Author tryingmyhardest Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 Part of me feels like exposing the OM to his wife, and that will speed up their process, and the OM will either leave his wife and go to my wife, or they will work it out. I feel like I was saving exposing the OM's wife as a trump card to play later.
sirweasles Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 you need to expose now and forget about trump cards this is your life you need it to be about you I love my wife with every fiber of my being but life is about living and about taking care of our kids you cant make her be a better person to me what your wife is doing is atomatic good bye im not you though but the OM's wife deservse to know now she has to deal with this too and its only fair i would suggest you contact her and both of you meet up with your spouces at the same time in the same place imagine what this will do if there is any chance of you and your wife making it this will be where you find out will it humiliate her hell ya does she deserve it hell ya if she is worth saving she will finally wake up if not you will know then just my advice to me it was over the second she said she was confused and didnt know whichone to chose
Author tryingmyhardest Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Well I told the OM's wife this morning about the affair. I felt really bad for her, but alse feel she deserved to know. I figure this is the easier way so my wife and him can be together and I can get the feelings out of my head, that we will be together again, since she is so wishy washy saying that she doesnt know what she wants.
Binster Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I think you have done the right thing telling the other guys wife for both her and yourself, I'm guesing there is a very good chance he will dump your wife and stay where he is which is what your wife has suspected all along. If his wife doesn't tell work what's going on, you could always threaten to do so if she gets funny during the divorce. Good luck.
Author tryingmyhardest Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 I think you have done the right thing telling the other guys wife for both her and yourself, I'm guesing there is a very good chance he will dump your wife and stay where he is which is what your wife has suspected all along. If his wife doesn't tell work what's going on, you could always threaten to do so if she gets funny during the divorce. Good luck. Well It looks like I did more harm than good. The other mans wife told their work, as I guess she was instrumental in getting him the job there, and now they both might get fired. This was not my intention as I even told the other women not to tell their work, but I guess she just wanted to get back at them. I only felt she should know and I wanted the other man to leave his wife for mine, or work it out. Was I wrong, I felt like i was doing the right thing?
robf1971 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Well It looks like I did more harm than good. The other mans wife told their work, as I guess she was instrumental in getting him the job there, and now they both might get fired. This was not my intention as I even told the other women not to tell their work, but I guess she just wanted to get back at them. I only felt she should know and I wanted the other man to leave his wife for mine, or work it out. Was I wrong, I felt like i was doing the right thing? Consequences!! These are the inevitable cost of bad behaviour. Why is it we give our children consequences but not the adults we love too. You did the right thing morally and when the dust settles your wife will respect you, and will think 3 times before pulling that sh*t on you again. Congratulations
Binster Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 You did 100% the right thing. This guys wife deserved to know the truth about what was going on just as you did, any consequences are down to them not you. Also it takes this mans mind of your wife and marriage and makes him think about his own. Your wife obviouslly thought he might not leave his wife for her and she was probably right after all blokes have a lot to loose in a break up, now instead of playing star crossed teenagers it's their turn to start dealing with reality. You did 100% the right thing.
seibert253 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Well It looks like I did more harm than good. The other mans wife told their work, as I guess she was instrumental in getting him the job there, and now they both might get fired. This was not my intention as I even told the other women not to tell their work, but I guess she just wanted to get back at them. I only felt she should know and I wanted the other man to leave his wife for mine, or work it out. Was I wrong, I felt like i was doing the right thing? You were 100% right in doing what you did. Actions have consequences. Your WW and the OM shoulda thought about that before doing what they did. If they get canned, it IS NOT your fault. IT IS THEIRS. When your WW confronts you, and tries to blame you for this, remind her is was HER who had the A, not you, and her actions have consequences. She had an A, she continues with her "confusion", this has a consequence: Divorce. She had an A, with a workmate, against company policy. This has a consequence: Termination from employment. There is no gray area here. Continue your march forward. She may change her thinking soon, but continue to plan she doesn't.
Author tryingmyhardest Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Well I talked to my IC alot yesterday and she helped me realize that I really dont want a divorce, at least at this point. It may sound crazy to all of you, but I still love my wife and believe there is a chance. If you may remember she asked if I would consider a seperation on the day I filed for divorce. I am now going to ask her if she still wants a divorce and if not, then If she would want to do a seperation. I am going to tell her I may see other women too, just so it is clear. We always you used to talk about the that Robin Williams movie, "What dreams my come." and how I would go through hell to find her, and I feel like I am going through hell to find her now, but I just cant give up looking for her. I am very hurt, but am not ready to give up just yet, and I really dont think she is, unless telling the OM's wife changed everything. I am not going to talk about the relationship any longer after this and may even tell her that, it is up to her to talk about it.
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I am going to tell her I may see other women too, . If you want to save your marriage you will not do this
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I am now going to ask her if she still wants a divorce and if not, then If she would want to do a seperation. No, STFU, let her come to you to do all the talking. No matter how badly you want to initiate a relationship talk don't do it. Take your cell to pieces, go for a run, a drive whatever just leave it.
Author tryingmyhardest Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Thanks for your advice Rob. I have been reading another thread, as it seems I'll do at work is read LS, and I found a quote and I am going to live by it, and if she comes to me, then I will take it very slow and go from there, but here it is. "Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option." I think I will frame it and put it on my nightstand, and hope that she sees it to know I am moving on, but that may not be the right move.
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 "Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option." I think I will frame it and put it on my nightstand, and hope that she sees it to know I am moving on, but that may not be the right move. Nope, your actions will say that, you don't need words.
Author tryingmyhardest Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Well me and the stbx have had several talks, she said she thinks about being with me every day, but she still has not left the other man and continues to see him. She seems very lost and does not know what she wants and says she has ordered books about infidelity and why she did what she did. She is one of those people that always thinks the grass is greener on the other side. I wrote her a long email explaining to her how I think she should be with the other man, as If she was with me she would always be thinking what life would be like with him, no matter how much I made myself a better person, she is like that woman from the bridges of madison county. I explained my love for her, but also how I understand now that she does not feel the same way. She said she agrees with me about the email, and that she even read it twice. She says everything is just going so fast (filed for divorce, house for sale), and I explained to her if another man wasnt involved, I would give her time, but she still continues to see him, and it is no longer healthy for me to give her time and I must move forward with the divorce. This is very hard for me as I still very much love her, but I loose respect for her every day. On another note the other mans wife kicked him out of the house, and she told their work and they may both get fired, but that is still pending. And I didnt initiate the relationship talk over the weekend, she did. I guess I am just looking for some people that have been through this to give me a little advice or input, I need it so bad.
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 My only feedback would be to consider very carefully before agreeing to any separation which involves 'seeing other people' as a methodology of recovery. I saw it mentioned and felt it worth commenting on. I didnt initiate the relationship talk over the weekend, she did. Good. 'I felt really positive about the relationship talk we had last weekend. Will you join me in MC to continue the conversation?' Accept the answer. Her willingness to join you to prioritize the marital recovery is pivotal. Pave that path with positive support *as well as* clear boundaries as to what is acceptable behavior. This is best handled within MC, IMO. A professional who is skilled in marital recovery from infidelity can pace and guide the interaction in a positive way which is difficult for the two of you to do alone. Throw the offer out there, without prejudice, then leave it alone. Continue on your path.
Author tryingmyhardest Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 I asked her about the MC last week. and she told me she is seriously considering it. I am tired of of all the fence sitting, I am starting to go no contact, which is hard as we still have communication for the kids and the house if for sale. I started yesterday and she is already asking me why I am acting the way I am. I see it is seriously bothering her. We usually end up talking about the relationship on the weekend when the kids are sleeping, and she asked to talk to me today, when the kids were napping, but I told her I am going out and left if vague. Am I doing the right thing, I really believe she is still flundering, and I feel by going NC, then I will at least be in a better place if things dont work out.
hopesndreams Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Yes, go NC as much as you can. It is the only way for you to get to a better place. If she did get back with you, it would only be because you're the back-up plan. Not acceptable!!!! She has chose OM but still leads you to believe you might stand a chance with her as if she's some huge prize! One day you will see that she did you a HUGE favor by choosing him over you. Those 2 cheaters deserve to be together.
Binster Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Sorry things are still a bit iffy for you, iv'e been following a thread by russell1968 try reading that, some of the advice given there is very good and may be helpfull to you. Good luck.
robf1971 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I started yesterday and she is already asking me why I am acting the way I am. . She is testing you, by that I mean your resolve. When you go no contact expect her to be doing this all the time. A woman wants a strong man (not a jerk) who can stand up and protect her and the family. If you let her walk all over you and invade your time etc you are being a doormat. A very common thing is for them to say something like "why are you acting like this, who have you been talking to?" You need to be strong. She calls you up.. " Wife I'd love to talk but I'm on my way out" always be on the way somewhere, busy but polite and upbeat.
Binster Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Just wonderd what happened to the other guy after his wife toasted him is he still on the scene and do they still work together.
Author tryingmyhardest Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) She is testing you, by that I mean your resolve. When you go no contact expect her to be doing this all the time. A woman wants a strong man (not a jerk) who can stand up and protect her and the family. If you let her walk all over you and invade your time etc you are being a doormat. What to you mean by this, I want to this NC thing right. Even if it is for only me? Just wonderd what happened to the other guy after his wife toasted him is he still on the scene and do they still work together. When she confronted him, he admitted to it all, he has been kicked out of his house and is living with another male coworker. Their work has called them on the carpet, as the OM's wife is calling up there and making threats. The place of employment told them this is not over and the work is seeking legal counsel. I think she still talks to the OM alot, but she has also slowed their relationship down, from what I have gathered from others. Edited January 30, 2011 by tryingmyhardest
Eye of Hourus Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I agree with the other posters on maintaining NC with your WW. Regarding MC, most counsellors agree that MC won't work if she is still in contact with OM. I would approach the sitch with insisting your WW ending all contact with OM before entering at MC. The Eye
Author tryingmyhardest Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Ok, maybe I screwed up the no contact. Me and the wife drank some wine and ended up making out for a while, after we talked for a while. Before the session I told her I am still going forward with the divorce. When we were done, she said she didnt know if it was good or bad, but she wanted it, I think I felt the same way. How bad did I mess up.
robf1971 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Ok, maybe I screwed up the no contact. Me and the wife drank some wine and ended up making out for a while, after we talked for a while. Before the session I told her I am still going forward with the divorce. When we were done, she said she didnt know if it was good or bad, but she wanted it, I think I felt the same way. How bad did I mess up. You're a red blooded male, I'd have done the same... She tagged you man, good n proper
robf1971 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 What to you mean by this, I want to this NC thing right. Even if it is for only me?. Of course, this is totally the right thing to do NC. However she will be testing you. What happened last night is a class A example, You told your wife, "no contact", she thought " I bet he's still there for me", so she came round and you were like putty in her hands. She knows she still has you where she wants you, but also on a subconcious level, she realises that you didn't stick to your guns, and stand up for your self, so how could you possibly protect her. Man she is going to be testing you left right and centre. Everything from calling you, to seducing you. You ned to be able to handle this.
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