The Past is the Past...

[GolightlyD]

I've heard that saying and it's usually when people are trying to distance themselves from something unpleasant.

 

I have been getting more serious about a girl I have been dating. We started out very attracted to each other - very much fireworks and magic. But as that love-dream is wearing off, a nagging thought keeps surfacing: She has participated in something that I find kind of repugnant - anal sex. I have thought long about it since I found out and had strong feelings about it before I even met her and I don't think I can get past it, meaning it is a deal killer.

 

My rational side tells me that I am being ridiculous and irrational. We have spoken about it briefly - enough for me to hear what I wish I never heard. It's been slowly driving a wedge between us. I always think that talking about things solves the problem - and it usually does. But this time it caused it. Assuming that the inevitable break up occurs - how do I even say that that is the reason? That's probably not the sole reason but it's something that I can't seem to get around and should I anyway? I mean if that's where my values are and with her they're not in accord, then isn't that indicative of incompatibility?

 

Man this sucks.

[WonderingWhatIf]

Well, I guess it is indicative that there is incompatiblility, but think about it. While, I am of the same mindset of you and I could not fathom that, isn't what she did before she met you.. just that? Why don't you think you can get past it? Are there any other things about her that bother you? Have you shared your feelings with her?

[xxoo]

I always think that talking about things solves the problem - and it usually does. But this time it caused it. Assuming that the inevitable break up occurs - how do I even say that that is the reason?

 

Talking didn't cause this issue. Your hang-up is causing it.

 

What exactly bothers you about her having done that in the past?

[Lovinhimlovinher]

I don't see how what she did before she met you has anything to do with your current relationship. This is your hang up not hers and the act it's self is becoming increasingly more popular everyday. There are also some benifits to having anal sex, for both guys and girls. Check out this link for a very brief explanation.

 

 

[jenifer1972]

One's feelings are very individual and rarely change because others say the past is past or it is no big deal, get over it. My husband did this as well as threesomes and I will never be ok with him having done that in the past. Doesn't bother me if others do it, I just wish HE hadn't. Just know that it will be extremely difficult to change those feelings, even with time. Whether you can love her despite that, only you can decide.

[Distant78]

I've heard that saying and it's usually when people are trying to distance themselves from something unpleasant.

 

I have been getting more serious about a girl I have been dating. We started out very attracted to each other - very much fireworks and magic. But as that love-dream is wearing off, a nagging thought keeps surfacing: She has participated in something that I find kind of repugnant - anal sex. I have thought long about it since I found out and had strong feelings about it before I even met her and I don't think I can get past it, meaning it is a deal killer.

 

My rational side tells me that I am being ridiculous and irrational. We have spoken about it briefly - enough for me to hear what I wish I never heard. It's been slowly driving a wedge between us. I always think that talking about things solves the problem - and it usually does. But this time it caused it. Assuming that the inevitable break up occurs - how do I even say that that is the reason? That's probably not the sole reason but it's something that I can't seem to get around and should I anyway? I mean if that's where my values are and with her they're not in accord, then isn't that indicative of incompatibility?

 

Man this sucks.

 

It's totally reasonable for you to feel this way and the others are being hypocrites, acting as if they approve of everything their SO/spouse did before they met them. If you feel it's something you cannot handle, then it's perfectly fine for you to leave, rather than wasting her time and yours. You don't have to accept something you don't like regarding being with someone if you feel it's hurting you personally or going against your morals/values. I would never be with a woman who got it up the azz either.

[GolightlyD]

Thanks for your thoughts. I guess to answer the question why it bothers me, I think it's the ultimate degradation for a female. It's just not something I can stomach. I am not a huge porn fan but when I see that, it's never a turn on.

 

I don't think that others are being hypocrites. Some can handle it, some can bury it, some can't. I am in this latter category after deeply thinking of it in these past few days.

 

My dilemma is partly this: I figure if I am going to break up with someone, I feel like I must give a reason. I really don't know if I must and if I am not asked, I would never just volunteer something, but I really can't see myself as being able to say that is the reason.

 

And to be more open with my thoughts and feelings, it's not that I think she is a bad person, there is just something about that that conflicts with the idea of "wife" to me and I can't seem to reconcile them. To be honest, I would want to hear a woman say that she would never do such a thing - the same way she enjoys hearing me say that I am always a gentleman to a female or something along those lines.

 

I have spoken to her a little (before) and the conversation did not go well - meaning I was hoping to hear something other than that she liked it and kind of looked forward to it again (I think). What made the conversation worse was the smile that I saw - not a huge one but enough to make me cringe so I really don't know what else to talk about or even how to talk about it. She never asked how I felt about it and I was too - I don't know the word - freaked out maybe? to volunteer my feelings. I don't think she had any idea that this would be something that a guy would detest. Perhaps a topic elsewhere - what percentage of guys think it's okay/hot/desirable, etc.

 

As for how what occurred has nothing to do with the current relationship, I completely disagree. I have lived my life in a way that I have not participated in things (and I don't just mean sexually) that have not been part of who I am. I am not an "I'll try anything once" type person. For example, I have never had a homosexual experience. (Interestingly not long ago she mentioned how she had a boyfriend who gave a guy a blow-job. She had a hard time accepting that - this just popped into my mind coincidentally...very interesting). I can imagine a similar scenario if say, I had molested a child and a person holding that against me. While that is considered abhorrent behavior I see both acts as degrees of abhorrent behavior.

[Iconoclast]

It's totally reasonable for you to feel this way and the others are being hypocrites, acting as if they approve of everything their SO/spouse did before they met them. If you feel it's something you cannot handle, then it's perfectly fine for you to leave, rather than wasting her time and yours. You don't have to accept something you don't like regarding being with someone if you feel it's hurting you personally or going against your morals/values. I would never be with a woman who got it up the azz either.

 

While I totally agree with this. Anal is pretty darn commonplace these days. So you do come off a bit extreme. Just some words of wisdom, as you age if you follow the path that most do you'll experiment to keep it fun and fresh, and anal is a whole new realm of fun. Once you get past the OMG poop was here, it's all uphill.

[TigerCub]

I can imagine a similar scenario if say, I had molested a child and a person holding that against me. While that is considered abhorrent behavior I see both acts as degrees of abhorrent behavior.

 

Really? You're comparing having anal sex to molesting a child?!!!

That's insane. 1 act is done by consenting adults, while the other abuses a child that has no say over the act.

 

Just the fact that you would equate those 2 acts speaks to how limited your view is.

 

You said it yourself, you're not the "I'll try anything once" kinda person, she obviously is. That's why you guys should break up, because she'll get bored with your vanilla brand sex soon enough.

 

As far as not knowing what to tell her as your reason for breaking up. I think you should be honest, why lie to her at the end. She was honest with you, so you at least owe her your honesty.

[xxoo]

I can imagine a similar scenario if say, I had molested a child and a person holding that against me. While that is considered abhorrent behavior I see both acts as degrees of abhorrent behavior.

 

Instead of comparing it to an act that is predatory and illegal, try comparing it to a similarly "abhorrent" consensual sex act--oral sex. In some places, both are/were considered "sodomy".

 

Imagine that a gf is breaking up with you because you've engaged in and enjoyed oral sex in the past, and hope to enjoy it again--possibly with her. She just can't get past that, as she believes it is a very degrading act. Now that she knows you've done that, she can't see you as "husband" material.

 

How would you feel? You'd probably feel judged, but also be judging her for being "prudish". You might also feel relieved to have "dodged a bullet", and want to move on to someone whose sexual attitudes are more aligned with your own.

 

Do her a favor and be honest. Just don't try to convince her that anal is degrading to her. That will be about as successful and wecome as someone trying to convince you that oral is degrading (which some people honestly believe).

[GolightlyD]

Really? You're comparing having anal sex to molesting a child?!!!

That's insane. 1 act is done by consenting adults, while the other abuses a child that has no say over the act.

 

Just the fact that you would equate those 2 acts speaks to how limited your view is.

 

You said it yourself, you're not the "I'll try anything once" kinda person, she obviously is. That's why you guys should break up, because she'll get bored with your vanilla brand sex soon enough.

 

As far as not knowing what to tell her as your reason for breaking up. I think you should be honest, why lie to her at the end. She was honest with you, so you at least owe her your honesty.

 

Please re-read my post. I am not comparing the two. I was only using it as an example of something in someone's past that could be an issue. It's not a great example - I was just throwing something out there as a quick example late at night and I am not comparing the two beyond making that point. Your somewhat irrational reaction reduces your cred a bit, don't you think? I only meant it more along the lines of someone might accept that it was done in the past and not the present and others may not. The next post about the oral sex is a better example.

 

As far as breaking up/giving the reason, I am wondering if I must give any reason at all other than it's just not working out.

[GolightlyD]

Instead of comparing it to an act that is predatory and illegal, try comparing it to a similarly "abhorrent" consensual sex act--oral sex. In some places, both are/were considered "sodomy".

 

Imagine that a gf is breaking up with you because you've engaged in and enjoyed oral sex in the past, and hope to enjoy it again--possibly with her. She just can't get past that, as she believes it is a very degrading act. Now that she knows you've done that, she can't see you as "husband" material.

 

How would you feel? You'd probably feel judged, but also be judging her for being "prudish". You might also feel relieved to have "dodged a bullet", and want to move on to someone whose sexual attitudes are more aligned with your own.

 

Do her a favor and be honest. Just don't try to convince her that anal is degrading to her. That will be about as successful and welcome as someone trying to convince you that oral is degrading (which some people honestly believe).

 

This is very good advice and I have a better view of the situation given this insightful response. If she took that position with me over say, oral sex, I would understand her point and respect it. I may feel like I dodged a bullet so again, very insightful.

 

And I completely agree - I would never want to convince her that it is degrading. I don't even want her to feel badly about it which is why I am so conflicted about this. I can accept that she (and many others) think it is great. It's just something that will enter my world. Not a vanilla guy at all. My modesty prevents me from saying anything other than that I am a very giving lover.

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

[TigerCub]

Please re-read my post. I am not comparing the two. I was only using it as an example of something in someone's past that could be an issue. It's not a great example - I was just throwing something out there as a quick example late at night and I am not comparing the two beyond making that point. Your somewhat irrational reaction reduces your cred a bit, don't you think? I only meant it more along the lines of someone might accept that it was done in the past and not the present and others may not. The next post about the oral sex is a better example.

 

No, I totally understand what you're saying, but "it was done in the past" is hardly ever used to most people to get over the fact that their significant other molested a child, or raped someone in the past. Most people still don't get over something like that and just say "oh, it was done in the past, I'll get over it" - that's why I didn't see that example as useful.

 

hehe, whether you think I have credibility or not, that's your business.

I just thought it was a very poor example, and you seem to even agree with that...

 

As far as breaking up/giving the reason, I am wondering if I must give any reason at all other than it's just not working out.

Don't you think she's gonna ask you why you think its just not working out?

Why are you so afraid to tell her the truth?

I do realize that breaking up with someone is always awkward, but if she asks you, why can't you just tell her? Do you think it makes YOU look bad or judgmental? Or is it something else?

[GolightlyD]

Just the fact that you would equate those 2 acts speaks to how limited your view is.

 

For the record, I did not equate the two.

 

She may think that I am being judgmental if I explain my reasoning. It's not the sole basis but it's kind of the deal killer. And maybe I am being judgmental. The reluctance is partly because I don't think she'll understand me and my feelings about it and partly the fear of her just thinking I am being ridiculous. I doubt she could ever understand why this is so deep seated in me. But I also don't want someone to have to question what they can't change. But she did intimate that her boyfriend who had given a guy a BJ (before they met) had an effect on her. I will have to think more about this.

 

As a digression, here's something else that perhaps makes this thread inaccurately titled. While this was done in her past, she has in a sense ratified it and made it part of the present by her views about it and comments to me. A few years ago I had a very close relationship with a woman whom I really wanted to marry. And frankly she had had anal sex (non-consenting) and it was a very sore topic with her (levity really is inappropriate here, sorry). I was very empathetic with her pain in this regard and I would like to think that I helped ease her pain over it. Interesting the comparison between the two.

[jenifer1972]

When picking a romantic life partner you are entitled to use any criteria that you want. You could stop dating someone because they had red hair or snored. That is your right. Doesn't mean they are a bad person, you just don't care to live with it. Personally, I would not use anal as the reason specifically. I would say something more general about compatability and views on issues. Don't make her feel bad for being honest about something she can't change. We all do this every day with people as we sort out whom we want in our inner circle and whom we don't.

[Duckduckgoose]

Trying something once and continuously doing it are two different things.

 

Just because she tried it doesn't mean she liked it. If she's not interested in doing it with you because she either didn't like it or she knows you are uncomfortable with it I would take it as that.

 

I've done things I would never do again, and if someone chose to break up with me because I was adventurous in the past I would be upset but it is what it is.

 

Surely you've done things when you are younger that you probably wouldn't do again today, like jump a bike over a car and break both arms maybe?

 

It was stupid but does it warrant someone dumping you for it?

 

I would not ignore this issue if it bothers you, but as long as she respects your views on it, and does not pressure you to try it I would let it slide.

 

But if you are really looking for a reason to dump this girl, well you got one

[GolightlyD]

Trying something once and continuously doing it are two different things.

 

Just because she tried it doesn't mean she liked it. If she's not interested in doing it with you because she either didn't like it or she knows you are uncomfortable with it I would take it as that.(

 

Agreed, but her tone and expression spoke volumes. She was into it and she was taking kind of a "don't knock it till you try it" tone when we talked about it. I was so broadsided at the time - never spoke with a female who was into that - that I just didn't know how to respond or what to say and she has never asked my opinion. I think she's sensed since then that I am more conservative in that way (not to say I am a prude, either) and I think that she would be interested in doing it with me if I suggested it. The point being that if she mentioned it with some sort of tone or regret, it surely would have a different impact on me. But she kind of just volunteered the information, I guess thinking that all guys would want to hear that....but yikes.

Edited January 15, 2011 by GolightlyD

[Iconoclast]

You're too sexually conservative for her (nothing wrong with that). That will lead to problems. Just break up with her. No need to say why, may make her feel bad for doing something that's no big deal.

[Duckduckgoose]

You should at least tell her why you are breaking up with her. Too many people get dumped and don't know why which causes issues for them in the future... they don't know what they did wrong.

 

Just tell her you are not comfortable doing some of the sexual things she is into and you never will be. You want her to be able to find someone who is into what she likes and you can find someone who is more compatible with your tastes.

 

She will be happy for you telling the truth in the future.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I've heard that saying and it's usually when people are trying to distance themselves from something unpleasant.

 

I have been getting more serious about a girl I have been dating. We started out very attracted to each other - very much fireworks and magic. But as that love-dream is wearing off, a nagging thought keeps surfacing: She has participated in something that I find kind of repugnant - anal sex. I have thought long about it since I found out and had strong feelings about it before I even met her and I don't think I can get past it, meaning it is a deal killer.

 

My rational side tells me that I am being ridiculous and irrational. We have spoken about it briefly - enough for me to hear what I wish I never heard. It's been slowly driving a wedge between us. I always think that talking about things solves the problem - and it usually does. But this time it caused it. Assuming that the inevitable break up occurs - how do I even say that that is the reason? That's probably not the sole reason but it's something that I can't seem to get around and should I anyway? I mean if that's where my values are and with her they're not in accord, then isn't that indicative of incompatibility?

 

Man this sucks.

 

Personally I think this is an immature reason to break up with someone..but do it if you REALLY can't deal with it!

I can see if its something she's been asking from you..but it doesn't sound like it. In either case..she can't erase her past. She trusted you with her past experiences and now its about to blow up in her face! Way to make a girl feel good! LOL

 

I'm sure her next boyfriend won't mind though..and when she explains the reason for you break up..I'm sure they will have a hoot!

 

Just my 2 cents!

[Billy_Boy]

Break up with her immediately, you are wasting her time and blocking her from the right guy, who wont judge her for completely normal stuff. I dont like Anal either, but I wouldn't throw someone I liked a lot away because they did it one time.

 

The problem with apply such rigid standards to your life is that you will find you are probably going to get left behind a lot of people. And for what?

[Billy_Boy]

Agreed, but her tone and expression spoke volumes. She was into it and she was taking kind of a "don't knock it till you try it" tone when we talked about it. I was so broadsided at the time - never spoke with a female who was into that - that I just didn't know how to respond or what to say and she has never asked my opinion. I think she's sensed since then that I am more conservative in that way (not to say I am a prude, either) and I think that she would be interested in doing it with me if I suggested it. The point being that if she mentioned it with some sort of tone or regret, it surely would have a different impact on me. But she kind of just volunteered the information, I guess thinking that all guys would want to hear that....but yikes.

 

Why should she be regretful, I dont comprehend, it sounds like you want her to be ashamed of anything she did in the past that didnt involve you. Is your ego so fragile?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Why should she be regretful, I dont comprehend, it sounds like you want her to be ashamed of anything she did in the past that didnt involve you. Is your ego so fragile?[/QUOTE]

 

I would have to agree with this. How can you judge someone on something like this!? Definate a fragile ego! So what its disgusting. So what your not into it. She's not asking you for it.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

too....

 

To be so bothered says you need to take a look at yourself and the issues you harbour. We are not talking swinging, or repugnant acts that border on on criminal...... Anal for the majority of males would be an exciting prospect, not a deal breaker.....

 

Break-up and let her find someone who shares a healthier view of sex then you.

[GolightlyD]

Your opinions are heard but it doesn't seem like you have read the entire post. For example, Billy, why do you assume that it was a one time thing? And why do you assume that she is not asking me for it now or in the future?

 

And while you might characterize my views as unhealthy, that is a myopic opinion. I personally view anal sex as degrading to women (I have other issues with it) and you should try to be open to the idea that your views aren't the only perspective on something. I am not telling you that you should find it that way or telling you that your view of accepting it is wrong. It's just where I am personally. I have thought long and deep about this and it is something that is contrary to my inner values. Just because you find it acceptable doesn't mean I am unhealthy. I find bukkake degrading also, does that make me unhealthy too? I have no desire to participate in sex with a guy, am I unhealthy because of that too?