2 1/2 months and improving

[norm28]

So, here's my story. My wife and I have been married 14 years, and have 2 wonderful children ages 8 and 10. We have had problems in the past, but through a lot of hard work and counseling, I was able to get over past issues and become a better man. Basically, I used to like to drink too much, and for a while I was into internet porn. Now, there was never any violence, and no chat rooms or anything like that. Like I said, I worked on myself and those are no longer issues.

 

My wife never worked on her issues. Her parents divorced when she was 5 because her father was an alcoholic. Then, her mother remarried quickly to a strict disciplinarian. On top of that, she was sexually abused by her step-uncle from ages 8-12. So she's been through a lot, and never got any counseling for it.

 

So, about 2 years ago I noticed she was texting a lot with someone from work. I didn't say anything, just kept an eye on things. Then I found out she lied about him being at a group gathering because she thought I would be upset he was there. I was more upset about the lying. From what I could tell, he wasn't really interested and nothing ever happened. We worked on it together and moved on. Then, 6 months later, enter texting buddy #2. This time she admitted she wanted to have sex but he refused (my wife, while pretty, is very overweight and throws herself at people....2 things don't go well together). So, she breaks it off and things are good, then she contacts him again. At this point, he contacts me and asks if I could get her to stop. She was saying things like "get me out of my marriage, make a commitment". He showed me the texts, and she was talking to him like there was more there than there was. Normally, I would suspect it, but I've learned over the years she is delusional. So, we separated for a week, she begged me to come back and I did. We went through counseling and things seemed great.

 

Back in March, i caught her contacting another man and saying horroble things about me. He too was not interested, and cut off all contct with her. I never confronted her about this, but knew where we were headed. I lost my job shortly after that, and we agreed I would stay home with the kids until the construction industry picked up again.

 

So, then in August she had a position to fill at work (she's an Asst. Principal at a middle school). She hires this guy, and I later found out she was telling him how he turned her on during the interview and texting him before he started saying "we could really have something". So, after a month of stalking, he gave in and they started an affair. Did I mention he's married with 3 kids??? So, I found out, and immediately said I was done. Even being unemployed, I moved out (the home is in foreclosure anyway) to try to do the right thing for the kids. She never would have left, and was constantly texting him in the 4 days between me finding out and leaving.

 

Now, here's where the fun starts. A week after I moved out, she starts bringing him around my kids. A week later I find out they have decided to get married once they are divorced. 2 weeks later, SHE MOVES HIM INTO THE HOUSE WITH MY KIDS!! Things have been hell since, because the legal process is so slow. She changed the locks and everything. I get the kids 5 days every 2 weeks, so that's good. I'm just worried about the damage it's doing to the kids.

 

She said that even though she makes $70,000 a year (at least until the ethics investigation results in her termination) and I'm going back to school, but she won't give me a dime. I filed for divorce on Dec. 13th, and we'll see what happens. All her friends and family are abandoning her, but she tells anyone who listens that she's happy. Oh, and the OM hasn't even filed for a divorce yet. He makes $8/hr. and she is completely supporting him. Paying his bills, buying clothes, going on trips. She even tried to buy him a car, but her credit is shot because of the foreclosure. And they work side-by-side and are together all day. I found out last week he's been using the phone I got for my son to stay in touch with me. Completely low-rent.

 

Anyway, it's been very hard emotionally, but I think I've done everything right. No late night texts or phone calls, no driving by the house. We had a few arguements early on, but now I only speak with her every 3-4 weeks. I'm just waiting for it all to unravel. I still love her, but I know I will never be with her again.....I couldn't do that to myself.

 

Oh, did I mention my daughter has missed 5 days of school with lice? She got it in Novemeber, and my wife had it for 6 weeks. She can't get them out of the house. Everytime they visit, I get rid of it, and then they go back and get it again. During our marriage, I was the primary caregiver (laundry, cleaning, cooking) just because I had learned to do all that stuff when I was young. Now, she's clueless how to get the little buggers out. I just feel bad for the kids.

 

Anyway, I was gonna start replying to posts, and thought I should tell my story first. It's hard, but I'm doing well. Lost 30 pounds I needed to lose, work out 4-5 times a week, eat right and no drinking Good luck to everybody out there!!

 

Norm

[Duckduckgoose]

Ugh.... lice.

 

Well your wife definitely downgraded I should say. Who trades in a good reliable Acura that might have some dents and scratches (but its got leather seats and you've had it since the odometer was new) for a hunk of junk off the used car lot that smells like cat piss and doesn't even have a clean title or no title?

 

You definitely did the right thing she is really messing her life up. TBH she will probably come crawling back, but its your choice to take her. Ugh... I might just put her back in the dumpster where she found the rat she's shacking up with (not you, the OM).

 

You should qualify for financial assistance for schooling... I have been looking into a career change and right now they seem to be giving money away, but it might depend on the state you live in too.

[norm28]

I'm getting financial aid, but the point is she doesn't want to pay alimony or child support. We live in Florida and the laws are pretty clear, especially about "rehabilitative" alimony, i.e. support while your ex-spouse trains for a new career. She tried to insult my manhood and say "what kind of man asks for alimony and support?" Well, I said:

 

A) you didn't bring up gender roles when I was doing all the laundry, cooking, cleaning and such for 16 years (2+14 married).

B) If the roles were reversed, you're telling me you would slink away without asking for anything.....PLEASE!! You'd take me everything and then some.

 

So, it'll all come out in the wash. The OM is 31 leaving marriage #2 to go into marriage #3. So, he's not much for commitment. I was just worried that being around my kids was teaching them that adultery, deception and hurting people for your own happiness was okay. I took them to counseling (W refused to), and the therapist assured me that they know what mom is doing is wrong. So I feel better about that.

 

Thanks for the kind words, I've actually had my "scratches and dings" fixed during this, and am ready for the next phase of my life!!

[imagine]

GET BACK TO YOUR HOUSE!

 

Your disappearance is the same as abandonment. Go home. She may not lock the doors of your marital residence.

[robf1971]

A week later I find out they have decided to get married once they are divorced. 2 weeks later, SHE MOVES HIM INTO THE HOUSE WITH MY KIDS!! Norm

 

Firstly, go get a background check on this f'ing low life OM, you owe it to your kids. Get a pitbull lawyer, get back into your house legally. Your wife has zero respect for you, get your balls back from her.

[norm28]

The foreclosure hearing on the house is in 2 weeks, and they will be evicted in 6, so there is no use to fight over the house. I got everything out, but in Florida there has to be consent to change the locks, which I never gave. When he got hired by the school district, they did a background check and he was clean, otherwise they wouldn't have hired him. I have been accumulationg loads of evidence of her bad decison making and neglect towards the childrens needs. In 3 weeks, when we have a case management hearing, my lawyer is gonna put it all out there and try to get me my kids. He told me if I could be patient and show restraint, it's better to hit her when she isn't expecting it......especially since she is representing herself and doesn't have a lawyer. I also know that a complaint has been filed with the ethics board, and she will likely lose her job. Rather than go nuts and react to everything she does, I've just sat back and let her keep making mistakes. It's all about to unravel.

[Duckduckgoose]

Yes you are doing good. You are being the bigger person in this situation. Keep hanging on.

 

She is the one that went nutters, not you.

[norm28]

Thanks . After reading my initial post, I felt that I should clarify something. While I may have taken all the right steps, it has by no means been easy. I feel the same pain, anguish and despair that anyone else in this situation feels. I'm just fortunate that I have people around me that I can turn to in an instant and talk about it, and they help me get through it and keep moving forward.

 

Last night was a perfect example. I checked the clerk of court website to see if it had been updated to show she was served. Well, not only did it show she was served, but she already responded!! The courts (and by proxy, lawyers offices) were closed on Thurs and Friday, and she and the OM went out of town from Fri. - Sun. for New Years. So she responded in 3 business days. Here in Florida, you have 20 days to respond, and most people take almost if not all of those 20 days.

 

So my mind started racing. Why does she want this over so quickly? Am I really a bad person? Am I really that horrible to live with that she is moving as fast as possible? But I was able to express those feelings to some people (as well as write in my journal) and get past them and keep moving forward. Still no word from the attorney as to what her response was, but they should get it today, Should be interesting.

 

I guess my point is, even if you do all the right things you still go through an emotional hell. Everyone I've spoken too said a divorce is the most emotionally violent thing they've been through, even more than the death of a loved one. So yeah, it's hell, but what you have to remind yourself is that no matter how you approach it, it's still gonna be hell. So you might as well try to do things right to protect yourself emotionally and legally.

 

Just my opinion.

[Duckduckgoose]

As long as you do everything right, when you look back on it you won't have any regrets about the way you acted.

 

There is the saying "No good deed goes unpunished". And I do believe that 100%. It doesn't stop me from doing the right thing though. When I go to bed each night, I don't want to regret what I've done the past day/week/month. Its better to go to sleep each night knowing I did all I could and in the end if it doesn't work it's not because of what I did.

 

So while she is leaving you, she is doing it in a deceitful manner that will only end in her own heartache. Statistics for affairs becoming lasting partnerships are pretty bleak.

[debtman]

norm,

 

It is certainly the hardest thing to have someone that you've had such a long relationship with and has been a part of your life for so long suddenly just "switch" off their feelings for you. I know how you feel. Even if things weren't perfect, it was still comfortable, certainly had its good moments and was easy. Now, it's over, communication is difficult, there is lots of anger and emotions. I need to stay focused on keeping the contact to a minimum, removing the anger and emotions and staying focused on the kids. Much easier said than done, but it won't help any to let her goad me into a fight, which is all she wants, so that she can justify to herself why it's a good thing that we're getting divorced.

 

There's no fix for insanity and there's nothing you can do to make her fix what is wrong with her.

 

There are lots of things I'm looking forward to, including taking what I've learned in this relationship into my next one, because it will be much better because I'm a smarter, better person because I can admit my faults, recognize them and improve on them.

 

no such luck for her...

 

Good luck and hang in there!

[norm28]

Thanks Debtman, I appreciate it. It's funny, I gotta call from her yesterday, first time in a month. She is going on a cruise for her brothers wedding in February on a weekend she is supposed to have the children. I fully expected her to ask to "exchange weekends" after the nightmare she put me through for Christmas. How wrong I was. I get the kids for 5 days every 2 weeks, Fri.-Wed. She leaves for her trip on Thurs., so she just said "why don't you just take the kids for 10 days?". I was floored by this. Now, I know people will say she is just using me as a babysitter, but who cares? I get my kids for 10 days!! And it happens to fall around the time of our initial case management neeting where I will get 50/50 if not full custody. Florida is a very strict 50/50 state unless there is a good reason for one parent not to have that much time, which she has demonstrated, not me. Anyway, it's pretty obvious she hired a lawyer who told her she needed to cut the crap, because her whole attitude changed once she got the papers.

 

I got a letter last week from the judge presiding over the divorce outlining the type of behavior he expected from us during the divorce, and she has violated it several times. Maybe she'll get a pass because it was before the letter, but who knows?

 

Anyway, thanks for the support buddy, and the good luck to you as well.

[Darth Vader]

Thanks Debtman, I appreciate it. It's funny, I gotta call from her yesterday, first time in a month. She is going on a cruise for her brothers wedding in February on a weekend she is supposed to have the children. I fully expected her to ask to "exchange weekends" after the nightmare she put me through for Christmas. How wrong I was. I get the kids for 5 days every 2 weeks, Fri.-Wed. She leaves for her trip on Thurs., so she just said "why don't you just take the kids for 10 days?". I was floored by this. Now, I know people will say she is just using me as a babysitter, but who cares? I get my kids for 10 days!! And it happens to fall around the time of our initial case management neeting where I will get 50/50 if not full custody. Florida is a very strict 50/50 state unless there is a good reason for one parent not to have that much time, which she has demonstrated, not me. Anyway, it's pretty obvious she hired a lawyer who told her she needed to cut the crap, because her whole attitude changed once she got the papers.

 

I got a letter last week from the judge presiding over the divorce outlining the type of behavior he expected from us during the divorce, and she has violated it several times. Maybe she'll get a pass because it was before the letter, but who knows?

 

Anyway, thanks for the support buddy, and the good luck to you as well.

 

I say document EVERYTHING! Even the violations she commited against the court!

 

Then ask your Lawyer about using any and all of that information against her to get Sole Custody! Think about it man! Do you really want this woman to bring this man, or any other scumbag that'll pay her any attention around your children? There's child molestors, child rapists, OMG! Buddy, Listen and Listen good! Get your children the HELL out of that house and away from your EX as soon as possible!

 

She ain't no good!

[norm28]

I say document EVERYTHING! Even the violations she commited against the court!

 

Then ask your Lawyer about using any and all of that information against her to get Sole Custody! Think about it man! Do you really want this woman to bring this man, or any other scumbag that'll pay her any attention around your children? There's child molestors, child rapists, OMG! Buddy, Listen and Listen good! Get your children the HELL out of that house and away from your EX as soon as possible!

 

She ain't no good!

 

No worries, EVERYTHING has been documented from day 1. Actually, I have documentation of things from before day 1. I've gotten good council and am very well prepared. Just have to sit back and patiently wait for the process and she just keeps making mistakes while we do. We are gonna go for sole custody, and you're right. She ain't no good!!

[norm28]

I once again had to go to the school to pick up my daughter, who after 5 days with my wife has once again gotten lice. That's 3 times since Nov. 19th that she was sent home from school, and 4 times altogether including the one time over Christmas break. She gave in and let me keep the kids tonight, and we'll see how long they stay. Everything is being documented by the school, and my lawyer is going to draw up a motion for emergency full custody. I'll let you all know how it progresses. Oh, and after our conversation, she sent me a text saying "Thanks 4 being civil". Excuse me? I just talked to her Friday and was more than civil. I wonder what that's about.