aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 So yeah I've been in denial about being in love with my ex for awhile now, hence why I guess I've been letting him pop in and out of my life so much. So this past weekend happened and him and I kept talking, but I had a boyfriend. Well boyfriend is now gone (that didn't last because of other reasons) and him and I are trying again. Today he texted me and told me he wanted me back and I'm going to go visit him in two weeks it seems. I guess second chances do happen. Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Maybe you're just being restrained but you don't sound terribly excited. Can you expand on how you're feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 If 'boyfriend' was the one who didn't show emotion, I have no reference for 'ex', as your earliest threads here don't recount that relationship, only the one with 'boyfriend'. A synopsis might help, or linking to a specific backstory. I couldn't find much via a quick perusal. In any event, good luck. If it was circumstances rather than incompatibility which ended things with the ex, perhaps a second chance will bear fruit. Hope so Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 Maybe you're just being restrained but you don't sound terribly excited. Can you expand on how you're feeling? I'm kinda in shock as this all happened so quickly. I'm really happy though, when I talk to him I still get the same feeling I had when I first spoke to him. Like he's my best friend and I just want to be with him. I just kept trying to suppress it for the sake of my relationship with my ex boyfriends but even they noticed it which is kinda sad I guess. Carhill, this is the ex that I'm referring to: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=259218 Up until recently he was my boyfriend. But our relationship was so horrible I gave up and ended things with him. Hence why I said the break up wasn't actually caused by the ex who now wants to rekindle things. It was caused by the problems our relationship was having for the past 2 months straight that my then boyfriend did not want to try and resolve. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 AG... I'm confused. Who are you going to visit in 2 weeks' time? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 What exactly does a 'complex romantic history' with the ex mean? Bulleted highlights would be great. For example, how long ago, at whose initiation and for what specific reason did you and he end your relationship? Second chances can be delicate things. I recall having the opinion in one of your past threads that alone time could be healthy for you. Would this second chance opportunity be lost if you took some alone time? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
durkadurka Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 What exactly does a 'complex romantic history' with the ex mean? Bulleted highlights would be great. For example, how long ago, at whose initiation and for what specific reason did you and he end your relationship? Second chances can be delicate things. I recall having the opinion in one of your past threads that alone time could be healthy for you. Would this second chance opportunity be lost if you took some alone time? Why? Yeah.. how long ago did you break up with the first ex? Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Doesn't matter what you had with the ex or the problems that were going on in your now dissolved relationship. You cheated on your now ex-boyfriend by having an EA with your previous ex-boyfriend and now that cost you another relationship. You can't keep bouncing around like this because it's not healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 AG... I'm confused. Who are you going to visit in 2 weeks' time? My ex boyfriend, not the guy in Canada, the guy who joined the military. What exactly does a 'complex romantic history' with the ex mean? Bulleted highlights would be great. For example, how long ago, at whose initiation and for what specific reason did you and he end your relationship? Second chances can be delicate things. I recall having the opinion in one of your past threads that alone time could be healthy for you. Would this second chance opportunity be lost if you took some alone time? Why? I guess I should give some back up story with a few thread references then. This is how the relationship with my ex was http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t196982/ and it was perfect but I messed it up in the worst way. I cheated on him and he rightfully so hated me for it. Biggest mistake of my life and we went 5 months of being together before he broke up with me to be with someone else because he "deserved better" (and I'll be honest he did at that point). So we were apart for about a year and a half. I can count the number of times we spoke on the phone up until very recently (like the past weekend) on one hand. We texted each other here and there but both tried to move on and got into other relationships. Then this weekend happened as shown here and we began talking again alot more. As I said before my now ex boyfriend and I had problems that had nothing to do with my ex being in the picture. It's just that my ex (the one I may be reconciling with) pointed out some issues and the fact that they weren't small things like I was trying to make them out to be, but pretty big and needed to be dealt with. My now ex boyfriend didn't think that and after hearing him brush it off a few times and tell me he didn't care anymore, I got fed up and broke up with him. That's what made the "omg she may leave me" lightbulb go off but by that time I didn't care anymore. Then my ex told me he wanted me back, and we decided that we'd take things slow and see where they went when we I come see him in two weeks. Note that we haven't seen each other in almost two years and that he lives in another state as me and that our relationship was a LDR before and would be again this time if something comes of everything. Hence why we're not putting pressure on the situation and just taking it one day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 Doesn't matter what you had with the ex or the problems that were going on in your now dissolved relationship. You cheated on your now ex-boyfriend by having an EA with your previous ex-boyfriend and now that cost you another relationship. You can't keep bouncing around like this because it's not healthy. No I did not. I talked to my ex about how depressed I was about the situation with my current boyfriend and asked for some advice. I did not cheat on my now ex boyfriend. He knew I talked to him and he knew what it was about and why. And I'm not sure if it qualifies as bouncing around if my heart has belonged to only one person really this entire time. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 No I did not. I talked to my ex about how depressed I was about the situation with my current boyfriend and asked for some advice. I did not cheat on my now ex boyfriend. He knew I talked to him and he knew what it was about and why. And I'm not sure if it qualifies as bouncing around if my heart has belonged to only one person really this entire time. But you said you were conversating about getting back together with your previous ex when you and your now ex were together. If your heart really belonged to him you wouldn't be here talking and thinking about getting back with your previous ex. You would be trying to solve the issues with your now ex-boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 No I did not. I talked to my ex about how depressed I was about the situation with my current boyfriend and asked for some advice. I did not cheat on my now ex boyfriend. He knew I talked to him and he knew what it was about and why. And I'm not sure if it qualifies as bouncing around if my heart has belonged to only one person really this entire time.Thanks for the history. I appreciate that. I'll tell you a little about 'inappropriate emotional attachments', as defined by the psychologist who dealt with my emotional affair in my marriage with a past 'love'. It's not the person which matters, but rather the feelings by the offending party for that person and the de-prioritization of the primary relationship, in my case a marriage, which matters. It's disrespectful and hurtful to the partner one is ostensibly committed to. In your case, this is augmented by this person of interest having been your ex-boyfriend and you having had a full and sexually intimate relationship with him in the past. It is my experience that few women (none in my personal experience but I will allow for 'few') will ever admit to such occurrences being 'affairs' or 'cheating' or 'wrong'. I saw signs of another such denial today, undermining my respect for someone I've loved for many years. I would strongly suggest taking some alone time to process the totality of what has occurred. You will likely not take this advice, nor do I expect you to. It's far easier to just move on to the next thing, in this case 'one step at a time' with an ex-boyfriend whom you apparently cheated on (regretfully) in the past. What about this time will be different? How have you and he resolved the parameters for your choices in the past and erected healthier boundaries for behavior? I wish you well. Hope it works out Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 But you said you were conversating about getting back together with your previous ex when you and your now ex were together. If your heart really belonged to him you wouldn't be here talking and thinking about getting back with your previous ex. You would be trying to solve the issues with your now ex-boyfriend. I would've if he hadn't told me that he regretted losing his virginity to me, told me he didn't give a **** anymore, and kept saying goodbye like he was breaking up with me for the almost two months I tried to work things out with him. He even said he was a jerk and didn't care then because he thought everything would get better when I moved. I got to the point where I didn't care anymore and he pushed me to that point. And nope I wasn't saying "oh we should get back together" I just told him if I saw him I might fall back in love with him and it's true. He knows that and has always known that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 Thanks for the history. I appreciate that. I'll tell you a little about 'inappropriate emotional attachments', as defined by the psychologist who dealt with my emotional affair in my marriage with a past 'love'. It's not the person which matters, but rather the feelings by the offending party for that person and the de-prioritization of the primary relationship, in my case a marriage, which matters. It's disrespectful and hurtful to the partner one is ostensibly committed to. In your case, this is augmented by this person of interest having been your ex-boyfriend and you having had a full and sexually intimate relationship with him in the past. It is my experience that few women (none in my personal experience but I will allow for 'few') will ever admit to such occurrences being 'affairs' or 'cheating' or 'wrong'. I saw signs of another such denial today, undermining my respect for someone I've loved for many years. I would strongly suggest taking some alone time to process the totality of what has occurred. You will likely not take this advice, nor do I expect you to. It's far easier to just move on to the next thing, in this case 'one step at a time' with an ex-boyfriend whom you apparently cheated on (regretfully) in the past. What about this time will be different? How have you and he resolved the parameters for your choices in the past and erected healthier boundaries for behavior? I wish you well. Hope it works out I guess you may be right about that, but my now ex boyfriend knows what happened so I didn't hide anything from him. And your right I probably won't take your advice, as bad as that sounds. This time alot of things are different. This time I'm not being pushed to date him and I don't want to be single. This time neither of us feels like we need to keep seeing what's out there dating wise. This time we communicate alot better and I know that when something happens, he is the first person I should turn to for help. That was the biggest issue actually, the fact that he wasn't the person I ran to before anyone else, that and my pride. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Jumping into this relationship the day after another one, one you were so excited about moving to another country for not that long ago, ended.... is a huge mistake. I'm worried that you're making bad choices at a time you should take things slowly. If you even want a hope in hell of this current relationship working, rushing into relationship mode again with this guy so soon after your last relationship, it more than likely won't work. You guys already have enough negatives going into this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 Jumping into this relationship the day after another one, one you were so excited about moving to another country for not that long ago, ended.... is a huge mistake. I'm worried that you're making bad choices at a time you should take things slowly. If you even want a hope in hell of this current relationship working, rushing into relationship mode again with this guy so soon after your last relationship, it more than likely won't work. You guys already have enough negatives going into this. That's true CE, and we're not in a relationship. We're going to see where things go, no promises or expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Whoa, wasn't your most recent boyfriend someone you were just talking marrying and being so in love with? Like, just as recent as a week ago? Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 That's true CE, and we're not in a relationship. We're going to see where things go, no promises or expectations. That's good to hear, you didn't really make it sound that way. I hope whatever happens, you're happy. A lot of us are going to worry about you, it comes with people liking you. Link to post Share on other sites
violaaa Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Oh just less than one day you were still saying you were unsure of what to do with the present bf due to his being pushing for your move and insecurity about your sexual past with your former ex. And you also recall a great email in one day or two announcing how much you are lucky to find this lovely guy. What on earth would all changes be so sudden? Have you formally ending things with your present bf when it seems that he keeps contacting you whilst you keep having contact with this of your former ex. Who are you actually loving? I think you need to figure things out alone or with other reliable gf. I wonder if one day you say you would be very happy to get back to your present bf and making the travel to Canada again. You are complicating circumstances this way and all would be losers at the end. I do wish you best and hope you clear your mind before making any plan or visits. Link to post Share on other sites
Janicee Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Saying it second chance and the plan for visit denote that you are starting with this ex boyfriend. But from your thread in LDR you were still struggling the time for travel to Canada which your bf insisted on January whilst you insisted on Feb or March. You also stated that you're not sure what to do. It appears that you have not formally ended the present relationship, but you have been working on the second chance with the ex. Is it unfair to the present bf and he has really had ground for being insecure as you had said that you were all along denying things with this ex. I would consider that you are not honest to the present bf. I think you are insecure too since you would jump to another one when one looks failing a bit! Given your deep love to the present bf, will you be a bit cruel to end things all in a sudden when you seem to have the opportunity to go back to the ex br? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Seriously get grounded first. You were talking about possibly moving in with ex #2 and you have been dealt some harsh words by him. Seriously stop, think and experience what you are going through for at least a month before diving into any other kind of emotional connection with your ex. Deciding the you are in love with him but have been in denial all of this time does not sound healthy or stable. It appears that contact with ex 2 may have clouded your judgment. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 AG, you are moving faaaar too fast with this. A couple of days ago, you posted that you love bf #2. Then you both had an argument and broke up. And now you reconciled with guy #1, a scant day after the breakup? What's the rush? If guy #1 truly loves you he will be willing to wait for you to take some time to figure things out. You don't need to be jumping out of one relationship back into another one that already failed previously. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 I'm still thinking and no I'm not with anyone right now. I've been 100% honest with both of them and they both know that I'm confused right now. My most recent ex whose in Canada, is still pushing to get back with me. He said we can hold off on the move and is still trying. I told him I can't be with him now though because he wouldn't be getting all of me and unless I can give him 100% of me I won't get back with him. He deserves better than that. The other ex from almost 2 years ago is trying to get me to come see him as soon as possible mostly due to the fact that he'll be training soon for his deployment and the sooner I see him, the more time we'll have together. I'm still single though, neither one of them has me and they both know that. And I was trying to find stuff to keep myself in love with my most recent ex but after he stopped trying I stopped caring. Then he went off on me and I snapped, he pushed me to the edge that is hard for me to come back from. I'm still trying to figure out what to do at this point. It's all just so confusing since all of this happened so quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
folieadeux Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I don't mean to sound like a broken record here, but I'm in total agreement with everyone who suggested to take some time to yourself and wait. I really think that's the best thing for everyone involved. I know it sounds dumb, but I'm personally still shocked over the breakup of you and your ex in Canada...I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. Everything seemed to be going so great and you were so close to moving. Link to post Share on other sites
yah Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 AG, I've been a lurker on LS before I started to post more. I've somewhat followed your story because I thought it was interesting. I remember you posting about how the Canadian guy is sooo different from any of the guys you've dated, how you could uproot your life for him because you could see yourself married to him, etc. How can this all change in 48hrs? It's baffling to me, really. It seems to me that you are in love with the idea of being in love, without understanding what love really is. It sounds like you get attached very easily. A fall-out with Canadian guy is obviously a very emotional time, I think you may be too vulnerable to deal with American guy, in any sort of context. What's the rush? If my friend was in your situation, I would tell her to stop talking to any of those guys, stop dating for awhile and just focus on herself. Accomplish her own goals, establish her own emotional independence. Find out what it is she needs/wants. When the time is right, date locally if possible. Link to post Share on other sites
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