girlfriend had 4 year relationship with MM

[hopesndreams]

I'm really sorry that you had to go through all that, I truly am.

I don't recall your story but did you two reconcile? If so.......I hope things are very good for you both.

 

Understanding why someone does/did whatever it was, does not mean that you excuse it or that it makes it stop hurting.

 

No, we didn't reconcile. Things are very good with me and I have no idea if they are for him. Strict NC for 6 months now.

[silverplanets]

Because the OP said that she told him she felt "guilt" about what she had done. No one feels guilt when things are on the up and up.

 

 

 

Big difference between a beloved child that shares our DNA and a potential lover. We can cut the lover loose and they will never be our lover anymore. Not so with our children. So we have a motivation to keep our relatives and be a little more tolerant with them.

 

The OP was harsh in the way that he speaks about dumping her. But its clear that she now disgusts him.

 

Some people are like that. The ex seems to have a penchant for picking guys that she's really not that compatible with obviously.

 

You're right, and I agree with what you post.

 

But .. (and it's only a small one ... )

 

If showing love for a beloved child is "easier" because of the biological relation ...

 

then how much *more* of a miracle is it if we can find compassion for a human being who is not directly related :)

 

 

Sad thing here is that one of the the biggest beneficiaries of such compassion is the giver ... who surely grows bigger with each ounce of compassion they give.

 

Anyway, as I said, not disagreeing .. just thinking ..

 

be safe

Chris

[YellowShark]

Wow. I dunno where you'all are going with all these hypotheticals and slippery slope arguments but the bottom line is really this.

 

People won't even date people who smoke, so why should people date people who cheat? Seems like a no brainer to me.

 

(.. And having a crappy childhood doesn't give anyone the right to be a douche as an adult. It should be an incentive to better themselves so that they don't hurt other people as they were once hurt.)

[BB07]

Wow. I dunno where you'all are going with all these hypotheticals and slippery slope arguments but the bottom line is really this.

 

 

 

People won't even date people who smoke, so why should people date people who cheat? Seems like a no brainer to me.

 

 

(.. And having a crappy childhood doesn't give anyone the right to be a douche as an adult. It should be an incentive to better themselves so that they don't hurt other people as they were once hurt.)

 

Uh?? I never made excuses.........don't see anyone else doing that either, and yes I'm trying to better myself and I will, but damn it.........I hope if I meet a man in the future that he is compassionate and kind and no he doesn't have to accept my baggage, but if he can't deal with it, he still owes me respect and kindness in telling me so.

 

Obviously just a few things stood out to you, not the complete content of the posts in this thread. As I said........we all have our baggage and so do you. Yours comes from being cheating on. I gotta ask you.........how would you feel if you meet a woman and you tell her your history and she decides that she can't handle YOUR baggage????

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Obviously just a few things stood out to you, not the complete content of the posts in this thread. As I said........we all have our baggage and so do you. Yours comes from being cheating on. I gotta ask you.........how would you feel if you meet a woman and you tell her your history and she decides that she can't handle YOUR baggage????

 

I would very much appreciate the honesty and respect the fact that a person had enough self-awareness to know what their deal breakers were. No one wants to be led on.

[desertIslandCactus]

Wow. I dunno where you'all are going with all these hypotheticals and slippery slope arguments but the bottom line is really this.

 

People won't even date people who smoke, so why should people date people who cheat? Seems like a no brainer to me.

 

(.. And having a crappy childhood doesn't give anyone the right to be a douche as an adult. It should be an incentive to better themselves so that they don't hurt other people as they were once hurt.)

 

Omigosh YS.

 

You better be careful making remarks like this. .. Why, it could even take the livlihood away from shrinks ..

 

Let's Hear It for taking Responsibility in life !!

[BB07]

Omigosh YS.

 

You better be careful making remarks like this. .. Why, it could even take the livlihood away from shrinks ..

 

Let's Hear It for taking Responsibility in life !!

 

Exactly where is......someone in this thread refusing to take responsibility because of a crappy childhood?

[YellowShark]

Uh?? I never made excuses.........don't see anyone else doing that either, and yes I'm trying to better myself and I will, but damn it.........I hope if I meet a man in the future that he is compassionate and kind and no he doesn't have to accept my baggage, but if he can't deal with it, he still owes me respect and kindness in telling me so.

 

Obviously just a few things stood out to you, not the complete content of the posts in this thread. As I said........we all have our baggage and so do you. Yours comes from being cheating on.

 

Well it sure seems that the last few pages have been pretty rough on ZASW because he decided that he didn't want to date a woman who was in a four-year affair with a married man.

 

First of all a 4-year affair is a life choice not a "mistake."

 

Some posts also read like an indictment on how people lack compassion and forgiveness because they won't accept that maybe this poor cheating girl had a rough childhood and maybe thats why she was in a 4 year affair with a married man.

 

Then it goes way off the deep end about how the poor girl may have issues of self esteem and how if she was one posters "daughters" how awful it would be if said daughter was "condemned her for every mistake she has (and will) make." And how people lack basic human compassion and should try and find a positive way to understand cheaters because of their "crappy childhoods" that may or may not have led them to cheat.

 

Ugh. So many judgments, hypotheticals, and slippery-slope arguments.

 

The bottom line is this, people wont date people who smoke, people wont date people who drink, and people shouldn't have to date people who have 4-year affairs with married men.

 

I gotta ask you.........how would you feel if you meet a woman and you tell her your history and she decides that she can't handle YOUR baggage????

 

Then she walks. No questions asked. If she finds me an unsuitable partner I RESPECT her decision. Hell people won't date people because of how they look or dress, so I don't expect a woman to "have to date me." And she is not a bad person cuz she isn't being understanding about my baggage. It's a deal-breaker for her, and I respect that.

 

Bottom line is regardless of my situation cheating is a really bad trait. It really is. 9 times out of 10 it's a deal-breaker for most people. And cheating with a married man for 4 years shows that this woman ZASW was dating can be really sneaky, she has issues with loyalty, and she was ok with betraying MM's wife for 4 years. So why should ZASW be required to be understanding, or even date her?

 

Am I making sense?

 

Omigosh YS.

 

You better be careful making remarks like this. .. Why, it could even take the livlihood away from shrinks ..

 

Let's Hear It for taking Responsibility in life !!

 

Having a crappy childhood DOES effect how you behave as an adult. There is no question or argument there. It's just not a free pass to be a douchebag as an adult.

 

Edited January 8, 2011 by YellowShark

[silverplanets]

Well it sure seems that the last few pages have been pretty rough on ZASW because he decided that he didn't want to date a woman who was in a four-year affair with a married man.

 

First of all a 4-year affair is a life choice not a "mistake."

 

Some posts also read like an indictment on how people lack compassion and forgiveness because they won't accept that maybe this poor cheating girl had a rough childhood and maybe thats why she was in a 4 year affair with a married man.

 

Then it goes way off the deep end about how the poor girl may have issues of self esteem and how if she was one posters "daughters" how awful it would be if said daughter was "condemned her for every mistake she has (and will) make." And how people lack basic human compassion and should try and find a positive way to understand cheaters because of their "crappy childhoods" that may or may not have led them to cheat.

 

Ugh. So many judgments, hypotheticals, and slippery-slope arguments.

 

The bottom line is this, people wont date people who smoke, people wont date people who drink, and people shouldn't have to date people who have 4-year affairs with married men.

 

 

 

Then she walks. No questions asked. If she finds me an unsuitable partner I RESPECT her decision. Hell people won't date people because of how they look or dress, so I don't expect a woman to "have to date me." And she is not a bad person cuz she isn't being understanding about my baggage. It's a deal-breaker for her, and I respect that.

 

Bottom line is regardless of my situation cheating is a really bad trait. It really is. 9 times out of 10 it's a deal-breaker for most people. And cheating with a married man for 4 years shows that this woman ZASW was dating can be really sneaky, she has issues with loyalty, and she was ok with betraying MM's wife for 4 years. So why should ZASW be required to be understanding, or even date her?

 

Am I making sense?

 

 

 

Having a crappy childhood DOES effect how you behave as an adult. There is no question or argument there. It's just not a free pass to be a douchebag as an adult.

 

 

err, I'm confused ... can you point me to the post where someone has said that he HAS to go out with her ... cause it's not appearing on my view of the thread????

[BB07]

 

Am I making sense?

 

 

I clearly understood what you were saying many moons back.

[BB07]

err, I'm confused ... can you point me to the post where someone has said that he HAS to go out with her ... cause it's not appearing on my view of the thread????

 

It's not worth it Chris..........as some people seem to think we were saying something we didn't.

[BB07]

Omigosh YS.

 

You better be careful making remarks like this. .. Why, it could even take the livlihood away from shrinks ..

 

Let's Hear It for taking Responsibility in life !!

 

Oh my.........if we take income streams away from shrinks, we'd also have to include those who have been touched by any of life's hardships and while we are at it, let's don't let those old shrinks get any income from people who have baggage either.

I don't care which side of the fence, you sit on......life gives us baggage. Self inflicted or inflicted on you.........life gives us baggage.

[desertIslandCactus]

Oh my.........if we take income streams away from shrinks, we'd also have to include those who have been touched by any of life's hardships and while we are at it, let's don't let those old shrinks get any income from people who have baggage either.

I don't care which side of the fence, you sit on......life gives us baggage. Self inflicted or inflicted on you.........life gives us baggage.

 

I wasn't aware of how widely 'counselors' are used for wailings of childhood - and relationships, until LS.

 

If these counselors are paid for by the insurance companies, then it affects rate increases .. and so others, incl govt takeover.

 

Why all the crutches, that affect others.

[YellowShark]

err, I'm confused ... can you point me to the post where someone has said that he HAS to go out with her ... cause it's not appearing on my view of the thread????

 

You never said he "has" to go out with her but you DID say:

 

Maybe her behaviour is evidence of previous naivity, loneliness, insecurity or even inner anger left over from something ...

 

Well that's too bad. That's not the OP's baggage to carry.

 

I am not challenging the OP's right to decide about their partner, I just think it's a shame for the girl that, if she is trying to fix herself inside, she didn't meet someone who could let her down a bit more "understandingly" and less "judgementally".

 

None of us know how he let her down, none of us were there when it happened.

 

And who are we to judge .. how do we know she wasn't abused as a child and this is what has occured since ... can we really say that her life experiences might not have led us to the same ???

 

You are sure judging the OP because he cut her loose. And IMHO the slippery-slope argument that "we may have done the same as her" is turning the cheater into a victim.

 

It's not worth it Chris..........as some people seem to think we were saying something we didn't.

 

It's funny how the OP received less compassion by some in this thread than a woman who cheated with a MM for 4 years.

[BB07]

I wasn't aware of how widely 'counselors' are used for wailings of childhood - and relationships, until LS.

 

If these counselors are paid for by the insurance companies, then it affects rate increases .. and so others, incl govt takeover.

 

Why all the crutches, that affect others.

 

Oh for pete's sake........dic, to minimize what some people have survived, ex.....abuse, sexual molestation, in childhood as wailing's is pretty cold indeed.

As for your rant about insurance costs.......what does that have to do with anything?

[BB07]

You never said he "has" to go out with her but you DID say:

 

 

 

Well that's too bad. That's not the OP's baggage to carry.

 

 

 

None of us know how he let her down, none of us were there when it happened.

 

 

 

You are sure judging the OP because he cut her loose. And IMHO the slippery-slope argument that "we may have done the same as her" is turning the cheater into a victim.

 

 

 

It's funny how the OP received less compassion by some in this thread than a woman who cheated with a MM for 4 years.

 

All we know.......is what the OP told us, since the woman he was dating is not here to speak about her story, now is she?

IMO..........you are the one who is on a slippery slope by taking my words and implying that I'm making excuses for her and also implying that I said that the op didn't have a right to end the relationship based on her history. I NEVER said either one of those things, nor did Chris. You are arguing about something I DID NOT say.

[jthorne]

BB, question for you... Obviously, you've no obligation to answer, but I'm hoping it will be instructive.

 

Knowing what you've been through, and knowing what you know now, would you say you are a higher risk for being involved in infidelity again, or lower?

[BB07]

BB, question for you... Obviously, you've no obligation to answer, but I'm hoping it will be instructive.

 

Knowing what you've been through, and knowing what you know now, would you say you are a higher risk for being involved in infidelity again, or lower?

 

LOWER.......absolutely 100% confident that I will have no part in it in any shape, form or fashion.

Yourself?

 

Sidenote.........threads like this, honestly make me question if I should ever attempt having any relationship with a man again. Perhaps I have too much baggage, perhaps I'm too jaded, perhaps I will never have the skills necessary to be able to pick a healthy relationship. Perhaps I go out on a limb and do manage to pick a good guy and then when I confide in him my life experiences (the abuse in my background, the sexual molestation, a divorce, a child who has special needs, my father was a serial cheater, my part in the infidelity of xmm, although I did get conned).......so the new guy bolts because I'm too high risk.

As I've been thinking......it's just too damn risky! Stick a fork in it, I think I'm done.

[KarmasTestDummy]

You never said he "has" to go out with her but you DID say:

 

 

 

Well that's too bad. That's not the OP's baggage to carry.

 

 

 

None of us know how he let her down, none of us were there when it happened.

 

 

 

You are sure judging the OP because he cut her loose. And IMHO the slippery-slope argument that "we may have done the same as her" is turning the cheater into a victim.

 

 

 

It's funny how the OP received less compassion by some in this thread than a woman who cheated with a MM for 4 years.

 

What's funny to me is that OP chose to post his concern in a OW/OM support forum. That led me to believe he was seeking to find compassion or at least understanding for her. Maybe try to understand why she would do it and see if he could salvage some love and trust for her, but what he in turn did was not only be condemning to her but in turn announced to all of us (who for the majority are or were in her shoes) that our kind are tarnished despicable unworthy beings. WTH???? I wasn't trying to date OP. I was trying to help. Do I, or any of us deserve that disrespect, especially on our home turf? Sorry but the only feelings I am left with for OP are a big FU. Someone else said it and I agree. Girl is better off. He's behaving very self righteous and disrespectful.

[jthorne]

LOWER.......absolutely 100% confident that I will have no part in it in any shape, form or fashion.

Yourself?

 

Sidenote.........threads like this, honestly make me question if I should ever attempt having any relationship with a man again. Perhaps I have too much baggage, perhaps I'm too jaded, perhaps I will never have the skills necessary to be able to pick a healthy relationship. Perhaps I go out on a limb and do manage to pick a good guy and then when I confide in him my life experiences (the abuse in my background, the sexual molestation, a divorce, a child who has special needs, my father was a serial cheater, my part in the infidelity of xmm, although I did get conned).......so the new guy bolts because I'm too high risk.

As I've been thinking......it's just too damn risky! Stick a fork in it, I think I'm done.

I've been reluctant to comment in this thread because my situation turned out differently, plus I'm standing in the middle of a Target store looking like a damn fool. But after your post, I'll throw this out there FWIW.

 

My now H knew what I'd been through and what I had learned as a result. He knew that I was doing work on myself, and continue to do so. For that reason amongst others, he has no worry at all that I will ever cheat on him.

 

That's just my experience, obviously others are different. But there are some out there that have, believe it or not, done "bad things" and become a better person maybe even as a result of it. YMMV of course.

[YellowShark]

Sorry but the only feelings I am left with for OP are a big FU. Someone else said it and I agree. Girl is better off. He's behaving very self righteous and disrespectful.

 

I hear what you are saying. And I am taking the position that the OP invested 6 months with this woman and then she drops a bomb on him.

 

"By the way honey, I had a 4 year affair with a married man.."

 

Well the OP posted his last relationship was torpedoed by infidelity. So what's he supposed to do Karma? Be happy about this bomb dropped on him 6 months into their relationship? Put yourself in his shoes. His last relationship was destroyed by infidelity and now 6 months into this new relationship the woman admits she was in a 4-year affair with a MM. DAYM!

 

Perhaps he should have asked he how she felt about infidelity early on, perhaps he should have let her know early on that his previous relationship was destroyed by infidelity. We just don't know how it all went down. I sure don't except for what he posted.

 

....threads like this, honestly make me question if I should ever attempt having any relationship with a man again. Perhaps I have too much baggage, perhaps I'm too jaded, perhaps I will never have the skills necessary to be able to pick a healthy relationship. Perhaps I go out on a limb and do manage to pick a good guy and then when I confide in him my life experiences (the abuse in my background, the sexual molestation, a divorce, a child who has special needs, my father was a serial cheater, my part in the infidelity of xmm, although I did get conned).......so the new guy bolts because I'm too high risk.

As I've been thinking......it's just too damn risky! Stick a fork in it, I think I'm done.

 

I think threads like this show two things. 1) Be honest up front about deal-breakers before you get invested too deep. 2) Some of those things you have in your past BB07 are uncontrollable and simply happened in your life... while a 4-year affair with a married man is a life choice and not a simple mistake "that just happened."

[BB07]

I hear what you are saying. And I am taking the position that the OP invested 6 months with this woman and then she drops a bomb on him.

 

"By the way honey, I had a 4 year affair with a married man.."

 

Well the OP posted his last relationship was torpedoed by infidelity. So what's he supposed to do Karma? Be happy about this bomb dropped on him 6 months into their relationship? Put yourself in his shoes. His last relationship was destroyed by infidelity and now 6 months into this new relationship the woman admits she was in a 4-year affair with a MM. DAYM!

 

Perhaps he should have asked he how she felt about infidelity early on, perhaps he should have let her know early on that his previous relationship was destroyed by infidelity. We just don't know how it all went down. I sure don't except for what he posted.

 

 

 

I think threads like this show two things. 1) Be honest up front about deal-breakers before you get invested too deep. 2) Some of those things you have in your past BB07 are uncontrollable and simply happened in your life... while a 4-year affair with a married man is a life choice and not a simple mistake "that just happened."

 

Since the woman is not here to post about why she had a 4 year affair, it's not fair to make the assumption that she would say "it just happened", also......we do not know why she got into the affair. Maybe she is like that poor woman in the other thread who is now pregnant and who was 17 when it begin and her 40 something groomed her, (like a child molester grooms his victims) into becoming his mistress. Extreme example yes...........but the point I'm trying to make is we here, do NOT know why. Again......I never said the OP was required to stay with her, since she disgusts him now, it's better for both of them that he has broken up with her, although some kindness and compassion when doing it would have been nice and no we don't know that he wasn't that way with her.

 

It's so damn easy........to project our own crap upon a thread, regardless of what position you might have held in the triangle, and yes I'm guilty, but I can own it and I get that my perception of things is not the same as yours, but I've learned a lot here at LS from all sides of the triangle.

[Mad Max]

I have to question the character and integrity of the female posters that either defended the GF's situation or flat out blasted the OP. Having a 4 year affair with a MM is a choice. If he told her he was single, that would be one thing. Bottom line is she is weak and lacks character and integrity.

 

Did she have a rough childhood? Quite possibly. Still not an exuse and it's not the responsibility of the OP or any other individual to carry another's emotional baggage. Like mentioned earlier, some won't date those that smoke. Some won't date those that drink. Some won't date those of another race. OP doesn't want to date someone that assisted another in cheating. It's his call and the fact that some female posters are ripping him for it shows a lack of character and integrity.

[desertIslandCactus]

Oh for pete's sake........dic, to minimize what some people have survived, ex.....abuse, sexual molestation, in childhood as wailing's is pretty cold indeed.

As for your rant about insurance costs.......what does that have to do with anything?

 

I was orig responding to one of YS's brilliant comments stating that having a bad childhood doesn't give one an excuse or right, but should actually give an incentive.

[YellowShark]

Since the woman is not here to post about why she had a 4 year affair, it's not fair to make the assumption that she would say "it just happened", also......we do not know why she got into the affair.

 

Absolutely. There is always two sides to each story. But any affair with a married person is wrong, there are no "good" affairs. And 4 years? Come on... I was born at night but I wasn't born last night BB07!

 

Maybe she is like that poor woman in the other thread who is now pregnant and who was 17 when it begin and her 40 something groomed her, (like a child molester grooms his victims) into becoming his mistress. Extreme example yes...........but the point I'm trying to make is we here, do NOT know why.

 

Ya. That one was sick. That man deserves to be used as a prophylactic in hell.. for eternity. (...and I bet once the baby is born he'll dump that poor girl.)

 

Again......I never said the OP was required to stay with her, since she disgusts him now, it's better for both of them that he has broken up with her, although some kindness and compassion when doing it would have been nice and no we don't know that he wasn't that way with her.

 

Just like the kindness and compassion she showed the MM's wife for 4 years? (But I agree once again, we don't know how it all went down)

 

It's so damn easy........to project our own crap upon a thread, regardless of what position you might have held in the triangle, and yes I'm guilty, but I can own it and I get that my perception of things is not the same as yours, but I've learned a lot here at LS from all sides of the triangle.

 

Yup. LS has helped me greatly, but anyone who can operate a motor vehicle or pay their bills knows from a young age that cheating is socially unacceptable and potentially very harmful. It's not a state-secret. Just look a poor Sandra Bullock or Elin Nordegren... is there any woman here on LS that sympathises with Jesse James or Tiger Woods? If there is I would like to hear their reasoning.