Valid Jealousy/Insecurity or Not? Need Advice.

[confused1911]

Hi All,

Recently I've found myself in being very jealous of the amount of time that my fiancee spends with one of her school instructors. She has gotten to be good friends with the guy and enjoys doing things with him. She kind of T.A.'s for him as well. I have spent a little bit of time with him, and while I don't find him very threatening, I can't get over feeling uneasy about her spending so much time with another guy. For instance, one day she spent almost 10 hours with him doing various things like helping him at school, hanging out with him and his kid, and then watching a movie. He is currently romantically involved with someone, but this does not make me feel any better.

If this instructor were a woman, I am sure that I would not have such a big problem with it, but as it stands it makes me sick that she would rather spend time with this guy than me. We both work and go to school full time, so any time that we have spare we used to spend together, but now she has been spending a lot of time with this guy as well.

What do you think? Am I over-reacting by feeling jealous? She has told me that I have nothing to worry about, but that is easy to say and harder to do. Is this type of friendship (hers and his) perfectly normal, and I'm just being unfair? I really don't know what to think anymore.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I think you have a hell of a lot to worry about. I have been a college professor for many years and have seen a great many affairs between professors and students. You are engaged to her and she spends up to 10 hours of her free time helping him and watching movies together. You have got to be out of your mind to accept this.

It is irrelevant whether he is attractive or not. I have constantly seen young students become attractive to their professors because of their minds and they feel special that the professor would spend so much time with them. It usually leads to a sexual affair.

Do you really think your engaged girlfriend with accept you spending so much time with a female instructor friend and watching movies with her? You need to open your eyes. Her behavior is extremely disrespectful to you who is a man she is engaged to be married with. She is hanging with and enamored with another man and you accept this because she tells you don't have to worry about it? She is acting like an unattached woman who has a big crush on her professor and gets to spend enormous amount of time with him instead of with the man she is engaged with. This is a huge red flag.

Her behavior is unacceptable and disrespecting to you. You are foolish to accept this behavior. The message she is giving you is that she would rather spend her free time with this professor than with you. At this point I would think long and hard whether you wish to marry somebody like this. If she is engaging in this type of behavior while she is engaged to you; what do you expect from her in the future? In addition, you have given tacit consent to her that it is all right for her to hang out with another man to the detriment of your own relationship. What is wrong with this picture? Please open your eyes and see what the reality really is before it is too late. I wish you luck.

[gaia]

I'm sorry to say, but I agree. It sounds like they are way too involved. Don't think I could cope with that.

[confused1911]

Thanks for the replies folks. Any other opinions out there? Maybe that's why I'm so worked up about it.

[priscilla]

This is very very bad. If it bothers you that much, and it sure would me, you should talk to her about how you feel. Then see if she will be willing to spend less time with him or no time at all. Hopefully she would respect and understand your feelings and see less of this guy. This will also give you insight on to the depth of their relationship and should help in your decision making. Hopefully you haven't set a wedding date.