OceanGirl Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 The guy that I am going on a date with on Saturday, wrote in his profile that he is looking to start out as friends and then see where it goes. He also wrote that he is after a LTR and wants a girl that ultimately wants to settle down and have a family. I am a bit confused by "friends first". Does he mean friends with benefits? Does he mean platonic friends? I kind of find it hard to beleive that any guy wants to be "platonic friends" first. When I spoke to him on the phone, he asked me how many men have I met off OKC. When I asked him the same question, he just said "3, I am just meeting people, having a chat" - which sounds really casual. Sidenote: He is extremely good looking. 6'3", ripped, dark long-ish hair, green eyes, olive complexion. What's your take on this? Link to post Share on other sites
northern_sky Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 The guy that I am going on a date with on Saturday, wrote in his profile that he is looking to start out as friends and then see where it goes. He also wrote that he is after a LTR and wants a girl that ultimately wants to settle down and have a family. I am a bit confused by "friends first". Does he mean friends with benefits? Does he mean platonic friends? I kind of find it hard to beleive that any guy wants to be "platonic friends" first. When I spoke to him on the phone, he asked me how many men have I met off OKC. When I asked him the same question, he just said "3, I am just meeting people, having a chat" - which sounds really casual. Sidenote: He is extremely good looking. 6'3", ripped, dark long-ish hair, green eyes, olive complexion. What's your take on this? Hmm. It's a bit odd, but hard to make heads or tails of it without more info. Also a little strange that he asked you how many guys you've met off the site -- could be sign of a controller. I'll quit my negative nancy yapping, though. Have fun! Link to post Share on other sites
Surrealist Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 He could well be genuinely looking for an LTR. He may be good looking but may also be a little reserved and understands that good LTRs are based more on a steady friendship rather than sex or 'love at first site'. I think he is definitely worth considering! Link to post Share on other sites
bonerman Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 He could well be genuinely looking for an LTR. He may be good looking but may also be a little reserved and understands that good LTRs are based more on a steady friendship rather than sex or 'love at first site'. I think he is definitely worth considering! I think it's weird that someone on a dating site wants to be friends first. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I am a bit confused by "friends first". Does he mean friends with benefits? Does he mean platonic friends? I kind of find it hard to beleive that any guy wants to be "platonic friends" first. It might just mean that he wants to start slowly and get to know you over what he thinks is a relatively large number of dates before jumping in to bed, but I can't be sure of that. Could you ask him what it means? If you're looking for a relationship (and not just looking to make new friends) then tell him this and ask him to explain how his statement is compatible with what you want. As least you have something to talk about on the first date! Link to post Share on other sites
Colorless Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I think it's weird that someone on a dating site wants to be friends first. This is true. Anyone who is on a dating website.................. Link to post Share on other sites
creighton0123 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 When people say they're just looking to be friends first, he means that he doesn't want to rush into anything too quickly. "Let's be friends first" is just something people say when they're not comfortable with being absolutely honest when it comes to whether or not they like someone. In my past experience, people who threw the "Let's be friends first" card tended to be those who were uncomfortable telling people that they're not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 OMG, I cannot BELIEVE people find this "weird" or anything else of the sort! Better if he were looking to get RIGHT into someone's pants like MOST guys are? Seems to me one would be happy to have the pressure OFF about all that crap and be allowed time to actually get to know a person's brain before intimately knowing their junk. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Guys who have thrown out the "friends first" card have always just ditched me after one or two dates by going totally AWOL (and there was no physical intimacy). Like Creighton said, it's usually something that guys who have difficulty telling people they're just not interested say. So if he's not interested, don't be surprised if he vanishes on you instead of being up-front. Link to post Share on other sites
EasyHeart Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 OMG, I cannot believe that I am going to agree with DonnaMaybe!!! There is nothing weird about wanting to be 'friends first'. This is how grown ups date. Some of you should give it a try and maybe you wouldn't have to post on LS about all the drama and turmoil in your dating lives! Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Many people, the ones who claim that a guy says that when he's not interested, are obviously missing the fact that IT IS IN HIS PROFILE. How can you be uninterested in EVERY woman, yet want to even MAKE a profile? Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Obviously I didn't mean it that way, Donna. What was meant by that was that they're usually the type to be uncomfortable telling someone up-front that they're not interested after going out on a date or two. In my experience they're most likely the ones to go AWOL with absolutely no explanation. Variations I've seen on this include "I'm interested in just meeting new people, seeing where things go...blah blah." Every guy I went out with who included something like that in his profile = wishy-washy vanishing artist. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Obviously I didn't mean it that way, Donna. What was meant by that was that they're usually the type to be uncomfortable telling someone up-front that they're not interested after going out on a date or two. In my experience they're most likely the ones to go AWOL with absolutely no explanation. Sorry. It wasn't obvious to me, really. I just don't get why someone can't conceive of the idea that a guy wants to get in a girl's head before he gets in her pants. Are we really that jaded? Has everyone known only neanderthals to date? Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Sorry. It wasn't obvious to me, really. I just don't get why someone can't conceive of the idea that a guy wants to get in a girl's head before he gets in her pants. Are we really that jaded? Has everyone known only neanderthals to date? Maybe we are that jaded, but when it comes down to it, if you really are interested in getting into a girl's head before her pants, then it's best to communicate that through action instead of just talking about it. Let the girl see for herself when she goes out with you. I liken it to those guys who say they're "nice" or "genuine" or whatever else like that in their profile. Those are always the guys who turn out to be slimy douchebags. Link to post Share on other sites
irc333 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I think "Friends first" was invented to not scare off the other party (typically , I think, women) so a man can ease into dating her. But, then you have those guys that get "friendzoned" so a guy doesn't want that either. But it's funny, some friends of said guy would see him with a cute woman, and they ask him later, "Heeeey, who was that cutie I saw you with the other night....hot date?" And he goes, in a rather not so caring manner, "Eh, we're just friends hangin' out" and shrugs his shoulders. And the friend who asks this is perplexed. lol I think the reason for the guy's response is he's trying to be friends with her as to not scare her a way. Wierd, I know. lol He could well be genuinely looking for an LTR. He may be good looking but may also be a little reserved and understands that good LTRs are based more on a steady friendship rather than sex or 'love at first site'. I think he is definitely worth considering! Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Maybe we are that jaded, but when it comes down to it, if you really are interested in getting into a girl's head before her pants, then it's best to communicate that through action instead of just talking about it. Let the girl see for herself when she goes out with you. I liken it to those guys who say they're "nice" or "genuine" or whatever else like that in their profile. Those are always the guys who turn out to be slimy douchebags. Well, even after working in criminal justice for over 25 years, I still take people at their word UNTIL they show me otherwise. But that's just me. I'm not ready to nail a guy to the cross before I've even met him. Additionally, if you think there aren't girls on dating sits who ONLY want to get laid, you're wrong. The intro will, hopefully, weed out the skanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 OMG, I cannot BELIEVE people find this "weird" or anything else of the sort! Better if he were looking to get RIGHT into someone's pants like MOST guys are? Seems to me one would be happy to have the pressure OFF about all that crap and be allowed time to actually get to know a person's brain before intimately knowing their junk. SERIOUSLY!! There is nothing weird about it at all!! Guys who have thrown out the "friends first" card have always just ditched me after one or two dates by going totally AWOL (and there was no physical intimacy). Like Creighton said, it's usually something that guys who have difficulty telling people they're just not interested say. So if he's not interested, don't be surprised if he vanishes on you instead of being up-front. I'm not surprised, A. In the past, you've measured interest with a sex stick (as has NS and OG), and that's what you're putting on the table. A guy who wants to get to know a woman first is going to pick up on those sexual vibes and not be interested, because he knows you're not capable/interested in building emotional intimacy before getting naked. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Maybe we are that jaded, but when it comes down to it, if you really are interested in getting into a girl's head before her pants, then it's best to communicate that through action instead of just talking about it. Let the girl see for herself when she goes out with you. But that won't work for you, or NS, or OG, because y'all measure interest with a sex stick. If he's not trying to get in your pants, you think he's not interested. And then you try to get into his to test his interest/make him like you. Men who are interested in knowing your core first are going to run fast from women who share your thought process/behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 But that won't work for you, or NS, or OG, because y'all measure interest with a sex stick. If he's not trying to get in your pants, you think he's not interested. And then you try to get into his to test his interest/make him like you. Men who are interested in knowing your core first are going to run fast from women who share your thought process/behavior. Sorry, but that's nothing like my thought process. Anyway, with my recent exploits in multi-dating I've been almost completely refraining from physical intimacy, focusing on the getting-to-know-you bit. On the vast majority of dates there wasn't anything beyond a hug, it was all super-chaste and casual, I didn't assume I was being friendzoned because that would've made what I was trying completely pointless, I expressed interest in seeing them again, and yet they still disappeared with no word. Yes, all those guys included the "Friends first" or something similar to that in their profile. Those experiences are what I based my previous statements on and I stand by them. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Sorry, but that's nothing like my thought process. Anyway, with my recent exploits in multi-dating I've been almost completely refraining from physical intimacy, focusing on the getting-to-know-you bit. On the vast majority of dates there wasn't anything beyond a hug, it was all super-chaste and casual, I didn't assume I was being friendzoned because that would've made what I was trying completely pointless, I expressed interest in seeing them again, and yet they still disappeared with no word. Yes, all those guys included the "Friends first" or something similar to that in their profile. Those experiences are what I based my previous statements on and I stand by them.It could have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you're ready to jump in the sack, or does that thought never even cross your mind? Perhaps the guys you have been keeping it "friends only" with DO want to only get laid. Or perhaps they just aren't into your personality type. We all have our own criteria, and there's nothing wrong with that. And that was NOT an intended insult to your personality. Not at all. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 It could have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you're ready to jump in the sack, or does that thought never even cross your mind? Perhaps the guys you have been keeping it "friends only" with DO want to only get laid. Or perhaps they just aren't into your personality type. We all have our own criteria, and there's nothing wrong with that. Yes, I totally understand that and it has crossed my mind. But I'm not talking about WHY they bailed. I'm saying that in my experience, for whatever reason, the guys I've gone out with who clearly say "Friends first" or "Meeting new people" or something similar in their profile are always the ones who just disappear without telling you WHY they're not interested, or even just that they're not interested. As was stated before, it would seem they're wishy-washy/uncomfortable with being honest about their feelings, whatever they're based on, so they just cut and run. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Well, perhaps it was as Star stated: maybe the "friends first" guys got a certain vibe from you, regardless of your actions. You never know. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Well, perhaps it was as Star stated: maybe the "friends first" guys got a certain vibe from you, regardless of your actions. You never know. Yeah, and you "never know" because they just disappear without telling you anything, which is my point. Link to post Share on other sites
Thierro Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I guess I am one of those guy's you are referring to. I recently registered on OCK because you guy's made me curious and maybe find some people with the same interests so we could have a nice talk. I also stated in my profile that I am not looking for a girlfriend. I am not ready yet and I want to be single for a while and be happy on my own. And even if a girl would approach me that seems very genuine and nice; I want to take the time to get to know each other. I don't want to rush things. I want to have a bond before I do anything romantically or sexually. I also want to start out as friends. No need for any pressure. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Yeah, and you "never know" because they just disappear without telling you anything, which is my point. If the "anything" they had to say might hurt your feelings, that could be the situation. But the common denominator in all these situations is you, unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
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