WonderingWhatIf Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I was wondering what everyone thought of this situation. My first cousin is very close to me, and we confide in each other quite a bit. He has confided in my regarding some issues that he has in his marriage, and I wondering what everyone thought of this. He and his wife have been married about 13 years. He stated that the last time that they have had sex was in April of this past year, and that they have had really long periods of time where they were not intimate before that. Now, he is upset by this and has talked to her about it on several occasions. She states that because she is a little overweight that she does not want him to see her naked. But, she admits that she masterbates to satisfy her sexual needs. (that is the net of the conversation that he relayed to me). He stated that he has tried to make her feel at ease, but he doesn't know what else to do. She refuses him when he wants to be intimate. He feels like they are just roommates or friends raising their children. I suggested counseling, but he stated that they have already been to marriage counseling. I thought maybe a sexual therapist would be in order. But, he says that she is not willing. Gosh! Any ideas! I am at a loss. I have suggested trying to "date" her to make her feel desirable. He stated that they recently went to dinner and a movie and even stopped for a drink. But, she kindly refused him when he wanted to get closer afterwards. He actually thinks that sex for her is nothing more than a release and that she is happy the way she is. He feels doomed to this and "not being happy" for the rest of his life Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Linda9999 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 He can 1) keep on going the way he is and say nothing and be unhappy 2) have an affair 3) get a divorce 4) try to work it out If he wants #4, he needs to tell his wife exactly what he told you, perhaps also telling her that he does not want to continue in a relationship like this and that #3 would be the next option. She doesn't sound like she's very willing to do much here. The sinful part of me wants to suggest that he masturbate himself in the bed right beside her when she won't 'take one for the team' with him so to speak. but that probably wouldn't really help much Link to post Share on other sites
Author WonderingWhatIf Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 He has discussed it with her. But, she ended up crying and saying that she would never agree to divorce no matter what. He doesn't want to hurt her or their kids. I think she cries to get him to back down, so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 The overweight issue seems like a cop-out to me. If she has THAT many issues with her weight/appearance, she should be in individual counseling to deal with her issues so that she can have a normal life and marriage. And in the meantime, there are many ways that the two of them could enjoy sexual intimacy without her taking off her clothes. Remember how we all managed as teens? The bottom line is that she has a sex drive, but does not want to be intimate with him. She doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with him, she doesn't want him to have a sexual relationship with anyone else, but she wants to keep all the other comforts and benefits of marriage to him. Guess what? Doesn't work that way! SHe needs a wake-up call. Question for him to ask her--Do you care about me and my needs at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author WonderingWhatIf Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 The bottom line is that she has a sex drive, but does not want to be intimate with him. She doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with him, she doesn't want him to have a sexual relationship with anyone else, but she wants to keep all the other comforts and benefits of marriage to him. Guess what? Doesn't work that way! SHe needs a wake-up call. Question for him to ask her--Do you care about me and my needs at all? That is what I said to him too. I do, however, think it is very odd that she is like this. I can't imagine a woman that does have sex drive...not wanting to have sex with her husband. And, I have to agree with what he says about her being happy. I know that I am not around them all the time, but she seems happy and carefree when I am with them. I honestly think that she doesn't think anything will ever change with them. But, I agree. She needs a wake up call. He may go along with all of this for a while for the kids, but I doubt it would last forever. I can't imagine any man being able to go on like this forever. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 For all we know, she had an affair and contracted an STD, and now won't bring herself to the point of having to disclose it. The possibilities are too numerous for us to draw any firm conclusions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WonderingWhatIf Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 I don't need sex toys. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Barrsitter Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 You said "He doesn't want to hurt her or their kids. I think she cries to get him to back down, so to speak" A marriage without sex is not a marriage. It's a living arrangement between friends. Sex and intimacy in a marriage is a right (and is biblical, in case that applies here). Sex is really a result of emotional intimacy. No Sex = No Emotional Intimacy, in my view. But apart from the emotional side, a man needs sex. That's how he feels loved by his woman. Women need to wake up to this fact. This BS about "he doesn't want to hurt her"....what about your cousin???? He's hurting. Does his wife give a crap? NO! It's all about her, apparently. Your cousin should face the facts...either his wife owns up to her own seflishness or lack of love or lack of commitment and caring about your cousin and goes with him to counselling....or he walks. It's time people stood up for themselves in their marriages and figure out what they need and ask for it or get out and find someone who will give them what they need. If both parties are getting what they need, the marriage has promise. Link to post Share on other sites
Barrsitter Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 SadinTexas: RIGHT ON!!!! ESPECIALLY THE QUOTE FROM THE SANTANA SONG. AWESOME!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia1966 Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) I can't imagine a woman that does have sex drive...not wanting to have sex with her husband. I can. Has she assured him, in so many words, that he takes care of her needs (both physical and emotional) when they do have sex? Edited January 29, 2011 by Olivia1966 Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 9/10 times when sex goes in a marriage, there are other problems. Perhaps marriage counselling might not be a bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 It is necessary for the couple to work out and save their marriage. Communication is the key, and is more than just words. It is tone, gestures, and body language. There is no assurance but maybe it would help if he starts to bring back the old sweetness like chocolates and flowers. They usually help in reviving the old love. There is no way that having an affair would help. Just thought you might want to know, this site is "no follow" I've pm'd the admin's for you though, I'm sure they'll be glad to sell you some banner space for marriagepublicrecords DOT org Link to post Share on other sites
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