girlfriend had 4 year relationship with MM

[Ellin]

She told me last week about her relationship, ever since than I just have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. She said she wanted him to leave his wife. This raises a huge red flag. she said she regrets it but i dont know if you can regret somthing youve been in for 4 years. i just lost so much respect for her and like the saying goes "once a cheater, always a cheater" that goes for both people involved. I really loved her but I dont feel someone who would do somthing like that is worthy of my time. I think its time to kick her to the curb.

 

She didn't "cheat" on anyone, as she was single. The MM cheated on his W.

 

I understand that this is not a perfect conduct but everyone makes mistakes and she regrets it. Yes, you can regret something that lasted 4 years. If you read some OW stories here you might be able to understand why it is so hard for them to get out of an A, even if they're not happy and not quite comfortable with it.

 

But if you're looking for a moral perfection, go ahead. It probably wouldn't be a huge loss for her in the long run.

 

The only sad thing is that you will "teach" her that she shouldn't be so honest with the next man in her life.

[pureinheart]

Just be honest with her, let her know how it makes you feel, hearing that she had an affair with a MM. She didn't have to tell you, but she did. That in itself, took courage and I'm sure she was scared to tell you..Felt she needed to let you know before things get too serious and later you might find out or freak out.

 

If she has changed her ways and isn't involved with him at all (no contact) anymore, then give her a chance, see where your relationship goes.

 

But, if you feel you can't trust her and what she did in her past bothers you so much, and you can't get past it, break up with her now before things get even more serious.

 

Yes it did take a lot of courage...for me, after seeing a person more than two times, they get the whole enchillada...I don't care if they stay or leave afterwards.

 

I had a hysterectomy at 27, so the first thing I would let them know...if you want kids (more kids) look elsewhere:D.

 

I respect the dealbreakers, no love lost IMO. I don't want anyone who does not want all of me.

[hopesndreams]

i just lost so much respect for her

 

No Respect=No Love

[BB07]

LOL, BB...if a person has been on this earth for more than 2 days they already have baggage.

 

, I have to have a very compassionate, loving, open and most of all forgiving person in my court...if the person is not, then that be the dealbreaker...I am very human and I will tell you the truth, some can't handle the truth.

 

See YellowShark, your post from a previous thread has started me thinking on what "I" want and need for a change ((((((((hugs))))))), thank you:)

 

Pure.......you are right, we all have baggage, well adults anyway. I have more than my share, some self inflicted and some not, but it is what it is. Be nice if we could wipe the slate clean, wouldn't it? I wish I could.

[BB07]

The bolded text above is what I am speaking about. People who knowingly cheat and are ok living in an affair ARE essentially devious and cruel.., so I simply prefer to date a woman who sees eye to eye with me on that.

 

 

 

Well don't dump ALL men into the category of your MM/AP. We are not all like that. He lied to you from the get-go, it's no secret that most WS are lying in one way or another to the AP and BS.

 

I won't.......or I hope I won't. lol Maybe when I'm healed, I'll have a different frame of mind, but right now, when I'm out and I see a man that gets a 2nd look, my mind says.....ummmm wonder what they have to hide? Not good thinking is it?

The lies in my situation to me and the bs were really heinous and sadly, that is probably more the norm than not but my perception could be off.

[greengoddess]

Curious zasw what made her tell you about this relationship with the married man?

 

If it was out of love and respect for you and needing to share her whole past then maybe you should try to respect that she knows she made a mistake and has changed and loves you enough to need to share everything with you.

 

Was she young and naive and taken in by this guy? How did her relationship end? Married men can be real believable charmers.

 

Four years is tough though. That's a long time to be sneaking around.

 

I guess for me the reason she told you would mean a lot.

[pureinheart]

Pure.......you are right, we all have baggage, well adults anyway. I have more than my share, some self inflicted and some not, but it is what it is. Be nice if we could wipe the slate clean, wouldn't it? I wish I could.

 

Oh yes...I guess somehow, someway we have to find some good in these unfortunate situations:o

[KarmasTestDummy]

I'm with Ellin. How is she the cheater? She was not in a committed relationship with someone else. In fact she may be the most loyal person you'll ever meet, staying devoted and true to a man out of love based solely on false promises and hope...for 4 years. Just to maintain that despite his marital status shows she has long term love and loyalty to give, now imagine how much she could offer to a man who had it to give back. I'm sorry...that just kinda really irritates me that I could be judged in the future for loving someone in the past. I understand dealbreakers, and to each his own, but I think your letting ur anger at your ex trickle down to the wrong person. I have been betrayed before, and I have been an OW. All being an oW did was teach me forgiveness and provide understanding.

If you must call it quits because of that without for a second trying to see it from her viewpoint, then do so, that's your right, but I personally find it insulting to use the adage once a cheater always a cheater against her.

[whichwayisup]

How is she the cheater?

 

She, herself didn't cheat, but she willingly had a four year affair with a man who was marrid, and helped him betray and cheat on his wife. Of course SHE isn't the one married to the guy but an OW isn't an innocent bystander in an affair.

 

Anyway I hope this guy gives his gf a chance, but if he doesn't, he has a right to change his mind, end the relationship and move on. Not everybody is supportive and understanding of affairs, reguardless of their part in it.

[YellowShark]

I'm with Ellin. How is she the cheater? She was not in a committed relationship with someone else.

 

If you drive the getaway car in a bank robbery you are an accomplice to the robbery. If you are the mistress in a 4-year affair you are an accomplice in the affair. You just can't be the OW for 4 years and then not take any ownership whatsoever for helping a MM cheat on his wife.

 

I think your letting ur anger at your ex trickle down to the wrong person.

 

My anger towards my EX has nothing to do with how I was raised. I was raised that when a MM has made a vow to a woman that vow needs to be RESPECTED by outside parties - (if they have any integrity.)

 

but I personally find it insulting to use the adage once a cheater always a cheater against her.

 

You are welcome to your opinion. I just could not fully trust a woman who was in a 4-year affair to be my emotional and financial partner in life. So we agree to disagree.

 

Since zasw's previous relationship was torpedoed by infidelity it seems he too is uncomfortable with people who have been a participant in extramarital affairs. Call us gun-shy when it comes to people who can screw around with married people.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm with Ellin. How is she the cheater? She was not in a committed relationship with someone else. In fact she may be the most loyal person you'll ever meet, staying devoted and true to a man out of love based solely on false promises and hope...for 4 years. Just to maintain that despite his marital status shows she has long term love and loyalty to give, now imagine how much she could offer to a man who had it to give back. I'm sorry...that just kinda really irritates me that I could be judged in the future for loving someone in the past. I understand dealbreakers, and to each his own, but I think your letting ur anger at your ex trickle down to the wrong person. I have been betrayed before, and I have been an OW. All being an oW did was teach me forgiveness and provide understanding.

If you must call it quits because of that without for a second trying to see it from her viewpoint, then do so, that's your right, but I personally find it insulting to use the adage once a cheater always a cheater against her.

 

 

Pardon me, but once someone steals something from me(or helps someone steal from me) I will be very concerned if the person I date tells me they helped a someone steal for 4 years. That's not to say someone can't change...but to say past actions do not color others views of us is naive at best and in denial more than likely. It happens everyday...just ask someone who is still being labeled by past deeds.

[desertIslandCactus]

She, herself didn't cheat, but she willingly had a four year affair with a man who was marrid, and helped him betray and cheat on his wife. Of course SHE isn't the one married to the guy but an OW isn't an innocent bystander in an affair.

 

Anyway I hope this guy gives his gf a chance, but if he doesn't, he has a right to change his mind, end the relationship and move on. Not everybody is supportive and understanding of affairs, reguardless of their part in it.

 

Yes. The OW (enticement) is very much involved in the cheating. And once she knows there is a W, she is responsible for her part. The A affects many.

[Mad Max]

Yes. The OW (enticement) is very much involved in the cheating. And once she knows there is a W, she is responsible for her part. The A affects many.

 

 

Exactly. If the guy lied and had her thinking he was single, that would be different. I doubt that's the case here.

[TigerCub]

ZASW,

 

I think your gf told you because she cares about you and wants to be honest.

Yes, I can understand how its hard for you to see it as anything less than terrible that she was involved with a married man for 4 years.

 

But let me tell you this:

I got involved with a guy that told me he was separated from his baby momma. I fell in love with him, and he told me he loved me, then he went back to her because they have kids together (or whatever other reasons he gives, it really doesn't matter now).

 

However, I carried on an A of sorts with him (it was mostly emotional, some physical - but not everything). IT WAS SO OUT OF CHARACTER FOR ME TO DO THAT, and I struggled with my guilt with it, but it went on for 7 months or so after he went back to her, because I was in it too deep and I loved him.

 

I however, HAVE NEVER cheated on a boyfriend and I know that I NEVER will. Even in a past relationship where I was so unhappy @ the end, I chose to just end it instead of cheating on the guy.

 

So I'm telling you this because maybe your gf is the same, maybe she truly made a mistake (I don't know how young and stupid she was when she was involved with this MM) and I don't know if she struggled with feelings of guild throughout. Yes, 4 years is a LONG time, I totally understand what you're saying.

 

All I'm saying is that I always looked the same way on cheaters (MM/MW, OM/OW) - same as you do, until I found myself in a situation that I never would have thought I'd be in.

 

People make mistakes, and I understand your mistrust of her, but she was honest with you, and I think she should get some credit for that.

 

And speaking from my own experience and what I know about myself, I can tell you, just because someone made a mistake and got involved with a cheater, doesn't mean that they will cheat on you. I have never cheated on anyone I was committed to, and I know that I never will - I'd rather leave.

Edited January 7, 2011 by TigerCub

[Quiet Storm]

I don't think the posters major concern is being cheated on.

 

It's the loss of respect.

 

If she does have morals and is against infidelity, then she compromised her standards for "love". She was weak. She went against what she believed in, what she knew was right. No matter how torn up and guilty she was, she still did it. And kept doing it for four years.

 

If you are someone that is looking for a serious partner in life, this matters. It shows low self-esteem and weak character.

 

Most men want to be able to view their partner as good, loyal, sweet, honest, supportive, smart, confident. This revelation maginifies her bad qualities. Now the poster isn't sure about her. How could she be good if she was okay being sneaky? If she was MM's willing cheating partner, does she value loyalty? Is she sweet if she knowingly helped him betray his wife? Can she be supportive to him in the future if she so weak that she would compromise her values? Is she smart to put up with that for four years? Is she confident if she would even settle for being an OW, if she actually thought that a married guy's "love" was something special?

 

It would be hard not to view her as tarnished now, even if the poster loves her and thinks she deserves the benefit of the doubt. You can't unring the bell. He will always question things now. She is no longer the prize he though she was. As mean as it sounds, her value (to him) has diminished.

 

Men have a lot of pride. They want to be proud of their woman.

 

I think many men would consider her f-buddy material, not girlfriend or wife material. Many men would think "If she wasn't good enough to be OM's #1, she's definitely not good enough for me". Men don't want to marry someone else's side dish.

 

People can change. But I believe that there are usually some kind of issues going on if you partake in an affair. If people are willing to recognize and address these issues, then change can happen.

 

I know that many OW do not want to be judged by their past, but it's a reality. Like it or not. I am judged by many, simply by the fact that I married a black man. And that has nothing to do with my character. It sucks, it shouldn't be like that, but that the way IT IS! Many OW take actions that reflect their character, and then get upset when they are judged by their past actions. Yes, they are a victim of OM's lies, but if they have a strong character, they wouldn't have participated in the relationship in the first place. The love of a MM would not have been considered so special that they would compromise their values for it.

 

I would be honest with her about it. Yes, she may decide not be honest with her future boyfriends, but that may be a good tip, at least about this matter. I think many men would have this same issue knowing their woman was an OW. Women that expect that they will not be judged for it are naive. When you do things, you need to be aware that your actions NOW may affect your future LATER.

Edited January 7, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[Quiet Storm]

I don't think the posters major concern is being cheated on.

 

It's the loss of respect.

 

If she does have morals and is against infidelity, then she compromised her standards for "love". She was weak. She went against what she believed in, what she knew was right. No matter how torn up and guilty she was, she still did it. And kept doing it for four years.

 

If you are someone that is looking for a serious partner in life, this matters. It shows low self-esteem and weak character.

 

Most men want to be able to view their partner as good, loyal, sweet, honest, supportive, smart, confident. This revelation maginifies her bad qualities. Now the poster isn't sure about her. How could she be good if she was okay being sneaky? If she was MM's willing cheating partner, does she value loyalty? Is she sweet if she knowingly helped him betray his wife? Can she be supportive to him in the future if she so weak that she would compromise her values? Is she smart to put up with that for four years? Is she confident if she would even settle for being an OW, to think a married guy's "love" was something special?

 

It's would be hard not to view her as tarnished now, even if the poster loves her and thinks she deserves the benefit of the doubt. You can't unring the bell. He will always question things now. She is no longer the prize he though she was. Her value has diminished, as mean as that sounds.

 

Men have a lot of pride. They want to be proud of their woman.

 

I think many men would consider her f-buddy material, not girlfriend or wife material. Many men would think "If she wasn't good enough to be OM's #1, she's definitely not good enough for me".

 

People can change. But I believe that there are usually some kind of issues going on if you partake in an affair. If people are willing to recognize and address these issues, then change can happen.

 

I know that many OW do not want to be judged by their past, but it is a reality. I am judged by many, simply by the fact that I married a black man. And that has nothing to do with my character. It sucks, it shouldn't be like that, but that the way IT IS. Many OW take actions that reflect their character, and then get upset when they are judged by their past actions. Yes, they are a victim of OM's lies, but if they have a stong character, they would not have participated in the relationship in the first place. The love of a MM would not have been considered so special that they would compromise thier values for it.

 

I would be honest with her about it. Yes, she may decide not be honest with her future boyfriends, but that may be good for her. I think many men would have this same issue knowing their woman was an OW. Women that expect that they will not be judged for it are naive.

[YellowShark]

Tigercub please don't take this the wrong way because I've always found you forthright and enjoy your posts. But what you posted makes no sense at all. You say you'd never ever cheat on a boyfriend and it is so out of character for you, yet in the other breath you said you were in a EA/PA with a man who was cheating on the mother of his child after he went back to her.

 

And that's the problem. Guys like me - and I can't speak for zasw - prefer a woman who doesn't tolerate cheating with anybody ever. Just like a bank doesn't tolerate a teller who 'occasionally' dips into the till. when your boyfriend went back to the mother of his child you should have ended it there and then since he regected you. But you didn't, you continued an EA/PA for several months after.

 

So once again what you say you would never do to a boyfriend you participated in with your 'guy' while HE was in another relationship. So that makes me wonder how I could ever trust you not to step out of a relationship.

 

Does that make any sense to you?

 

Now sure no one is perfect, people do make mistakes, but somehow I've been able to never ever cheat or get into an EA/PA in my entire life. I've never overlapped one relationship with another. And I am far from perfect.

 

But I do have red lines in the sand, and EA/PAs with other people who are in relationships is one of them. I guess thats why I find the "I'll never cheat but I did have an affair" logic so contradictory. Am I making sense?

[TigerCub]

Tigercub please don't take this the wrong way because I've always found you forthright and enjoy your posts. But what you posted makes no sense at all. You say you'd never ever cheat on a boyfriend and it is so out of character for you, yet in the other breath you said you were in a EA/PA with a man who was cheating on the mother of his child after he went back to her.

 

And that's the problem. Guys like me - and I can't speak for zasw - prefer a woman who doesn't tolerate cheating with anybody ever. Just like a bank doesn't tolerate a teller who 'occasionally' dips into the till. when your boyfriend went back to the mother of his child you should have ended it there and then since he regected you. But you didn't, you continued an EA/PA for several months after.

 

So once again what you say you would never do to a boyfriend you participated in with your 'guy' while HE was in another relationship. So that makes me wonder how I could ever trust you not to step out of a relationship.

 

Does that make any sense to you?

 

Now sure no one is perfect, people do make mistakes, but somehow I've been able to never ever cheat or get into an EA/PA in my entire life. I've never overlapped one relationship with another. And I am far from perfect.

 

But I do have red lines in the sand, and EA/PAs with other people who are in relationships is one of them. I guess thats why I find the "I'll never cheat but I did have an affair" logic so contradictory. Am I making sense?

 

I understand what you're saying YellowShark, and yes, when he told me that he went back with her, I stopped talking to him for a while (i tried, but it didn't last long). I fully admit that what I did with xMM was a HUGE mistake, and that's why I never fully did the whole A thing. And still, I completely see your point, because a "little bit" of an affair is still an affair.

 

But the way I saw it is that, he was cheating on her.

Yes, I take full responsibility for my part in it, but I didn't promise her anything, I didn't say I loved her, I didn't promise her exclusivity (and those are the things I told myself to keep going in this because I loved him).

 

As far as cheating on someone I'm with. I wouldn't do that. I would never promise someone anything that I wont give to them.

If I'm in an exclusive relationship with a guy, I wouldn't step outside that because I would be promising them fidelity, and loyalty and that we're EXCLUSIVE - so I wouldn't go outside that.

 

I just wouldn't hurt someone that's good to me. I never would. And even if they ended up being bad to me, I would leave.

I know its hard for you and others to understand or believe this: but I am a very loyal person - but I guess my loyalties lie with those that I know.

 

I didn't know baby momma, and maybe that made it easier to push away the guilt I felt.

 

I take no offense to what you said, I like your posts too. I fully admitted that the A was so out of character for me, but I did it, it was a mistake, but I did it, I had my guilty feelings while in it, but I did it, I went through with it till the point I felt suffocated, and so I got out of it.

It was a one time mistake (only A I've ever been in), and I KNOW that it will NEVER EVER happen again.

 

People can choose to define me by that, and that's their choice, yes it would be a shame that all the good characteristics that I do have would be wiped out because of the mistakes of an A, but I guess that's how it goes.

 

At the end of the day, I acknowledge what I did, and I know who I am, and I know that FOR ME, my mistakes don't change the fact that I'm honest, I'm loyal and that I personally wouldn't cheat on someone I'm with.

[YellowShark]

I understand what you're saying YellowShark, and yes, when he told me that he went back with her, I stopped talking to him for a while (i tried, but it didn't last long). I fully admit that what I did with xMM was a HUGE mistake, and that's why I never fully did the whole A thing.

 

Ahhh... you just did it again! You DID do the "whole affair thing." You were in an EA/PA with someone who was married and in a relationship with another person. If you were a recovering alcoholic having a "few drinks" is still falling off the wagon.

 

But the way I saw it is that, he was cheating on her.

 

And that's the disconnect I am trying to understand. In an analogy I gave earlier just because you drove the getaway car in a bank robbery doesn't make you any less of a participant in the robbery. You KNEW he went back to her, you KNEW he was married to her, and yet you DID have an affair with him knowing all that.

 

I am not trying to brow beat you at all TigerCub, in fact you sound amazingly cool. I am just discussing this dichotomy that I see in so many OW's heads here at LS. I feel Quiet Storm posted it eloquently. It's really about values and character.

 

Most men want to be able to view their partner as good, loyal, sweet, honest, supportive, smart, confident. This revelation maginifies her bad qualities. Now the poster isn't sure about her. How could she be good if she was okay being sneaky? If she was MM's willing cheating partner, does she value loyalty? Is she sweet if she knowingly helped him betray his wife? Can she be supportive to him in the future if she so weak that she would compromise her values? Is she smart to put up with that for four years?

 

Do you see what I mean? I know life takes twists and turns and s**t happens we don't expect or want... but there is a difference between something "just happening" and actively MAKING something happen - (like an affair with a married person.)

 

Yes, I take full responsibility for my part in it, but I didn't promise her anything, I didn't say I loved her, I didn't promise her exclusivity (and those are the things I told myself to keep going in this because I loved him).

 

You are absolutely right. You didn't promise her anything, but you did knowingly help throw her under a bus with the guy who DID promise her something. Which makes you part of the equation. Does that make sense to you?

 

As far as cheating on someone I'm with. I wouldn't do that. I would never promise someone anything that I wont give to them. If I'm in an exclusive relationship with a guy, I wouldn't step outside that because I would be promising them fidelity, and loyalty and that we're EXCLUSIVE - so I wouldn't go outside that.

 

But to a guy like me I hear those promises but then have to question then why did you have an affair with a MM? Do you see the doubt that it creates? Like Quiet Storm said "How could she be good if she was okay being sneaky?"

 

I just wouldn't hurt someone that's good to me. I never would. And even if they ended up being bad to me, I would leave. I know its hard for you and others to understand or believe this: but I am a very loyal person - but I guess my loyalties lie with those that I know.

 

I guess we are wired differently, I too am loyal to the people I know, but I also have a responsibility to not hurt people I do not know. So I don't do things that can hurt strangers.

 

I didn't know baby momma, and maybe that made it easier to push away the guilt I felt.

 

"Baby momma" ... Call her his wife because that is what she was. You're far to smart to be an audience member from a Jerry Springer show!

 

It was a one time mistake (only A I've ever been in), and I KNOW that it will NEVER EVER happen again.

 

I feel that is because you ARE someone who knows how toxic MM who cheat are. A real man™ worthy of your love doesn't throw his wife and kid under a bus for "some strange."

 

People can choose to define me by that, and that's their choice, yes it would be a shame that all the good characteristics that I do have would be wiped out because of the mistakes of an A, but I guess that's how it goes.

 

At the end of the day, I acknowledge what I did, and I know who I am, and I know that FOR ME, my mistakes don't change the fact that I'm honest, I'm loyal and that I personally wouldn't cheat on someone I'm with.

 

As the line goes from Batman Returns "It's not who you are underneath.. It's what you do that defines you." And I simply think ZASW is now conflicted to find out that the woman he is falling in love with had a 4-year affair with a married man. Hell, it happened to me too. I cut my EX-of-7-years a break the first time she stepped out.. only to have her do it again two years later with another MM.

 

So now I am like the police department, they have a zero tolerance for drunk drivers.. and I now have a zero tolerance for women who have participated in affairs. Why? Because how can she be so good if she is okay being sneaky? It's just the way I roll now since i was bitten really badly by a WS.

[TigerCub]

Ahhh... you just did it again! You DID do the "whole affair thing." You were in an EA/PA with someone who was married and in a relationship with another person. If you were a recovering alcoholic having a "few drinks" is still falling off the wagon.

No, I never slept with him. That's why I say I didn't do "the whole A thing" - but yes, I did acknowledge that a "little bit" of an affair is still an affair.

 

And that's the disconnect I am trying to understand. In an analogy I gave earlier just because you drove the getaway car in a bank robbery doesn't make you any less of a participant in the robbery. You KNEW he went back to her, you KNEW he was married to her, and yet you DID have an affair with him knowing all that.

 

I am not trying to brow beat you at all TigerCub, in fact you sound amazingly cool. I am just discussing this dichotomy that I see in so many OW's heads here at LS. I feel Quiet Storm posted it eloquently. It's really about values and character.

 

Again, I said that I said those things to myself (ie. that I didn't make vows to her) in order to justify it a little in my mind. I felt a lot of guilt, but I felt a lot of love for him at the time, and that's why it took me so long to get the strength and leave a situation that I knew was wrong.

 

 

Do you see what I mean? I know life takes twists and turns and s**t happens we don't expect or want... but there is a difference between something "just happening" and actively MAKING something happen - (like an affair with a married person.)

 

You are absolutely right. You didn't promise her anything, but you did knowingly help throw her under a bus with the guy who DID promise her something. Which makes you part of the equation. Does that make sense to you?

 

But to a guy like me I hear those promises but then have to question then why did you have an affair with a MM? Do you see the doubt that it creates? Like Quiet Storm said "How could she be good if she was okay being sneaky?"

 

I do see that, and (although its NOT an excuse), my involvement with MM brought up a lot of "daddy issues" for me, and because of these issues, I kept trying to "win" him, and that's why I saw a therapist to deal with what I was doing at the time, as well as to put these issues from my past to rest once and for all.

 

I'm not using my past issues as an excuse, I'm just saying that the specific A brought up these issues and although I was doing things that were so out of the norm for me, other issues were also a driving force behind that.

 

I know it sounds like an excuse, you can take it for what it is, but I just wanted to show how someone who is "normally" very good, honest, loyal, etc... can fall into a bad situation and do things that are out of character.

 

 

I guess we are wired differently, I too am loyal to the people I know, but I also have a responsibility to not hurt people I do not know. So I don't do things that can hurt strangers.

I don't like to hurt strangers either, but I guess the ways I justified what happened were:

 

- I love him, he loves me

- he has cheated on her before (where he actually had sex with other women)

- I'm not even sleeping with him.

- It's wrong, but I've had a pretty ****ty life, so why can't I be happy for a little bit, she's not even trying to make him happy, why should she have him anyways - just because she gave him his little bastards?!

 

I know these thoughts were wrong, but that's how I saw it, and some of those things, I feel bad about thinking, but all I can do is learn from my mistakes and not repeat them.

 

 

"Baby momma" ... Call her his wife because that is what she was. You're far to smart to be an audience member from a Jerry Springer show!

haha

I call her baby momma because that's what she is.

She's not his wife.

so my options were "wife"

or "mother of his 2 children" (which is too much to type)

 

 

I feel that is because you ARE someone who knows how toxic MM who cheat are. A real man™ worthy of your love doesn't throw his wife and kid under a bus for "some strange."

I've certainly learned a lesson I never thought I'd need to learn.

And yes, a real man wouldn't do those things, and that's the kind of man I hope to be with one day. I think my new boyfriend is a "real man" - we'll see how that all goes

 

So now I am like the police department, they have a zero tolerance for drunk drivers.. and I now have a zero tolerance for women who have participated in affairs. Why? Because how can she be so good if she is okay being sneaky? It's just the way I roll now since i was bitten really badly by a WS.

 

I understand your stand on the issue - especially considering your history with a person that cheated on you.

 

I just wanted to give my side of things just to say that sometimes good people do really stupid things that are so out of character for them, but they acknowledge their mistakes and they learn, and they're still good people that try to maintain their good characteristics.

 

btw - thanks for the compliments and always being respectful even if we don't see eye to eye on these matters sometimes

[zasw]

I was never was one to give a pass to the OW/OM. Even before my previous relationship. Anyone who has an affair with someone whos married reveals their true character. They may never do it again but anyone who has done such a dispicable thing is forever tarnished. They dont deserve my respect or anyones for that matter. What is respectable in breaking up a family. Even if the innocent spouse never finds out, they know that they were part of somthing that could have caused much sorrow. Now true my girlfriend told me that she deals with guilt everyday over what shes done, well she should feel guilty and I say it serves her right. And yes she told me because she felt i needed to know this about her past. Im glad she did tell me because if she didnt i wouldnt have known about who she really is. Shes a despicable person.

 

Despite all the crying she did and how terrible I feel about doing it I cut her loose last night.

[donnamaybe]

IMO (which, I know, may differ from a vast many people) is that ANYONE who would put up with being the hidden side piece for FOUR YEARS has some serious self esteem issues. That, in itself, would worry me.

[Mad Max]

You did what you had to do. It would have been different if she was led to believe he was single.

[YellowShark]

I said that I said those things to myself (ie. that I didn't make vows to her) in order to justify it a little in my mind. I felt a lot of guilt, but I felt a lot of love for him at the time, and that's why it took me so long to get the strength and leave a situation that I knew was wrong.

 

Yes. Love is a powerful thing. It can make people do crazy s**t that totally goes against their nature. Even murder. I think Chris Rock said once "If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love!"

 

I do see that, and (although its NOT an excuse), my involvement with MM brought up a lot of "daddy issues" for me, and because of these issues, I kept trying to "win" him, and that's why I saw a therapist to deal with what I was doing at the time, as well as to put these issues from my past to rest once and for all.

 

I'm no therapist but I do believe you are right. Women who engage with MM do have some sort of "daddy issue." Because a truly healthy woman would tell a married man to "F" off, stop hitting on me, and go be with your wife.

 

I don't like to hurt strangers either, but I guess the ways I justified what happened were: - I love him, he loves me - he has cheated on her before (where he actually had sex with other women) - I'm not even sleeping with him. - It's wrong, but I've had a pretty ****ty life, so why can't I be happy for a little bit, she's not even trying to make him happy, why should she have him anyways - just because she gave him his little bastards?!

 

I know these thoughts were wrong, but that's how I saw it, and some of those things, I feel bad about thinking, but all I can do is learn from my mistakes and not repeat them.

 

IMHO those thoughts were simply your heart fighting with your brain because deep down inside you knew it was all wrong.

 

haha I call her baby momma because that's what she is. She's not his wife. so my options were "wife" or "mother of his 2 children" (which is too much to type)

 

I find the term "baby momma" demeaning. It's an attempt to minimize the fact that a woman is the mother of his children... and it's soooo Jersey Shore!

 

I've certainly learned a lesson I never thought I'd need to learn. And yes, a real man wouldn't do those things, and that's the kind of man I hope to be with one day. I think my new boyfriend is a "real man" - we'll see how that all goes

 

Yes. Real men have morals and integrity. You can count on them to be there for you when the chips are down. A real man doesn't bang OW on the side because he isn't getting something "at home.." Real men don't carry around mommy issues... Real men don't cheat/betray loved ones. Women deserve men who are chivalrous.. not some lying, cheating scumball.

 

I understand your stand on the issue - especially considering your history with a person that cheated on you.

 

Unless you've been a BS you never know the absolute pain and suffering that comes with finding out that your emotional and financial partner in life has thrown you under a bus for someone else. In my case she cheated with a "good friend" who was married.. with a pregnant wife at home. I still suffer from PTSD from having those two people in my life betray me and my son like that. Worst part is she and MM exhibit no remorse for the pain and suffering they caused. None. Zero. Nada. She never even said sorry. Not once. In fact they - the EX and MM and his wife - all still party together to this very day like I never existed.

 

I just wanted to give my side of things just to say that sometimes good people do really stupid things that are so out of character for them, but they acknowledge their mistakes and they learn, and they're still good people that try to maintain their good characteristics.

 

Not in argument. I believe that too. It's the OW/OM who show no remorse, or are happy with their married affair partners I find so frikkin' scary.

 

btw - thanks for the compliments and always being respectful even if we don't see eye to eye on these matters sometimes

 

I can agree to disagree with people. But I ascribe to the adage that I won't be so open minded that my brains fall out!

[zasw]

I was never was one to give a pass to the OW/OM. Even before my previous relationship. Anyone who has an affair with someone whos married reveals their true character. They may never do it again but anyone who has done such a dispicable thing is forever tarnished. They dont deserve my respect or anyones for that matter. What is respectable in breaking up a family. Even if the innocent spouse never finds out, they know that they were part of somthing that could have caused much sorrow. Now true my girlfriend told me that she deals with guilt everyday over what shes done, well she should feel guilty and I say it serves her right. And yes she told me because she felt i needed to know this about her past. Im glad she did tell me because if she didnt i wouldnt have known about who she really is. Shes a despicable person.

 

Despite all the crying she did and how terrible I feel about doing it I cut her loose last night.

 

You did what you had to do. It would have been different if she was led to believe he was single.

 

Yes I did and it was the only right move.