Sexless Marriage

[KeyBiscayne]

HELP! I feel like I have tried everything and don't know where to go from here. I am 31 years old and my wife is 29. We have been together since 2001 and have been married since 2007. We used to have a very healthy sex life, but it has diminished over the years to where we are now. I'm extremely lucky if we have sex a couple times a year (I'm not joking). I have tried everything. I lost weight, put on some muscle, and made other changes to my grooming and personal appearance. Nothing. I tried the nice guy approach, doing extra things for her, kissing up so to speak, buying presents. Not so much as a glance.

 

Each time I go near her with that look in my eye I get brushed off. It used to be lame excuses like "I haven't brushed my teeth" but now it's much more brutal, like "DON'T!" and an angry scowl. Every time this happens I feel like a puppy that peed on the carpet, and a little more of my self confidence slips away. I also tried discussing it, sometimes flat out asking why she's never interested in me. She usually avoids the topic, and if that doesn't work she'll resort to anger and telling me "I don't want to get in an argument about this bullsh_t right now."

 

I have to admit I'm a little angry myself, because I don't feel she has any excuse for the way she rejects me. We don't have kids (both decided we weren't the parenting type a long time ago), we both work normal 40 hour per week jobs, and as an added bonus (for her) I do ALL of the housework. That's right, I clean, do laundry, dishes, the whole thing. All she has to do is go to work and then do whatever she wants in her spare time.

 

I've even tried the passive approach, pretending I'm not interested in the rare instances she wants to have intimacy, but I can't stand my ground and always end up giving in because I'm so sexually deprived! I don't know what to do anymore. I am not, nor will I ever be a cheater, but the lack of passion in my life is driving me crazy and blowing huge holes in the way I view myself.

 

She may be cheating, so I do think you should do some super undercover snooping (looking through emails/texts/phone bills). You need to be very sly, because If you do get caught doing this, it may make her not trust you (rightfully so). For all those who would say this is morally wrong…whatever! I guess you could just ask her if she is cheating, but chances are she’s not going to tell you….so what else are you supposed to do? If someone has a better more ”moral” answer that also allows him to get to the bottom of this possibility in timely manner please let me know.

 

Her disinterest could also be just a difference in libido and sexual desire. Some people just need sex less. For a lot of women I do see this waning in the sex department happening quite often. For instance, I am a very sexual person, but I do find I kind of die off sexually in relationships. It has nothing to do with the man I think for a lot of women just being in love in enough to turn them on instantly. But as you grow more familiar and routine you really have to engage that baseline sexuality… your actual turn on’s whatever they may be (toys, a little hair-pulling etc). But a lot of women never discuss this with their partner because they fear being judged. I really believe that if women weren’t so harshly judged sexually - husbands would be having WAY MORE FUN! This is a topic I find very interesting and should probably expound on in a different thread.

 

OK back to what you should do. Sit her down and have a talk. Do not plead, do not prepare her. Make a reservation at a nice place and then ease into the conversation during dinner. Something like this:

 

------Listen, I understand that you feel uncomfortable talking about XYZ, but I have something to say. If you don’t want to say anything in response - that’s fine - but I want to make sure I am honest with you and that I am being heard. For a long time as you know, I’ve felt something was wrong. I feel totally adrift intimately and I’m scared that if we continue this way, it’s going to completely destroy our marriage. I really need to have a intimate and sexual connection with you. I always thought that would be a part of our married life. I understand that we’re not going to be hanging from the chandeliers everyday…we have busy lives and all marriages go through ebbs and flows, but at the same time we are young healthy people that love each other and yet I feel this major disconnect. We need to fix this if we want to grow as a couple.

Even if you do not believe there is a problem, the mere fact that I think there is a problem and that this problem makes me unhappy, should be enough reason for you to want to go to counseling with me, so together we can get to the bottom of this. It’s not about who is right or wrong. It’s about finding a way for both our needs to be met. I love you. And I want us to be happy.

So will you go to a therapist with me?------

 

Remember all of the above must be said in a non-confrontational, relaxed atmosphere. If she says no or starts to get combative…do not allow her to agitate you. Keep calm. Just say:

 

-----You know what, I hear what you’re saying. I can’t make you go. Maybe I’ll go, Maybe it’s something I need to address within myself------

 

And continue having your meal. Then do the following:

 

DEFINETLY get into individual counseling. It will help you sort through your feelings and your relationship. This should be done even if she did agree to go to couple’s counseling.

 

DEFINETLY stop doing everything for her. She’s not an invalid. You have **** to do! Split the chores half and half.

 

DEFINETELY get your finances in order. Make sure you know where all the money is (very discretely) . I’m not saying hide it. I’m just saying make sure you are not in the dark where your finances are concerned. People get very strange in a divorce. You want to protect yourself in the event of this scenario.

 

DEFINETLY start doing things without her. Find groups that you are interested in. Take some classes (language, cooking, wine tasting etc). Not only will this expand your horizons, but this will get you excited about something else. It will take your focus off of her. You will also meet new and interesting people and friends. You will become inspired.

 

DEFINTELY keep up your exercise routine. Not only is exercise great for physical and MENTAL health, it gives you that hot body you may need when you dump her on ASS and get to dating all those hot chicks!

 

DEFINETELY give yourself a time limit. Don’t let this drag on. You can discuss this with your therapist. Maybe 1 year at most.

 

DEFINETELY tell her you are leaving her at the end of this time limit. Take your **** and go. Have all your ducks in a row (apartment rented, logistics worked out) and then tell her and immediately leave. This is when you say “you know what this is not working, I think we need to separate, I know this may seem abrupt to you, but it is not for me. I’ve tried to talk to you in the past. I can’t sit and ruminate anymore, I need to take action. This is my life and I need to make decisions to live a healthier life.” Give me a week to think. I’ll call you in a week. Go to your new apartment, unwind, cry, invite your best friend over and talk his ear off. And then you can contact her and let her know where you are. But do not let her seep into your life again UNLESSSS she get herself into the therapist and PROVES she is ready to change. AND even if this happens, continuing living your fabulous new life, let her know you are dating, but give no details. And do not make your contact excessive. SHE HAS TO PROVE she is ready to do HER WORK! Who knows at that point..your hot new body, new found social circle, extreme self confidence etc…may have you wondering if she is even good enough for you!

 

If I haven’t thought something through, please let me know. But I think this seems like sound advice. GOOD LUCK!

[linwood]

Sometimes my gf says she is not interested, so I force her. And she thanks me for it.

 

Or, I would jerk off in her hair while she sleeps. Do this until she leaves you. Then get another woman that likes sex.

 

This tactic has worked for me in the past.

 

Seriously though, you should take the advice of just moving on with your life.

If she wants to treat you like a room mate then be one for awhile.

 

Go out do things that make you happy without including her.

Stop treating her like a queen.

 

While you are getting on with your life treating her like a room mate start snooping.

Her actions are consistent with a woman in the midst of an affair.

 

With no kids I see no reason to be miserable for the rest of your life.

If you can`t turn it around get the hell out.