We wish you a Bitchy Christmas!

[dreamingoftigers]

...and a Happy New Year!

 

Don't worry about it lol My parents are messed to. I was talking about raising my daughter yesterday and how I want to make things great for her childhood. My mother just outright snaps saying that she gave me a great childhood and "adored the ground I walked on."

 

I said "I wasn't referring to my childhood, I was talking about hers and anyways, I disagree."

 

So she snaps and says "Well you are the ****ing Loser then!"

 

Wow, wtf? So since I got whacked with the crazy and was quite stunned (this hasn't happened for months now). My brain didn't process much more then, "well we are going to leave, you can't talk to me like that especially in front of my kid."

 

I go to leave and she screams at me while I wait for my H to pick me up saying nutty nutty things like: "You just came here to be a victim." (I work Sundays in their house watching my brain-injured brother, the whole notion is just mental). "I am not paying you one red cent, you just use us for money." (She owes for me a couple of shifts, I watch him paid on Sundays because they get funded for it and it is a little extra for me, but I have also vounteered many occasions to relieve them, I am not retiring from the returns on the Sunday shift). I tell her to nevermind and keep it then, I told her to just stop, I was already going and it was just making it worse. She wasn't going to so I just sat and waited and she continued the tirade.

 

"You just cut me off because you love my sister more, she doesn't really even like you, I bet she is laughing behind your back because you are fat." (Yes my mother said this to me)

 

"Your childhood was ten times better then mine"

 

"You just want to be the victim and cut every one off" (No one said anything about me disappearing, I just wasn't going to keep working when someone was being a nutbag).

 

"Yeah you better go with your husband and see if he can meet your emotional needs then"

 

Then my father came home and my h came in very shortly after. My mother says to my father "The Queen is leaving, she's been insulted."

 

So my father says "Oh so you are going to cut us off then. I get it, you are going to cut my off from our grandkid."

 

I stopped him right there and said: "Nobody has said anything about cutting anyone off period. I don't know where you two get that from but I sure didn't say it. I am not going to fight with either one of you, and I am not going to get pushed to the point where I am yelling at you back, so I am going. If you want to ask me what my status is later, you know how to reach me, but I am not discussing this anymore."

 

My mother screamed some more saying that I was punishing her by taking her granddaughter away just like I punished her when I was 17 by leaving home. (This was after my Dad tried to kill me by strangulation, it just wasn't as much "fun" hanging out after that.)

 

My H is fuming at this point and we go. We get in the car and he says: "What the Hell? Is she 10?"

 

So I went home and later my father calls telling me that she didn't really call me a loser, she said I wouldn't listen to what she meant. He also said that if I want to be paid I have to come get the cheque RIGHT NOW and by myself, don't bring my husband with me. So I say "I will pick up the cheque sometime later, I don't want to deal with it right now and since it goes to the company either myself or (my H) will get it, or you can just leave it in your mailbox."

 

She meant that I "lost part of my childhood because I didn't know how much I was loved. Just like if you go to a casino and you lose money"

 

So I said "really? And I suppose you think that if you approached one of those guys and told them they were a loser, they would totally understand that."

 

She said, "if someone said that to me, I would say: yes I lost all of those coins. You just decided what I meant and didn't ask me what I meant by saying that. Your definition is different then mine."

 

So I simply say, "okay Mom then you are a pedophile, it means:I like you."

 

So she rants and tells me that that is completely different and that by leaving I have punished her and then she starts crying (very very rare for my mother) saying it feels just like when her dad ignored her growing up and when her sister didn't invite her to her wedding.

 

I simply say: "I left because it wasn't healthy. If we don't talk like that to one another, we won't have a problem."

 

And then she compliments me on the way I handled the whole situation because I didn't yell at her and she is really upset because her and my father discussed his affair again that morning. I say simply:"I am sorry that you had to go through that BUT feelings don't give you permission to act however you want."

 

Then she says "you are acting like you are the parent again, I was the parent and you are the child and I understood far more what happened in your childhood then you and you keep saying you were abused and that's not what happened." (?)

 

"Mom, stick with the positive, I gotta go make lunches for tomorrow."

 

"Fine I have to eat dinner anyways."

 

Anybody wonder why I made screwed up choices in my early adult life?

[Starguise]

Reading your post, I felt like I was reading words my own mother would say to me.

 

Like you, I have a dysfunctional relationship with my parents. My father not so bad, but he enables my mother to act like a psycho. I left home at an early age as well due to substance abuse issues with my mom, plus verbal and physical abuse from her.

 

The best thing I ever did was set boundaries. I keep her at arm's length and avoid connecting with her until she gets her act together. When she starts acting up again, I cut her off. There may come a day I get fed up with it, but probably not as long as my father is alive.

 

I'm so glad you stood up for yourself and didn't let her stampede all over you. If she wants to get pissy and accuse you of acting like her parent, then you can kindly explain to her that if she wouldn't act childish, you wouldn't have to speak with her in that manner.

 

I feel your pain. Growing up with a narcissistic parent is the worst. Stay strong though!

[Allisha]

Your mother = bitch.

...[/end]

[carhill]

Yikes

 

BTW, loved the title of your thread. I know the subject matter is serious but the title made me laugh

[sb129]

I loved the title too.

 

DOT- my family and my in laws aren't as crazy as yours, but my goodness we have had our moments over the last couple of weeks.

 

My husband and I are officially OVER family time!

[dreamingoftigers]

Should have been: and a Crappy New Year!

 

OKay another epic post. Thanks to everyone who replied!

 

Man, I just kind of felt a little weird posting that up.

 

I guess in a way everytime something significant happens in a major relationship for me I now like to post it and reflect and see what others might think (not that others will be making or greatly swaying my decisions). I find it helpful.

 

I was really proud of my H actually. He didn't lose his temper at me or them (in the past he has kind of said things like "S.... let's go!") which causes me embarassment because it looks like he is giving me criticism. Of course if that happens in front of Team Dysfunction it looks like he has effectively taken their side, when really he thinks they aren't going to listen anyways, so forget it.

 

He just came in and read the note from me about what happened and waited a couple of minutes while they were acting nuts and said "okay Let's head out, this isn't going to go anywhere." But he said it really nice toned to me so it just seemed like something neutral.

 

I know it was really hard for him to control it because they really have pissed him off in the past (oh the stories!), but he did it. My parents didn't even have anything rude to say to him.

 

Things have calmed down there because my brother had to go overnight to the hospital with a nosebleed that wouldn't stop. He was in a lot of distress (his blood pressure was 157 - something, high for a 21 year old who is sedentary). He had trouble breathing and coughing up phlem with the packing in to stop the bleeding.

 

The thing that really did annoy me about this time was I guess kind of odd. My father was the really abusive one when I was growing up. Bitterly alcoholic (in denial too) and I think very mentally ill, aggressive and narcissistic. Classic manipulative narcissist. Constant liar too. I loathe dishonesty in general (I will admit that I have a chronically late problem and that I will lie to my clients about why. I think saying "I slept in again because I stayed up late watching episodes of Dexter" doesn't work as well as "traffic was bad on xyz route this morning, wow be careful on there, it's icy").

 

I'll put it this way: I read the book Toxic Parents in less than 24 hours, I was so hooked on it that I stayed up through the night to read it. I underlined everything that Mom or Dad did and it is thoroughly covered in pen except for the parent that "overhelps" their child and the incest/sexual abuse section.

 

My Dad was one mean dude. Often the two would gang up on me, but that was usually just for shaming and insults. Sometimes Mom would try to be my "buddy" and ask what I felt, but if I told her she would list a bunch of reasons why I shouldn't feel the way I did. She would also let me know that I should feel guilty or ashamed for what I felt. (Why bother asking in the first place?)

 

(Just for the record, I may use cranky shame language on here about my husband because I have some pissed off undealt with anger that I am working through, but I carefully monitor the tone and words I use towards my family, I don't want them to feel shame when dealing with me).

 

Last year after my father was caught by me in his extra-marital affair. (Trust me, I wasn't hunting him, an old friend (whom I had asked not to contact me about his activities) told me the hotel he was at, I just about barfed! I had a 3 month old and didn't want to deal with any of that. It just sickened me. Anyways, my mother finally realizing after 30 years that my father might be capable of lying to her, threatened to leave the marriage. They went for MC and it seems that he has actually been working on it.

 

The Old Man is so dependent on my mother, I don't think he could ever let her leave (he did used to threaten to kill her if she did). So he actually started working on the "boundaries." Went to Tacome for a spectral brain scan. Went to a behavioural program. Before he used to hurl an insult at me just about every time he would see me (which is part of the reason I had barely any contact with them for 10 years).

 

After the affair happened, he steered very clear of me (the insults ceased I think largely because he thought if he got lippy I might mention something about the affair in a big, rude way. Personally, that's too low for me but I can't say that the idea hasn't brought some him-shutting-up perks.) He has taked about boundaries, doesn't get involved in my business and doesn't call me when he is drunk anymore. As well he is much more positive (in general) and my daughter actually likes him now (for the first 6 months even the sight of him would cause her to burst into tears, her reaction was much more alarming then any other person she has met. She has amazing instincts I have noticed). Now she runs up to him and wants to play. He is a good grandfather to her. It is very strange to see.

 

Now what really pisses me off is: my mother still carries around the old dynamic and incites bull**** every now and then. And she will incite my father too. There isn't anything new about this pattern. She used to get him to go after me when I was a kid. She has a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, a BA in Child Studies, a Mental Health Certificate and an Early Childhood Education Diploma. None of which she has ever applied professionally of personally in her life. She cashed in my education savings fund to go back for her Child Studies degree. She has been a stay at home mom for over 20 years. She was supported by my wealthy grandfather to the tune of $2000- 3000 a month (inflation) for 30 years and has nothing to show for it aside from empty fast food containers and a house she doesn't ever clean. Everything she feels or does is someone else's fault.

 

I do think that my ADD (if it is genetic) largely comes from her. You can't have a flowing conversation with her at all, she asks questions and doesn't wait for answers. Or she asks the same one 3-4 times. BUT it is just so ridiculous that my dumb-ass Dad is doing so much better with this stuff then my overqualified mother! I know the best thing to do is put crazy on the shelf and walk away. Crazy is as crazy does. It just irks me!

[sb129]

DOT- all families come with baggage and issues.

 

You have a chance to start afresh, but its probably a good idea not to tell your parents how you are going to be a better parent than they were- its not going to go down well.

 

I am also determined that my daughter grow up with fewer hangups than my H and I have, but its not worth bringing it up with her grandparents. I can talk about stuff with my mum, but thats it, and we have a good relationship and can both acknowledge things that have happened in the past.

 

However i would never dream of mentioning anything to Hs parents, and sometimes the best thing to do is get over it and get on with your life, especially if you are now a parent.

 

Your daughter will pick up on the vibes between you and your parents by now, and will also pick up on it if you are b*tching and moaning about them to your H in front of her.

 

Unless its conflict you can resolve in front of her, try and let it go. Easier said than done, I Know

[Disillusioned]

"Your childhood was ten times better then mine"

 

The one I got was "you don't know how good you have it"... this from my late granny who was allowed to carry on like a 7-yo kid when she didn't get her way and didn't have to work for the last 15 years of her spoiled life.

[SoleMate]

Your mother is very cruel and unfair, and it seems your father is not much better.

 

I can only hope that she/he/they have their own backstory that can function as a (partial, inadequate) excuse for this kind of behavior.

 

You are doing a very caring thing, taking care of your brother. I understand there is some compensation, but OTOH I doubt if there are dozens of people lined up competing to get that job. He is very lucky that you are there.

 

So are your parents. Please don't take THEIR opinion as reality. It's not. :-(

[SoleMate]

Your mother is very cruel and unfair, and it seems your father is not much better.

 

I can only hope that she/he/they have their own backstory that can function as a (partial, inadequate) excuse for this kind of behavior.

 

You are doing a very caring thing, taking care of your brother. I understand there is some compensation, but OTOH I doubt if there are dozens of people lined up competing to get that job. He is very lucky that you are there.

 

So are your parents. Please don't take THEIR opinion as reality. It's not. :-(

[dreamingoftigers]

DOT- all families come with baggage and issues.

 

You have a chance to start afresh, but its probably a good idea not to tell your parents how you are going to be a better parent than they were- its not going to go down well.

 

I am also determined that my daughter grow up with fewer hangups than my H and I have, but its not worth bringing it up with her grandparents. I can talk about stuff with my mum, but thats it, and we have a good relationship and can both acknowledge things that have happened in the past.

 

However i would never dream of mentioning anything to Hs parents, and sometimes the best thing to do is get over it and get on with your life, especially if you are now a parent.

 

Your daughter will pick up on the vibes between you and your parents by now, and will also pick up on it if you are b*tching and moaning about them to your H in front of her.

 

Unless its conflict you can resolve in front of her, try and let it go. Easier said than done, I Know

 

Thank you for your input but you are reading things that weren't said. Perhaps backing up just a little:

 

 

My daughter does go over there a couple of times a week after my parents pick her up and bring her for a chiropractic appointment (they do care, and in the past they have been willing to do quite a bit, but it always came with a steep price, so they have very little to do with my personal life).

 

We were talking about potty-training, my mother with more degrees then I have in the field and who has quality textbook and practicum training was sharing her opinion. We both agreed that starting my Little Lah early was the right move (she is 19 months and already going poop and pee on the potty, she even comes up and says "poop." I never thought that word would ever be cute, but it is.)

 

I mention that I am glad we started early but her dayhome mother (daycare) won't do it with her and it pisses me off how often kids are underestimated. I said that many times I felt underestimated and I didn't want my kid to go through that. I want her to feel like she can conquer new things and people give her credit for her abilities. I was actually thinking about things like French class where we had to have those stupid reviews and I used to get so bored and frustrated hearing the same stuff over and over again to suit some artificial deadline created by the school board.

 

In High School I went to a special program in the city at Bishop Carroll High School where you can work at your own pace. It was created for kids who were behind, ahead or in special athletic programs where they had to train or travel a lot on irregular schedules. I DID NOT feel underestimated here. I worked full-time for the first year and did practically no schoolwork until the last 6 weeks of the year. Then I buckled down and completed 6 courses. I finished High School in a year and a half.

 

I am not saying that I am any more intelligent than anyone else, but my grandmother put in tons of work with me as a little girl. She taught me how to read and spell quite young. She showed me Science books and National Geographics that were way beyond the grade level (in fact before I was in grade school). I remember the one time she seemed proud of me was when (at the age of 6) I spelled out "construction."

 

My life skills are the pits LOL but I can read like nobody's business. That's thanks to her. I read to my daughter as often as I can. I try to vary it from kids books to one of my Astronomy texts to a Geography and History book I have. She might not be able to pick up much at this age, but if she is exposed to information like that, she will get significant tidbits which make conquering school much easier.

 

Anyways: My mother heard that I felt underestimated as a personal affront to her. Unfortunately once that tipping point is reached it is game over or a big blowout. I refuse to play blowout. I am not stupid enough to say: "Let's just face it, you guys sucked, grandma rocked except for the fact she couldn't emotionally attach to anyone, she's still the better parent. Mom, don't you have a couch to warm? Dad, you don't want that drink to get too low, do you?"

 

BUT I will not be told time and time again that I had this wonderfully ideal childhood. After having read Toxic Parents I realize that they will rewrite history if they feel that they are being shamed. All of a sudden that train ride I was supposed to take with my father wasn't just another broken promise: it was because he always had to work to support his ungrateful family. When he yelled and screamed and threw things, it was because he was "stressed" and he can be stressed if he wants. My father never "hit me" he gave me "love taps" and "kept me in line." My father was also "tired" he wasn't "drunk," the fact that he would often be "tired" until about 3-4 a.m. swearing at the tv (he really hated the weather guy LOL!) and then being an hour or two late for work the next day meant nothing. He was never too "tired" to pick a fight with my mother. My mother "never hit me" (in fact this came up during the argument) although right off of the top of my head I can remember two times where she publicly slapped my face.

 

My personal history being rewritten is a boundary I will not let them cross anymore, ever. I have heard 50,000 justifications for abuse. I will not swallow one. Not one. Ever again. I don't dredge up details or whip through bitter moments (unless asked) I simply sit, bring my thoughts inward and say "I disagree." I will only change this answer if there is a healthier one.

 

As for the circumstances dealing with my parents during my childhood, I do. not. ever. bring it up with them. It has been reviewed many times during my early adult life and there wasn't much movement in their perceptions until my father said something acknowledging to me; ten years after trying to kill me. I already know it will only open up shaming and I suspect it is so explosive because my mother knows that she is full of **** and she may feel bad and can't deal with the idea that I might say something like "see ha ha you were a ****ty mom." Truth is I won't lower myself to treat someone like that anymore.

 

It is nice that your mum can acknowledge things that happened in the past. My parents are on a different operating system and my new programming is not compatible with them anymore. I upgraded. I am the newest version and that means that I need a whole new platform. (wow, so much geektalk).

 

Where does it say anything about me mentioning it to Hs parents? They know an abstract idea of what my parents are like because they went for a vacation an hour away from my In-law's place right after we were married. They were there for 2 weeks and refused to come meet my in-laws. My mother-in-law was recovering from knee replacement surgery and couldn't travel. My father wouldn't return her calls inviting him to meet her. He told my H and I that if his parents were "so bloody interested, she'd get her ass out of bed and come over here." It has been six years they've never met. My in-laws have also been told by my H some of the things I have dealt with and the way he has been treated by them.

My in-laws say that that means they "will love me extra." Honestly, my husband's mother can be pretty moody but I think her heart is absolutely in the right place.

 

I am familiar with not drawing my daughter into mine and my parent's internal conflict. I know this from Toxic Parents but also because my mother used to drive me to school in the morning and do nothing but complain about my father and her family (sister, brothers, her parents etc.). She complained about them to anyone that would listen for 20 years! It was so repetitive and as a little kid if you didn't want to hear it anymore she would freak about how she couldn't share her feelings.

 

I know that talking about grandparents in front of the kid (or talking harshly negative about anyone that child has a relationship with) brings guilt to the child. I remember my parents talking about an owner from a Chinese Restaurant that I thought was a pretty nice guy. My parents had gone to him for years. They said how he was a cheapskate for not putting more shrimp in their food, they said some racist stuff too and I was pretty young but it made me feel pretty bad. So I told them that I had picked some of the shirmp out and eaten it. (I hadn't.) Well they had a big fit over that, but they still order from him to this day.

 

I just didn't like that because there was less shrimp then they expected that this person was all of a sudden so horrible that his character as a whole was called into question. I think about how weird that is from time to time about how as a kid I kind of threw myself under the bus because I didn't want that guy to get talked about so badly.

 

My grandmother and my mother both talk behind each other's backs and then accuse the other of doing so. It never did anything good. It wasn't like they were looking for insight into their issues. They just wanted to make the other person look worse, they both succeeded.

 

Once I write an epic story, I tend to be able to let things drift off. I am somewhat amazed how I will get up the next morning and wrestle with more demons each day. In March my husband took off for eight days, leaving me with our 9 month old daughter. I still got up and ran our business when it would have been easier to get some financial support and go get a regular, low-end job. I cleaned houses with mono and a broken toe LOL. (Yes we have masks).

[dreamingoftigers]

Your mother is very cruel and unfair, and it seems your father is not much better.

 

I can only hope that she/he/they have their own backstory that can function as a (partial, inadequate) excuse for this kind of behavior.

 

You are doing a very caring thing, taking care of your brother. I understand there is some compensation, but OTOH I doubt if there are dozens of people lined up competing to get that job. He is very lucky that you are there.

 

So are your parents. Please don't take THEIR opinion as reality. It's not. :-(

 

Thank you. Yes I care about my brother a great deal and it is still weird for me to see him like this. My brain still can't quite reconcile that this is him.

 

I used to take their opinion as reality but now that I am older and have spent more time around other people I see how frigging nutty the perceptions of things have gotten.

 

As my father's addiction worsened and he became more erratic, my mother compensated by just being more and more believing. I cannot understand the lies that she was willing to accept. She also creates the worst motivations for even mundane actions. If she made you a dish and you asked for some salt, she would give it. Later she would complain to my father about how someone suggested her cooking wasn't good enough (this is just an example, she doesn't really cook and when she does it is horrible!). If she is in a foul enough mood she'll really get my father going.

 

BUT if my father is in a foul mood saying something about somebody asking for salt etc. My mother will play the Devil's Advocate instantly and let you know that you are crazy! One of my mother's favorite tricks was to complain about my father on and on, then ask how I felt about it or him. If I gave an answer defending him, she would shame me until I just agreed with her. If I gave an answer like: "yeah, Dad is screwed up" she would shame me for saying anything against him because he was such a "loving father" who "worked so hard."

 

I think that my mother was/is constantly looking for empathy by using negativity and "poor me" tactics. I feel bad for her because she has no friends and family around. She has also alienated so many people by her unwavering support of any of my father's actions for so long that she lost all credibility.

 

When my father was having his affair, she asked me if I thought he was cheating (he had also been accused a couple of years before). I told her "I don't know, I am not out there and I have barely seen you guys in at least a couple of years." Then it became: "so you are saying it's possible then? How could you say that about your Dad. He has been there for you since the day you were born."

 

Frustrating.....

 

God my brain is really looping into this tonight. I had no idea a lot of this stuff was still irking me. It isn't bringing me down or anything, it is just my brain going: "Hey, yeah, wtf? That doesn't make any sense either."

 

I also haven't slept in over 30 hours now, concentration a little foggy. This what drunk typing must be like.

[Trinity2]

It sounds to me like your mom is really hurting, and never learned how to communicate properly because of that hurt.

 

I used to feel like the parent also with my mom at times:(

[dreamingoftigers]

I know, it is also so strange to watch when she just picks something as offensive and just snaps. You can't stop her, she cuts you off and just keeps going!

 

She probably thinks she is protecting herself from getting hurt. I am amazed that with both parents severe aggression problems that I don't freak on people.

 

The weird part is that with most people if you stay silent while they rant, you can eventually wait it out or try to do some reflective listening.

She can't do that. She keeps prodding you until you leave or explode. She doesn't even notice it.

[sb129]

Where does it say anything about me mentioning it to Hs parents?

 

It doesn't.

 

I wasn't talking about your Hs parents, I was talking about MY Hs parents. They are a pair of f-ups too who also refuse to acknowledge the impact their actions had on my Hs childhood.

 

Nevermind.

 

My post was about me and my situation. I have a young child and an extended family thats got lots of issues. My brother is also severely disabled as the result of an accident and the repercussions that had on my immediate family were huge. Not to mention my fathers death among other stuff AND Hs family baggage which is a whole 'nother kettle of fish.

 

My point was while I can understand your situation, I also believe that sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and get over it, especially when a new generation is involved, otherwise they may be affected as well.

 

Your mother may never admit to her shortcomings as a parent. My father didn't, and now he is dead so there is no point in me being hung up on it now.

 

I also understand how easy it is to be sensitive when you feel that your parenting skills may be being questioned, and I have decided that if I listened to everything my MIL said about how my daughter should be raised, I would be sectioned, so I am doing things my way, but quietly.

[dreamingoftigers]

It doesn't.

 

I wasn't talking about your Hs parents, I was talking about MY Hs parents. They are a pair of f-ups too who also refuse to acknowledge the impact their actions had on my Hs childhood.

 

Nevermind.

 

My post was about me and my situation. I have a young child and an extended family thats got lots of issues. My brother is also severely disabled as the result of an accident and the repercussions that had on my immediate family were huge. Not to mention my fathers death among other stuff AND Hs family baggage which is a whole 'nother kettle of fish.

 

My point was while I can understand your situation, I also believe that sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and get over it, especially when a new generation is involved, otherwise they may be affected as well.

 

Your mother may never admit to her shortcomings as a parent. My father didn't, and now he is dead so there is no point in me being hung up on it now.

 

I also understand how easy it is to be sensitive when you feel that your parenting skills may be being questioned, and I have decided that if I listened to everything my MIL said about how my daughter should be raised, I would be sectioned, so I am doing things my way, but quietly.

 

Thank you for your post. The coincidences are interesting. My father's health is actually in limbo quite often.

 

My MIL is actually my husband's grandmother.

 

Her daughter © had my husband at 16, C's father molested her as a child and she tried to run away a lot but my MIL didn't know about it and kept bringing her back. Finally she got married to my husband's father (who was 22 at the time). My H was born shortlyafter.

 

My husband's biological father left the picture (we actually only met him two years ago and the first words out of his mouth were "I heard that you might not be my kid after all, you might be my cousin's." Like, wtf? My husband was 31, you've been on the Birth Certificate and he carries your last name, you have no other family just ****ing accept him. Anyways he stayed on our facebook list, I showed him pictures of our daughter and he writes back: "How nice for you." I guess we couldn't expect much from someone so detached for 30 years.

 

Apparently on the way out the door, my husband's bio-dad dropped him at child services and he went into foster care until the age of 3. He was six months old when dropped off.

 

Later when a foster family tried to adopt him, his maternal grandmother (and grandfather, technically) stepped up and took custody of him. The grandfather resented it and beat him. My MIL threw him out. She had been abused by him for 22 years. She started her own cleaning business and grew it to 23 employees.

 

She met a new man at the Kingdom Hall when My H was 11. They got married. He is this awesome German guy. Extremely funny and sarcastic, but very strict.

 

My H was already having huge problems with my MIL. She gets completely out of control. She rages and cries and just expects people to work and work and work and have no joy whatsoever. She wouldn't allow my H to hang out with any other kids that weren't Jehovah's Witnesses (which left one in that area). She took him out of school and home schooled him, which really meant he had to work in her Bulk Food Store that she had started at the time. He was locked in his bedroom so often that he ruined the carpet by urinating in the corner. (Which she actually told me about when we went to tell her that we were engaged!! She also told me that he stole a blanket from her home. He was adamant that he didn't, but said if he did, he would just say so because he was homeless at the time. He did say that it may have been confused with his biological mother because she would come home every now and then to get clean and then disappear again. She once accused my H of stealing pain killers that she later admitted to stealing. Wtf?)

 

Finally he was taken out by social services. He was put in a foster home and had to repeat grade 6 at the age of 15. Then he left school. His foster parents taught him how to hitchhike and he simply left. My MIL wouldn't let him in her home again until he stopped being homeless because 'he smelled and no one should have to be around him in public either.'

 

My H says she has really mellowed out. I think he is right. There is no point talking to her either. We both just shrug. She tries to do the parenting push around as well, if I disagree I say that I do. She used to raise big stinks with me when she first met me, but she sees that I don't flip out or fight back with her, I just say 'no' if it is no and 'yes' if it is yes. She doesn't even push her religion on me anymore. Actually she is pretty friendly with me for the most part and thinks that I am the one that saved her son (my H).

 

My FIL liked me right from Day One. He pulled my H aside and just said "You keep her." There are a lot of parallels between my FIL's father and my own. We are actually going to be changing our last name to his. So even though he had no children at all, his 'grandchildren' will carry his last name. (even though they are step-greatgrandchildren)

 

I think it is funny the point that you made about being sectioned. My MIL is that way too. She told one of her 7 year old granddaughter's that didn't want to go to the park "You are so stupid K. You always act so stupid and if you keep it up you aren't going to have any friends at all. Who wants to be friends with a stupid person?"

 

She called me up right after to tell me about how she set K straight. (this was a couple of years ago, so bear with me, I am a little better about getting my point across.)

 

Me: 'You actually said that.'

Her:'yes she was acting like a real brat, it's about time someone said something to her don't you think?'

Me: 'If you talked to my 7 year old like that I would boot your ass. What 65 year old yells at a 7 year old that they are being stupid?"

Her: 'You don't have any children yet S.... so you don't get how bad she was being. I hope you aren't a terrible mother like B......."

 

(Usually she would rip on me for swearing but I don't think that she expected me not to support her opinion).

Whole family is nuts. I remember her sister said one day "I am the only normal one in this family." This was the woman who told me that if I really loved children that I wouldn't have gotten pregnant because they are going to drop the bomb and all the kids were going to suffer because of it, (some of them might not even have eyes!). Besides being a mother is an awful experience and she wishes she never had any of her children. (She wasn't kidding and that wasn't all). I was in such shock after she said it in front of MIL,FIL, My H that I cracked up and said "No, you're not." I felt bad afterwards but holy cow.

 

My mother also says she is the only normal one in the family. I think that if you think that you are the only normal one in your whole family, go get some help pronto.

 

About the bolded: I have committed myself to moving past these things for sure, my H as well. In fact he has a pretty good relationship with his parents. I don't really carry around a laundry list on my parents. In fact this thread is the only one going through my history in such detail. I wrote the original as a vent and sort of a point for me to see in my own personal history. I think the way I handled the situation is a vast improvement since my reactive youth.

 

My mother doesn't bother me when she wants to make suggestions about my daughter. It really, really doesn't. A lot of times I ask her opinion on things because she does have that educational background and when she works in daycare the kids love her and learn a lot. Just being her daughter sucks. She knows the principles and a lot of the lastest stuff (plus she gives my daughter toys) she just can't apply a lot of the boundaries and principles into her own life.

 

Quite frankly I know if I carry the conflict with me, my kid will be negatively affected. I did point that out in my last post. Every book on the subject says the same thing as well, that's why I packed up and left instead of having a war all-out or demanding my side be heard later on down the road. There. is. no. point. Truly, my mother needs to be medicated. I don't say that as a way to demean her, she seriously does. And she needs to stop flying off the handle at everyone. But whatever, I know that I can't change either for her, it doesn't mean I need to sit there and take her crap in front of my kid either. That is even more unhealthy.

 

I don't expect her to sit down with me and make a laundry list of her wrongdoing. I don't expect her to admit to me the whole nature of my childhood. But simply for my self-respect, I won't deny it in front of her either. If she doesn't like that I disagree, that's her problem. And I learned from last year that I can't fix her problems and even if I try, she throws me under the bus anyways. So she should do it herself and stop depending on everyone to clean up her emotional mess everytime something doesn't go her way.