Can my seperated wife just come and go?

[hensley258]

My wife abandond the house we bought together and for the last 3 months I am making all the payments to keep it going. Her name is still on the title and loan. (can't get her off because I can't refinance)

 

She has a nice stove and fridge that stayed in the house after she abandond that she purchased on her credit.

 

Now she is getting evil and wanting to take both from the home I live in.

I changed the locks, but logic tells me she could easily kick the door in with no legal problems because her name is also on the house.

 

Can she do all of this with no legal action against her?

[tobydog1]

Well, mine abandoned me and his son. He has tried to come and get things but I had to get the locks changed. As he went and as I own the house I am entitled to do that.

Big mistake them doing that....it gives them much less leverage in the future.

I don't know if you own the house jointly, this will make all the difference.

 

Plus my stbx left me in massive debt which will impact upon his registration of interest too.

 

So actually, I am going to be glad the way he left us....When he gets nothing!

Hope you will be too

Dx

[sally4sara]

I read this and wonder about how crappy your doors must be for a women to be able to just show up and kick one in. Sounds like you're at risk for burglary.

 

In fact, if I were going through what you are going through with your wife and I had such faulty doors, I'd worry about "her" property getting stolen while you're out. What if "someone" , broke in and "stole" the fridge, stove, and any other item your wife might want? Well you'd just HAVE to get better doors and locks then wouldn't you? And any item replaced would have to be purchased by you since your wife can't see to staying put where her home and possessions reside well enough to ensure they don't disappear while in your care.

 

Look into the laws of your state to make sure if "someone" burgled you, you won't be responsible for replacing items stolen TO HER first.

[hensley258]

I read this and wonder about how crappy your doors must be for a women to be able to just show up and kick one in. Sounds like you're at risk for burglary.

 

In fact, if I were going through what you are going through with your wife and I had such faulty doors, I'd worry about "her" property getting stolen while you're out. What if "someone" , broke in and "stole" the fridge, stove, and any other item your wife might want? Well you'd just HAVE to get better doors and locks then wouldn't you? And any item replaced would have to be purchased by you since your wife can't see to staying put where her home and possessions reside well enough to ensure they don't disappear while in your care.

 

Look into the laws of your state to make sure if "someone" burgled you, you won't be responsible for replacing items stolen TO HER first.

 

No she would just have her boyfriend kick the door in. If any questions were asked then she would simply say she did it thus eliminating him from any wrong doing. Even with good dead bolt it's not that hard to kick a door in. Most are just pine wood which gives way pretty easy.

 

Or I guess she could just call the police and they would let her remove such large items from the house if she has the receipt with her name on it.

 

I want to be divorced so bad from this cheater, but I'm so screwed. I have no money for a Lawer so I am stuck being married to her with no structure for my child. At this rate I will never get rid of this nut job.

The other day I was nice enough to fix a leaking pipe in her house and found 2 grams of Pot in her kitchen. She never smoked weed before. Now my child is around this crap and I can't do squat. Picture wouldn't even do any good because she could just say in court that I put it there.

 

I was also told that her rapid abandonment and affare would not even be taken into consideration in court anyway so no favor in that area would be given to me.

Edited January 4, 2011 by hensley258

[sally4sara]

Did you let her know you found the drugs?

 

Unfortunately sometimes you have to be less than above board to see people lacking in integrity face their consequences of taking advantage of your own situation. Why are you pulling handyman duty for her?!? if you're not going to take advantage right back over any illegal activity it makes you privy to?

 

I'd have said nothing about finding the drugs and immediately reported in to the cops on where to find them. A drug charge against her could reflect on her character in court. And the hassle of charges for possessing drugs, time in court, the cost of an attorney, and the penalty fine will cut into her divorce expense budget.

 

She is making herself the enemy; time to start treating her like one.

[hensley258]

i want full custody of my daughter, but upon talking with some co-workers they told me I would have a better chance melting ice in the arctic with no fire.

 

I hate that how they always give custody to the woman almost by default. Who decided that was fair and just? She gets to cheat and leave our family home and I get only visitation and child support. WTF is that all about?

 

I did ask her about the pot. She said since she left she started smoking to relax. Sure would love to have that recoded. It's a he said she said issue at this point and not even worth bringing up.

 

Wish i could get a lawer. I may be married to this fruit cake for life.

[Eye of Hourus]

Hensley,

 

Time to study up on divorce in your state. In many cases you can start the documentation yourself, if not file for divorce and get temporary orders. In particular, you may be able to apply for exclusive posession of the matrimonial home . Amd reinforce the custody arrangements you have currently with your daughter. Your stbx moved out and effectively abandonned the home, your daughter and this should be all the argument you need to claim exclusive posession of home and custody of daughter.

 

Regarding the appliances, if you get exclusive posession your stbx cannot flit in and out of the house (tresspassing).

 

The appliances, if purchased during your marriage are assets/liabilities of the marriage and thier disposal should be part of your property settlement as indeed will be the house.

 

This is why it is so important to get the ball rolling with the divorce.

 

Please check out "father's rights" organisations in your area. They can be a great source of free information on how to get the best out of your current situation.

 

Good Luck!

 

The Eye

 

“Win as if you were used to it, lose as if you enjoyed it for a change." -Ralph Waldo Emmerson

Edited January 4, 2011 by Eye of Hourus
clarity

[sally4sara]

i want full custody of my daughter, but upon talking with some co-workers they told me I would have a better chance melting ice in the arctic with no fire.

 

I hate that how they always give custody to the woman almost by default. Who decided that was fair and just? She gets to cheat and leave our family home and I get only visitation and child support. WTF is that all about?

 

I did ask her about the pot. She said since she left she started smoking to relax. Sure would love to have that recoded. It's a he said she said issue at this point and not even worth bringing up.

 

Wish i could get a lawer. I may be married to this fruit cake for life.

 

Unless you're in Illinois, it isn't impossible to get custody of your daughter. Especially if your wife gets a drug charge slapped on her. Looking at it as if there isn't much you can do or something "isn't worth it" will have you getting not much. Look around your area for single father support groups. They can direct you to legal aide and lawyers who can help via long term payment plans or free legal work. Don't take this lying down just because you've heard some horror stories. Doing that will only have you ending up another horror story.

[Woggle]

I would get a pitbull divorce lawyer and be prepared to fight dirty. A man can win but you have to get past the gentleman instinct and start treating as the war that it is.

[carhill]

OP, you can make motions for certain aspects of relief in your initial divorce filing. In my state, there is both a court web site which details the process and provides forms which can be printed and filled in or filled out online and then printed, as well as a 'self-help' desk at the courthouse designed to assist petitioners/respondents with the details of the process, absent legal advice. This is all free of charge. We even had a local law school mediate and prepare the MSA at no charge. Then, pay a lawyer to look at it and file it and done. With children, it will be more complex but there is still plenty of help out there and programs to assist with fee relief.

 

Time for you to get proactive. Arm yourself with knowledge and act. Knowledge helps you do things legally and understand the consequences if you choose to act in an illegal manner. Sometimes you need to do that. Pays to know the risks.

 

Good luck

[vtbrokenhearted]

Start reading up on the laws. I found information on our states judiciary website, printed off all of the forms and began filling them out myself knowing that I don't have a ton of money to spend on an attorney either. After a couple of weeks and a lot of time spent on the paperwork, I went to a lawyer because I was just so overwhelmed by emotions and just plain tired, confused and overwhelmed. Even though I'm worried about money, I'm so glad I contacted the attorney. My stbx just got an attorney(his parents have payed for his services), and as my attorney has told me, his is representing himself in a very viscous, aggressive way. My stbx has contested the annulment and is telling me I can't put the house on the market. Because of his refusal to cooperate, I am very, very glad I have an attorney myself.

 

My husband just up and abandoned me and the house as well. He's also trying to tell me he needs to get back in the house. He's given me money for the first two months he was gone, but I just recently found out that none of it came from his pay, but from joint savings he took when he left. To me it feels like he's not taking any responsibility, just giving my savings back to me. He thinks since the house is his too, he should be able to come back and do laundry, take showers, and get his things, mostly sporting, when he wants to. Lucky for me, he "lost" his key about a month after he left. Now he's threatening to call a locksmith and have a key made for himself.

 

It's scary not knowing. I also understand when you say that, from your understanding, it doesn't necessarily put you in a better situation just because she's abandoned you and everything else. I've been told that too. I'm hoping that it will make my case stronger, but there are no guarantees.

 

It sucks, I totally hear you. Educate yourself. It's very, very important. The most important thing that anyone has told me so far, is to keep a record of everything. Keep a notebook and record every time you have contact with her, things she says, things you say (even though they may be charged with emotion and you might not have meant them) bills and how much she owes, what she's paid, etc and stay organized. Right now, my stbx's attorney is insisting to have documents regarding finances and luckily I'm an organized person.

 

Good luck. As everyone has said to me on here, things will get better. For me, they've already begun getting better, and I'm extremely proud of myself. Belief in yourself is the beginning.

[Steadfast]

Hopefully I'm not stepping out of line here when I ask those who take the time to respond to please read the post first. Hensley clearly stated that he can't afford a lawyer (which is brutally expensive) yet he gets advice to hire a bulldog, etc. Again, not my job, but he's frustrated enough. Agree?

 

Hensley, you do not need to hire a lawyer to divorce your wife. There are various options; I looked in the yellow pages and hired a licensed paralegal to processes the documents. For $800 she wrote the divorce (per my instruction, including custody) made some concessions after my meeting with my wife, then filed it. I'll leave out the drama that surrounded certain parts of getting it done (including her reluctance to sign) but even in her cheater's fog I managed to convince her that we'd be better off keeping our money and agreeing to a settlement on our own. That's basically what the lawyer would do anyway. We simply eliminated the middle man.

 

As for the rest, why not just level with her? It amazes me the bravado some suggest (probably in an effort to 'crush' the stbx) when all that's usually needed is some straight talk to clear the air. As for the house, remind her that she left, and since you and your child need a kitchen to prepare food she'll have to wait until you're able to buy more. If she pushes it, tell her to call the sheriff. I'm 99% sure once she goes down THAT road (she would not like law enforcement's response to her petty request) she'll realize you can't be pushed around. For you, that's one less bullet in her chamber to threaten you with. Be fair, be calm, but strong.

 

No matter what the situation, it is best to put away 'airs' and just be honest. That includes the divorce, the child, your once shared belongings and your future. Why put on a front? Now that you have decided to move on and start over, you'll be much better at both recognizing and dodging her vindictive, controlling bull****. Heck, my ex (three-years removed) tried yet another guilt trip over her lack of finances today! My response? "I'm sorry you're having problems. I'd be more inclined to help if you payed child support. I'll take a look at my bank book and get back to you."

 

One step, one hurdle at a time Hensley. You'll get through this.

[vtbrokenhearted]

Steadfast- I think it's amazing that your wife sat and talked with you in order to settle things in a reasonable way. I'm jealous and now wondering if maybe soon, my stbx will be able to do that. I've been calm and reasonable for the majority of the past two months and have asked in the past two weeks if he could just sit and discuss things in order to save money, but he's refused. I admit I was extremely hurt and angry the first month, and, yes, into the second month, but I've admitted that to him too and have expressed my regret. Were you separated for a long time before she was able to do that? My husband left three months ago just like Hensley's wife did. I'm wondering if time is a factor because our SO's both seem to be angry. It would be great if what happened for you would happen for Hensley and me and anyone else out there who's experiencing something similar, but I don't know if it's really possible.

 

How did you convince her?

[trippi1432]

Hensley, I will give you the same advice that I got (and similar to Sally4Sara)....time to split the marital assets....most states are 50/50. Find someone (you can trust) to "purchase" those items for a penny on the dollar and give her the fair share. In the mean time, you "buy" them back for even less...sly transaction I know.

 

My exH did the same thing...stated he was coming over with a truck to collect his "belongings"....my attorney told me to call the sheriff and document the house contents as well. Take pictures of everything in your home ASAP!! You will need this later even if you do your own filing as Steadfast recommends.

 

I hate to refer to it as war because somewhere in the midst of it all was a marriage, but I would have to also say do not let her threaten you. If the situation calls for the greater good of your child, then do what is right in your heart for your daughter.

 

In the meantime, if you can prove that she has another address (piece of mail of hers showing that new address with a date stamp) then that puts the items into your possession....in most states, possession is 9/10's of the law. I don't think that TN would be any different, but you could probably look that up as I could be wrong.

 

Lastly, let her drama be HER drama...most likely, this is a "response" attack.

[Steadfast]

It didn't go like that. We didn't sit down until after she received her divorce papers in the mail. Then, she was forced to do it. She was worried because I went for everything. Full custody, the home and all of my junk.

 

We came to an agreement on the custody, but that only saved her some face and money. She had/has little interest is spending time with the kids. It was a hard adjustment for them but being older they grew to accept and be thankful that they had one reliable parent. Since then, she's paid next to nothing in CS. I hear the State will eventually discover this through her tax documents, and when they do the sh*t will again hit the fan.

 

Not my problem. There is TONS more to the story, but don't want to hijack.

 

Residency is a biggie with the courts. The longer you keep the child with you, the farther it goes with the courts.

[seibert253]

Depending on the state, to me it sounds like you have good cause for an emergency custody judgement from the court.

Based upon your W's abandonment, and the fact you found illegal narcotics in her new residence.

It also sound like you have excellent grounds for divorce and 100% custody.

Since each state's laws vary, you need legal advise from an attorney who specializes in Divorce and Child Custody issues.

 

Most juridictions have free or reduced cost legal aid agencies. You need to research this and take advantage of it.

 

A good way to assist is to contact your local Child Protective Services, and report what has occurred, what you found, and your desire she not have contact with your child. They can help and steer you in the right direction.

[carhill]

In Cali, CPS has some pretty broad and autonomous powers. I'd suggest getting some legal advice *before* contacting CPS. I've seen a number of cases locally, some with friends, where children are removed from both parent's custody while CPS sorts out who done what. As I often opine, once the government gets in your face, it's exceedingly difficult to make them go away. They have lots of time and a taxpayer budget.

 

Such methods have their place, but be sure of the risks before embarking upon them.

 

OP, I can share with you that, even though our marital home had been in my name for many years prior to marriage, had I 'locked out' my wife (now exW) prior to formal legal action being taken to separate/divorce, she would have had legal recourse against me due to the home being our marital domicile. It would have been a risk I would have managed with my lawyer's advice, if so deemed necessary. I would have not deemed it necessary over a stove and fridge, both of which can be replaced with used items for little money, or provided by friends. In my case, I merely bought her new appliances for her new house. I kept the old ones, which were hers and new when we got married. No new locks needed.

 

Don't underestimate the value of your sanity. She will test it, repeatedly. Good luck