Alissa84 Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Over the past year, I've been developing progressively stronger feelings for one of my guy friends, and I'm trying to figure out a few things: 1) Should I tell him about it? 2) Is he even interested? and... 3) If he is interested, am I off-limits to him because he's really good friends with my ex-husband? This guy and I are pretty close but I only see him about every few months, usually at gatherings that are arranged by someone else, which makes "just letting it happen naturally" very difficult. I've been friends with this guy for several years, but he is also really good friends with my ex-husband (better friends than he is with me). (My marital separation was amicable; the ex and I still friends, he's been dating and I have no desire to be with him again.) To be honest, I've had subtle romantic feelings for this friend for years but obviously wouldn't do anthing about it because I was married. This guy and I really click. He and I recently went out with a group of friends two nights in a row, and at the end of each night ended up hanging out alone. (Usually my ex is around when I hang out with him, but this time he wasn't.) We talked about so many different things, and it felt very close and comfortable. And of course, I'm attracted to him. But I'm not sure if he knows how I feel. He is kind of shy and self-conscious, which makes me think that he could be interested but afraid of rejection. There are some things that he does that show me he may be interested: -Said that he wants to find a guy for me to date, but none he knows are good enough. -After meeting up with friends, he urged me to leave with him and continue hanging out even though I had arrived with other friends. -Told me I was hot and was shocked when I didn't believe him. But, some things make me think that he is not interested. He never calls me out of the blue. I've texted him a few times over the past year inviting him to group outings but he didn't go. Also, he is very actively trying to date a lot of different girls (usually one or two dates that don't really go anywhere) with the hope of finding a long-term relationship and I'm not one of these people that he's pursuing. Please let me know what you think! Is he holding back because of my ex? Should I tell him how I feel? I don't want to tell him if there's a high likelihood that he doesn't have feelings because I don't want to feel foolish and make things awkward. I know that there are plenty of other guys out there, but it is rare to find someone I connect with so well who is also good relationship material. I've made this as short as I could while still giving the whole story. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
shayan Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 take the risk, seriously don't let the fear of rejection stop you or your past situation stop you. Be bold, and believe things only get awkward if you let them and make them that way, it is not a crime to like someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Linkzfirst Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Well... He's your ex'husband's friend... Going out with you would most likely destroy his friendship with your ex. I know that might sound like a bonus, but if things didn't work out between you and him, he'd be left with nothing. Try to see if he's interested first before saying anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alissa84 Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Thanks so much for the replies. Linkzfirst, you made some really good points. I do not want the friendship between my ex and my friend to be ruined because I care about both of their feelings; I would feel awful if that happened. Plus, I definitely wouldn't want to be the one responsible for it. It is so hard though, because I really like this guy and we click. But I still can't read whether or not he's interested. I know he thinks I'm good looking and thinks highly of me in general because he's said so. But, I was at his house last night for a few hours after a night out with friends...we played video games on his BED for a few hours, just the two of us, and our conversation never left the friend zone. And we did not touch at all. We both had a lot of fun, though. Had to pause the game a few times because we were laughing so hard. And yes, it may sound like we're in high school, but we're just nerds in our 30s who like video games. So, I still can't tell whether he's just flat-out not interested or if he is interested but not wanting to do anything because of my ex. But at this point in time, I think that maybe it's just not meant to be due to the complexity of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodstuff Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Ill tell u straight up. Hes interested, but hes holding back due to being friends with your ex. In all honesty, if u want to be proactive, u can tell your ex u have feelings for his friend. If hes ok with it, u can make a move on the guy u like and reassure him if he freaks out by saying ur ex is fine with it. If not, finf someone else and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alissa84 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Thanks, Goodstuff. My ex actually has asked if I'm interested in the guy, and I said no because a) I didn't want to hurt his feelings and b) I didn't want the guy to find out that I was interested in him from my ex. Ugh, that would be weird! I am thinking I need to just talk to the guy...after I don't see him for awhile the feelings start to fade, but they always come rushing back when I see him again. That rollercoaster has been going on for about a year, and I don't see it stopping unless I change something. Link to post Share on other sites
Perhaps Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Yes, ask him! Link to post Share on other sites
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