scichick Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 [sIZE=3]I got married last year,after 10 years together (my first proper boyfriend) and started a new job prior to the wedding. I became attracted to a guy at work and have since left the company due to redundancy. After i left the company I often thought about the other guy and hung out with him and his friends with my husband. We both have similar interests in sports whereas my husband doesnt do sports and I feel like i have changed from the person I was 10 years ago. there have been some issues between me and my husband prior to the marriag ebut we took them as jitters. Things changed though at the work christmas party which I went back to. Basically I spent the whole night dancing with him which was great and then we went to the office after the disco ended and chatted. Nothing happened but I wanted something to and i could sense he did too. now the problem came a day later when I couldnt keep my emotions in anymore and sent an email saying i was attracted to him and that maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore. He admitted he liked me too but said maybe we could try and be friends as we both suspected we liked each other anyway. So we have stayed in contact by texts/emails. Its a problem though as I am starting to resent my husband, even though hes done nothing wrong and is totally devoted to me. I just can't stop thinking about the other guy , I dont want him out of my life but i know the grass is never greener. The other guy has respected the fact i'm married and just wants to be friends rather than nothing at all. I Don't know what to do. thanks [/sIZE] Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Yes you do know what to do. You have to end your friendship. You know you can not just be friends with him. If you can not end your friendship then you need to be honest with your husband and tell him how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 [sIZE=3][sIZE=3]Things changed though at the work christmas party which I went back to. Basically I spent the whole night dancing with him which was great and then we went to the office after the disco ended and chatted. Nothing happened but I wanted something to and i could sense he did too. now the problem came a day later when I couldnt keep my emotions in anymore and sent an email saying i was attracted to him and that maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore. He admitted he liked me too but said maybe we could try and be friends as we both suspected we liked each other anyway. So we have stayed in contact by texts/emails. Its a problem though as I am starting to resent my husband, even though hes done nothing wrong and is totally devoted to me. I just can't stop thinking about the other guy , I dont want him out of my life but i know the grass is never greener. The other guy has respected the fact i'm married and just wants to be friends rather than nothing at all. I Don't know what to do.[/sIZE] [sIZE=3]thanks[/sIZE] [sIZE=3][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][/sIZE] Why would you confide your feelings to this other guy, and not to your husband? It is NORMAL to develop attractions to other people while married. You are married, not dead . I think you need a more realistic view of marriage. Marriage is a commitment to a relationship. That relationship certainly can be romantic and fulfilling, but it takes work to make it and keep it that way. Part of that work is openly communicating with your partner, and refraining from having inappropriate communication with other men. It sounds like you are doing just the opposite (keeping a secret from your H, and confiding in the other guy). You can not expect any marriage to be strong and fulfilling with that formula. Link to post Share on other sites
elemental1 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 i am in a similar situation, except i am on the opposite end. my gf of almost 8 years started a new job a little over a year ago and became attracted to her asst. manager. i was never jealous or suspicious about her before until then, but my gf is very honest with me. she even told me she had a little crush on this guy and brought up the idea of an open relationship - which i dont want. the point i am getting is that as bad as knowing that the woman i love, the mother of my child, wants to have sex with another man or has a crush on another man - i would still rather know then be oblivious and find out somehow from another source. it still hurts, but you have to choose between the lesser of two evils and decide what you truly want. it could just be a fleeting urge brought on by boredom in your own marriage - or - it could mean that you just want something different in your life. either way, prolonging it just makes it worse. my two cents Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 [sIZE=3]I feel like i have changed from the person I was 10 years ago. ] So why the f' did you marry him last year then? Seriously why do some people even bother getting married, totally immature. Link to post Share on other sites
Hi.P.O'Crit Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Its a problem though as I am starting to resent my husband, even though hes done nothing wrong and is totally devoted to me....The other guy has respected the fact i'm married and just wants to be friends rather than nothing at all. I Don't know what to do. I've been in this guy's shoes. If you want to keep your marriage, stay clear of him. The attraction will only grow. You're already emotionally distancing yourself from your husband which will aid you in starting a relationship with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 [sIZE=3] i was attracted to him and that maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore. He admitted he liked me too but said maybe we could try and be friends as we both suspected we liked each other anyway. So we have stayed in contact by texts/emails. You are having an emotional affair, How would you feel if your husband, was doing the same thing as you? Dancing with the pretty girl from accounts all night and sending her lovesick emails? Link to post Share on other sites
Hi.P.O'Crit Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 You may have changed in the last 10 years. It's possible your husband also feels he has changed. That's not a bad thing. The question is will you, do you, want to change together? Maybe you two need to start dating a again. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 You cannot be friends with this guy if you want to stay married to your husband. You have to break off all contact now and stick with it. If you still find yourself struggling you need to tell your husband and seem individual counseling. The other poster is right, just because you are married does not mean you will not be attracted to others. You have to set boundaries for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
lavendera Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 You need to run, not walk, to the nearest bookstore and buy the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Quick and easy read. Take it to heart. Think about the pain your husband would be in while you're reading it. Think about the mess you'd make if you pursue this. Right now you're already cheating emotionally and you know that. If your H knew today, just the little that went down that night he would be crushed. Think about whether you want to deliver that much pain to him by continuing to talk to this person. One year married, no kids. If you're really that unhappy because your husband doesn't do sports (!) then get a divorce and let him move on before you destroy him. Link to post Share on other sites
Jack & Coke Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 The following advice only applies if you want to work things out with your husband. If you think things are too far gone then don't bother. First, end all contact with the guy IMMEDIATELY. Your emotions will get the best of you and you WILL step out on your husband, not only emotionally, but you WILL have sex with this man. Nip it in the bud and don't look back. This means any and all communication as friends, co-workers, acquaintances and beyond. The closer you can get to not knowing this guy exists the better. Second, reaffirm your commitment to your husband in your mind and run back to him with enthusiasm. Remember why you fell in love with him and nurture those things. Alleviate any hurdles or problems in your relationship that might create separation in this regard. Crushes can come and go. If this happened one year in then it can and will happen later on down the road. Learn to deal with it now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scichick Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 Hiya, Thankyou for the neutral (ish!) advice. I posted on this forum as I didn't have anyone I could talk to about it and wanted to get some neutral advice. I understand what I have to do now and thats cut the guy off and focus on my marriage - its just a test and I have to overcome it and as one post mentions, its ok to have attractions just not to let them take control and in this case it overcame me . I know some of the postings are resentful of my actions but when emotions are involved people do stupid things and logic sometimes goes out the window. I have done stupid stuff before when im thinking irrationally and I think sending that email was very stupid in hinsight W I am going to cut the guy off tommorrow and tell him that I can't see him anymore. He will understand. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Just divorce your husband now and get it over with. This marriage is doomed anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Just divorce your husband now and get it over with. This marriage is doomed anyway. No... its not. I worked with a couple of guys I was attracted to while I was with my H. I kept it friendly and lighthearted even though I wanted something more from them. I never flirted or touched, etc. I just did nice things for them (like give them a piece of gum) instead. What I did with the feelings I had for them? Well there is a saying: "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home". All the things I wanted to do with those guys I did to my H instead. Husband never complained about it:cool: Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I am going to cut the guy off tommorrow and tell him that I can't see him anymore. He will understand. Perfect! Congratulations... Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I am going to cut the guy off tommorrow and tell him that I can't see him anymore. He will understand. Thanks You are a smart woman. If we didn't get attracted to other people we wouldn't be human, marriage is hard work. I think you need to work on this with your husband Link to post Share on other sites
pyroguy Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 No... its not. I worked with a couple of guys I was attracted to while I was with my H. I kept it friendly and lighthearted even though I wanted something more from them. I never flirted or touched, etc. I just did nice things for them (like give them a piece of gum) instead. What I did with the feelings I had for them? Well there is a saying: "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home". All the things I wanted to do with those guys I did to my H instead. Husband never complained about it:cool: Ughhh, I hate that sentiment! wow, what a favor you do for your husband. I'd hate that it was so hard for my wife to be with me, that she needs the energy from others to get with me-pathetic. For those who talk about all this attraction to others, how do you define attraction? a good looking person, yes, but women here act like everytime there is a goodlooking man, they're attracted to act, tempted, really? there's good looking people everywhere, in almost every venue you attend. Does that mean you're tempted every second of the day? God, marriage is just a waste of valuable time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scichick Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 Sorry, I have to call you up on this. This guy I was attracted to isn't good looking. To be honest I have never paid attention to guys before and most of my friends are guys but with this guy it was different we just clicked it wasn't about the looks, thats not how I would choose a person its whats inside. Maybe other people just go for looks. But thats behind now As I have told the guy I don't want to see him even as friends anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Ughhh, I hate that sentiment! wow, what a favor you do for your husband. I'd hate that it was so hard for my wife to be with me, that she needs the energy from others to get with me-pathetic. It doesn't mean that it is hard to be with the spouse, or that she (or he) needs the energy from others to be with the spouse. It just means that energy can sometimes come from other people, and the couple chooses to embrace that energy rather than denying it. For those who talk about all this attraction to others, how do you define attraction? a good looking person, yes, but women here act like everytime there is a goodlooking man, they're attracted to act, tempted, really? there's good looking people everywhere, in almost every venue you attend. Does that mean you're tempted every second of the day? God, marriage is just a waste of valuable time. No, it is more about being in a relationship for many years, and along the way realizing that you have an intense attraction for and connection with someone else--someone you WOULD pursue if you weren't already committed. It happens, and it is normal. IMO, sometimes people read too much into it, and assume that it means something is lacking in their marriage, or that they should be with the new person. I disagree. No matter who I married, I would eventually meet someone else to whom I also felt attraction and connection, yet I still choose to be committed to only one wonderful man Link to post Share on other sites
pyroguy Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Well, you need to look around and see that far too many people do act on it. Furtherm from what i see, it seems like more and more spouses aren't into eachother. It's just pathetic. Throw in the hideous cheating statistics, and you have a mess. I hear you, and I'm no angel either. I make myself sick sometimes:p. I don't know, there's just something about it that bothers me these days. I just would rather not be married these days..and I'm married:o I work too hard to just have my wife want someone else..and maybe she can feel the same. It just doesn't turn me on to know my wife wants another man- I guess i'm crazy like that. It's a definite erection killer and makes me less emotionally present too..if it was likle the OP's story, or how you put it: "intense connection". I just don't get that close with other females to get to that point, and if I do, I have to at least be open to the fact that maybe my marriage isn't so great afterall. Attraction, yes? in a sexual way, yes, a connection? uhh, another story. Link to post Share on other sites
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