Living together & Healthy ideas !

[violets]

Hi Guys-

Well.. my boyfriend and I reached the point of "somethings gotta change". We've been getting into way to many arguments. Once a week.. and they last until 3 am.. then we make up at 5am.. and then we've gotten no rest and.. well.. it's wearing us down.

For the first time in our relationship he reached a snapping point and pretty much broke up with me. That was scary, because no matter how much we fought before.... he always said I was "worth it".. to get through it.. and make it together. This time wasn't like that..

Well we haven't broken up.. but I think we both know some drastic changes are in need. Even if they are "step backs" in our relationship ..... I am willing to do it to be with him.

I don't want to end this.. and he doesn't want to either.. but if we go on at all like how it has been.. it'll be over with out us even saying it.. I think we'll both just know.

 

I need help in thinking of some changes that can be made in our life. I think one thing we need right now is a focus on ourselves. I think we spend too much time together after he gets home from work. I think we depend too much on each other. I'd rather him not ask me if it's Okay that he goes to band practice after work, etc etc. I'd rather just have our own completely separate lives.. and spend more time apart.

 

But.. the draw back is .. we live together. We have a fairly small 2 bedroom apartment.. and we have a bedroom and computer room. Our computers and desks share the same room. But either way.. I feel like I am in his face as soon as he gets home.

There are these unsaid obligations to wind down together.. and it's fine telling each other our plans.. but our plans at some point in the day always need to include each other.. like "movie time". While that's great.. I don't think it should be neccessary.

 

The main point is.. I think we need to be less dependent.. have more separate lives.. but at the same time.. have a healthy living together couple relationship.

I think that might make us appreciate each other more, and not only that.. make us fight less.

 

I also decided to go to therapy to work on my emotional issues. I decided that I am really over sensitive and emotional.. and that leads to immature decisions and actions on my behalf that make our arguments worse. I think sometimes I "smother" him, and that also needs to change.

 

I thought of a few things that may be a possible idea.. some of the ideas will be a little scary or challenging..... but I'd like anyone's input:

 

+ Having separate desk/computer rooms or areas. A way to avoid having to be right "next" to each other all the time when we are home. The only bad thing about this.. is that.. we both make music on our computers, and sometimes i like to be around when he is to listen. But another option is the fact I have a laptop.. so i could just now and again move else where.

 

+ Getting a house and having a room mate or two. We've often discussed getting a house and sharing it with both our bestfriend couple. That way maybe less emphasis on us "having" to cuddle when we watch t.v will be gone.. he may feel less smothered.. and they'll be other people to converse with other than just us. Also maybe a less "married" life living together situation will be formed. Something more casual.

 

 

Anyway, I am sure there is more.

Can anyone help me out and offer some healthy ways to make this relationship work out better ?

I am going to print out all the idea's with pros and cons that i've come up with.. because i really want this to work. i am so happy with him.. and he is what i want.

i want to give it one last shot.. and really try this time.

 

thanks,

violet

[Arabess]

Why don't you consider doing something together OUTSIDE of the house?

 

Join a club, take a hobby class, take a dancing class, take up something you both have an interest in but have never tried. It opens you up for fresh communicaiton and builds the relationship in a healthy way.

[Karlise]

I think having seperate interests is a very good idea. It's important to have your own identity outside of the relationship.

 

What interested you before you met your BF? Did you have hobbies or passions? Did you collect anything? Do you have girlfriends you can spend time with?

 

Maybe you can have a girls' night out with friends or work associates. It doesn't have to be about drinking. It could be a book club, a recipe club or a crafts club! Just an excuse to get together without the boys and vent!

 

There's nothing like talking to other women who are oftentimes going through just what you are.

 

I think learning how to be around each other without feeling the need to 'cuddle' constantly is important. Romance waxes and wanes in a normal healthy relationship. THere will be times when you just feel like haning out in the same room without being romantic. You learn to trust that the romance can be revived again.....but at times you may just feel like friends. That's normal. We can't live in a constant state of high-revved passion all the time. It would be too crazy and exhausting!

[Natalie]

I think what you need is to be more independent in order not to get bored with each other. It's always the same thing coming home from work, have dinner, watch tv, be on the computer, cuddle up and go to bed. Next day, same thing. It's nice for starters, but you'll get bored after a while, it's true.

 

I suggest both of you do something for yourselves. Go to the gym 3x a week, go to school, or hang out with some friends (shopping, movies, or just invite them home and try a new recipe).

 

My boyfriend and I used to be depending on each other too much. We would do everything together etc. We didn't like the idea of having one of us out there all by ourself (insecurity). I know that idea is wrong, even though deep down inside I know I have some insecurity (I trust him, but still there's a "what if"). I still "push him away," but I explained to him why. And at first he didn't like it (he's very insecure), but I've noticed that he is getting a little loose now.

 

What I always do...I call him up when I'm away from him. Say I'm in the movies, I call him just to tell him that I miss him not being next to me. He likes that and I kind of letting him know that he can let the insecurity go. I'm to be trusted. It also makes him feel special because no matter where you are and who you are with, you are still thinking about him. I think that's an important key if you are starting this move. You don't want to be too much in whatever you're doing, and then neglect him.