Marriage: follow my head, or my heart? Career, or love?

[rennelea]

I am having trouble discerning my feelings about if I should get married or not. My heart is telling me "yes," but my brain is telling me "no."

 

I am 23. Many people say I have a lifestyle straight out of a chick-lit book; I work in the publishing field and live in a closet-sized city apartment with a great roommate. I'm quiet. I like reading, contradancing, writing my novel, playing board games with my friends, and trying to earn my master's degree part-time by 2008 (and at this point it looks like 2009). I'm definitely not much of a bar or club chick and the traditional "single life" of the wild and carefree you see on shows like "Sex In The City" doesn't hold much appeal for me.

 

At the same time, though, I like being single. I've had about five relationships, and only one of them was long-term; the rest were nice but vanilla, and I don't make a habit of sticking around with a guy if there's no reason or I don't think they have long-term potential. I can take care of myself financially -- and do. I rent my own apartment, drop payments on a car, and support myself completely. Up until I met my current boyfriend, I fully expected to a spinster and was actually pretty happy about it. I'm pretty feminist.

 

For over a year, I have been dating William. He is 30, but due to having a very unconventional job got released from "academia" at basically the same time I did, so we're on the same track encountering the real world. He's warm, wonderful, gorgeous, and nice. He's an intellectual like me, reads voraciously like me, etc. He and I are of the same faith and we share a lot of goals and morals. I never thought I was the marrying type, but I found myself thinking through the early -- and late -- stages of my relationship with him that if I were to get married he, or a guy like him, would be the type of person I'd want to be married to: a man who said he would take care of the kids so I could get back to my career; a man who loves me dearly; a man who would be there; a man who wants to make a commitment to me once the rings were on. We connect on a lot of levels. And there are times when I see him doing stupid things like waiting patiently in back of a lot of roaringly crazy truckers at an Arby's for a half-hour to get me a roast beef sandwich that I just love him madly madly madly.

 

He is going to propose to me in July. We wouldn't necessarily get married quickly, but he will propose. This I know.

 

If I were older I would marry him in a heartbeat. That's the heart speaking. I think we could have a very good future together.

 

Here's the brain speaking: I am only 23, here. And I'm smart. I'm going to be here in this hick city until 2008, but then I might have to move to get a better job, and he doesn't have the kind of job that just allows him to move. I want a career, I want a high-powered life -- and I know I could get it, were I left to my own devices. I sometimes think I'm too young -- some of my friends are still in school, or living at home. I also have a problem with the "grass is greener on the other side" complex, even though I'm growing more and more convinced that this is pretty damned green grass. Should I wait for something better to come along? I have no desire to be a "young and foolish" club kid and while away my twentysomething years doing stuff like that, like I see many of my peers wanting to do.

 

But I don't want to sacrifice my future to get married. Would I be? For you marrieds, can you tell me whether you did or not? The women of the past worked entirely too hard to get my generation to this point of independence, and all we want to do is get married! Gaaaaaah!!!!! For as much as he says that I wouldn't have to sacrifice my independence, we all know that happens when you get married.

 

He says that there's no reason I couldn't pursue my career goals and be married at the same time. But who knows what the future holds? I don't know if my career would be stellar; I don't know if my marriage would be, either. I just am trying to figure out which to follow: my head, or my heart...? He's my best friend and every day with him I love him more.

 

There are none of the "red flags" that I would see in a potential mate who was wrong for me. But at the same time... well, my red flags are going up at the thought of not being able to pursue the career that I absolutely adore.

 

July is coming fast and I don't know what to do.

[moimeme]

I doubt that you or anybody can find a career that will fulfil them more than a good relationship with a great guy. And great guys are rare gems indeed.

 

I suggest you read some books which have been written lately by women who started out like you - they were eager for the fabulous careers. And got them. And realized that they were not nearly as wonderful as they thought they would be.

 

I suggest you find some women at high levels in your chosen career (that is, if you can) and go talk to them. See what they have to say about the sacrifices they have made.

 

The problem with the grass on the other side is that you are seeing it from a distance, where everything looks pretty. When you get close up, you see that really it's a yard full of very healthy dandelions and crabgrass but you've sold the old house and you're stuck with it now.

 

I've known very bright men and women who've given their hearts and souls to jobs only to be laid off when the economy dips down and their companies just can't afford them. You rarely get in return what you give for a job.

[yes]

why are you so sure you can't have that great career and a high-powered life if you marry him? even if you have to move, and it's hard to move for him, it's not _impossible_. he can be unemployed for a while until he finds something. i mean - something can always be worked out.

 

it sounds like you do love this guy...

 

good luck,

-yes

[lynx]

It is possible to have both a great career and great marriage and it sounds as if this decision is one you may regret. I too am 23 and getting married next month to my fiance who is 28, we've been together for a long time and understand eachothers needs to grow as individuals as well as a couple. I graduated from college and am enjoying my career as well as enjoying my life with my fiance and I don't think it would be the same without having him to share it with. If you truly love this man don't let him go, everything you want to do in your life will work itself out and having someone there for the ride makes all the difference in the world. Good Luck!

[jmargel]

First thing you have to ask yourself. Can you see living life without him, or do you want to? Second question is what is truly more important to you? Like moi said you will never get back from a job in what you put into it. Trust me, I was there. I was an IT Director for a very large county and was looked upto by quite a few. Yea, the power felt good, I was able to mingle with other top directors, judges, state officials, etc.. but that all ended when I was 'laid' off. Bad financial decisions by others resulted in this. Over 5 years of hard work, gone. Nothing to show for it.

 

I was also in your situation when I was getting out of college. I wanted to join the FBI and they said I have a really good chance at becoming an agent. However it would mean two years in Virginina, and five more over the road. I was with someone then, and I decided that my heart was with her. The coporate world doesn't give a rat's ass about you.

 

Also you have to define the word success. What does it mean to you. To some it means having the highest paying job and the biggest title. To others it just means being happy, not caring how much money you make. Personally after experiencing what I did, I would rather be with the one I love and make minimum wage. I would be much happier doing that.

 

And the grass isn't always greener on the other side. If you have that kind of mentality, you'll always be single. Life doesn't come with an instruction book, so you can't predict the future. Just enjoy life as it is, and don't worry about what is going to happen years from now.