shygirl04 Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I have never been on a forum before, let alone pour out my feelings to complete strangers but I dont know where else to turn. I have been involved in a relationship for four years now. I always thought that our relationship was fine, but now I am starting to see otherwise. Last year my fiance started college, and of course we all know that there are girls in college. In October I started finding e-mails back and forth from him and a girl he goes to school with. Innocent at first, but then he started asking her to meet him (whether she actually did or not I do not know), I also found e-mails to his friends saying how hot the girls at the gym were. He also sent pictures of himself doing things to himself to girls he talks to online. I confronted him about this and he said it was because he felt like it. He would not speak to me for two days, and said that I was invading his privacy, by going through his e-mail. I thought things would be better, but all he does is put me down anymore ( he never used to do that), and only wants to have sex when HE feels like it. I have once again started finding things that he is sending to girls he talks to on a forum similar to this one. One of the girls and him even have a "cute" little thing on their location section on this forum that is in direct reference to one another. What do I do? I am afraid if I confront him that he will get mad at me again, and I just love him so much. I want to marry him, but when I bring up that he just makes jokes about it. I dont think that I can be without him, but I definetly cannont go on like this. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 When you say "doing things to himself" do you mean "rude"things? That would certainly be unacceptable. Whatever his relationship with the internet girls, it sounds like things are going wrong for you. The very fact that you cannot raise a legitimate concern for fear of his anger is a big red flag. The other thing I find worrying is that he puts you down all the time. There may be reasons for him behaving this way, but if you can't talk to him, how are you ever going to sort them out. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but from the outside this feels like the beginning of an abusive relationship. I wouldn't even think about marrying him, certainly not at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Shygirl, I feel your pain. I REALLY do. I know how that hurts. It really doesn't look good. In particular, your fiance's way of not speaking to you after you unveiled some pretty incriminating information on his pc is a bad sign. Although I can understand and appreciate not wanting to have your personal property gone through, you had an instinctive feeling that something was not right which caused you to do what you did. His not wanting sex unless he wants it, another big strike. The way he was acting was what told you something was just not right. I have been in your situation, only I am now married. Had I known then what I know now, I would NOT be married to this man. I am currently working to get out...I start going back to school this fall. My advice to you is that your suspicions and feelings are real. The hardest thing is that you love him, and the fact that this is happening is almost uncomprehensible and completely devestating. I would truly evaluate what's more important...being second, insecure, sick to your stomach all the time, plagued with constant worry, not feeling loved the way you once were, OR being a healthy relationship. If you break it all with him, he's going to deny all of this and most likely fight to get you back. It's a trick. Men like him want someone like you to string along, but they are self seeking only. If you are in school now, my guess is that you are in your early twenties (I'm 32)....you have plenty of time for a MUCH better opportunity than this JACK A$$. His due will come one day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shygirl04 Posted March 19, 2004 Author Share Posted March 19, 2004 I have already graduated from school, and I know that I can do it on my own. The only problem is how much I love him. I know that I should confront him again, but at the same time I am trying to get all the evidence I can against him so that when I do confront him he will take me seriously. You are right about the being sick to my stomach all the time, and the constant worrying. He has to stop or I have to leave. Do you think that he will stop? Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 No, and although I've thought I've described in great detail the times I heavily suspect my husband of cheating, he denies it. That's the worse thing...it indicates that he doesn't want to give it up. I know you love him, but you are cheating yourself by staying with a cheater/him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shygirl04 Posted March 19, 2004 Author Share Posted March 19, 2004 You are so right. God are you right. I appreciate your advice. I just hope that I can find the courage to take it. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 I don't look down on ANYONE for staying with a cheater. I understand the depth of the hurt. The thing that I've come to realize is that it's actually self inflicted. You know what's going on, so if you decide to stay with your fiance, you are setting yourself up. He's the one that is wrong in his behaviour, but you are sticking your neck out for it to get chopped off too. What makes it all the more difficult is my husband will swear UP and down that he loves ME. My situation is different than yours in that I've got a 9 year old son that I owe a life to. I want him to have the best that life can offer. Part of that is a father/role model. He will be devastated when we split up. I also will have to provide for my son, and I have two years of school under my belt-I start back this fall. YEAH!!!! My going back to school embarks me moving on with this. At any rate, it's NOT an easy decision to make, although it is extremely painful and difficult to live with. We want the one that has hurt us so badly to ease that pain, I suppose. I don't mean to sound authoratative or "old", but you are young with your whole life ahead of you. This guy is a piece of TRASH...you do NOT have to ride on the garbage truck to know where it will take you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Here's something else that just chaps my a**....this guy is one sick individual! Here you are engaged, and he knows how downright humiliated you will be in breaking it off...I KNOW that you would feel completely embarrassed, etc. Being cheated on makes you feel so inadequate, but you are not. The cheater is because they can't stay committed and get all their needs met in a normal, healthy relationship. Anyway, your fiance now thinks he's got you over a barrel because he thinks you want to marry him. If you leave this guy, he will most likely beg, plead, and (try to) do anything he can to manipulate you back into his life. Cheaters that will deny it to their death they didn't cheat when all the evidence is fully there are con (sp?) artists. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 ...you do NOT have to ride on the garbage truck to know where it will take you... So well put, fedup! Of course, it's going to the dump, and you will get to live in an emotional "waste transfer facility" for the rest of your life, to the point where shooting rats with an air rifle starts to look like a GREAT way to spend the weekend. OR, you could get off the truck now, while you're still within city limits... Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Exactly, Sole. I was in Shy's shoes 5 years ago, and boy oh boy if I had it to do to over again....Well, I just hope for her sake that she doesn't stay with him and end up miserable and realizing that she's wasted years off her life with someone like that. I hope that my own situation will be testimony enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shygirl04 Posted March 21, 2004 Author Share Posted March 21, 2004 Thank you for all of the advice. I appreciate it as I really dont have anyone else to talk to about all of this. On one hand I want to throw in the towel and walk away, on the other hand I want to stay and try to put the pieces back together. It is so hard to do either though. I know I should find someone better, but at the same time I care so much for him, and feel like I will never find better. That sounds stupid I know, but I just feel so lonely, violated, confused, and betrayed all at the same time. I am the one people go to for advice, but yet I cant take the advice I dish out. What a jerk I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 What he is doing is wrong, but you were wrong for snooping through his e-mails. I know you that you love him, but something needs to be done about this. Put your foot down and show him a firm hand! Don't take this s**t! Tell him - 'look motherf**ker - you are either with me or them and if you want them, f**k you and have a nice life!' This should be a serious wake-up call for him. Be strong -- don't let yourself be his doormat! ~V Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 >>>What do I do? I am afraid if I confront him that he will get mad at me again, and I just love him so much. I want to marry him, but when I bring up that he just makes jokes about it. I dont think that I can be without him, but I definetly cannont go on like this. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.<<< I hate to pee on your parade, but I think it's too late to save anything between you two. I mean, yes, you could put up with his s*** and stay with him, but why? You love him?! How do you love someone who treats you with such disrespect? One half of the problem in this relationship is that your boyfriend's a self-center prick; the other half of the problem is that you are dating a guy who doesn't try to conceal the fact that he is a self-centered prick. Before you get involved in a relationship, you first have to have pride in yourself, and right now, I don't think you have that. I think you're just closing your eyes and wishing things would get better and go back to the way things were when he convinced you that he was charming and that he actually cared about you and your feelings. Those days are over. Successful relationships occur between equals. You have to be an equal in your partner's eyes. His behavior should tell you that he doesn't think of you as an equal at all. Are you satisfied with this? Are you happy knowing that your partner doesn't respect you? Are you happy being seen as something to f*ck before going to bed? If so, get married. If not, point to the door and say "Truck on, dude." Link to post Share on other sites
capitald Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 From reading this i don't think you should do anything drastic. Its seems like you are getting jealous and that won't help anything. Maybe you are shy and vain and expect the world to come to you while your bf is humble and he is bold enough to go out there and live it up, so you feel lonely, when you really need to get on the boat and do a little living yourself. Then you won't be sitting on the bench watching your bf score in the game. In the end, if he comes back then you will know its real. Sitting on the couch trying to control him and looking into his private things is just going to make you the loser, get off your high horse and get back in the game. Link to post Share on other sites
Sundaymorning Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 i would so leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 Amerikajin and Capital, Those were really harsh words. It's the worse thing when someone that claims they love you (and have SHOWN it to you) for a great deal of time suddenly has taken up with other people/someone else on the side. It does NOT mean that something is wrong with her, it means that her self esteem has been SO crushed that hardly moving is next to impossible. She knows, her brain knows, that the right thing to do is to break this off with him, but it's her past with him that tells her otherwise. She is NOT just jealous. That word is a cop out! This guy asked her to marry her, and now he's playing the field. That's BS, that's what all this is. I also disagree that she shouldn't have gone through his e-mails. Would her fiance have just allowed her to look at his mail if asked? If so, my guess is that he would have covered his tracks beforehand making sure everything questionable had been deleted. Going through someone's personal property when they've given you enough reason to think they are up to NO good is all you've got. If you find something to confirm your suspicions, then the rest is up to you. The way I look at that, is it's the other person's tough break. They are the one at fault, not the one that looked for confirmation of their suspicion. Shy, you are NOT dumb. It's ALWAYS easier to look at other people's situations and asses them and point things out to them. It's difficult to step away from your own situations, because you are involved in them with feeling. I wish you the best, and I hope that you find the courage and strength to leave this guy...I know it's NOT easy. For all those that tell people to just leave....it's NOT that simple and easy! What may look like a no brainer is VERY difficult and complicated. The cheater and liar complicates things; otherwise, it would be a piece of cake to just walk. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I didn't say it was all her fault. It's half her fault, and I stand by that. If you're dating someone who cheats on you, lies to you and otherwise treats you like your nothing but a fringe benefit before going to sleep, then the conclusion to be made here is that you're dating a prick. I only asked "Why is she dating a prick?". She can't control her boyfriend, but she can control herself. The choice is hers. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Gotcha, Amerikajin! I agree. It's just VERY difficult sometimes to get out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shygirl04 Posted March 22, 2004 Author Share Posted March 22, 2004 First of all I am not stupid, and I appreciate you FedUp and Amer for recognizing that fact. As far as leaving you are right when you say it is easier said than done. I wish the world was that easy. As for "going out and living it up", well that would put me in the same category as him and I will not and could not do that. My past does have a lot to do with this. Not only my past with him but the fact that I have already been married and divorced once and I divorced for the same reasons (and a few others). Do I feel like a victim? NO. Do I feel stupid, worthless, betrayed, violated, like there is something wrong with me? YES. I know that feeling will pass in time, as it did before, but it is very hard to deal with. Especially when it has happened before. Why this has happened to me twice is beyond me. It does make me sit back and wonder why two different me would do basically the same thing to me. I do wonder what I have done wrong, but honestly I cannot think of one single thing that I have done to make this happen. I am by no means a beauty queen, but nor am I a wretched looking beastlike girl. I have given my b/f nothing but love and the utmost respect, as I did with my ex-husband. I guess that is not enough for some people though, and I have to learn to live with that. You ask if I want to sit and stew in all of these feelings and emotions, well noboby wants to feel like this. I should not and will not continue to feel this way. It will take time and effort on my part. I want to salvage this relationship and am in the process of figuring out if that is possible. Once again I appreciate the feedback and advice from all of you, and I am blessed to have found such a support system. Thanks again, Shygirl04 Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 what is he doing to himself in these pictures? Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 >>>Do I feel stupid, worthless, betrayed, violated, like there is something wrong with me? YES.<<< You shouldn't feel this way. You should be pissed off that someone isn't showing you the respect you deserve. I think that's the problem: you're feeling worthless and low when you should be pissed off and proud. Start taking more pride in yourself. Stop needing romantic love so much that you're willing to put up with all kinds of nonsense just to get into a long-term relationship. >>> Why this has happened to me twice is beyond me. It does make me sit back and wonder why two different me would do basically the same thing to me. I do wonder what I have done wrong, but honestly I cannot think of one single thing that I have done to make this happen.<<< I hate to say this, but it happens because you let it happen. Like I said, you can't control the other person but you can control yourself. The behavior probably started out relatively benign at first, but once your boyfriend realized you'd tolerate a little, he started giving you alot. Sometimes, relationships can be rather predatory. By that I mean there are some relationships in which there is one person who has the leverage in the relationship and the other, who is at their mercy. But the only reason you are at his mercy is because you feel like you need him to somehow make yourself complete. The idea that romance makes a person complete is nothing but a bunch of Hollywood fairy tale bulls***. You can be strong with or without someone in your life. >>>I want to salvage this relationship and am in the process of figuring out if that is possible. <<< Don't try to salvage anything. Your boyfriend doesn't respect you...there's nothing to salvage. Instead, you should drop him, move on with your life and begin doing things that will help you build a stronger sense of self worth. When you have pride it helps you identify right away who's worth pursuing and who you should avoid. Your relationships will be much healthier. Link to post Share on other sites
capitald Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Ok shygirl, now you have launched out in righteous outrage and anger at all of us. There is an issue right there that may be putting your bf off and causing him to go elsewhere for satisfaction. If bad things keep happening to you then perhaps you should seek professional council (this place may be very helpful but it is not nor I believe claims to be a substitute for some kind of therapy). I think you need someone who is qualified to delve into the deep issues that you have that cause you to get hurt all the time. Or you can just wallow in misery. The choice is yours. Remember, seeking help does not mean that you are crazy. Also, remember that you may be suffering from emotional damage from the past: "what we don't complete, we are doomed to repeat." P.S. I can't make promises on how it will be for you but I think you might find that therapy can even be a little bit fun and you might learn alot about yourself and how to make yourself a more successful person. Just a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Capital, I have not seen any righteous outrage on Shygirl's part. I don't think it's fair to tell her that the way she acts elicits someone to cheat on her either. I do think that maybe there are signs in the beginning of a relationship that can be pointed out to her to prevent her from being with someone like this in the future. NO ONE deserves to be cheated on or abused in a relationship. If that happens to them repeatedly in relationships, their only guilty of the pattern of attracting that type of person. The behavior of someone else is no one else's fault, period. What you do about it is your choice only. Link to post Share on other sites
capitald Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I believe that the trouble signs are there from the very beginning. Thats my view and I am going to stick to it. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 i still have questions about the evidence. everything excepting the pictures could be simpley platonic relationships. ( i also talk on msn and forums, but my hormones are usually indifferent to the process) (well, except when someone is particularly logical:) ) i'll ask again: what do the pictures depict, exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
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