How can his feelings change so quickly?

[miscel]

My boyfriend and I just had a baby together 8 months ago. We have been together for about a year. He is 10 years younger than me but we have such a wonderful time together. We have been fighting a bit off and on lately. I have been a bit moody and sensitive and havent handled things that bother me very well. I believe its post partum.

 

Just the other day I asked my boyfriend if we could talk about whats been happening. I asked him if we could work out all this fighting and that I have been a bit erratic with my behavior since the baby and that I was sorry for that but I needed to know if he was willing to try and get things back to the way they were. He said yes we could try. He tells me he loves me buts its not the same as before because of the arguing.

 

Basically the talk didnt go well after that, I was crushed to hear that he didnt feel the same. We are not together now. Can he not understand that I am still hormonal after having the baby? And Im confused about him saying that we could try to work it out and then that he doesn't know if he feels the same.

 

He has a hard time talking about what he is feeling inside. Its difficult to get anything out of him sometimes. The first time he told me he loved me was right after we had the baby. It was very hard for him, he cried when he told me. It meant so much to me when he did. Because I knew how hard it was for him to open himself up like that. (He had been cheated on and hurt pretty bad in a relationship two years before me.) Anyhow, I know he loved me very much but how can his love change so quickly?

 

Please help me. I know that we can work this out. I want so badly to be with him especially after having a new baby. I really love him and am so confused and hurt and I dont what to do to get him back.

[opentonewadvice]

He is just overwhelmed right now, things will change. I really understand the pain you feel right now because i went through the same thing about four years ago. And what i have to come to realize is that they experience some of the same things we do when having a baby except of course child birth. But they do get depressed ,anxious and nervous about how good of a dad they are going to be, and how hard things may be in the beginning. Not to mention the fact that you and the new baby will be spending a greatdeal of time together in the beginning and he probably gets a little jealous and feels left out most men do. And especially since he is a bit younger he is going to really experience those confusing feelings. My boyfriend did, and we even had to break up for awhile because it had been ruff for the both of us . But trust me he will come around just allow him a bit of space to get his thoughts right, and trust me he will turn things around and start being dad and give the support he needs to be for you right now. When he told you he loved you i believe he was telling the truth, but like i said he is overwhelmed with emotions right now. But when he does come around the two of you will have to learn to have better communication when it comes to each others feelings. And he must respect you in the process for things to truly work out..

[miscel]

That was great advice thanks. I have been doing the whole no contact policy but to what extent can I continue. We have to talk on the phone and see each other when he visits the baby. I dont know how I will be able to handle that. It would be almost easier if I didnt have to see him, I would still be hurting, but while we are not together I just know each time I have to see him will just bring me back to square one. I dont know how I should react when I do have to see him. I dont want to break down and beg him back. I refuse to do that but I might be tempted.

[miscel]

I was going over your reply again. Do you think I should sit down and write him a letter telling him I understand that he is going thru all of these things and help him feel more secure as a dad. Or would even a letter push him away or make him more frustrated?

[opentonewadvice]

Your very welcome. And yes i feel writing down your feelings to him in a letter is a great ideal. It gives you the opportunity to pour out some of your true feelings, while at the same time comforting some of the feelings he may be experiencing right now.That way you are letting him know it is ok your here for him but at the same time you need him to be there with you and the baby as a family. Because this is supposed to be a happy and joyful time to share between the two of you. Remember to keep that in mind.

[miscel]

Well I sat down and wrote him a letter. I tried to let him know that I understand his nervous and anxious feelings of being a new dad and that maybe I wasn't as supportive as I should have been. That both of us should be a little more supportive of what the other is going through. I wrote him that I also understand his feelings of feeling left out because the baby is more bonded with me, especially because I am his food source. I did tell that if he didnt respond to the letter than I would take it as a sign to move on and that I will move on. I told him I wasn't going to wait around if he truly didnt love me anymore.

 

He came over last night to drop of child support money, so I gave him the letter. I guess we will see what happens. But it is so damned hard seeing him. I know I have to so that he can visit with the baby but I am so nervous around him. It's hard not being able to hold him like I used to. Everything is so different, it's feels so wrong.

[miscel]

Please I'm dying over here will someone please advise me.

 

This is such a tough situation, I want this to work out.

 

Is he just scared and overwhelmed, really?

 

People please help me.

[opentonewadvice]

I really would not worry especially since he dropped off child support money. meaning in other words he was not so interested in just dropping that money off the real reason was to see what you wre doing and to see how evrything is going but since he is so hard headed he is using another means of hiding his true feelings once again. Like i said he is just overwhelmed and insecure . Try to bare with him atleast until the baby is born and see will he finally get over his fears, time is of the essence.

[jenny]

ok, sweetie, rise up and take stength.

 

it is possible that he may no longer want to be with you. this is the worst case scenario, and you should be prepared for it. i pray for you that this is not the case, but it could be. i'm a fan of people entering into situations completely prepared for any eventuality.

 

let's say he does not want to stay with you. you are going to be ok. 1. he will have to give you money for the child. 2. there any many agencies who can help you find access to funds and jobs, and possibly daycare when the time comes. 3. you need to see a doctor for your depression - don't feel shame - it's a trick of the body, easily remedied.

 

you have a rough road ahead of you, no matter what. look your situation fully in the face and know that you have many positive options, with or without this man. you can't change his feelings, but you can strengthen your own resolve.

 

i wish you well; keep us updated.

[zarathustra]

My best guess is that he's running --not from you--but from family responsibility. Many men, young, old, are expert at ducking parenting responsibilities. Raising a family is viewed by some men as a relentless grind, an onerous burden. They flee. I suspect his fleeing has very little to do with you, your hormones, your attractiveness as a woman. It's all about his needs, his desire to keep playing.

 

I don't know your ages. I suspect he's young. I also know he's a boyfriend, not a husband. He's both scared and playing Peter Pan. He doesn't appear to want to grow up. I don't know what you can do to get him to want to grow up. The emotional side of things in these abandonment sutuations is always dicey.

 

Legally, please do everything you can do to ensure adequate child support--even if it involves garnishing his wages.He played, he should pay.

 

I wish you the best, and please keep us informed about your situation.

[Arabess]

I'm prone to lean with jenny and zara. If he's quite a bit younger, you mentioned the 10 years, the whole FAMILY thing may not be where he wanted to be in the first place. He supported you emotionally thru the pregnancy and is not meeting his financially obligations with the baby......this does not mean he wants to continue the relationship.

 

Then again, his feelings could change as he gets the chance to think about it without all the bickering which most certainly CAN take place after a baby is born. Between the hormones and lack of sleep....females have a tough time being totally rational.

 

It's a shame for you to have to go thru this at a time when you are emotionally fragile. There really isn't any way to change or avoid it though. Try to find happiness in your new baby.....and give yourself some time to feel normal again. THEN....deal with the relationship.

 

Yeah...keep us posted as to how you are doing!

[miscel]

I had talked to him later that night when he got home and he seemed to have no problem at all talking with me. Never said, "Well I have to go." His phone kept dying out in the middle of our conversations. (He has this old phone that can't keep a charge) He even called me back to finish talking to me. He started talking to me about work and such and asked me if I was coming down the next day. (I have a b-day gift for his aunt that I had bought before the TALK) I told him I didnt know. He asked me "So what are you doing tomorrow" almost like he wanted me to come down. Then his phone finally died out permanently. So I called back and left a message telling him I could drop the stuff off while he was at work or I could wait til he got home so he could spend time with the baby. He never called to let me know, so I didnt go down there at all. It's been three days and I have not heard from him, but I haven't called him either.

 

I am having a real hard time with all of this. And yes, it is even more so taking care of a baby. I think I'll just drop the stuff off with his dad today while my ex is at work. I wanted to call him and let him know that I hope the reason he hasn't seen the baby in a week isn't because he is avoiding me. Because this baby needs his father, too. And if need be I can stay in another room while he spends time alone with the baby. I would like him to feel as comfortable as possible, so he sees the baby as much as possible. Babies have such short memories and he will not bond with his father unless they have regular time together. I feel so strongly about this that I am willing to do what I can.

 

As much as I know he loves his son, he has all of a sudden stopped readjusting his life and fits the baby in when he has time. I don't know if he is overwhelmed, scared or just feels left out, and figures "Why try?" I know that it is a big possibility that he is feeling left out and that the baby is so bonded with me more than him.

 

*This is just so damned awful. Absolutely awful. I have a twelve year old also and I had to raise him all by myself too because his father didnt want to be married anymore and he found himself someone else while I was pregnant. I didn't want to have to do this again. I wanted to have a whole family for once. And this is just life kicking me to the ground once again.

[jenny]

And this is just life kicking me to the ground once again.

 

i know you can handle this. think of about an ambivalent partner as a further burden to bear - i do hope he comes around, but even if he doesn't, you *do* have the strength and the courage to handle this alone.

 

is there a man in both your lives whom your man might listen to? somebody to sit him down and say: look, it may not be fun, it may be overwhelming, but you are a father now; it's time to step up. he does not have to be with you but he owes those children time and care. my limited understanding is that this is something that a man will better hear from another man.

 

you're right, i think, it is awful - you have my sympathy. but you also owe it to your kids not to dwell in how awful this is - and to use this situation to show yourself how strong you can be.

 

finally, do you have female friends you can turn to? we all sometimes take turns babysitting one of our friends' kid - he's such a cutie. well, no, actually he's kind of a vandalous terror, but we still love him.

[miscel]

You want to hear something ridiculous. I did talk to one of his friends who is much older than he is, and he told me that he told my ex to "Go with the flow." What kind of pathetic advice is that? OMG! I didnt say anything about it. He doesn't have any kids himself. I'm trying to think of anyone else that may be able to help. Maybe his uncle. I totally agree that he will listen to another man, but hopefully it would be one to give him better advice than this other guy. I thought he would of given him some better advice. If he listens to him, I'm sunk.

 

Had a very hard time today. I feel like crying all the time. Starting to picture him with someone else. But don't worry I don't let this get in the way of me being there for my kids. Not at all.

 

Unfortunately, I can't really get too much of a break from the baby except when he is sleeping. I breastfeed. He refuses to take a bottle. So I go where he goes, lol. No seperation for us at this point.

 

I missssss him sooo much.

[prettyangel1]

Give him some time. He is overwhelmed right now. Somes women tend to want to talk something to death, men don;t like this. So let go and let it be and just be happy!

[miscel]

So I have been really working on things the past week. I even got this eBook "how to get your ex back" and it was really working for me, not just to have hope that he would come back and be with us but also that I would be just fine if he didn't. When I talked to him I sounded happy and fine, he actually sounded down and upset. (I did however, right after we broke up, write him a letter. I told him I understood his feelings of being overwhelmed and nervous and scared. I wrote about my feelings too. I did tell him that if I didn't get a reponse to the letter I would take it as a sign to move on, and that I would move on.)

 

So I go down to his house last night so he could see the baby. He was all happy about it. When I got there I tried my hardest not to look at him with love in my eyes, I actually avoided his gaze on me. I tried to be normal and that I was doing okay. Well, he started to bring up the letter. He tells me he almost didn't read it. He told me that he does still really love me. So of course I'm thinking that he wants to give it another try. He tells me that he has been stressed and overwhelmed. That he is scared. But nothing about getting back together. I told him that he is basically just replaying the night we broke up. He said "yeah I guess you're right I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you but I guess I already have." I told him I wouldn't be staying much longer becuase I felt uncomfortable being there now. So he spent a little more time with the baby.

 

The baby was very tired and needed to nurse. So I went into his room and fed the baby, who totally passed out. I told him that he was going to let me and the baby stay the night and have his room. I didn't want to wake him up and put him in the car seat and drive all the home at 10:00 at night. He said that was fine. I had some wine and got a bit buzzed. I had to go to the store and told him to go with me. He said okay. We walked and I turned to him on the side of the street, grabbed him, kissed him with all my love (he totally kissed me back with his love too, I felt it. It was like the world just stopped all around us for that time) and I said "I believe that you love me. If you don't want to be with me anymore than fine but don't tell me you love me anymore." I started to walk off and he put his arm around me and pulled me into his chest and held me.

 

Well, dumb**** me, we ended up making love that night. And we held each other all night. This morning, he had to go to work. He kissed the baby good-bye and then looked me in the eyes and kissed me good-bye. He said he would like me to come down Sunday because his brother is coming into town and has not seen the baby.

He left and I ran out to his car poked my head in and kissed him again with all my love and he did the same back. I said good-bye.

 

Now I am back where I was in the beginning. Confused, lonely, and wanting him back so badly. I just know that it is too soon to be over. What do I do now? How do I act around him? After hearing him say he still loves me, what now? Please help me?

[Samson]

Can he not understand that I am still hormonal after having the baby?

 

I agree with you; You do seem to be more than a little "hormonal." I wonder if there's anything your Dr. might perscribe for these symptoms?

 

Furthermore, no, there is physiologically no way he understands what it is like to have a baby or whatever it means to be "hormonal" afterwards. My guess is that this lack of empathy (which is no fault of his own), combined with your erratic moods is simply scary.

 

Finally, I'll maintain this opinion despite whatever statistical evidence might be presented to support the view that this might be a symptom of an "abusive" husband or bf, who may be among the 0.07% of the population that has Narsassisitic Personality Disorder.

[miscel]

OMG!! Who is this guy giving me advice?