is he showing remorse?

[dumbchick]

I found out last xmas my partner of 20years was having an EA for the last 8. We decided to work through it. I had 5 sessions of counceling to try to sort my head out, it was so minced, as I'd never told anybody, apart from posting on here, and blurting it all out to my cousin one night when I was drunk and got upset. My problem is my anxieties. In the run up to xmas I could feel myself getting more and more anxious. I couldn't stop myself from obsessing about what had happened. We have talked and talked about it and in many ways our relationship is so much better now, I know there is NC with OP, he txts me every day, tells me he loves me most days, sex life is very much better now, and he buys me present after present ( almost over the top) but he cannot tell me WHY he let it happen apart from- He was there and I was here (He was working away from home) 2 lonely people who got on well together, mainly by text. He will not open up to me fully, just wants to move on.

There was only him and his mother, and I only actually found out this year the depth of influence she had in his life, . She was OTT religious and since he was a teen he rebelled. He was married for 5 years before I was with him, and I was also married before. We stayed with her for 6months whilst building our house and it was sheer Hell. We had to have separate bedrooms, and out of respect for her we never had sex under her roof. she was always on at me about what it said in the Bible. I didn't tell him much of what was going on, as it was only a temporary arrangement, but I didn't know she was on and on at him from day 1, that I was another man's wife, had 2 children and was 5yrs older than him. We were already together 4 yrs but that explained a lot of why he couldn't always get an erection and why we had problems in that dept.even when we got into our own house. God knows what she would have made of her perfect son and his EA!!

Anyway on with the facts - I am obsessing in my head, crying more and all the ifs and ands are there constantly, and the anger has reappeared with a vengeance.I find I am turning this on myself and hitting myself over and over on my face and head He is a Libra as am I, but he cannot deal with conflict and all I want is for him to bring it up for once, just to acknowledge what I am going through but he won't or can't, with the result I get angry and we row. He can't see I just need to talk. He says I can't talk calmly without getting angry and he can't bear to see me cry. I know he is very very sorry for hurting me, I just want to know he's really sorry that he got into it in the first place. He says he is, but only when I bring it up. I really need another perspective on this please. Is it me wanting blood, the time of year bringing it all back so vividly or will I ever truly get over it. I do truly love him and he's not a bad person, just made a bad decision. I really thought I was getting to grips with it all but it's like it's haunting me.I keep thinking he might be wishing he'd actually gone to her instead of all the sh.. he's putting up with here. Am I just torturing myself? Does it seem like he's remorseful and I just cannot see it

Has anyone any thoughts on how his upbringing might have had something to do with all this. I have never known him to stand up to his mother.He has no other family at all, no one he could speak to. He just didn't tell her what he was up to -ever. It's almost like that made him become sneaky