50% who receive communication from an Ex will restart their affair within a year.

[Mrlonelyone]

Check this out.

 

This video is by a family therapist giving advice to married people/ couples living together. Within it a interesting fact is revealed...

 

http://www.videojug.com/interview/how-to-stop-obsessing-about-your-lover

 

According to this "FACT: Almost 50% of people who revive communication with an ex-lover will revive the affair within a year."

 

 

That goes against the conventional wisdom here on LS with respect to second chances. When it comes to second chances it seems maintaining strict NC... especially if the other party communicates with you has a 50% chance of blowing a second chance.

 

What say you all about that?

 

IMHO the key is to maintain a position of some control over communications. Which seems to be the point of NC or LC unless I am missing something.

[eonline]

Yes i believe this is possible because every person who had a long relationship wants stability , something secure, and you already know your ex friend, so it could be a chance to get back if you two are still alone.

[PowerOfOne]

That video is completely irrelevent to every poster on this board. She's saying that if you're cheating on your partner but end it - that if there is communication with that other person again, 50% of the time the cheating starts again.

 

Explain to me how that even comes close to using NC to get over a relationship?

 

It's NOT, repeat - NOT about getting your partner back.

 

Fortunatly or unfortunatly, NC can make them miss you. It gives them space and they may realise that the grass isn't greener. But if you've just been dumped on your ass, you shouldn't enter NC with the intention to use it as a tool to get them back. It's like trying to run a race while being tethered to the starting line.

Edited January 5, 2011 by PowerOfOne

[Mrlonelyone]

That video is completely irrelevent to every poster on this board. She's saying that if you're cheating on your partner but end it - that if there is communication with that other person again, 50% of the time the cheating starts again.

 

That's not how I looked at it. A extramarital affair is just a relationship. In fact if you take the sanctity of marriage out of the picture that percentage of people who do rekindle likely increases a bit.

 

A person who is totally free who is contacted by an ex would if anything be more receptive.

 

Explain to me how that even comes close to using NC to get over a relationship?

 

It has nothing to do with getting over a relationship. I thought the object of most people here was trying to get a second chance at a past relationship.

 

Fortunatly or unfortunatly, NC can make them miss you. It gives them space and they may realise that the grass isn't greener. But if you've just been dumped on your ass, you shouldn't enter NC with the intention to use it as a tool to get them back. It's like trying to run a race while being tethered to the starting line.

 

I see what you are saying here.... however not all relationships here are cases of GIGS... or with a breakup in the last few weeks or months.

 

The idea of using NC/LC to pique someones interest, provided they know your still alive, if you want to get them interested, is perfectly reasonable. I see no reason for people who want a second chance to not use every trick in the book.

[homebrew]

Good Grief!

 

Mrlonelyone... I look forward to the day that the the following statements make sense to you:

 

If an EX that dumped you wants a second chance... It's not YOUR JOB to get them to want you. It's THEIR JOB to get you to want them.

 

You only want to be with someone who wants to be with you.

 

If they are not 100% sure they want to be with you... You do not / are not going to be with them.

 

If someone does not know who they are or want they want... You do not pursue them, date them, want to enter into a relationship with them, marry them.

 

You do not pursue EXes who dumped you.

[PegNosePete]

A extramarital affair is just a relationship.

That's like saying you've found a video telling you how to make cookies. But a crème brûlée is a type of dessert also. So you can follow the cookie recipe to make a crème brûlée.

 

Apples and oranges dude. Getting an affair partner back is totally different to an ex because the affair is usually just based on sex.

[Mrlonelyone]

@Homebrew.

 

Not every post I make here is about my own situation in particular. The statistic I cited above is just a statistic with some broad and general applicability.

 

Your whole approach to dating and mine are different. You seem to want to avoid getting your feelings hurt. I see no downside to risking temporary heartache and hurt pride.

 

@Pegnosepete

 

From the mans perspective the affair may just be about sex. From the other womans perspective the affair is about everything but sex. Check out the way women write on the other man/other woman forum. Most of the OW's there want the MM to divorce his wife and marry them.

 

I take your point about an affair being much more casual than a relationship. On the other hand, in the case of a relationship there is not a stigma attached to entering one.

[carhill]

My personal experiences with my exW and my ex-affair partner run contrary to the assertions of the linked video. One datapoint. When I was younger, meaning a couple decades ago, more ignorant and had yet to receive proper counseling, the affair partner and I had 100% restart rate, even with mulitple year NC periods. A combination of poor boundaries and not being 'done' are the reasons I ascribe to the dynamic. Part of the draw of an affair is its incompleteness. With someone one has had a full and complete relationship which ends voluntarily at one or both partners request/behest, it has run its course. Such was the case with my M. Just the thought of 'restarting' anything with my exW leaves a gagging feeling in my throat. BTDT, no thanks.

 

IMO, for people which engage in relationships and affairs primarily for sex, the dynamics may be remarkably different from the datapoint offered. In my example, sex was ancilliary to the primary focus on emotional and mental intimacy. YMMV.

[homebrew]

@Homebrew.

 

I see no downside to risking temporary heartache and hurt pride.

 

Considering your NAME and your situation with your EX(below)... YOUR WAY SUCKS AND DOES NOT WORK!

 

1. She dumped you 3 years ago.

2. Since then, you have not been contacted by her.

2. She has a boyfriend.

3. She has no free will and her family makes all her decisions for her.

4. Her and her family (who has total control over her) will not let you see your own son or her for that matter.

5. She has rejected your attempts to contact her on Facebook.

6. You sent and email and received a reply from her boyfriend.

 

Get a CLUE!

[Mrlonelyone]

@Carhill. That's very true. If a relationship ends for it's own internal reasons then it's really over. If it ends because of some external reason that's different.

 

@Homebrew.

 

While the situation with this particular Ex is unfortunate it's not the end of my world. I have other options... E, a nice young lady who sings opera, has no kids, and is much younger.

 

S is just different for the obvious reason of a child being involved.

 

To your points. 1 3 and 4 those have to do with S's family rejecting a African American man as a potential son in law. They moved her away 6 years ago, we had an LDR until three years ago, which I ended. The who dumped who of that is not so clear cut.

 

2 5 and 6. Even since three years ago we have had sporadic contact initiated by her. Her BF will have only been so for two whole months tomorrow. A bum could date Angelina Jolie for two months if he made a good first impression.

 

The FB blocking could have been as much so that she would not have to see E and other young ladies commenting on my wall.

 

Last but not least she has explicitly left open several lanes of communication.

[sally4sara]

I'm always suspicious of statistics. What is the validity of a study when it yields a 50 - 50 result? All it says is sometimes it goes one way, sometimes it goes the other. Who didn't already know that?

[WTRanger]

You can use statistics to prove anything, 40% of people know that.

 

I agree in this case 50% isn't all that shocking or relevant. Either you cheat or you don't, heads or tails, yes or no. There can't be a half cheat, can there?

[homebrew]

You can use statistics to prove anything, 40% of people know that.

 

I agree in this case 50% isn't all that shocking or relevant. Either you cheat or you don't, heads or tails, yes or no. There can't be a half cheat, can there?

 

^^^^^^ That is FUNNY! ^^^^^^

[LifeIsGreat]

Just for giggles, I checked out the video. I'm sorry, but I think you have misrepresented what it was truly about. That video has nothing to do with breaking up/making up in the context of this message board.

 

To be honest, it seems you are grasping at straws.

[homebrew]

To be honest, it seems you are grasping at straws.

 

Based on what Mrlonelyguy posts... He wouldn't dare do that!

[eonline]

I must say those 50% come from the fact that some of the relationships ended without a good reason. The rest don't work because relationship was already consumed, finished, it happen something that cannot be fixed or is just about incompatibility.

[Star Gazer]

I have received communication from ALL of my exes, and have never dated them again. So, I totally disagree with this theory.

[eonline]

@Star Gazer: you could be the exception

[homebrew]

I'm 5 out of 6 in being contacted by my exes (ltr) and wanting me back.

 

I am sure I will be 6 out of 6 within a year or so.

[Mrlonelyone]

Some of ya'll are so negative.

 

It's also somewhat disingenuous to say that the outcome of that study is irrelevant.

 

Restarting an extramarital affair VS restarting a relationship? If anything I think that depending on the relationship... there would be less resistance to restarting a relationship.

 

Moreover a 50% chance is way different than say a 1% chance. Does anyone here think that a relationship is not worth a coin flips worth of risk?

Edited January 5, 2011 by Mrlonelyone

[homebrew]

I tend to focus on the here and now...

 

I don't care what some study says... It has no bearing on my EX returning. Why? Because they didn't interview my EX.

[Mrlonelyone]

I tend to focus on the here and now...

 

I don't care what some study says... It has no bearing on my EX returning. Why? Because they didn't interview my EX.

 

Homebrew I say again... Not everything I write here is about my situation.

 

Let me explain something. I am a scientist by trade and education. One thing that it's in my nature to do is to just make generalize observations that are not about me or my situation.

 

If I say... It looks like allot of people are here trying to interpret mixed signals. It's not about me it's a general trend I have seen.

 

If I say I am obsessed with my first love and want to have jungle monkey Tarzan sex with her... while her tied up BF watches us that would be about my situation. It may also mean that I'm as bat**** crazy as you think I am (Unless they are into that sort of thing... I think it's called cuckholding... there's a genre of Porn about that... I'll shut up now. )

[homebrew]

Dude... I AM TALKING ABOUT MY SITUATION in regards to your question due to this study you posted.

 

For me...

 

I focus on the here and now... I look at my situation and determine what I can control and what I can't.

 

What I have no control over:

 

If she comes back or not.

 

What I had / have control over:

 

I was great... I was me... and I treated her to the best of my ability throughout the entire relationship.

 

I gave it my all, my best and I have no regrets about it!

 

That is all I can / could do and I would not do anything different!

 

If she decides she wants me back... It will be because of the man I am, the way I treated her throughout the relationship and her feelings for me!

 

Not some stupid study, her friends, her family, whoever she is dating, the stars, the moon, my uncle's next door neighbors plumber, etc.

[LifeIsGreat]

Homebrew I say again... Not everything I write here is about my situation.

 

Let me explain something. I am a scientist by trade and education. One thing that it's in my nature to do is to just make generalize observations that are not about me or my situation.

 

If I say... It looks like allot of people are here trying to interpret mixed signals. It's not about me it's a general trend I have seen.

 

If I say I am obsessed with my first love and want to have jungle monkey Tarzan sex with her... while her tied up BF watches us that would be about my situation. It may also mean that I'm as bat**** crazy as you think I am (Unless they are into that sort of thing... I think it's called cuckholding... there's a genre of Porn about that... I'll shut up now. )

 

We call come here for support and advice. I'm sure your experience has been very painful, and for that I am sorry.

 

I have followed many of your posts here (and the back & forth with some of the other members), and I have to say your thinking seems to work on a very different 'plane'. Now please, don't take me wrong because I am NOT being critical. We are all different.

 

I would like to ask, and do so with all due respect--- have any family members, friends, or S.O.'s ever accused your thinking as being 'different'? Have you ever been accused or diagnosed with having any personality disorder or emotional issues? PLEASE, do not take this wrong. The only reason I ask is that it might help us to understand where you are coming from.

 

Thank you in advance for trying to understand where I am coming from.

[Mrlonelyone]

I don't take the "accusation" of different thinking hardly.

 

How to put this .... According to the best psychometric testing available I am supposedly "gifted" with an IQ in the top 2.2%. Supposedly people like me think differently from 98.8% of the rest of humanity. I would rather not have this "gift" it would be easier to relate to most people.

 

Like many people with such an IQ I am susceptible to bouts of existential depression and general non-conformity which can be mistaken for various disorders.

 

http://www.giftedservices.com.au/adults.html

 

Gifted adults can misinterpret their complex and deep way of thinking as craziness. They can mistake their emotional intensity for emotional immaturity or see it as a character flaw. Because they have never been given information to explain what is "normal for gifted" they frequently experience frustration in the world, alienation, anger, self blame and emptiness. Without an adequate explanation of their gifted difference, they develop a façade with which they cover their authentic self; a face that they show to the world in order to fit in and so avoid disapproval or sanction.

 

The bolded part sure sounds like me. I have had psychologist try to label me with various disorders with no two of them agreeing. The above is the only thing consistent, and likely true, between all of them.

 

S is also gifted because she went to gifted schools right through high school. It's really hard to find a woman who is so sharp and easy on the eyes. (I also understand that our child is smart as heck. )

 

your thinking seems to work on a very different 'plane'.

 

If everyone thought the same who would invent, who would create works of art, who would ask the new questions that lead to novel answers? Indeed if no one ever thought different we would still be fearing fire let alone controlling it... or using a computer for that matter. All of those are things that made the person doing them, for the first time, seem crazy or odd. (Remember when only Geeks, Nerds, and loosers used computers on a daily basis?)

 

I really hope all of that did not come across as bragging. :-(