robf1971 Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 Ok, maybe I screwed up the no contact. Me and the wife drank some wine and ended up making out for a while, after we talked for a while. Before the session I told her I am still going forward with the divorce. When we were done, she said she didnt know if it was good or bad, but she wanted it, I think I felt the same way. How bad did I mess up. The way to deal with this. Ignore her calls, texts emails etc, she will also come round. Expect her to try everything, even making it about the kids, anything to talk to you. Here is how you need to be. You're life has suddenly got busier, you are always on the way out. She rings you for some silly reason? "Wife, I'd love to chat but I'm on my way out, bye". Happy and upbeat, having fun.. even if you have to act. I did it, and eventually you won't have to act anymore. You make changes for yourself, go out in mixed groups, new hobbies, heck just go out on your own. Whatever happens if you want your wife back do not cheat on her, you need to take the moral high road on this. However, you can be vague, get her thinking about what your doing for a change, be unpredictable. Any way she will also test you with bad behaviour. Expect her to get bitchy and nasty on a dime, trying to suck you into an argument. You deal with it in a calm and firm manner. eg "wife, until you can talk to me in a calm and civil manner this conversation is over" then phone down. Trust me this will at least make her respect you again. It works wonders... Link to post Share on other sites
prioritysearcher Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 Hi Tryingmyhardest, I read your entire thread because you sound like my husband of ten years, who was neglecting me emotionally and complaining about how I was not fullifilling his needs (he was also very controlling regarding money issues). I was tempted in a similar way like your wife, my coworker valued all my opinions and had a total respect for my work and for who I was as a person. We went to lunch together and it was so much different, it was not just physical or emotional attraction (he listened to all my problems) but also intellectual. It was extreemly difficult for me to refuse the affair when he proposed it because of this triple attraction and flirting but I did refused it because he is a father of 2 children and I am the mom of one so I did not want to destroy 2 marriages at once. So you may think this is the end of the story, I refused it and we are a happy family...no it was only the beginning of more problems, I somehow frozed myself emotionally and I guess I projected my disappoitment stronger on my husband according to the attitude "I refused for you this powerful attraction so you owe me your love" which started to be quite dectructive as well. The blaiming and unhappiness started to really eat us both up and we were not being able to have one conversation without blame or bad feelings. 3 weeks ago my husband asked for divorce, he was so unhappy that he did not want to continue anymore. Then, I read some threats in this forum, and I realized that I have to reorganize my priorities, I was so concentrated on myself, feeling rightous for denying myself an affair made me feel that I have even more right for him tp stop being so neglectul but here there was still nothing coming from my husband side, he was somehow waiting for me to make all the steps. So I analysed what we need to give it a chance and here is what I came up with: 1) Attraction, this is a very powerful force that is born if there is no nagging and none of the parties are trying to stay at all costs, all 3 are attractions are needed: physical (so need to dress well, do sports, use fantastic new cologne even if you don't feel like) emotional (try to show understanding to her confusion and fears without becoming a doormat), intellectuall (try to show interests in her opinions, discover who she really is and why do you value her input) 2) Respect - your wife like me is afraid that if she is back emotionally in the relationship, respect will be out of the window in 6 months, now it will be even more difficult because if the next crisis comes you will may remind her of her affair, so if you are to stay together the respect cannot ever leave this relationship 3) Finding the ways to manage stress, and not letting out the stress on family memebers - we are guilty of this that the moment we have pressure regarding financial issues or job related stress we rather are letting it out within safe environment of home then to yell at our boss. 4) Take responsibility for building up your self-esteem and your own happiness and try to help your partner to become the best version of oneself Last weekend, I started to implement all these 4 points in our relationship with the rule that none of us will blame the other and that we will try to implement these priorities...the result was that we had a really good weekend and for the first time since 2 years my husband said several times "I love you" so I am not out of divorce zone but I guess it is a start... So in my opinion, you did not mess up, you just made a start of giving in into the attraction which still exists between you two but in order to come back together, the other 3 points have to be taken very seriously and your wife has to finish her affair because it is disrespectful to you but I guess you have nothing to loose, you will have to still go through some pain one way or the other - the healing pain of the relationship when you have to forgive each other but also create the new self (which will have tendency to go back to the old self) or it will be a pain of splitting where the kids will be hurt and it will be more permanent pain... but what I see from the posts, there is a chance that both you and your wife may be ready to change and become the best friends to each other? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tryingmyhardest Posted January 31, 2011 Author Share Posted January 31, 2011 Rob, thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. Priority, thanks for the long response and taking your time out to respond, It is greatly apprecitated. I do know that this marriage cannot continue unless she wants it to, and at this time she does not know what she wants to do, which bothers me. I really believe when I first confronted her and she chose to move out rather than cutting it off with him, should have been the final straw for me. Sometimes I dont know what I am trying to hang on to. I believe this is the only woman I have ever loved, I have dated several woman and I have never felt the same way about any other, sometimes, I think I like the challenge she gives to me, rather then other women who would do anything for me. I know this sounds flawed, and I dont know why I am this way. I had great parents who always gave me attention and love. Anyways, enough ranting, I am going NC the best I can, while still having to communicate about the kids. It's hard that she still has to stay the night at the house some time, because of my work schedule, but it is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tryingmyhardest Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 Ok. There is some good and bad here and I am deeply confused. Wife came home yesterday, wanting to make out with me again and i was being distant, she kept telling me all she wants is me and tells me she broke it off with the OM, which I have confirmed. This felt good, but here comes the bad. She did a confessional and told me she cheated on me after the 1st year of marriage, and didnt do it again till again till three months ago (7 years later) with the same man. She also admitted to another cheating event two months ago, when she was drunk. I am deeply troubled by all this, but she says this is why she is seeing IC, to examine her problem and change, she has showed me books she has on why cheaters cheat. Before all I wanted was my wife back, but now that I know everything, how can I trust her again. part of me feels this is good she at least told me things she didnt have to. I guess the the main question, is Can a cheater change, especially the one described above, and can I get past all this. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Anything is possible. It can't completely be ruled out on whether a leopard can change its spots, can it? Kudos to her for fessing up, realizing she is emotionally bankrupt and getting a few books and IC. Is it enough? Do you want to stick around to find out? I don't think there can be trust again after what she's done and without trust, what's the point? Link to post Share on other sites
leesandra14 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 maybe your wife needs more of your attention, attention from a man or husband is very important for a woman. women feel more:) loved if you always look after her, try to be more close to her. asked her everyday how she feels, what does she want, and comfort her more often. Your wife will feel loved and she will loved you back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tryingmyhardest Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 maybe your wife needs more of your attention, attention from a man or husband is very important for a woman. women feel more:) loved if you always look after her, try to be more close to her. asked her everyday how she feels, what does she want, and comfort her more often. Your wife will feel loved and she will loved you back. Lessandra, this is exactly what she says she needs. I just worry, It is very hard as we have two young children who get alot of my attention and I also worry, what happens if I get too focused on work and stop giving her what she needs for a short while, will she revert back. I believe she is taking positive steps to correct herself, and I love her very much. Link to post Share on other sites
prioritysearcher Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 hi, I think a very positive thing happened that she trusted you enough to tell you about everything that happened, she did not need to do that but she really wanted to show you that she will change. As I said in my previous post there will be some pain one way or the other. The problem in such situation is that emotions sometimes get too much in the way. You have to re-examine the ways you relate to her. This is not about attention only...Do you control her because you think she is incapable of something for example watching her spending and then you think you are really protecting her but she feels like you don't consider her capable? Women think differently in a sense that everything you do for the family, household is being counted to your benefit (that is why they said that men who do housework have happier sex life). You should not worry that you will not give her not enough time...it cannot be like you shower her with attention now and then abandon her again, you two need to develop completely new dynamics where you take into consideration your weaknesses and your needs. Make once a week date time when the children would stay with baby-sitter or relative and you will go for a date and do things which you did when you just met whatever you enjoy...you need to find out how your wife changed inside in this time when you had time to talk only about family responsibilities... She has some new dreams which she is not sure how to realize that is why she escaped in this fantasy world, identify them and help her to realize and fullfil them... Best of luck, Priority Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Anything is possible. It can't completely be ruled out on whether a leopard can change its spots, can it? Kudos to her for fessing up, realizing she is emotionally bankrupt and getting a few books and IC. Is it enough? Do you want to stick around to find out? I don't think there can be trust again after what she's done and without trust, what's the point? It's up to you whether you can trust her, but despite my previous hardline advice. I take my hat of to her for admitting all this to you. Proceed but with caution!! Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I guess the the main question, is Can a cheater change, especially the one described above, and can I get past all this. This is what you need to say to your wife "Wife, I need a few days space to think about all of this" Do not go all melty man on her and welcome her back with open arms. You need to see if she is prepared to fight to get back with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tryingmyhardest Posted February 24, 2011 Author Share Posted February 24, 2011 I wanted to post an update on my sitaution. My wife has been forthcoming about all information, complete transparency with all her email accounts, deactivated her facebook and twitter, and I see she is trying to do the right things. We went to retrouvaille two weeks ago and it was a great experience, and I think is helping us move in the right direction. I do still have trust issues with her, and I think I can work through these in time. One major issue is she still works with the OM. She has said she wants to quit, but by her quitting will definitely send us into foreclosure on our house and bankruptcy, which would really hurt us long term. She is actively pursuing other jobs. She tells me all contact OM tries to initiate with her at work, which does hurt, but at the same time I appreciate all honesty. I do believe things are going good towards the reconcilaition, the divorce was continued generally, and she has talked about renewing our vows. At this point, I guess you can call this a success story so far, but I am treading with baby steps, and trying not to be too hopeful, as I dont want to be hurt again. We are both seeing IC and will start MC, once our retrouvaille post sessions are over. I want to thank all who replied to my posts as it was greatly appreciated, and I will update here from time to time. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 I wish you the best of luck. Trust issues are understandable considering what she has done. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 maybe your wife needs more of your attention, attention from a man or husband is very important for a woman. women feel more:) loved if you always look after her, try to be more close to her. asked her everyday how she feels, what does she want, and comfort her more often. Your wife will feel loved and she will loved you back. Yea with a wife who cheated multiple times. Sure everyone can feel loved. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 You need to divorce man. She cheated on you more than once. How much more of this can you really take as a man? Think hard about that. She'll just do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tryingmyhardest Posted March 18, 2011 Author Share Posted March 18, 2011 Well I guess some of you are right, a tiger cannot change it's stripes. I received a call a couple weeks ago from the OM's wife, who told me wife and OM were still texting. I confronted wife and told her off. I am done and the weird thing is, I accept it now. I know she is piece of crap and is the not person I need in my life any longer. I actually feel fine and I know one day I can tell my children when they get older that I tried to save the marriage, but their mother did not. I still get a little uneasy at times, but overall I am actually happy and am moving forward with life. I know some of you say not to date so soon, but I am going to. I realize now that she and I are done and there is no resolution. Now if my house would sell it would be better. Thanks again to all those who listened, responding and helping me through these times. The only battle with her I will have left is custody, since I am the one, who is home for my kids every night, makes dinner, bathes them, and takes them to the doctor. I look back and I see alot of my anger towards my wife, was that she didnt carry her weight around the house and she was always only thinking about her. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 This is not uncommon at all, for contact to resume, especially in circumstances where there were limited consequences for the WS's actions. You really did try your best, in fact you did more than most. Hold your head high. Get on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
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