young&inlove Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Just need some help here... My husband and I are talking about having a separation. We have been together for 3 years and married for 2. We are both in our very early 20s. No kids, just 2 dogs and a cat (they are our children). I don’t want to separate. I am scared out of my mind. I love him with everything I have. I have never wanted to admit it but, we did get married too young. Now what do we do? We have both grown up into people we weren’t when we got married. I am not the hyper (adhd) little girl I once was and he isn’t the cool, calm & collected man he was once was. I don’t like to tell people that we are having problems. At all. I really just like to hide everything from everyone. I finally let it happen. I called my mother and told her we were going to have a break for a while. She doesn’t think that this is a good idea. She thinks that we should stay together and try to "find" ourselves again. This really scares me as I don’t know where to begin. Money is a major problem with us. We are always sooooo tight with bills, floating the accounts, and praying we make it till we get paid. The sad thing is, we are 21. I don’t know why we have these pathetic problems. The stress on our marriage mainly comes from money. I want to separate to be my own person but I don’t want to at the same time. I don’t want to tell people that I failed my marriage. Everyone said the odds were against us. I don’t want to be another couple rushed into marriage then end it. Any advice for staying? Any advice of how we can learn to be ourselves together? Any advice for ending it? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Can you promise to take a break and not consider the company and attentions of other men? Can you truly be alone to decide how you feel about this marriage? TBH, I've met very few people in life who can do that. If you can't, I wouldn't separate, but rather attend MC while cohabiting and remain engaged in the M until it is resolved one way or another. BTW, you can choose how you look at money, bills and finance. Talk about that in MC. You've both made *choices* about financial matters and can work together as a *team* to reach your financial goals. A lot of us are struggling financially right now. It was one of my largest fears regarding getting divorced. MC taught me that it all can work out if I take it one day at a time and work each day in a positive way. Free MC is usually available at university psych departments or through your church/synagogue. Make use of it. Clarify. Accept. Move forward. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author young&inlove Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 I know that if I took a break, all I would do is work. But then again I don’t have any friends so what guys would be around? I am terrified to let my husband go and just pray that he stays good to me. He slept with my best friend one year ago. I know she isn’t a threat anymore because she moved out of the country. I am worried that if we do separate, we are basically just delaying the inevitable. We aren’t happy. He hasn’t been happy for a long time, I haven’t been happy for a long time. We aren’t immature anymore. He thinks that’s who we are. The crazy 18 year olds we once were is who we should be still. No. I am a married woman. I can’t go out and party, club or anything like that. I have too much to loose. I am just so sad and scared that I have failed my marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I know that if I took a break, all I would do is work. But then again I don’t have any friends so what guys would be around? I am terrified to let my husband go It sounds to me that you're just holding onto him because you're afraid that you wont eventually find anyone else. I know from you other posts that you do love him, but the stuff in bold just makes me think that you're afraid that if you let him go, he'd find someone and you wont. and just pray that he stays good to me. He slept with my best friend one year ago. I know she isn’t a threat anymore because she moved out of the country. Him sleeping with your best friend really doesn't make it sound like he's been "good to you" - but that's just my opinion. Even if your best friend moved out of the country, so what? that eliminates HER as a threat, there are PLENTY of other women around? I'm really not trying to be mean, or make you feel even worse, but it just doesn't sound like this guy was good to you in the first place. I am worried that if we do separate, we are basically just delaying the inevitable. We aren’t happy. He hasn’t been happy for a long time, I haven’t been happy for a long time. So you do think that divorce is the "inevitable" and you admit that you guys aren't happy. Look, its easy for me to just say "get a divorce", but I do understand that YOU are the one in this, and YOU are the one who invested all this time, and have love for this guy, but if you are admitting that you 2 aren't happy, then what are you really holding onto? We aren’t immature anymore. He thinks that’s who we are. The crazy 18 year olds we once were is who we should be still. No. I am a married woman. I can’t go out and party, club or anything like that. I have too much to loose. I think what you wrote shows that the 2 of you are on different pages. You are/were willing to accept the responsibilities and changes that come with marriage and he doesn't seem to be there. So, your solution to somehow get on the same page (perhaps through the help of a therapist). But, in all truth (and I KNOW that you don't want to hear this - so I'm sorry), you guys are young, and HE is young and he's still in his playboy phase, it doesn't seem like he really wants to take this responsibility on. Yes, maybe he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place (that's his mistake), but what's done is done, and unless he's willing to grow up you're gonna be in for a rough miserable battle ahead of you. (again, sorry to say it like I see it)... I am just so sad and scared that I have failed my marriage. Even though I've never been married, I can certainly understand what you're saying here. And I am sorry that you're in this situation. In other posts you mentioned your fear of being "one of those couples" (in reference to couples that get married too young), but again, the way I see it is: you need to ask yourself what would make you happier, hanging on to a failed relationship where you seem to be the only one trying and acknowledging the changes that come with marriage or... being done with it and being able to eventually move on and find a better more mature and loving (infidelity free) relationship. Honestly sweetie, at the end of the day, its your life, F what anyone else has to say about it. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 First of all, the infidelity (with your best friend) gives me a whole lot of pause. Based on that one issue alone, so early in a marriage, I think you might be advised to leave this man and start over with someone who will treat you with more kindness and respect. But on the other side of the coin, because you guys ARE so young and not fully mature, I do think there might be potential for the two of you to learn the relationship skills necessary to have a healthy, happy marriage. In your shoes (and I did marry young....and we've matured a LOT together since our first few years of marriage), I would give marriage counseling a shot. You are so young, and the marriage is so young, that you might think of it more as "relationship 101" than "marriage counseling". You both need to learn the basics of communicating, compromise, responsibility, etc. In the process, you can each decide if this is ultimately where you want to be--but either way, you'll learn valuable stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author young&inlove Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 I really hate to give up. But I have to now. I have no other choice. I just talked with him on my lunch. He has cheated on me a second time. This time I dont know ther girl. We are done. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 You are right. You really need to leave him. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this reality now, but I promise that there is a much more loving and healthy relationship in your future. Hugs to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author young&inlove Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 I feel like an idiot. I knew it was going to happen. I didnt think that sleeping with some bitch who knew he was married and he was supid drunk was going to happen. I didnt want to listen to my heart. Now what do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Now what do I do? Leave him, consult an attorney to make sure you don't make any mistakes. I'm sorry this happened. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I really hate to give up. But I have to now. I have no other choice. I just talked with him on my lunch. He has cheated on me a second time. This time I dont know ther girl. We are done. I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm proud of you though for realizing what you have to do. He doesn't deserve you. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I really hate to give up. But I have to now. I have no other choice. I just talked with him on my lunch. He has cheated on me a second time. This time I dont know ther girl. We are done. I'm so sorry. I honestly think you will be in a much better place after the divorce. You are only 21 years old. You should have lots of friends. He was holding you back. Enjoy life and look towards a new future. It is not your fault he cheated again. Cheating twice in a year is a major flaw within him. Do not allow him to blame you. Hold your head up and get the divorce papers finished and move on!! Link to post Share on other sites
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I really hate to say this but I TOLD YA SO! Told ya to get rid of his ass a long time ago! Who cares if you have a divorce at 21! Thats the LEAST of your worries. Better now than 10 years down the road when you have kids..a house and other major responsibilities to worry about! I have read and probably replied to all your posts in the past..mainly because I really truly felt soooo bad for you when you first posted on here. I know that feeling all too well. But I also know had I been in your shoes and had to deal with ALL that you have over the past few months..I would've broken a long time ago. There is soo many things wrong within him it isnt even funny anymore! And I don't just mean the whole cheating scenarios either. I am upset that it seems like hes the one initiating and dictating all this in the meantime. This should've been you! You should've kicked his ass to the curb a long time ago! Please be strong..and forget what your mother is telling you..that is OLD school crap. How can you try and work on a marriage that has been so torn up to begin with! Just focus on yourself..and try to surround yourself with POSITIVE people! I am sooo sorry this happened to you..but only you can live and learn and take this as a life lesson now and turn your life around. There are wonderful men out there...have fun seeking them out! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 OP, sorry to read about the latest developments. You can likely get some free help at the courthouse with the legal parts. Ask. They call it 'self-help' at our courthouse. My sympathies.... Link to post Share on other sites
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