, just working to much, never enough money and I have felt lost at work.

 

I just dont really know how to go at this, I have read about homer mcdonald and the 180, but I dont know if it is at that point yet. If she ultimitaly asks for a divorce I will agree and be amicable. But some times I see a glimmer of hope, like yesterday night, while at work she sends a me text message "What are five things you would like to do this year." The things I tell her are pretty much about her like being a better husband, working less, fix money problems, travel more with her (she loves to travel and so do I with her) and the last one was make her fall in love with me all over again. I feel I may have been to strong and should have 180'd instead, but I was sincere and honest. Here five were travel, get a new job, spend more time with children, get exercise back in life, and find herself. These are great and I tell her that, but they dont include me, and she didnt respond back after I tell her, that hers were good. My whole point is I just dont know if I am going at this wrong. Part of me thinks I may have to let her go, so she could find herself and at some point down the road it may include me, but it also may not. She is a beautiful, smart woman, with a great job and she would be a great catch for anyone.

[Doing it Since '78]

I have been lurking for the past few days, since my wife told me we might need a divorce or separation.

It started the day before our anniversary when we got into an argument and I started yelling. I told her how in the last couple weeks she doesn’t touch me or say she loves me. It ended with her saying we may need to split, being my typical self, I slept in the guest bedroom as I had more often in the last couple months. The next day our anniversary, we talked and she told me how I am a great father and person, but she is not herself and has lost her confidence and wants to be the person she once was and told me she thinks somebody else could love her more. My wife has always been a needy person, and I haven’t been showing her affection, giving her compliments, and many times calling her names such as “worthless” or other derogatory names. I want to say I am generally a very nice person, but its almost like I have a switch and when I turn it on, I become a complete A-Hole. I believe it is all my fault as everything she said is true, and I think as a result of the names I have called her during arguments, it has lowered her self esteem. She said she needs to make herself better, before we can make us better. There is no physical abuse or infidelity issues which are known to me, between the two of us, since marriage. She said she has also been seeing a psychiatrist because she thought she needs drugs to make her better, but the psych didn’t think so. She said she didn’t want to tell me on our anniversary or before our sons birthday (two kids 2 and 4 years old) which was two days later, until she had a plan. I asked her if the plan was so she could leave and she stated it was a plan to make us work or to leave, but she wasn’t even sure yet, just unhappy with life and fells suffocated. I told her we at least need to try before giving up, maybe this was wrong, but at least go to marriage counseling. The last couple days I have been trying to be the man I used to be, by helping out with everything around the house, giving her distance, we had my sons birthday yesterday, and I gave it my all without smothering her in the least.

I think a big source of my anger is over money problems, overextended debt, and I work a couple different jobs and run my own business, so I am not home as much as I should be, and I project this out on her.

We talked yesterday after the sons party briefly as I explained to her how money problems are a contributing factor previously, and she has asked me about options like debt consolidation. I had left a marriage counslers name on a window up on the computer and she asked me If I wanted to see him and I told her yes and she said ok. I thought about it though, and I believe the request for the counsler has to come from her, as if she feels forced to go, it wont work.

We talk today, when I tell her I hadn’t called the marriage counsler, because I want it to be her decision, or it wont work. She says she wants to go, but doesn’t want to give me false hope, as she doesn’t know if we can be happy again. I explain to her how she is right about me being an *******, and I am responsible for her unhappiness. She says it is not all my fault. She says she has seen my trying the last few days, but feels things will get back to the way they were after a year. I listen to what she says and agree with it all, and tell her I want to make things work. I offer for her to go away for a week, and help herself, but she didn’t want to be away from the kids. She said she is trying self help books to make herself happier. I mention to her how she hasn’t worn her ring in the last several days, and to me that means she already is done with the marriage, she responds by saying she hasn’t been wearing it for weeks. This is just a prime example of how I have been neglecting her and not been paying attention.

Im sure I have left some out, but is this a workable situation, or am I setting myself up for defeat.

about our past, we have been married 8 years, and have been to marriage counseling after 2 years of marriage and counseling 4 years ago when she had postpardom depression. We dated for 4 years while in college and broke up three times for about 4 months each time and ultimitely found our way back together and got married, shortly after her college graduation.

 

 

Sorry Bro,

 

But I smell an OM-Your wife is cheating or is on the verge of it

And for the record she is the only one responisble for her happiness (or the lack thereof)

[tryingmyhardest]

I have thought this myself. Backwards about two weeks ago she went out for a work christmas party, which was for workers only. I received a call from her cell phone, from a restaurant, which told me they found her phone. She came home a couple hours later, but I was suspicious and looked at her phone the next morning and saw several deleted text messages from a male coworker, who she has talked about in the past and even follows on twitter, he is also married. I confronted her about the deleted text messages and she said she did not remember. She called him later and told me it was joke when she was going to flirt with a guy at the bar, which is what she did not want to tell me. She maintains he is just a friend, and I examined her call records for the past few months and she has only called him like once a month. She denies having an affair or cheating and all her call records are to only girlfriends and relatives. I cant examine all her past texts, but I believe her about 90%. I have searched her purse, car, belongings for evidence of an affair with nothing. I think it's easier to for me to blame an affair than point to the problems I created or neglected.

 

You know what is weird is about 5 weeks prior we were having sex like 5x a week and then it started her busy time of year, which she works like 80+ hours a week for two weeks, when we rarely see each other and then it was different after she worked the long days, She didnt want to have sex as much maybe 1x week, and she was more distant.

Edited January 4, 2011 by tryingmyhardest

[What_Next]

Whether there is an affair or not doesn't much matter at this point. Now, if I were in your shoes I'd be digging for evidence of one on my own and NOT getting caught. Now set that aside.

 

Whether you chose the 180 or any other behavior modification just do it for YOU. Learn to control yourself and radically change for good. It will take a long while for your wife to believe that this "new you" is real.

 

To mean it sounds like she has checked out and most definitely there could be an affair on the horizon.

 

IC is a MUST, MC, well go that route if you want, I have been down the MC road and I think it is a total farce.

[tryingmyhardest]

What is IC

[Chi townD]

Not sure if there's an affair here or not. Regardless, I would install a keylogger on your computer and monitor cell phone usage and maybe a voice activated recorder somewhere in her car. If anything, she's starting an emotional attachment with someone.

[sirweasles]

I do not believe there is an affair but I dont know your wife Like i said earlier this is very similar to my situation First you need to give er space let her know you love her and dont push her be nice be sombody she would want to be around make her laugh often dont push relation sip talk wait for her to start those coversations she will when she is ready dont I repeat dont ignor her or try to treat her the way she is treating you if she feels that you have turned off she may walk away she eeds to know you love her any chance you get hang out with her and have fun make it about having a good time dont bring up your relationship just have fun and make sure she is having fun too if you dont pressure her she will think better of you. remember you are trying to win her heart not trying to push her away what you want now doesnt matter what you really truely want will take time and alot of patients and alot of bitting your tongue and alot of faking. remember to always be sombody she wants to hang out with at all times

[Soxfaninfl]

Not sure if there's an affair here or not. Regardless, I would install a keylogger on your computer and monitor cell phone usage and maybe a voice activated recorder somewhere in her car. If anything, she's starting an emotional attachment with someone.

 

You don't want to do that. You could go to jail for that. Check out this article. If you do it, do not tell anyone. http://thenewsportalonline.com/leon-walker-man-charged-with-hacking-his-wifes-email-bites-back/117614/

[tryingmyhardest]

Well its been a couple days. two days ago the wife was very nice when she got home from work, and we talked alot (not about the relationship), and played with kids. Yesterday she talked, but not as much. I had looked at cell phone records, because some part of me believes there has to be somebody else. There were no regular calls to anybody, bit the only thing odd is that she used to text like 1,000 text messages a month, but last month was 5,000 and this month is 6,400 with a few days left. I sat down with her last night and told her if there is somebody else and she is willing to end, we can work past it. I also told her if she would like to see this person, then I would help her get a place and move out, because her happiness is more important to me. She denied seeing anybody and stated she didnt want to move out and be away from the kids, I had even confronted her with the text message thing, in search of the truth, and she stated she has been texting one of her girlfriends more. I know this girlfriend wont ever answer calls and their relationship has always been text based or in-person, but thats such a large increase. We ended up talking about us, which I intitated and probably shouldnt have done, and I told her how I want to date her and take her to lunch and she said again she just doesnt want to be back in the same place in 6 months from now. I asked her if we were sepearted and still living together and she said no, I asked her if we are supposed to see other people and she said no. I am going to see a psychologist about my anger problems today. I am going to end the relationship talk unless we are at the marriage counsler, as I dont want to push her away, it's just so hard not to.

[robf1971]

but last month was 5,000 and this month is 6,400 with a few days left. .

 

5000 texts!!!! I don't think I've sent that many since texting was invented in 1999. She is seeing someone else...

[robf1971]

and she stated she has been texting one of her girlfriends more.

 

Cheaters always lie

[Duckduckgoose]

206 texts per day? WTF?

 

Sounds like she texts in her sleep too:mad:

[sirweasles]

My wifes phone usage and texting increased as well you got to understand that she is used to shareing everything with you and right now she doesnt feel comfortable doing that she is reaching out and finding support elswhere while she is trying to move through this you need to show her trust even if you dont feel it dont let her know anything about your snooping around if she feels you are digging around she will feel that you dont trust her and she will back off more you need to show total trust and love nobody likes to be called a liar and a cheater it hurts feeling and drives wedges. If she is having an affair it will come out learn patiants its the hardest thing to do right now I know im in the same place but patients is going to be your best friend no matter how this whole thing ends. Spend time working on you understand if this ends badly you need to have your self prepared you need to have buddies that will be there to help you. get a hobbie that will help take your mind off of things it will help with your patients and will help with all your feelings.

[norm28]

206 texts per day? WTF?

 

Sounds like she texts in her sleep too:mad:

 

When my wife and I went to Verizon to separate our phones, 6 days had passed since I found out. There were overages because in 6 days they exchanged 800 texts!! Keep in mind, they work practically side by side 8 hours a day, and also chatted on Facebook and STILL had 800 texts. When people throw themselves into affairs....they REALLY throw themselves in. Especially when they are afraid of being alone and the OM is the only option they have left.

[Eddie Edirol]

1.) Your wife works 80 hours a week, unless she is running a store by herself, I dunno. Alot of those hours will be with someone else.

 

2.) No matter what you ask her, she will tell you what you want to hear to avoid a confrontation and keep things the way she needs them to keep this going. She also knows that she will have problems getting alimony if she admits an affair.

 

3.) think about the questions youre asking her, and think about how she thinks you will react if she gave you the opposite answers.

"is there somebody else? yes"

"are we separated but still living together? yes"

"are we supposed to see other people? yes"

 

Right now if she is cheating , she is having her cake and eating it too, and you are getting the shaft.

 

Like I said, your best bet is to move out, or make her move. You have to shake things up, she has to miss you if she actually wants to work on it. If she doesnt want to work on it, it doesnt matter what you do, so you might as well kick her out anyway.

 

BTW if you usually have to jump through hoops to find out if she is cheating, then she most likely is. Act like you dont need her.

[TyrionLannister]

Trying your story is eerily similar to mine except that I have never said anything derogatory to my wife. My problem is that I did not say enough nice things to her. God I am an idiot!