11 Years Gone - Update

[D78]

Dear LS Folks,

 

Some of you may have read my other post where I explained that I was dumped after 11 years, with no warning or reasons given. When I first posted, I felt like I would never get over it. I didn't have much hope, only pain.

 

One of the things I've read here that has stuck with me (from HomeBrew's posts IIRC) is that if you really love someone, you want them to be happy. If they want you to let them go, you do it. I didn't want to believe this, as I was fully prepared to be an angry and resentful person for the foreseeable future. I did not want to let it go. I had no intention of being that magnanimous.

 

I knew the minute I got the "some space" line that in reality, the relationship was over and I would never take him back. However, I couldn't figure out how to let go of the relationship. We were together so long that the relationship was part of my identity (for example, I still say "our house" instead of "my house,"). I finally just told myself, "he's never coming back, you will never be a part of his life." I let myself cry over this for days. Eventually, it sank in. I let go of the relationship.

 

Yesterday, a mutual friend told me that (almost 2 months after breaking up with me) he finally changed his FB status to 'no longer in a relationship'. I thought this would really get me, but my first thought was good, he is going on with his life. I was actually more happy than sad.

 

Maybe it's true? You can really love someone and let them go? And, live a happy life after letting go?

 

My only other love cheated on me, so it was clear why that relationship ended. The "I just need some space" breakup was completely new to me (although I now see it happens ALL THE TIME) and I wasn't sure how to get over the pain without the explanation I thought I deserved. Maybe someday I will look at my relationship as almost 11 good years, with an unfortunate ending.

 

Sorry for the rambling. I just wanted to share these thoughts and see if anyone thinks I'm losing my mind or maybe recovering...? I know I'm not over it, but I think I might be taking baby steps in the right direction.

[Akumark]

You seam to be going on the right way trust me, sometimes life teach some prety strange lesson, I was pretty sad when my GF from 11 years called a break and but I was ok with it, we grew to be much different in all those years.

[homebrew]

Great Job D78!!!!!!

 

You are doing the right thing... As you already know, bitterness and resentment will only hurt YOU. Your EX will never know, see it or feel it. So the best thing we can do is forgive them and wish them well.

 

Again... Great Job! I am very proud of you!

[GreenPolicy]

Hey D78, who did you see at the Kessler last wkend?

[D78]

RTB2, Slobberbone, and Centro-matic. Although I didn't stay for most of Centro-matic, because I didn't want to be there at midnight for obvious reasons.

 

It was a great show.

[Graceful]

Good evening, D78,

 

I have to brave the cold soon, but I wanted to say hi and give you my props on your update.

 

I'm a real visual girl, I see pictures instead of words in my head. I envision via pictures, and I think in terms of visual images. I have right-brain tendencies, can you tell!?

 

I read many articles at the height of my breakup pain, and in many of them, the theme was LET GO.

 

Let go, already, will ya let go!! I couldn't even imagine what this meant!

 

So I got into the visuals such as the idea that all my negative feelings were in a sack on my back, and I was carrying them around. All of my anger, frustration, pain, the feelings of revenge I wanted, the rage from the betrayal, all of them, in the sack on my back. And it was HEAVY.

 

What the conventional wisdom tells you to do is start envisioning taking those feelings, dealing with them, and then unloading them, little by little. You can't really ditch the entire sack, b/c you can't deal with it all at once, and that's ok.

(Note: that's the desire we all have to speed up the healing process --- but we know we can't do that without dealing with those negative emotions first)

 

Ok, so little by little, you envision that burden, that weight, getting lighter, and it starts to feel pretty good. In fact, you can stand up straight again, and you feel like doing more b/c you can move and have this freedom again.

 

In fact, it's downright liberating!! You love the feeling that as you let go, you get something back that's much better for you.

 

You're smart, I know that. You see where I'm going with this.

 

I actually read an article that said to envision yourself in a tug of war with your negative emotions. You're on one end, tugging and killing yourself, and your emotions are on the other end, tugging back. You envision letting the rope go, and watching your negative emotions fall backwards and go flying into the distance while you stand there feeling great, standing tall. You just let all that negativity fall flat on its azz!

We were together so long that the relationship was part of my identity (for example, I still say "our house" instead of "my house,"). I finally just told myself, "he's never coming back, you will never be a part of his life." I let myself cry over this for days. Eventually, it sank in. I let go of the relationship.

This is what I am talking about precisely. This is another way of looking at it, and dealing with it. LET GO.

he finally changed his FB status to 'no longer in a relationship'. I thought this would really get me, but my first thought was good, he is going on with his life. I was actually more happy than sad.

This, too.

 

Maybe someday I will look at my relationship as almost 11 good years, with an unfortunate ending.

I have no doubt in my mind that you will. I honestly mean that.

 

Sorry for the rambling. I just wanted to share these thoughts and see if anyone thinks I'm losing my mind or maybe recovering...?

If you've lost your mind, then I lost mine years ago, b/c I've been applying these methods and believe in this outlook. Not sure how that makes you feel!

 

And if you are interested to know my thoughts on your breakup, I did dissect your earlier post and had a chance to really think about it. I have a feeling you already know what caused him to bail the way he did, but I'd be glad to share my thoughts with you, even for a sanity check. Very happy to see how you are going forward and letting go. Take care.

PS the playlist of FU songs seems to be working as well ...

Edited January 4, 2011 by Graceful

[D78]

The backpack idea is spot on for me. I can't seem to kick the anger completely (and I'm embracing the opportunity to wear girly combat boots), but the main emotion left is grief. It's not as bad as it was, but I get the daily punch in the stomach of something that makes me so sad he's not still in my life. That's exactly what it feels like - carrying a backpack.

 

Thanks to the $S*&***# phone/cable/internet company, I had to talk to him this morning. He has tried several times to get this company to stop auto billing his bank acct. I have, too, by giving them my bank acct info... anyways, he was basically double-billed for my services.

 

We started talking just like we always did. He complained about his new internet company, I complained about mine, we agreed canceling cable was awesome, he briefly mentioned all the things he has accomplished and I did the same. It was really strange. It didn't make me sad, though. (Although, so much for NC.)

 

I had to send him an email with a confirmation number, so I was able to add a sentence about how I respect his wishes and the billing mixup is not some psycho attempt to stay in his life (he knows this, as he has received the same treatment from the company).

 

It felt good to say that I respect his wishes. I never said that before (because I didn't respect his wishes at the time we split). I don't know if he is feeling guilt, but if he is maybe that sentence helped. It helped me.

 

After thinking about why he thought he couldn't talk to me because he didn't want to hurt me, I began thinking about how I'm not a weak person. I thought of all the heart aches I dealt with during our relationship. It was always something, and I always got past it.

 

Then I realized, he only really had 2 - the death of a close family member, and when we had to put our cat to sleep. He wasn't very experienced in life, I guess. I didn't hold him back from going places and doing what he wanted. I was the ride to the airport But, maybe our relationship somehow held him back? Maybe he didn't have the energy to put himself out there while still giving our relationship the work it needed? Maybe he felt too comfortable? Maybe he just wanted to have a lot of one night stands? Maybe he just fell out of love with me? These are the things I've considered.

 

The only thing that he said that made sense when we broke up was something like "I've never really been alone," in the sense that he moved from his parents' house in with me, and his being alone would be good.

 

What do you think, Graceful? I look forward to hearing you break it down as you are smart and can see my life objectively.

 

Oh yes, the FU playlist is very helpful. It was the best $9.95 I've ever spent on iTunes. FU playlist is (*ALL BUT #7 ARE NSFW and not safe for decent folks offended by bad words):

1. FU, Reel Big Fish

2. Runaway, Kanye West

3. Every Day I Love You Less and Less, Kaiser Chiefs

4. FU, Cee Lo Green

5. Another FU Song, Reel Big Fish

6. I Will Survive, Cake

7. The Dog Days are Over, Florence + the Machine

8. Raise Your Glass, Pink

 

It goes from angry and hateful to strong and happy. Kinda like I hope to. Thanks for your response. It's good to know I'm probably not playing games with my own mind.

[Graceful]

Well, it's very interesting that you did finally speak with your ex, even if it was prompted by a practical matter like the cable company. The fact it didn't make you sad is something I can relate to.

 

After I got over the shock of my breakup, when I spoke to my ex, I was relieved, and therefore, almost happy, that we were able to still talk like normal people and that we could still relate to each other like humans. I was heartened that I had the ability (didn't give him the credit ) and maturity and grace to deal with him.

 

When I asked if you wanted to hear my perceptions about your ex and the breakup, you said yes, so here goes nothin' .

After thinking about why he thought he couldn't talk to me because he didn't want to hurt me, I began thinking about how I'm not a weak person. I thought of all the heart aches I dealt with during our relationship. It was always something, and I always got past it.

Then I realized, he only really had 2 - the death of a close family member, and when we had to put our cat to sleep. He wasn't very experienced in life, I guess. I didn't hold him back from going places and doing what he wanted. I was the ride to the airport But, maybe our relationship somehow held him back? Maybe he didn't have the energy to put himself out there while still giving our relationship the work it needed? Maybe he felt too comfortable? Maybe he just wanted to have a lot of one night stands? Maybe he just fell out of love with me? These are the things I've considered.

What I got from reading your original post was a sense right away that making the decision to break off from you was the hardest thing your ex has ever done. That it was actually, a lot harder on him than it was for you, to be honest, and that he did his grieving in private, before the break, but he grieved quite a bit about it. My sense was that I actually felt sorry for him b/c he had to go through it alone, and you, on the other hand, were getting support and reaching out. That's why in a way, I really wanted to pick your brain in that response. I didn't really know, but I had this very strong perception that you had clarity, and maybe he didn't, and that confused him for a very long time.

 

The way he "ping ponged" from one interest to another, while certainly something to be admired to a point, was also a sign of someone who was just not satisfied, or settled, or who was always trying to find himself, maybe I saw it as a metaphor. I got this sense that this was his way of trying to do his own thing, while staying in a r/l, but it was never enough. I think he wasn't satisfied with HIMSELF, not you, and it seemed to manifest itself in his quick change artist routine. Also, he tried to shove the thoughts of his unhappiness out of his mind for a long time, he wanted them to be a phase, that he didn't blame you at all, but held himself accountable. I think he saw you as a person with a clear sense of herself, someone who had goals, that knocked them off one by one, who knew who she was, and maybe was play acting about his. Maybe he wanted to make changes but didn't think you wanted to, and he didn't want to rock the boat. I usually see this more in women than in men, b/c women are so afraid of being too pushy with a guy, but in your case, it seemed like he didn't want to push you or ask you to do something that he felt you didn't want to do b/c you had such clarity. For all we know over the years since you met him he may have wanted to get married, but was worried that's not what you wanted. That's just an example, but it might have been true, I'm not really speculating about that, just using it as an example.

 

I honestly think he really respected you, and did not want to hurt you at all. He knew he was going to hurt you, and that made him ashamed of himself. I think his shame caused the ultimate shut down. It was shame for not being able to live up to something, but I don't know what. And of course, he felt he needed to grow up and had to do that by being on his own. I don't think he has a case of "GIGS" in the classic sense at all, though. That's something I can't put my finger on. He just had thoughts over time, that he wanted to experience life on his own, on his own terms, and after he opened Pandora's Box, could not close it. He really does sound like a very nice person, and I know you must have had a very hard time being angry with him, and that may also be why your anger has dissipated rather nicely.

 

Your case was a shocker, but it was also a very mature breakup, as you did not try to employ any strategies to get him back nor did he waver and toy with you after he left. That's because there was clarity and respect. So as hard as things might be for you for the time being, your breakup has the same solid foundation that your relationship had. Yes, you have the benefit of a foundation for your breakup, and if you think about it, you'll see it that way, too.

Hope that makes sense. Take care.

[D78]

Graceful,

 

I was afraid maybe you had listened to my music and realized you didn't want to associate with folks like me... which would get me in serious trouble with the LS.

 

Thanks again for taking so much time to give me your impressions. I think you might be right. Your comment about this hurting him more than me made my heart break all over again. Yes, I know I asked for it

 

I was torn between thinking along the same lines as you, and the hurt/angry thinking. I know I'm not in a position to view any of this realistically. Your response made me think there are 2 kinds of people in terms of a relationship - some need to leave to grow, while others grow in the relationship. I think signs around the neck should be required, just so people can know what to expect in the future

 

Our practical matter conversation turned a bit emotional (although all through email so not that emotional). My comment about respecting his wishes led to him apologizing to me. He said he hoped I saw that we were both in a bad place, he had a great time with me, and had many good memories. He was glad to hear I was doing well and continued to play my ukulele. He offered to give me a metronome. I said my comment about respecting his wishes was not meant to stir up any discussion of our break up. His not telling me he was unhappy made me angry, and it also hurt me to know I made him unhappy. All of those things were beyond my control, so I didn't need to spend time now with them on my mind when I should be focusing on making my life better. I was doing a pretty good job making my life better until I talked to him on the phone and we immediately picked up like nothing happened. (It felt good to talk to him, even though I worried about breaking NC. And, please LS don't beat me up for that fact. It's probably a one-time exception to the rule.) I thanked him for apologizing, said I didn't expect for him to contact me after the email, and said I was glad he was happy.

 

I don't think I'm as set on a path as I may sound, in terms of conquering my goals one after one. I once thought I would only wear black clothes for the rest of my life. If I know anything, it's that what I thought I knew for sure a year ago may need to be re-evaluated. He may have wanted kids or marriage. I always assumed we would talk about it, but maybe I just wasn't the one he could see himself doing that with.

 

After reading your impressions, I feel okay saying I did all I could. I tried talking to him several times during this last phase, and got no where (pretty sure because he was already over me at that point). What sucks is that if he had told me he needed to go out and experience life, or whatever it was that caused him to leave me, I probably would have encouraged him (once I stopped crying like a baby, that is). I know that sounds dumb, but it's true. I really hated not knowing why this happened.

 

I feel bad for encouraging him to pursue his interests with the enthusiasm he did, if they were only to distract him from unhappiness or find some artificial identity. I never once thought of asking him if he had other motives for his phases because he has always given off a strong "got my life together" vibe.

 

I'm so glad he hasn't wavered and I know we're both too stubborn to take back the fact that it's over. I've already forgiven him for his idiotic 15 minutes right before he broke up with me. If there was some hope, I would be so much worse off than I am. I've never considered a foundation for a break up, but it makes sense. I should also be glad he didn't text UR DUMPED, or just change his status on FB.

 

It's strange that our phone conversation was so good, and his cold phase has obviously passed. But, I can't be a part of his life if I'm going to hold him back, however I or our relationship was doing that. NC is the best thing for him, even if he is prepared to be my friend again. I hope he knows why he's doing what he's doing so he can have an awesome life.

 

I think it may have been easier to think he turned into a heartless zombie and pretend I'm glad he's gone. I feel a huge wave of I miss him coming on, and I think it's gonna be a b****. And, yes, I still remember that I asked for it.

 

Thanks again - you don't know how much it has helped me to talk this over with someone. I really needed some perspective on this break up, as it was too shocking and painful for me to make any sense of alone. My ex and I have known each other so long, most of my friends are also his friends and I don't have many people to turn to right now.

[D78]

Crud. I just read my response and realized - HOW DID THIS BECOME MY FAULT?!? THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!

 

Now I gotta feel guilty, too?

[Graceful]

Crud. I just read my response and realized - HOW DID THIS BECOME MY FAULT?!? THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!

 

Now I gotta feel guilty, too?

 

 

You know I have nothing to do with it if you're feeling guilty, right?

 

But seriously, I made my comments based on him, and really said very little about you. You, of course, are the only one who can read between the lines, as you know him, and I don't. Again, the reason I asked you so many pointed questions in my original response, is b/c I thought you portrayed yourself as a person who was very clear about herself and her life, and I was trying to poke holes in that clarity. It worked -- b/c in another update, you said that you realized that in a week or two or when ever, you would answer the questions differently, indicating that you are evolving.

 

Perhaps the breakup put a spotlight on this very issue, that you really needed (and wanted?) to evolve, he definitely wanted to evolve, and neither of you really knew how to address it, notice it, deal with it, what have you. The trick would have been if he had had the experience and "know how" to address what he was feeling with you. But again, I suspect he didn't have the raw "skills" if you know what I mean, to talk to you about how he felt. He had never even been in another relationship, everything was working on the surface, and working reasonably well, so he probably thought, oh no, this is all ME, and I have to deal with this, and I don't really know how, etc etc.

 

But to blame yourself? That should not be the emphasis at all. If you want to be accountable, that's another story, and perhaps more productive.

 

You wanted him to be happy, he did not indicate he wasn't, and since you were happy, had no problems to speak of, thought you were on the same page, etc., there is no reason in the world that it would have occurred to you he was walking around about to reveal that he was a pod person all along! :D

 

But seriously, take a step back. I did want to give you my take from his POV, not b/c I wanted you to feel badly, guilty or anything else. He owns what he owns in the way of responsibility. But he's not on easy street and I do think it helps to know that your pain is being felt by your former partner, he was in a mental rut that happened over a long period of time. I know, I would feel like you do, why didn't he address it? DUMMY!! But I think he knew if he told you about it, you would have "helped" him by telling him he could go off and find himself and stay with you at the same time. But he knew that he needed to go off alone. Why take a swipe at someone you care about? Why give someone an opening for suggestions when you know you're not going to take them? That's what was probably going on in his mind when he shut down. He had his mind made up by that point, you're right. Maybe it was something he had absolute clarity about and that was a new sensation for him.

 

And if you think a play list of violent, angry songs after a break up would make me feel differently about you, think again. I am an active member of a music forum, (and one of the few women on it, so I get to flirt my heart out, it's fun!) and hang out with people whose taste in music ranges all the way from the hateful to the sublime. It's all good.

Edited January 6, 2011 by Graceful

[D78]

I am an active member of a music forum, (and one of the few women on it, so I get to flirt my heart out, it's fun!) and hang out with people whose taste in music ranges all the way from the hateful to the sublime. It's all good.

 

Oh Wow - my ex's current phase involves a music forum with not many women on it... hmmm.... wouldn't that be a trip.

 

I was just playing around about the guilty post. I don't feel guilty. I feel bad. I can't even scream to my angry music anymore.

 

The day after I was dumped I broke my wrist. I had a splint, cast #1, #2, and #3, and for 3 weeks I have had a brace. Tomorrow I will probably get the okay to stop wearing the brace and build up the strength in my arm and hand again. I wish broken hearts healed as fast as broken bones.