Midnight Magic Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I am feeling guilty. My co-worker and friend has been battling cancer since Oct. 2002, and we have always made the time to get together and offer each other support. We have gone out for lunch and other outings, and it has been great. She was doing so well, she was told in January 2003, that all the cancer was gone, the surgery was successful, and that she was on the road to recovery. I was so happy, I thought that she had beat the odds. She was given a clean bill of health just this past February 2004. Her family had a 50th birthday party for her, and I never attended. I never attended, because I was off being selfish doing things with my own family. This morning I received a telephone call that she is in the hospital in Palliative Care, and is not expected to live past the two week mark, and I am feeling awful. I want to go and see her, but I am a total basket case when it comes to seeing people in this condition. I know that I should go to the hospital with the other staff members, but as soon as I see her I am going to be crying unconditional and that will not make matters any better. Any advice, should I go to the hospital. Link to post Share on other sites
Al Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I think you should go to the hospital to visit though. I think that any pain seeing your friend at the hospital may cause you, it will help your friend and that pain will be nothing to what you feel if your friend passes away and you didn't visit. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Don't set yourself up. You may be quite fine when you see her. We surprise ourselves in such circumstances. Even if you cry, she will be happy that you went and she will understand your sorrow exists because of your fondness for her. GO. You will hate yourself forever if you stay away and she dies. Link to post Share on other sites
Sundaymorning Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 suck it up and go see her!!! Do NOT make excuses! Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 This maybe your last chance to tell your friend how much she means to you. How you will always charish your friendship. Take this oporunnity while you still have it. Believe me you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't. I'll tell you 2 quick stories to prove it. My fiancee's father was dieing of cancer when he was 16. His father was fighting for his last days in the hospital. My finance didn't go to the hospital b/c he couldn't face the fact that his father was dieing and he didn't want to see him with all the tubes and monitors. Within a couple of days his father died. 22 years later when the topic comes up my fiance will cry with regret of not seeing his father and being able to say good bye and tell him how much he loved him. I moved with my father when I was 16 and my parents split up. I was a daddy's girl. When I was 20 I moved out on my own and there fore my father was living alone. I still had some of my belongings in my old room. One evening I went to my fathers to get a jacket that I had left behind. I went in quitely and left quietly b/c I knew that if dad seen me I would have to stay a visit for about an hour. I was in a hurry to go to the fireworks it was the Canada Day celebrations. That night my father died in his sleep. If I could do it all over again I would miss thoughs fireworks to spend his last night alive talking with my dad. I have felt guilty for being so selfish ever since. People will say not to feel guilty, you didn't know. But the way I see it my father sacrificted alot in his life for me and I couldn't spare an hour of my time. Take the oppuntunity while you still have it. Go see your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 by all means, plan to go visit your friend and try your best to take your cue from her when it comes to knowing how to act. If she's afraid, listen to her fears and talk to her. If she's in a mood to make sure things are in order with her family, listen and then let her family know what her wishes are. Each situation is different, but the key thing is to let her know that you are listening to her. I live across the state from my parents, so it was complicated to get down to see them as often as I wanted when my mom was placed in a nursing home last spring. On top of that, I lost all phone contact with her because there wasn't a phone in her room at the nursing home, and to make things worse, Mama had "lost" the skill of talking on the phone. I finally figured out that I could still write her, so I did. Even when it came time to let her know that I knew she was dying and that it was okay to go when she had to go. That was the hardest thing I've had to do, because not only was I losing a mom, but a very beloved friend -- how do you graciously tell someone you love that much "goodbye"? Writing and sending that letter helped me more than I could imagine, because after that, I started viewing each visit with her not as "maybe the last time" but a gift of sorts, which tempered the sorrow with a little bit of happiness, and that's been a big comfort lately. It's pretty hard -- and pretty crappy -- going through the process of losing someone you care so much about, but that experience doesn't necessarily have to be something completely negative if you try to rethink your approach. Go visit your friend and let her know how fondly you think of her: it's a gift that only you can give her in these last days, and it'll be a gift for you to treasure whenever you think of her .... Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight Magic Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Ok enuff said I am going to see her tonight. It won't be easy, but it is something that has to be done. Thanks all Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I hope you two have a good visit together. quank Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight Magic Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 UPDATE: My friend and co-worker lost her battle with cancer on Monday March 29, 2004. The staff and her family were at the hospital, and Judy was fighting with all her might, she did not want to die. She refused painkillers to the very end, and it was not until we told her that it was ok, to let go, and that she fought hard, that she accepted it. Within the hour she was in a peaceful place. But the impact she left on this earth will be there forever. Judy... may you rest in peace. My thoughts and prayers will be with you everyday. You taught me to live each day to the fullest, and I will honor your request. A part of you will forever live on in me. Thanks for the memories kid. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 I'm sorry for your loss, but I think that people are alive as long as others are around to remember them. The body dies, but the thoughts, the ideas, the character, the love...that lives on forever. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 http://www.beyondindigo.com/ I'm so sorry. I've lost family and friends. Check out the site I linked. It helped me to deal with my losses and to understand how others may be dealing with it too. There is a lot of information on this site and there are message boards too. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 MM, I am sorry for your loss ... however, amerikajin has a very valid point: even though you lose someone close to you, you don't completely lose that person because he/she lives on in your heart and in your mind. Take comfort from all the times you and Judy shared together, and know that you probably had as great an impact in her life as she had on yours. quank Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight Magic Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Thanks for the encouragement. Somehow, somehow, I have to get through the funeral tomorrow without being a total basket case. Please anyone, how can I get thru it. I turn to absolute mush in situations like this, and I have to be present in front of her family and my co-workers. The last funeral I went to and I barely knew the person, I could not stop crying, it was so embarassing. Help me The funeral is at 10 am on Thursday. Thanks in advance Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Don't worry about being embarrassed. Funerals are an important part of saying goodbye to someone and you would do well not to bottle things up. Be a total basket case - it's an appropriate reaction to death. I lost a very close friend to cancer a couple of years ago. I posted a thread about it recently. It made me feel so much better, I'd kept far too much inside. Take a close friend with you, even if they didn't know her they can be there for you. No-one will mind. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
DebraLee Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 DONT WAST TIME...GO SEE HER! I have felt so guilty for not being there for my very close friend that died. She was like my real mother should have been like. I will never fogive myself for not being there when she need her friends there. I blame myself sometimes for her death. That isnt logical but If I would have been there I feel that she would not have had the operation she had that led to her death. I know a freind of my mother's that is a JW that I cannot talk to...who is dying of cancer as well. I sent her a floral arrangement even though I shouldn't due to the religion. BUT I would not be able to forgive myself if I sat around thinking about it and one day it was too late. Link to post Share on other sites
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