Sexless Marriage

[69MarkIII]

HELP! I feel like I have tried everything and don't know where to go from here. I am 31 years old and my wife is 29. We have been together since 2001 and have been married since 2007. We used to have a very healthy sex life, but it has diminished over the years to where we are now. I'm extremely lucky if we have sex a couple times a year (I'm not joking). I have tried everything. I lost weight, put on some muscle, and made other changes to my grooming and personal appearance. Nothing. I tried the nice guy approach, doing extra things for her, kissing up so to speak, buying presents. Not so much as a glance.

 

Each time I go near her with that look in my eye I get brushed off. It used to be lame excuses like "I haven't brushed my teeth" but now it's much more brutal, like "DON'T!" and an angry scowl. Every time this happens I feel like a puppy that peed on the carpet, and a little more of my self confidence slips away. I also tried discussing it, sometimes flat out asking why she's never interested in me. She usually avoids the topic, and if that doesn't work she'll resort to anger and telling me "I don't want to get in an argument about this bullsh_t right now."

 

I have to admit I'm a little angry myself, because I don't feel she has any excuse for the way she rejects me. We don't have kids (both decided we weren't the parenting type a long time ago), we both work normal 40 hour per week jobs, and as an added bonus (for her) I do ALL of the housework. That's right, I clean, do laundry, dishes, the whole thing. All she has to do is go to work and then do whatever she wants in her spare time.

 

I've even tried the passive approach, pretending I'm not interested in the rare instances she wants to have intimacy, but I can't stand my ground and always end up giving in because I'm so sexually deprived! I don't know what to do anymore. I am not, nor will I ever be a cheater, but the lack of passion in my life is driving me crazy and blowing huge holes in the way I view myself.

[Distant78]

HELP! I feel like I have tried everything and don't know where to go from here. I am 31 years old and my wife is 29. We have been together since 2001 and have been married since 2007. We used to have a very healthy sex life, but it has diminished over the years to where we are now. I'm extremely lucky if we have sex a couple times a year (I'm not joking). I have tried everything. I lost weight, put on some muscle, and made other changes to my grooming and personal appearance. Nothing. I tried the nice guy approach, doing extra things for her, kissing up so to speak, buying presents. Not so much as a glance.

 

Each time I go near her with that look in my eye I get brushed off. It used to be lame excuses like "I haven't brushed my teeth" but now it's much more brutal, like "DON'T!" and an angry scowl. Every time this happens I feel like a puppy that peed on the carpet, and a little more of my self confidence slips away. I also tried discussing it, sometimes flat out asking why she's never interested in me. She usually avoids the topic, and if that doesn't work she'll resort to anger and telling me "I don't want to get in an argument about this bullsh_t right now."

 

I have to admit I'm a little angry myself, because I don't feel she has any excuse for the way she rejects me. We don't have kids (both decided we weren't the parenting type a long time ago), we both work normal 40 hour per week jobs, and as an added bonus (for her) I do ALL of the housework. That's right, I clean, do laundry, dishes, the whole thing. All she has to do is go to work and then do whatever she wants in her spare time.

 

I've even tried the passive approach, pretending I'm not interested in the rare instances she wants to have intimacy, but I can't stand my ground and always end up giving in because I'm so sexually deprived! I don't know what to do anymore. I am not, nor will I ever be a cheater, but the lack of passion in my life is driving me crazy and blowing huge holes in the way I view myself.

 

I would suggest counseling but I would also look out for the possibility that she may be cheating.

[69MarkIII]

She flat out WILL NOT go to counseling, because in her mind, nothing is wrong. It seems like every time I lose my patience with the situation and request a sit-down in an attempt to straighten things out, she acts like she's totally blindsided and I end up feeling like an aggressive A-hole for bringing it up.

 

As far as the cheating thing goes, that's my #1 biggest fear. I try not to let it take hold of me, because then I'd be living in constant paranoia, but it does cross my mind once in awhile.

[mark982]

for one thing, quit doing everything for her. your being a doormat, while i agree in you helping out with some house work, leave some of the other stuff for her.

[xxoo]

I also tried discussing it, sometimes flat out asking why she's never interested in me. She usually avoids the topic, and if that doesn't work she'll resort to anger and telling me "I don't want to get in an argument about this bullsh_t right now."

.

 

Don't be bullied by her anger. Stay calm and press through. Stand up to her.

 

Instead of asking why she's never interested in you, ask her "Why do you wish to be married if you aren't interested in a sexual relationship?" Take out anything personal about you, and keep the focus on her.

 

I'd give an ultimatum: marriage counseling or divorce. She doesn't think there is a problem? Give her a problem! (threat--no, promise-- of divorce if things do not change). Why would you stay in this marriage as it stands? I can understand why she stays--she has someone to do all her chores

[TigerCub]

I'd give an ultimatum: marriage counseling or divorce. She doesn't think there is a problem? Give her a problem! (threat--no, promise-- of divorce if things do not change).

 

I completely agree with this.

 

And on top of that here's what you should do:

- stop making advances towards her

- stop doing all the chores - just do your FAIR share and leave her share for her.

- start going out more, have guys nights, and just go out without her.

See how quickly she's going to get all concerned when you're all dressed up and looking good and going out a lot more often without her, AND you're not showing any interest towards sex with her.

 

I'm not one for playing games, and I'm certainly NOT suggesting you cheat on her, but if you start going out more, like you got no care in the world, and you're just leaving her be, you're looking good, and you're having a great time when you're going out - she's going to start to wonder, and she's going to start chasing you.

 

I really think its a shame that after marriage games still need to be played, but I think if you do that, she'll start coming around.

 

I think she's being such a selfish person, its ridiculous, what you have now is certainly not what you signed up for, and she's just lounging around, not making you happy, accepting your gifts and watching as you do all the chores around the house - that's ridiculous. Put a stop to it!

[kakui215]

I agree with the other posters. I've had similar problems with my wife. Even though in at least some ways it was never as extreme as your situation, it really took a toll on my own sense of self-worth, effecting just about everything in my life, including my career.

 

We married after being together for one year, and she was expecting our first child less than a year after that. By that point, I was already having serious doubts, but I kept trying to put them aside since I was so much in love with here and (thanks at least in part to my Catholic upbringing) I felt guilty about almost any desire I had relating to sex. It took me years to shed that guilt and develop a healthier attitude toward sex and it's importance in establishing & maintaining a loving, intimate relationship. I am still very much in love with her, but if we did not have children, I probably would have left her a long time ago because I know that this is not a healthy situation for me. Still, since coming to that realization a few years ago, I continually come back to the issue and ask myself if even my kids would be better off if we split up. In the meantime, however, things have gotten better with my wife, but some of the fundamental problems are still there because she refuses to talk about anything that makes her feel "uncomfortable" and won't go to counseling.

 

As for me, I've got kids so it's a lot more complicated, but as for you, you should either leave now, or do what the last poster said: give an ultimatum of marriage counseling or divorce. Even if you're still very much in love with her, you must be prepared to make good on that "promise" of divorce if she refuses counseling. That includes if she goes to counseling but refuses to speak!

[Graceful]

Sorry to hear this. We only have your side of the story, but you sound very sincere and it sounds like you have really made an effort.

 

Your wife is taking you for granted and seems to think that you are a roommate, as that's the way she is treating you. Her hostility to respond to you is very defensive so she is obviously either very uncomfortable talking about sex, or she has other issues she's not willing to discuss.

 

If there is anything you suspect about her having an affair, you should try to identify if she can really be covering her tracks.

 

You need to talk to her and not put her on the defensive. I'd rather see you sit her down, and calmly tell her how you feel. Not when she will blow you off. Not when she will walk out of the room or has some place to go.

 

Tell her what you have told us here. You got married to have a partnership with her, and that includes love and affection. You cannot survive as a roommate. Tell her that you can't go on the way you have been and ask her for answers. If she refuses to talk, I also have to suggest that you tell her you want to go to MC, and put a timeframe on your situation, not by threatening, but by telling her that you will have no choice but to turn to divorce if she doesn't put any effort in. Tell her you will gladly go to MC to salvage your marriage, but you cah't do it alone.

 

Marriages require lots of effort, work, and maintenance. She does her part, or you walk. You can't go on like this.

[NoLongerSad]

Your wife sounds hopelessly selfish.

 

No kids?

 

Cut your losses, just get divorced, find someone better to try to start over with if you can.

 

Do you really want to look down the road in five, ten, fifteen years, wishing you had gotten divorced, but never having done so, out of fear of the unknown? Ugh.

 

It sounds like she thinks of you as the maid/servant. It's funny how often guys post these stories where they're doing all the housework and the wife doesn't give them sex.

[Jack & Coke]

Hey man, sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately, I know it's one a lot of guys go through. Good news though. I have a series of e-books that some on this board have been passing around for this type of situation. Based on the dynamics of your relationship and your approach, a LOT of what you spoke on is discussed in detail in this book, and the author breaks it down in a way that makes so much sense it's scary. He talks like a regularly guy and is realistic. I really think you'll get a lot out of it, it's been a marriage saver for some that post here. It helped, me that's why I feel it's my duty to pass on the knowledge, lol.

 

If you're interested, shoot me an e-mail and I'll send them your way: [email protected].

 

If you decide you want to give it a shot, go into it with an open mind and you'll get a lot out of it.

[robf1971]

I completely agree with this.

 

And on top of that here's what you should do:

- stop making advances towards her

- stop doing all the chores - just do your FAIR share and leave her share for her.

- start going out more, have guys nights, and just go out without her.

See how quickly she's going to get all concerned when you're all dressed up and looking good and going out a lot more often without her, AND you're not showing any interest towards sex with her.

 

I'm not one for playing games, and I'm certainly NOT suggesting you cheat on her, but if you start going out more, like you got no care in the world, and you're just leaving her be, you're looking good, and you're having a great time when you're going out - she's going to start to wonder, and she's going to start chasing you.

 

I really think its a shame that after marriage games still need to be played, but I think if you do that, she'll start coming around.

 

I think she's being such a selfish person, its ridiculous, what you have now is certainly not what you signed up for, and she's just lounging around, not making you happy, accepting your gifts and watching as you do all the chores around the house - that's ridiculous. Put a stop to it!

 

Totally agree

[musemaj11]

She sees you as a doormat.

 

Try stop treating her like a princess.

[shadowofman]

Sometimes my gf says she is not interested, so I force her. And she thanks me for it.

 

Or, I would jerk off in her hair while she sleeps. Do this until she leaves you. Then get another woman that likes sex.

[Sparty97]

Hire a private detective...I think she's cheating.

[Duckduckgoose]

If she's not getting it from you she's probably getting it from someone else.

 

Get a PI.

 

Sorry but if a man was working out and making himself look good FOR ME... I would have no problem having sex with him

 

Its really weird that she doesn't even want you to touch her? Physical contact is pretty important in a relationship. Women like to touch and be touched (probably the same with men) unless there is something really wrong (like cheating).

Edited January 15, 2011 by Duckduckgoose
Edited because I can't spell today.

[depplover_1980]

Sometimes my gf says she is not interested, so I force her. And she thanks me for it.

 

Or, I would jerk off in her hair while she sleeps. Do this until she leaves you. Then get another woman that likes sex.

 

Loved this advice!!

 

My advice is to leave this selfish woman and start looking out for yourself and reclaim your independence as it takes 2 to make a marriage work and right now you are the only one...

[tnttim]

I agree with tigercub.

 

I also have a few questions:

 

1. Has this happened to you in any other relationships?

2. Do you have problems picking up women?

 

I also have read a buttload of books on relationships. The common areas men have problems is confidence, and anger when it comes to getting turned down. When confidence goes down, anger goes up. So the more you let her get to you, the worse the problem gets. A really easy fix to this for now is to cut her off completly, stop trying to have sex with her. When/if she tries, say your not in the mood. You will start to see her get angry, and you will notice you feel disgusted with her attitude, that's how she feels right now.

The other easy thing to do is to treat her like a potential date, you wouldn't get angry at a potential date that denied you for sex, would you? Just have fun with her, make her laugh, be easy going, compassionate, and have a plan for the future. It never fails to be that guy.

[smilesalot1]

HELP! I feel like I have tried everything and don't know where to go from here. I am 31 years old and my wife is 29. We have been together since 2001 and have been married since 2007. We used to have a very healthy sex life, but it has diminished over the years to where we are now. I'm extremely lucky if we have sex a couple times a year (I'm not joking). I have tried everything. I lost weight, put on some muscle, and made other changes to my grooming and personal appearance. Nothing. I tried the nice guy approach, doing extra things for her, kissing up so to speak, buying presents. Not so much as a glance.

 

Each time I go near her with that look in my eye I get brushed off. It used to be lame excuses like "I haven't brushed my teeth" but now it's much more brutal, like "DON'T!" and an angry scowl. Every time this happens I feel like a puppy that peed on the carpet, and a little more of my self confidence slips away. I also tried discussing it, sometimes flat out asking why she's never interested in me. She usually avoids the topic, and if that doesn't work she'll resort to anger and telling me "I don't want to get in an argument about this bullsh_t right now."

 

I have to admit I'm a little angry myself, because I don't feel she has any excuse for the way she rejects me. We don't have kids (both decided we weren't the parenting type a long time ago), we both work normal 40 hour per week jobs, and as an added bonus (for her) I do ALL of the housework. That's right, I clean, do laundry, dishes, the whole thing. All she has to do is go to work and then do whatever she wants in her spare time.

 

I've even tried the passive approach, pretending I'm not interested in the rare instances she wants to have intimacy, but I can't stand my ground and always end up giving in because I'm so sexually deprived! I don't know what to do anymore. I am not, nor will I ever be a cheater, but the lack of passion in my life is driving me crazy and blowing huge holes in the way I view myself.

 

I admire your devotion, however if you don't feed a dog he will look at the neighbors house for food. You have to get a handle on this. I am a woman and we don't like doormats. FOR GODS SAKE QUIT BEING HER PERSONAL SLAVE... DO YOUR LAUNDRY AND NOT HERS. GO OUT AND GET A HOBBY AND COME UP MISSING FOR A WHILE... IF SHE DOESN'T CARE SHE IS PROBALY CHEATING ON YOU. I would love to have a man in my life and there are many more of us out here. IF ALL ELSE FAILS GET DIVORCED AND GO HUNTING.

[Barrsitter]

I am a born again Christian and will say something no one expects to hear from a BAC.

 

Leave your marriage. The bible is clear that withholding sex is a sin. This whole Christian - pray about it and hope it gets better thing, is crap.

 

If your wife doesn't want to have sex with you....she's just not that into you, I'm afraid. Either that or she's taking her anger and immaturity out on you. Whatever the reason, you are not in a marriage. You're in a dorm with a roommate.

 

Marriage without sex is not a marriage. It's a living arrangement.

 

You sound like a lovely, caring man. Get out while you can and find a woman who thinks you hung the moon. Pray and ask God to lead you to your divinely correct woman. The woman that He intends for you to be with. And don't accept second-best. You and your divinely correct woman will not be able to keep your hands off each other.

 

Best wishes.

[Goldenspoon]

I have to admit I'm a little angry myself, because I don't feel she has any excuse for the way she rejects me. We don't have kids (both decided we weren't the parenting type a long time ago), we both work normal 40 hour per week jobs, and as an added bonus (for her) I do ALL of the housework. That's right, I clean, do laundry, dishes, the whole thing. All she has to do is go to work and then do whatever she wants in her spare time.

 

First, You need to do a 180. If you don't know what it is, google it. You need to STOP being the wife of the house and do ALL that house work. Be like her and have this "I don't give a shxt if the laundry or the dishes is not done" attitude. You can't expect her to respect you if you act like the woman of the house.

 

Second, you let your wife do whatever she wants in her spare time? What does she do and whom does she do it with? Is she giving her time and romance and body to someone else? How sure about about this?

 

Third, re-read my First above.

[Barrsitter]

You two are not meant to be together. Get out and pray for your divinely correct spouse.

[Jack & Coke]

Any update my friend?

[asireen]

Your wife sounds hopelessly selfish.

No kids?

Cut your losses, just get divorced, find someone better to try to start over with if you can.

 

The silver lining is that you have no kids. I agree, cut her loose, let her go.

 

And starting over with someone else is a good idea, but do NOT get married unless you want children.

[StrangeCanine]

Divorce her or just find someone else who would love to give you what she won't.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Any update my friend?

 

My guess? Perhaps he found someone on the outside who fills that need now and is happily (albeit furtively) getting laid on the regular and forgot about LS.