Husband Self Absorbed - I'm Miserable

[befuddled11]

First of all, Samson.....I don't see the need to make this a man vs woman issue. If Kathleen were a man, and that man were posting about his wife who was being as obnoxious and rude as this guy, I'm sure we'd all say the same thing..I know I would.

 

I sense, Samson, that the reason you find her post so trivial and "just another woman b*tching about a man and letting her feelings be expressed", is because as you've implied, you can relate a lot to her husband. But it's not about the fact that he doesn't ask what book she's reading, or that he doesn't ask how her day was.....it's about how insignificant he makes her feel in general. He talks over her, one-ups her constantly, takes no interest whatsoever in her as a person...it's all that rolled into one, and all of that is admittedly causing her to feel unhappy and insignifcant. How would you feel if you were married to a woman who made you feel like you were nothing, and nothing you did or said had any value at all? Try some empathy.

 

Kathleen: I've dated a couple of guys like the one you describe, and it was horrible. There was one (the last guy, you know who I mean, FedUp LOL)......he would talk about himself and his job and his goals and his family and his this and that.....sometimes for 30 minutes straight..to the point that my head was spinning and I felt this compulsion to run from the room so that I could have a freaking break from his "me me me" ramblings.

 

Whenever I'd mention anything about myself (not that he asked), it was an instant competition and oneupmanship. If I had a story to tell, he had one better. If my family went on a vacation somewhere, his went someplace better. He would constantly cut me off, and then go on about himself. If I tried to interject, he would almost immediately have it all back toward him again, in 5 seconds flat.

 

Anytime he DID ask me how my day was, or something "chit chatty" of that nature, it was only his segue into how HIS day was.......only he wouldn't shut up, and then he'd go off onto other tangents and I would find myself hoping the phone would ring or the doorbell would ring, just so he'd shut the hell up because I was feeling dizzy already! LOL

 

I dated a similar type of guy in the past....only he was also very rude. He would "tell me" when the discussion was over, he would tell me that my feelings on something were "stupid".....he was very domineering and tried very much to control me. He was also very belittling to me, and spoke to me as if I were a child. His most annoying "habit" was if I had a legitimate concern with something in the relationship.....we'd discuss it....he'd start raising his voice and talking over me, cutting me off....and then he'd say, "look, we've discussed this enough, the topic is closed for discussion." I swear to God. I remember standing there with my jaw dropped, wondering where an arse like this came from...because I'd never known someone so rude. Needless to say, I didn't stay with him long at all.

 

Deep inside, people like this are very insecure. They are intimidated by people such as yourself who are "together", independant, intelligent, etc. They feel a sense of power and control by cutting others down. They are usually the "center of attention" types......they need to be, they need that validation and attention. The way they are is deeply engrained.......and there's no way in hell they will ever change unless they get to the place where they truly and sincerely realize they have a problem......but most are too arrogant and self-absorbed to take a good hard look at themself. They would rather twist it all around and point out others' "supposed" flaws than take a look in the mirror themself.

 

By telling him you want out, but not doing anything about it.......that's sending a message to him that his behavior really isn't "that bad"...and that all he has to do is kiss your arse for a couple of days and then he can let the good times roll again.

 

If nothing else, you should consider separating. Either him moving out, or you moving out. I'm thinking the latter would likely be easier..as he doesn't strike me as the kind of person who'd see the need to leave "HIS HOUSE."

 

I wish you the best, this type of person is hell on wheels and impossible to please or live with. Get out before you have no self esteem left at all.

[Fedup&givingup]

Amen to that post, Befuddled! Seriously, this is SOOO true. I'm thinking these types of people come from a situation where their parents doted on them every chance they could, possibly the youngest of their children. OOPS, I guess I'm resting my elbows on my pschology chair again, shame on me!

 

Anyway, these are also the type of people that are very "surfacy", meaning it is vital the image they portray to others. They have the good jobs, look good, etc. They want everyone to think they are the "good guy", "good woman". For the most part, people do think that, the ones that don't live with them, anyway. They haven't been raised to be responsible for their actions in life, either.

 

Befuddled hit the nail on the head with the "This is MY house" mentality, that's exactly their level of thinking.

 

Kathleen, you're a smart person. You know what to do, and I'm thinking it's only a matter of time before you do it.

 

Samson, I think Befuddled nailed your butt to the wall. It's fun and all to play devils advocate, but GET REAL here. The writing is on the wall.

[Samson]

Yeah, the writing is "on the wall."

 

Kathleen needs to get a life.

 

Sadly, it seems this may not happen while married. Her fault or his?

 

An intelligent woman, it would seem, would be able to make both her life and marriage work and within the given description of her marriage, and herself, I'm confident K can do this. I'm astonished I'm the only one who has this level of confidence in Kathleen.

[soserious1]

Originally posted by Samson

Yeah, the writing is "on the wall."

 

Kathleen needs to get a life.

 

Sadly, it seems this may not happen while married. Her fault or his?

 

An intelligent woman, it would seem, would be able to make both her life and marriage work and within the given description of her marriage, and herself, I'm confident K can do this. I'm astonished I'm the only one who has this level of confidence in Kathleen.

 

Perhaps she's a person who evaluates the work involved in any given situation versus the potential reward and has decided that staying married to this guy isn't worth the work involved.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by Samson

An intelligent woman, it would seem, would be able to make both her life and marriage work and within the given description of her marriage, and herself, I'm confident K can do this. I'm astonished I'm the only one who has this level of confidence in Kathleen.

 

ONE person cannot make a marriage work since marriage involves TWO people who are each in control of him/herself. Or are you suggesting that Kathleen become completely controlling and manipulative to make her marriage "work"? Samson, I think you are being intentionally obtuse. I doubt that you practice in your own marriage what you preach to Kathleen - at least, I hope not for your wife's sake.

[Arabess]

There IS something I can't figure out here. If you've only been married less than a year....how did he act when you were dating? Did he suddenly 'change' or was his attention deficit enough THEN ...but now NOW?

 

From there, you can tell if this is his basic personality or if he's lost the original interest in you.

[soserious1]

I'd also add that if they've been married less than a year that this is an excellent time to evaluate whether she wants out or not before they add more children to the mix.

 

All relationships require work but there are limits and I'd say that a marriage this new should still be in the fun,new beginnings stage,that there's this much turmoil this early is a big warning flag to me.

[Fedup&givingup]

He just sounds like the typical personality type that did what he had to win her over, and once he did...BAM! It's like he had a strategy that he used to get what he wanted, and now that he's done that....well, it's just plain as the nose on his face.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by Samson

Yeah, the writing is "on the wall."

 

Kathleen needs to get a life.

 

Sadly, it seems this may not happen while married. Her fault or his?

 

An intelligent woman, it would seem, would be able to make both her life and marriage work and within the given description of her marriage, and herself, I'm confident K can do this. I'm astonished I'm the only one who has this level of confidence in Kathleen.

 

An intelligent woman knows a jack a$$ like this when she sees one and also realizes that it's not her fault he's like this. An intelligent woman knows she can't change someone else. It's clear Samson, that Kathleen has tried to communicate her feelings about the matter with her husband.

 

Kathleen had a life. Kathleen will have a life when she loses this dud.

 

I don't see that you've got any confidence in Kathleen, Samson...only belittling and doubting. You are coming across just like her husband.

[Samson]

I suppose I shouldn't be as supportive as Fedup?

 

K has all the makings of a great person AND a great wife. This guys rough spots are nothing she cannot handle.

[kamajerchin]

You need to get out of this marriage and don't look back.

 

Your story sounds like an identical re-run of what my life has been like for the last 4 and a half years.

 

I had been sigle for 10 years and was doing well on my own, have a great career, 2 fabulous daughters, owned a nice home, etc. I met my husband though a client, they were fraternity brothers. Long story short, I got swept off my feet, I had never been treated with so much attention, he was handsome, charming and always there for me. When he held up the pedestal I jumped right on it. I could not do enough for this man in return for how he was so attentive and caring.

 

Then a couple of red flags went up, like he started wanting me to account for anytime we were not together, down to if I had been shopping he wanted to see times on receipts to prove I was at the mall. He would interrogate me about my work day, what time did I start?, who did I see?, where did I go for lunch?, what did I eat?, who did I sit by?, how long was I at the restaurant, who drove the car?, where did I sit in the car?, need I go on. When I took offense to this he would either accuse me of hiding something or say I wasn't interested in sharing with him or having a conversation.

 

We were going to wait to marry for 2 years, I maintaining my home because I had a teenage daughter that he did not get along with. We decided that when she got out of High School (she was a junior) we would sell my house and I would move to his. She decided to move to her father's because she did not like my husband so once she did that the wedding date was moved up by a year, I still to this day feel that if I would have had that year I would have never gotten married.

 

From the day I married him everything changed, it has gotten worse and worse until I finally went to an Attorney this week and I am filing for a divorce. The mental and verbal abuse that I have taken from this man is ridiculous, he does not think he has a problem, therefore, he will never get hel and I have realized that I can't help him. In some ways it would have been easier if he had just hit me, then I would have walked away, but make no mistake about it, these type of guy's are smart enough not to abuse physically, they are much worse, they destroy your confidence and self-esteem because they are insecure. It is sad, but you can take care of yourself and I hope you will.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by Samson

I suppose I shouldn't be as supportive as Fedup?

 

K has all the makings of a great person AND a great wife. This guys rough spots are nothing she cannot handle.

 

You AREN'T being supportive, period. Unfortunately men like Kathleen's husband still exist..the ol' shovanstic, egotistical, overbearing, domineering, superiority driven S.O.B.'s that think they own a woman once they have put a ring on their finger and moved them into their house. It's all about them....but, guess what, Samson? Men like that are becoming a dinosaur.

 

If that's too much for you to handle, maybe you should check your own self.

[soserious1]

Originally posted by Samson

I suppose I shouldn't be as supportive as Fedup?

 

K has all the makings of a great person AND a great wife. This guys rough spots are nothing she cannot handle.

 

The question is,why would she want to handle his "rough spots"? Sorry,they've been married less than 1 yr,they should still be enjoying each other not trying to work out huge issues.Besides guys lugging baggage in the form of a pre-existing kids aren't exactly hard to find,if I were her I'd be making 1 phone call to a counselor or to a divorce lawyer...hubby's choice.

[dyermaker]

This thread depresses me, honestly. I hear what both of you say on each side, and it just sickens me that someone is actually going through this. To some extent, I'm pretty sure both sides of it are projecting a little personal trauma into their interpretation of K and her husband, but I still am very saddened by the entire situation.

 

And while those still debating may feel like they're winning the debate, I don't see any winners in this thread.

 

EDIT: Yes, rereading everything, it's evident that our two boxers are struggling to make points about a relationship, by parallelling it with their own preconcieved (and unchangeable) notions. Who is the real victim here?

[Samson]

If that's too much for you to handle, maybe you should check your own self.

 

Interesting how one side resorts to the more personal tirades?

 

 

Fedup, compared to daily (hourly?) trials, I'm afraid you haven't a clue how whatever is posted on any message board compares to what I "handle."

 

Anyway, Whith the absence of response to the question about EVIDENCE regarding K's husband's "problems," it is impossible for me to conclude they are A. Significant and B. Insurmountable for a women of K's intelligence.

 

But, I've resected other's opinions, refraining from questioning their personal agendas, and will continue to do so. Obviously, denegrating the "other side' as Dyer puts it, might somehow "weaken" their position: However, I've relied on simple truth and logic, and need not resort to this activity.

 

So K, if you cannot solve the problem, then get out of the marriage. I believe you have other options to choose from before resorting to this, and believe you are capable enough to recognise them.

[lisapisa]

If you can't just walk out right now, start going to counseling on your own, secretly if you must. Build up the courage to either work on him or with him or the courage to leave. I hate to tell you this, but you've allowed him to treat you this way. I think all men are controlling, but when my husband even tries to pull that stuff, I nip it in the bud, hard, immediately. If you don't have a job, start looking for one. You need to get out, get involved, make some plans and at some point announce to him that he can work with you or say goodby. And stand by your threat. One threat only. Then act.

 

Divorce is hard, but being lonely in a marriage is much, much, much worse.

 

You sound intelligent. Don't be his victim.

[DebraLee]

Sounds like you and I have a lot in common with our new husbands.

I'm so confused as to what to do anymore.

I wonder at times if this relationship was based upon all that I could do for him and his children. Was he just looking for a submissive caregiver. Someone who would run the house the kids and bills etc. and all he has to worry about is his job.

He works in construction and I realize that his job is physically demanding but mine is like emotionally and physically demanding. I didn't pick his job or career for him. I have repeatedly tried to get him interested in doing something else but with no interest to him.

I didn't expect that I would have all the rest of the reponsibilities. Of course now he NEEDS me to go to work. HA I can't imagine what life will be like then.

Now his 2 daughters are moving in with us. What else is going to add to my load before I totally loose control over everything and go buzerkers?