AlisaMarie Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Well... me and the ex decided to get back together before Christmas. As I had mentioned in older posts, I knew he was with someone else... but he claimed her as only a friend, and still does to this day. He said that she started getting clingy and he got weirded out because he didn't want to be with her like that. He still works with her. Here is the thing... I know they were more than friends. I KNOW. Don't ask me how I do... I just do... and it's more than intuition. So even though I asked and he swore... they weren't just friends, and I know that they had sex. My question is... was he dishonest to protect my feelings or because he's keeping the door open for her? He came back to me several times while he was "with" her, but still claiming they were friends. I just want to move forward and not hold a grudge for anything he did while we were apart. I am not calling him a cheater, but it feels like he broke up with me to be with her, then he didn't like it and wanted me back. I just don't know what to do. Talk to him? He will just deny. I just love him so much but there's always that big fat elephant in the room. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Fern Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 He's lying because he doesn't want the fallout. But for the sake of your relationship he needs to be honest with you. I think you should tell him that you NEED the truth but that you promise there won't be a row over it. Then you need to stick to that if he DOES tell you the truth. Take it from me - lying is ultimately more destructive than infidelity. Bite your tongue and be cool enough not to harp on about it if he has the balls to admit the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlisaMarie Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 Thanks Fern, but I have asked for the truth and he denied, that was when we first got back together. I don't want to keep pressing it. But I know the truth, and trust me... I would rather not know! Sometimes it's better not to. I just want to try to forget about it but it's eating me alive! Link to post Share on other sites
Fern Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Thanks Fern, but I have asked for the truth and he denied, that was when we first got back together. I don't want to keep pressing it. But I know the truth, and trust me... I would rather not know! Sometimes it's better not to. I just want to try to forget about it but it's eating me alive! You need to let him know in no uncertain terms that there will be no fallout if he tells the truth - but that you can't live with lies. And you have to MEAN that. Lies are poison. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlisaMarie Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 You're very right, but here are some other things: 1. We weren't "together" when it happened. And he actually cheated on here with me a couple times! 2. He may ask me how I know, then turn it on my for being "crazy." We live in a small county where everyone knows everyone. I always have that close friend that's cousin's sister's best friends with "her." Information seriously falls into my freaking lap! F**k! This girl is less than classy, way less. I honestly think he's ashamed and thinks that I would think less of him. I am very mature though, I know he's guy. I know stuff happens. I am afraid that if he knows I know the truth... it will mess with him. He may think that I hold a grudge. FERN! I just think too much. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 The truth is in his actions. You don't NEED to hear it from him, like he'd tell you anyways. That's like OJ Simpson admitting to murder. Plus in cases like this, ignorance really is bliss. I think hearing it from him would set you back further that where you are now. You are having a hard time accepting his actions because you have an excuse for why he acts a certain way. The "he's just a guy and things happen" holds as much water as a bucket full of holes. Unless this girl raped him, it takes two to tango. He knows exactly what he is doing. He's not Mr. Magoo stumbling around with a boner and accidentally falling on top of this girl. You are an option to him, and you have/had him as a priority. That doesn't mix all too well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlisaMarie Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 WT I was just about to message you! I never thought of it that way...I am an option. Wow. I don't like that sound of that but it's true. Is there any way that I can escape this and become a priority? Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 You can remove yourself completely from his life. It sounds counter productive, but that is the only way you can show him either he gets all of you or none of you. If he bolts, well, then he was a dickwad all along. Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 To answer your question of why he lied, I agree with Fern. His reason is not to protect you as much as it's to protect himself from your disapproval, disappointment, and anger. His reasons are self-serving. It's disconcerting that he keeps denying what you know to be fact. For a reconciliation, is this really the foot you want to start off on? Shouldn't it be one in which you start with a clean(er) slate? You keep doubting whether you're being fair yet you have a right to the kind of relationship you want. You'd feel better had he said "Look, this is what went down..." and was truthful with you. If that's your requirement, that's okay. Just GET some requirements and don't feel guilty about it. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeIsGreat Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 You're very right, but here are some other things: 1. We weren't "together" when it happened. And he actually cheated on here with me a couple times! 2. He may ask me how I know, then turn it on my for being "crazy." We live in a small county where everyone knows everyone. I always have that close friend that's cousin's sister's best friends with "her." Information seriously falls into my freaking lap! F**k! This girl is less than classy, way less. I honestly think he's ashamed and thinks that I would think less of him. I am very mature though, I know he's guy. I know stuff happens. I am afraid that if he knows I know the truth... it will mess with him. He may think that I hold a grudge. FERN! I just think too much. Maybe I'm not as familiar with your situation as some of the others here, but I have to ask.... if you guys weren't together when this happened, why does it matter? Link to post Share on other sites
Fern Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Maybe I'm not as familiar with your situation as some of the others here, but I have to ask.... if you guys weren't together when this happened, why does it matter? It doesn't - but the LIES matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlisaMarie Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 Maybe I'm not as familiar with your situation as some of the others here, but I have to ask.... if you guys weren't together when this happened, why does it matter? See, I totally agree with you lifeisgreat, it doesn't matter. But in other break ups... he wrongly accused me of sleeping around and I didn't. Plus, this girl was his "friend" when we were together... so I am feeling that he is denying the relationship and sex with her because he'll think that I will think it was going on before we broke up. Or also, he will think that I will think that he left me for her (which I feel is the reason, ya know GIGS). It's just all kinda shady that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
liverpool fc Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Thanks Fern, but I have asked for the truth and he denied, that was when we first got back together. I don't want to keep pressing it. But I know the truth, and trust me... I would rather not know! Sometimes it's better not to. I just want to try to forget about it but it's eating me alive! the truth does hurt, trust me finding out something you fear of being true that is true does take sometime to get over. if it is driving you that mad (sounds it) then you are going to have to settle this issue if you want to move forward because things wont be as smooth with this problem always coming up Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlisaMarie Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 the truth does hurt, trust me finding out something you fear of being true that is true does take sometime to get over. if it is driving you that mad (sounds it) then you are going to have to settle this issue if you want to move forward because things wont be as smooth with this problem always coming up I just don't know if I secretly forgive him and try to trust him in the future, or hash it out with him. Link to post Share on other sites
liverpool fc Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I just don't know if I secretly forgive him and try to trust him in the future, or hash it out with him. if you love him enough (which i think you do) and if you feel as if this second chance will reap better rewards then try to sort this issue out so you both can move on into better times, it does look tricky to sort out but trust does come into play in a relationship and if you feel as if you can trust him if you do have a big talk to him about this and how you feel then thats ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Jake99 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 AlisaMarie, No offence but al you are is a doormat to this guy. You say you love him but he definitely uses you! Sorry, but that's the real world of being blunt! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlisaMarie Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 AlisaMarie, No offence but al you are is a doormat to this guy. You say you love him but he definitely uses you! Sorry, but that's the real world of being blunt! Hey Jake, I accept blunt! I know this as well. He knows I am here and I love him. He knows that if he leaves I will take him back. But I also feel that every time he comes back it's going to be good. I feel like I have to take that chance because I love him. I don't know... Link to post Share on other sites
LuLu65 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 But I also feel that every time he comes back it's going to be good. I feel like I have to take that chance because I love him. I don't know... I'll telling you this from personal experience.......he probably won't stop and you should find someone that truly loves you and wouldn't think of lying or cheating on you, you deserve that. I did the exact same thing, each time something happened I took him back as he begged and swore he loved me, but the words were not long out his mouth that he was doing it again. Staying with someone that doesn't respect you enough to tell the truth will only bring your self confidence down, so low that you might not think you deserve any better..........but you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Jake99 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 LuLu65 is so right! You are becoming his doormat and he knows he rules over you. Respect yourself first and let people into your life that respect you too. Link to post Share on other sites
dng Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 AlisaMarie; There's a reason the trust is gone: you know he is lying to you about something important to you and you've expressed to him that it was important to you. In effect, he's ignoring a need that you have and that you expressed, thus he is not in tune with what you need from him and probably never will be, since its working out for him. He might be too young to realize that others have needs too, or he might be too selfish to care, or you might not be able to express your needs in a clear way. The reason matters only for your next relationship, so that you can learn from this one. I'm sure if you start digging, you'll notice little things like him lying to his friends or his parents about this or that, and other patterns will start to emerge. The most pernicious effect of this is that slowly you will lose your self-confidence. You will be driven to ignore your instincts and rely on what he says instead, and that is called emotional damage. Do your homework and make a decision, make a plan, apply the plan. I know its hard and it takes courage but dont put your emotional health at risk here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlisaMarie Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 AlisaMarie; There's a reason the trust is gone: you know he is lying to you about something important to you and you've expressed to him that it was important to you. In effect, he's ignoring a need that you have and that you expressed, thus he is not in tune with what you need from him and probably never will be, since its working out for him. He might be too young to realize that others have needs too, or he might be too selfish to care, or you might not be able to express your needs in a clear way. The reason matters only for your next relationship, so that you can learn from this one. I'm sure if you start digging, you'll notice little things like him lying to his friends or his parents about this or that, and other patterns will start to emerge. The most pernicious effect of this is that slowly you will lose your self-confidence. You will be driven to ignore your instincts and rely on what he says instead, and that is called emotional damage. Do your homework and make a decision, make a plan, apply the plan. I know its hard and it takes courage but dont put your emotional health at risk here. Thank you everyone for your support! DNG- wowowow! I have already noticed things like that. I mean, why is it so hard to tell the truth? Sometimes it hurts, but in the long run. Even though this is important to me, I am still torn between just moving forward and hashing up the past. But there were so many patterns here that the past resurfacing is inevitable. I just don't know how to let him go. When it's good, it's sooo good. When it's bad, my heart is disgusted and shattered. This is so dumb but I almost want to wait for another break up then throw everything in his face... then be done... but I shouldn't be expecting another break up- it's not fair to feel and live that way, but I do. I am just so effin confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Jake99 Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Thank you everyone for your support! DNG- wowowow! I have already noticed things like that. I mean, why is it so hard to tell the truth? Sometimes it hurts, but in the long run. Even though this is important to me, I am still torn between just moving forward and hashing up the past. But there were so many patterns here that the past resurfacing is inevitable. I just don't know how to let him go. When it's good, it's sooo good. When it's bad, my heart is disgusted and shattered. This is so dumb but I almost want to wait for another break up then throw everything in his face... then be done... but I shouldn't be expecting another break up- it's not fair to feel and live that way, but I do. I am just so effin confused. AlisaMarie you should step out of your own shoes for a moment and just read what you write. Yes you may be torn but no realtionship should be extremely good and then fall deep into disgust and shattered. Wow, that in itself is a huge red flag because when trust is gone, it's long gone and repairing is really tough. How can you repair trust when you have other issues you have to deal with. Drama, drama, drama!! Link to post Share on other sites
dng Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Thank you everyone for your support! DNG- wowowow! I have already noticed things like that. I mean, why is it so hard to tell the truth? Sometimes it hurts, but in the long run. Even though this is important to me, I am still torn between just moving forward and hashing up the past. But there were so many patterns here that the past resurfacing is inevitable. I just don't know how to let him go. When it's good, it's sooo good. When it's bad, my heart is disgusted and shattered. This is so dumb but I almost want to wait for another break up then throw everything in his face... then be done... but I shouldn't be expecting another break up- it's not fair to feel and live that way, but I do. I am just so effin confused. Hey. It is really up to you to decide what's acceptable to you and what's not. Nobody will protect your emotions, and in the end, what you are, for you. When its good, its good. When its not, I don't think it should be hurtful or painful. It should just be neutral. Take a good look at what you want and make a decision for yourself. Think about the long term. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts