Stayin' friends

[artlover]

Quick debrief:

 

I have a friend who seemed attracted to me from the start. I wasn't interested. We became closer then I got interested and he was still interested. The talking/touching/flirting got more and more intense. Then we discussed the next step. We both admitted our feelings, discussed the possible drawbacks and decided to play it by ear...

 

Well, last night he told me he wants to just stay friends "at least for now." Not feeling very settled (he actually quit his job yesterday), not in right frame of mind, unsure it will work out between us (wants guarantees--he's younger and of course I explained there's no such thing). I'm the first friend (certainly woman) he has had that shares a love of writing and a love of sports and he's been waiting for this and he doesn't want to lose it, etc, etc, etc. Oh and yes he doesn't feel he can handle the pain of another break up or mistake (he jumped into a relationship with a woman earlier this year. It was sexual quickly and then he felt it couldn't go anywhere so he ended it. He ended up sick for two weeks from the guilt!).

 

Ok, here's my question. His birthday is tomorrow and we already have plans for me to take him out. Of course I will keep those plans. My instincts tell me I should just continue to be his friend and give him all the time/space he needs. However, if he started dating someone else within the next few months I would be really pissed. Should I back off from the friendship or is that a totally selfish immature thing to do? We've never even so much as kissed each other so I certainly don't feel led astray in any way...

 

Tony, any advice?

[Tony T]

You know, these friendship deals are the hardest relationship problems to deal with because they can go either way.

 

Stay his friend, but pull back a bit. Don't spend a lot of time with him, talk with him on the phone but vary the length of the calls, AWAYS be the first to end the call, make other plans on the weekends...only spend one or two Friday or Saturday nights with him per month....do whatever you have to do to make it very clear to him that you are NOT putting your life on hold for him. Don't come out and tell him that, just show him by your actions.

 

It is not easy for a man to really get romanitically into a lady who is there all the time, who is very predictable, and who he already knows is attracted to him. You let the cat out of the bag so there's no good reason for a chase now...something men really like to do. Men are hunters and they like to track down their ladies...many even love the chase more than the catch. Anticipation is more gratifying that consumation...an old saying.

 

If you follow my directions above, then you will give him a chase...a run for his money and he will get interested. Don't be so unavailable that you totally discourage him but the two of you are NOT an item and he has to be clear that you have a life to live.

 

A few times he ends of sitting alone because you don't answer the phone, you are elsewhere, you have other plans, etc., he'll start realizing that if he doesn't make a move he'll lose you.

 

Oh, yes, you said you would be pissed if he started dating somebody in a month or two. He is quite free to do that. If sometime he calls and your mom or sister answer the phone and let him know YOU are out on a date, he will go out of his mind!!! You obviously don't understand men...they are pretty complex creatures...but I've layed it all out here for you.

 

Don't put your life on hold. Do your own thing. If you can fit this guy in here and there, fine. But to completely depend on him to come your way once he thinks he's ready is simply a crazy thing to do. And the ONLY way he's going to come around and get truly interested is if you do the things I recommend.

 

Even after you have him, you still have to be unpredictable and a challenge in order to hold his interest.

 

Isn't love such a bxtch???

[Deejette]

I don't think it is possible to be friends with a man once the romantic barriers have been crossed (unless you are the one who says, "Let's be friends." But I have found that that does not really work either, because they still want physical closeness. Love is difficult because of the feelings of rejection that we have to deal with. We all fear rejection because somehow it says something to us about our value as a person. But there are so many reasons for why things don't work out just the way we would like them to. And as long as things don't go precisely the way we want them to be, we will be upset, unhappy, and feel that if only we had this one thing, the problems of life would be much easier to bear.

 

But no one can give this to us. Expecting this is what causes problems in love. But talking about it on Loveshack at least lets you know that others have gone through the stuff you are dealing with now, and that is comforting.

[artlover]

He and I never even kissed each other! We flirted and we admitted a mutual attraction, but that's it. Sure, I feel a bit rejected, but I'm a grown up who can handle that. No one always gets what they want when they want it. When I mentioned we were stayin' friends the immediate assumption was that I wanted to be more still. But actually my friend's idea of relationships has more to do with fear than love at this point. He's young and because he lost his father to a terminal illness as a teenager he is terrified of any kind of loss. He wants love with a guarantee. I told him that doesn't exist, but he's not ready to hear me yet. As you can see from above, I'm not much into game playing. When I met my only serious boyfriend (6 years) he and I hit it off after the first date. There were a few snags but it all worked out rather quickly. Once we were together, we were together. No games, no pulling away, no "let's see other people." Just the two of us until it was over. And when it was over, it was over.

 

When you meet the right person, I don't think you have to play games. However, that doesn't mean giving up your friends and your life for someone else. You have to stay separate. But I think it's far more interesting to be busy than to pretend to be busy. Having said all that, I'm going to stay friends with my friend and if more is meant to come out of this in the future it will and if not, c'est la vie!

[Tony T]

Sounds like you have a pretty good situation going with this guy but he does have serious abandonment issues. A man like that is more likely to want to remain friends because the threat of abandonment is far less in a friendship than in a less predictable romantic relationship.

 

I don't like the idea of games myself...I like your idea of being truly busy and not pretending to be busy. You are playing the game and not playing at the same time. I think Mr. Right is just as likely to be attracted to an aloof, unpredictable challenging female Ms. Right as some butthole on the block. I'll play games if the situation calls for it because I'm very good, as a matter of fact excelent, at it. But it takes a lot of practice and most people aren't into the work.

 

The fact remains that most people are just not fired up about stuff that lands on their place out of the sky. They like to work for it, worry about it, lose sleep over it, and post messages about it on this forum. If it's too easy, it must not be worth it. Both men and women become nauseated when someone comes on like gangbusters. Even if it's the most attractive person in the world, they start wondering what the hell is wrong.

 

Isn't love a real bxtch???

[Deejette]

Artlover sounds pretty mature and sensible about not playing games. I also think that Tony is right about fretting and stressing over love. I have a men that call me every day, but I stress and fret over the one that calls inconsistently or infrequently. I guess it must be human nature or the nature of romantic love. No matter how many men call me, I still pine after that stray guy that doesn't fit into my agenda neatly. If he were truly available to me I would not want him as much. That is sad, because what does that say about being in love? Recently I went with a man that was very incompatible with me. He is a professional gambler, or what is known as a "Rounder." His hours were horrendous (he got to sleep when I got up for the day), his health style was horrible too. Plus he was much older and looked it. He wasn't even good-looking. But I fell madly in love with him and called him up lots and also, when I saw him I would look into his eyes and tell him how in love I was with him. I thought, let me ruin this relationship by showing him a lot of interest. I wanted to experiment and I thought, "If I sacrifice this relationship by throwing myself at him, it's OK, because this relationship isn't going to ever go anywhere." Sure enough, this guy, who wasn't even worthy of me, ended up mistreating me by not calling me when he said he would, went out to singles dances and was hitting on other women in front of my friends who observed and reported it back to me. I realized that the experiment worked but it still hurt.

Sounds like you have a pretty good situation going with this guy but he does have serious abandonment issues. A man like that is more likely to want to remain friends because the threat of abandonment is far less in a friendship than in a less predictable romantic relationship. I don't like the idea of games myself...I like your idea of being truly busy and not pretending to be busy. You are playing the game and not playing at the same time. I think Mr. Right is just as likely to be attracted to an aloof, unpredictable challenging female Ms. Right as some butthole on the block. I'll play games if the situation calls for it because I'm very good, as a matter of fact excelent, at it. But it takes a lot of practice and most people aren't into the work.

 

The fact remains that most people are just not fired up about stuff that lands on their place out of the sky. They like to work for it, worry about it, lose sleep over it, and post messages about it on this forum. If it's too easy, it must not be worth it. Both men and women become nauseated when someone comes on like gangbusters. Even if it's the most attractive person in the world, they start wondering what the hell is wrong. Isn't love a real bxtch???