Will it ever be the way it used to be?

[Hazel_eyes]

Hello everyone,

 

I am hoping to get some feedback because I don't feel comfortable sharing this with my husband because I know that it's uncomfortable for him to discuss. Okay where to begin.

 

I've been married for about 3 years now. I am 22 and my husband is 24 so we are still fairly young. Both of us wanted to wait until marriage to have sex so we were each others firsts. When we got married, well lets just say that it was amazing and we couldn't keep away from each other

 

We've faced a lot of really rough struggles, and still are but we are determined to come out of things stronger. Over that time I have gained a lot of weight. I accept responsibility for this, obviously food wasn't the proper way to deal with my stress. Anyways our sex life began suffering. The last time we were intimate in any way was on our anniversary in May, and before that we had been through a 6 month dry spell. I tried everything people suggest to get him interested but was shot down every time. It was really messing with my self esteem, I was worried that maybe I was bad at it or he was getting bored. I finally got him to be willing to talk to me about it and he said that I was amazing at it, he just isn't attracted to me at my current weight. I could tell that it was really painful for him to admit that and that he was uncomfortable with it. Even though it was extremely painful to hear I appreciate his honesty and am glad he told me.

 

Anyways I have taken this to heart and am working on losing weight. Its been 2 weeks so far and I have lost 10lbs so far. I've had the flu so that's made it hard to work out I want to lose 60lbs (I know, I've let myself go ). But I know that I can do this! I want to feel pretty again and I want to make him proud. Here is my concern, what if I get back to the weight I was and he still isn't attracted to me? He says he will be, but I feel like I am the most disgusting beast from earth. I can't imagine him ever finding me beautiful again, even after the weight is off. What if I am a disappointment to him, that I turn out still ugly after it is all said and done? What if I have excess skin, will he still find me unattractive? Sex is extremely important to me, I saved myself just for him. I want so badly for him to look at me the way he used to, to be crazy about me like it used to be. It's been so long, I miss feeling like the man I love sees me as a woman and not just a great friend. Am I being irrational? Is it possible for him to see me as beautiful again after being so unattracted to me? This is causing me so much heartache. I'm sorry if I sound stupid, my self esteem feels completely shattered after this.

 

Thanks for reading my book guys. I just want to say thank you ahead of time for any feedback that I get.

[TaraMaiden]

IMO, I think he may be stonewalling a bit. he's put your weight increase as a reason for his interest falling off, but I would guess this weight increase didn't happen overnight.... it's not as if you went from size zero to 20 in one fell swoop. Yet it's since last May that you had sex....were you that heavy then? How long has it taken for you to put this weight on?

 

I hate to say it, but I think once you lose the weight and look stunning again, he will find other reasons to make excuses.

because I think this is the huge danger in 'saving yourself' for just one person.

Sex may be amazing for you to begin with, but my theory is that half of the fun is the expectation and anticipation....

if on the other hand, once you get the weight off, he's all over you like a rash - then he has superficial expectations of your value. if all he sees in you is the super-slimline sexy wife who's eminently screwable when she's thin - then there's something amiss with his perception of you as a person.

 

I think the plan is:

Keep looking after yourself and losing weight.

But do this for yourself, not for him, or anyone - or anything else.

Do this because you want to be the best person you can be. For you.

be determined to fulfil your dream.

then, see if he steps up to the plate.

 

Either way - I think at some point, you're going to need guidance or counselling.

Because if his lack of libido hangs solely and uniquely on what you look like, he's shallow.

If on the other hand, it turns out to be a simple excuse - then something else needs addressing.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

but it is a fine line weight, attractiveness and sex.... Is it right or fair? I'm not sure and unfortunately you have yourself to blame and can do something about it.

 

Did your spouse convey this was an issue early on? Did sex dwindle, let's say with every 10 lbs you gained? Would you feel the same about him if he gained 50% weight wise (I am suggesting you went from 120 to 180 in fat not muscle). This is the same as a male going from 160 to 240.

 

Again I apologize but putting on 60lbs at your age is significant.

 

It is a touchy subject and sorry, but you need to decide for yourself what you want to make yourself HAPPY.... Not him. If you are healthy, and happy (for the most part) with your weight then he isn't worth the heartache.

[Hazel_eyes]

Hey everyone, thank you so much for the responses!

 

I hope I didn't come across otherwise, but I sincerely am not mad at him in any way for feeling this way! I agree that 60lbs is quite a bit of weight.

 

As far as how long it took to put on the weight well honestly it came on in about a year and a half. I took on an assistant director's position at a nonprofit organization that I loved. Unfortunately it was understaffed and I was on average putting in 57 hours of work a week. I would go long stretches without taking a day off too. The longest I did was 22 days. It was during this time that my exercising stopped (I am a long distance runner and have missed it so much) and eating out became a huge problem. This isn't an excuse, it is just the circumstances that were surrounding the weight gain. The company took on a new president who removed all employees and replaced us with her friends. Yeah, that sucked...

 

My husband has loved having me home again. My overall health and stress levels have drastically improved. I miss my athletic self and would love to lose weight for me as well, I would like to state that. I don't like me at this size. I miss my athletic body. I've never been big before so it is hard to accept that I let it get to this point. But I did and I need to fix it. I don't feel like he is being shallow honestly. If he was this mad over 10lbs I probably would, but like I said this is a big difference. He is also an athlete, played baseball all through college so I know that fitness is something he values. I think the thing that surprised me was that this is an issue that he never mentioned early on. He never said a word. I think that he felt like a jerk for feeling this way. Which is why I don't want to bring this insecurity up to him, I don't want him to feel badly for it. He also knows I have a history of eating disorders (something I got counseling for and was doing so well on) so weight and fitness isn't something he tends to spend a lot of time talking about. I think that is another reason why it was so hard for him to say this, he says he doesn't understand the whole eating disorder mentality so he feels like he doesn't know what to say when it comes to food, weight, etc. I'll admit the next couple of days after him telling me I was doing a lot of purging, but I am better then that and I do NOT want go to the extremes that I did in the past, i want to do this healthy and right. Especially since I saw how destroyed my husband looked when he caught me. I love him, I don't want to put him through that... And in case anyone is wondering I had the eating problems before I ever met my husband. I've told my family that I am working on losing weight, they are kind of my accountability people to make sure I'm being healthy about it.

 

To answer the question about whether or not it would bother me if he gained weight. I think it might be slightly unfair for me to answer that cause I'm not in that situation, but I don't think I would. I have dated big guys in the past and their weight didn't bother me. Since my husband's baseball days have ended he isn't as toned and defined as he use to be, but I still find him sexy as ever

 

Sorry for the wordy post again, I always have so much to say lol.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You are young and have had a healthy lifestyle, so losing weight should be easier then for many. You like to run, so start up again. Load your ipod and run every chance you get. Join a gym (lots of low cost and trial memberships) and when you want to watch tv, do it for an hour on an eliptical.

 

I always on a Sunday as a sports fan, go to the gym and watch the first half of the game on a bike or eliptical instead of on a couch. I love listening to podcasts, so I download them and go on a run. The supermarket is 2-3km away (1-2 miles) so if I need some bread or meat, I'll throw on a kanpsack and run there and pick it up.....

 

What I'm saying is I know you can do it, just a matter of starting.

 

Good luck.

[gisellefromhell]

How much time do you spend at home? Is getting out to exercise an issue for you? If you already own an Xbox 360, I suggest for you to invest in this device called Kinect and buy the game "Your Shape: Fitness Evolved". This is just a suggestion if you have cash to spare on your road to losing weight. It's a video game exercise program that I have come to enjoy. You get a great workout without leaving your home. I dont want to sound like I'm a spammer, but you might like this.

 

Also, you should be vocal about your concerns to your husband. I know you said that he's uncomfortable, but he obviously loves you enough to tell you the truth. Trust in your relationship, and good luck in losing weight! Please be safe in doing so.

[Jack & Coke]

Kudos to you for not pointing fingers and trying to fix things. A lot of people buy into the politically correct view of marriage, and feel that "love conquers all" no matter the situation. Love and sexual attraction are two totally different things.

 

I'd say that you won't know exactly what's going to happen once you lose the weight, but you'll be better for it either way. I'd be willing to bet that as long as you make your husband feel like a man and do sexy things he likes then he'll come around. Keep at it and I'm sure you'll meet your goals. Check in for encouragement if you'd like, I know trying to lose weight isn't always fun.

[Hazel_eyes]

Hey everyone,

 

Thank you so much for the encouraging replies, it has been very much appreciated! It makes me feel even more empowered that I can do this!

 

I decided to take the advice that some of you suggested and talk to him about this. I tried my best to make sure that I expressed my fears without making him feel bad. I let him know that I respect him more for being honest with me, and then I laid it all out there about how I was feeling. It was actually really sweet, he kinda scooped me up in his arms and started playing with my hair (oh, he knows I love that!) and said that I need to quit worrying so much and that he loved me more then anything else in the world

 

Then he did something that completely and totally threw me off guard. All of a sudden he tried to pull my pants off and get on top of me! This sent a billion emotions through me. I told him no, not now. It just didn't feel right, like he was initiating sex with me in an effort to make me feel better. Maybe it was the timing. I wanted him badly, but I almost felt like I'd be taking advantage of him and the situation in a way if I went through with it. He said no that he did want it, but I told him that when we do start having sex again that I want it to be because we both want to share something special together and not because anyone feels obligated to do it. He said that he understood and rolled over. I just want to say that I have NEVER said no to any offer of sex from my husband before. Maybe I was wrong, I hope I didn't hurt his feelings, but it just didn't feel like the right thing to do.

 

On a positive note he is getting on the 'get healthy' bandwagon with me! He isn't fat in any way, but is competitive in nature (I am as well). So we are gonna compete to see who can get the hottest body. We figure that it is a win win situation lol. Although he is convinced that I will automatically win since I have boobs. Men

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I still remember the 500+ post thread that was very similar (though an older couple in their late 40's) and was filled with vitriol in discussions about weight and attractiveness.

 

Good Luck......

[Jack & Coke]

Good stuff. Probably should have taken him up on his attempt to initiate though, seemed like an act of good faith. Would have been a great way to kick off the fitness journey too!

[Hazel_eyes]

Well we got a little, uh, busy last night which took me by surprise. It has been an amazing last 2 weeks! I've lost 13lbs so far which aren't really that noticeable. However my husband has been acting so loving and attentive. He says that it's because it means so much to him that I am open to his needs (which in regards to my weight is a need for me as well cause I NEED to get healthy) and that he loves that we have a relationship where he feels safe enough to share his thoughts.

 

So my advice to anyone else out there in a similiar situation is to please take a moment and hear what your spouse is saying. Some spouses can be vindictive about how they do it, but when my husband told me that he wanted me to lose weight I didn't hear him trying to hurt me, what I heard in his words was him saying that he loves me and wants badly to be intimate and attracted to me and that he respects me enough to share what his needs are with me instead of getting frustrated and letting it get to the point where he might look elsewhere. Try not to attack your spouse and make a little effort, you might be very surprised and happy with what results!

[TaraMaiden]

Well, I hope you will forgive my first presumptuous post, in that case. I was just going by your first missive, but it's evident that I took 2 + 2 to = 5.

 

I would also add in my defence (if such a thing were needed) that there have been similar threads posted in the past, with similar laments to yours, that have turned out to not be so positive in outcome.... ladies carrying a little extra weight, with similar issues, have come on here to try to gain feedback and insight, and have found that their spouses/partners were not, shall we say, as comfortable, open and affectionate with their responses as your husband has happily been....

 

I'm delighted things have turned out the way they have.

I sincerely hope you and he continue to build on this success, and motivate one another to be the best you can both be, for yourselves - and for each other.

 

TM.