girlfriend had 4 year relationship with MM

[jthorne]

Nevermind bye

Edited January 8, 2011 by jthorne

[dont-be-naive]

She told me last week about her relationship, ever since than I just have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. She said she wanted him to leave his wife. This raises a huge red flag.

 

absolutely. I wouldn't want to be with a woman who was with a MM.

 

 

she said she regrets it but i dont know if you can regret somthing youve been in for 4 years. i just lost so much respect for her and like the saying goes "once a cheater, always a cheater" that goes for both people involved. I really loved her but I dont feel someone who would do somthing like that is worthy of my time. I think its time to kick her to the curb.

 

I wouldn't blame you if you did. you'd simply be suspicious of her, and the respect is already lost for her.

[dont-be-naive]

I'm sorry...that just kinda really irritates me that I could be judged in the future for loving someone in the past.

 

while that does suck, its understandable, to me, having a concern about being with someone that would mess around with a married man.

 

Until it happens, I don't really know how I'd react. Would I dump her? maybe, maybe not. But I don't see what is so hard about having concerns about someone that would be in a relationship with someone married knowing they are hurting a spouse or family. we know the MP is the one that is cheating, but that doesn't give the interloper a free pass on their behavior.

 

Its a question of, what kind of character does someone have to do that.

 

So suppose you told someone you were with a married person for 4 years. And your SO didn't dump you, and still wanted to be with you, but that kind of behavior gives them pause and red flags. What would your response in a conversation to your SO be then?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I wonder if the OP's girlfriend was American?

[Ellin]

Because the OP said that she told him she felt "guilt" about what she had done. No one feels guilt when things are on the up and up.

 

.

She regretted being in that R with a MM. That doesn't mean she lied and sneaked. There is no logic in your statement.

[Ellin]

Not to be a downer on your very positive posts but every scenario you just described is a very flawed person and someone I may befriend but not have a relationship with.

 

So people who have had terrible things done to them when they were vulnerable and have got hurt so badly that it affected them into their adult life are to you FLAWED... and unworthy of true love and another chance...

 

How sad.

[Ellin]

Wow. I dunno where you'all are going with all these hypotheticals and slippery slope arguments but the bottom line is really this.

 

People won't even date people who smoke, so why should people date people who cheat? Seems like a no brainer to me.

 

(.. And having a crappy childhood doesn't give anyone the right to be a douche as an adult. It should be an incentive to better themselves so that they don't hurt other people as they were once hurt.)

 

You could do with reading a bit on psychology ect, then perhaps you'd refrain from making ignorant comments like that.

[Ellin]

What's funny to me is that OP chose to post his concern in a OW/OM support forum. That led me to believe he was seeking to find compassion or at least understanding for her. Maybe try to understand why she would do it and see if he could salvage some love and trust for her, but what he in turn did was not only be condemning to her but in turn announced to all of us (who for the majority are or were in her shoes) that our kind are tarnished despicable unworthy beings. WTH???? I wasn't trying to date OP. I was trying to help. Do I, or any of us deserve that disrespect, especially on our home turf? Sorry but the only feelings I am left with for OP are a big FU. Someone else said it and I agree. Girl is better off. He's behaving very self righteous and disrespectful.

 

He's got quite a few companions in this thread.

[woinlove]

Why are some getting so upset that the OP ended his relationship over her being an OW for 4 years. Given his feelings about infidelity, he ended it rather than staying while losing respect. It seems from posts here it is not unusual for MM to treat their OW with less respect than this, never mind their wives. Here's an example of ending things clearly, rather than just keep getting what you want out of the relationship without really respecting the other person's needs and desires.

 

Having said that, I find the language of kicking her to the curb to be offensive. I can only imagine the OP is hurt. People change and something similar would likely not be a deal breaker for me, but I would be hurt and upset after learning something that I did consider a deal breaker months later.

[Ellin]

People get so very hooked on the 4 years. What length of time would allow you to call it a mistake - one night? A week, a month?

 

So many OW come here and post their stories and the dynamics are so clear. They get into an A for different reasons, but they rarely set out to do so - they get caught into something, either starting as friend and progressing without realising when a certain line gets crossed, or are told things that make them believe the M is pretty much over.

 

Why should they be responsible for convincing MM not to cheat on their W? MM are free men and they have their OW believe that they love them and it's a matter of time before they can be with them. They give them reasons why that cannot happen just yet and the reasons often seem convincing, especially since it is much easier to believe the words of the beloved one.

 

MM can convince OW that he's staying in the marital home for noble reasons and that actually not telling his W the truth right then is a better solution for everyone to minimise the hurt.

 

These are just examples, but there are many reasons why OW stay and wait and it definitely doesn't mean that they have no qualms with cheating and that it's their life choice.

 

Yes, it might indicate weakness, but not necessarily weakness of character (as in lack of morals), but something like unresolved traumas from the past. That doesn't mean that this person cannot become stronger and maybe she already has, maybe she has done a lot of growing since the A was over.

 

So stop jumping so eagerly on the 4 year number, you don't know her story but you think you can judge her character.

 

And describing an OW as an accomplice in cheating, like an accomplice in criminal activity is absurd. She is acting out of love, perhaps misguided, but her aim is not to help someone cheat, in the way the aim of a getaway car driver who is there specifically to help the thieves steal something, obviously for financail gain.

Edited January 9, 2011 by Ellin

[woinlove]

People get so very hooked on the 4 years. What length of time would allow you to call it a mistake - one night? A week, a month?

 

So many OW come here and post their stories and the dynamics are so clear. They get into an A for different reasons, but they rarely set out to do so - they get caught into something, either starting as friend and progressing without realising when a certain line gets crossed, or are told things that make them believe the M is pretty much over.

 

Why should they be responsible for convincing MM not to cheat on their W? MM are free men and they have their OW believe that they love them and it's a matter of time before they can be with them. They give them reasons why that cannot happen just yet and the reasons often seem convincing, especially since it is much easier to believe the words of the beloved one.

 

MM can convince OW that he's staying in the marital home for noble reasons and that actually not telling his W the truth right then is a better solution for everyone to minimise the hurt.

 

These are just examples, but there are many reasons why OW stay and wait and it definitely doesn't mean that they have no qualms with cheating and that it's their life choice.

 

Yes, it might indicate weakness, but not necessarily weakness of character (as in lack of morals), but something like unresolved traumas from the past. That doesn't mean that this person cannot become stronger and maybe she already has, maybe she has done a lot of growing since the A was over.

 

So stop jumping so eagerly on the 4 year number, you don't know her story but you think you can judge her character.

 

And describing an OW as an accomplice in cheating, like an accomplice in criminal activity is absurd. She is acting out of love, perhaps misguided, but her aim is not to help someone cheat, in the way the aim of a getaway car driver who is there specifically to help the thieves steal something, obviously for financail gain.

 

 

 

I don't see how getting involved with a MM is acting out of love. Are you suggesting that many OW fall in love before having any kind of intimate emotional connection? It seems to me that some people chose to consider MM/MW as unavailable and act accordingly and some don't.

[Ellin]

I don't see how getting involved with a MM is acting out of love. Are you suggesting that many OW fall in love before having any kind of intimate emotional connection? It seems to me that some people chose to consider MM/MW as unavailable and act accordingly and some don't.

 

Staying and waiting is motivated ultimately by romantic love and often by underlying lack of self-love. Getting involved is also, in most cases, fulled by the feeling of love.

 

I don't understand though what you mean by falling in love before having intimate emotional connection. Intimate emotional connection is what initiates falling in love, but in the process there are also other things at work, which are harder to define, the so-called chemistry that either exists or doesn't and you can't do much about either option.

[YellowShark]

It seems from posts here it is not unusual for MM to treat their OW with less respect than this, never mind their wives.

 

Which is the dichotomy in the OW posts I find so confusing in this section of Loveshack. MM treat the OW like toy... yanking their chain when and where they want to.. and then walk out the door, and go home to their wives. How toxic is that? And what type of woman puts up with that kinda crap?

 

...but I would be hurt and upset after learning something that I did consider a deal breaker months later.

 

I agree. If I found out 6 months down the road that the woman I was dating was in a 4-year affair with a married man after my previous relationship was destroyed by infidelity I too would be hurt, confused, and frankly furious.

 

You could do with reading a bit on psychology ect, then perhaps you'd refrain from making ignorant comments like that.

 

I stand by that statement. Just because I was a victim as a child doesn't give me any free pass to make other people victims when I am an adult.

 

People get so very hooked on the 4 years. What length of time would allow you to call it a mistake - one night? A week, a month?

 

If you engage in an affair willingly for 4 years you have to make a ton of CONSCIOUS decisions over those 4 years to make it work. It's not "a mistake."

 

So many OW come here and post their stories and the dynamics are so clear. They get into an A for different reasons, but they rarely set out to do so - they get caught into something, either starting as friend and progressing without realising when a certain line gets crossed, or are told things that make them believe the M is pretty much over.

 

It is no state secret that when you hook up with a MARRIED PERSON that it is universally frowned upon. So a healthy woman who has her wits about her would not need the validation or "love" of a married man. She should be repulsed by his advances. Because he is MARRIED.

 

Why should they be responsible for convincing MM not to cheat on their W?

 

Because he is MARRIED.

 

MM are free men and they have their OW believe that they love them and it's a matter of time before they can be with them. They give them reasons why that cannot happen just yet and the reasons often seem convincing, especially since it is much easier to believe the words of the beloved one.

 

Look Ellin. I am not your enemy. But love should grow over time, you can't possibly "love" someone until you really get to know them. So if the man who is hitting on you, and flirting with you, and sending you flowers, and taking you out for lunch and dinners is still MARRIED, well then you have to hit the brakes and say WTF?

 

So stop jumping so eagerly on the 4 year number, you don't know her story but you think you can judge her character.

 

You can judge her character since she was involved in a 4-year affair where she knew her partner was married. The OP even stated she asked her MM to leave his wife during that affair. I think that is enough evidence for the OP to wonder about her character.

 

And describing an OW as an accomplice in cheating, like an accomplice in criminal activity is absurd. She is acting out of love, perhaps misguided, but her aim is not to help someone cheat, in the way the aim of a getaway car driver who is there specifically to help the thieves steal something, obviously for financail gain.

 

It is not absurd. If you are in an affair knowingly with a married person you are as much a part of the equation as the married person. There is no magical firewall that gives you immunity simply because you are not married to his wife.

 

Let's call a spade a spade for a minute. I am the furthest thing away from a bible thumper... trust me on that... But it's been known for thousands of years that adultery is wrong... Some - who believe in the bible - even call it a sin. So all this hand-wringing that "it was a mistake," "it just happened," "it wasn't my fault," "I wasn't responsible," simply doesn't wash with me. I don't think I am being a dick about all this.

[desertIslandCactus]

Which is the dichotomy in the OW posts I find so confusing in this section of Loveshack. MM treat the OW like toy... yanking their chain when and where they want to.. and then walk out the door, and go home to their wives. How toxic is that? And what type of woman puts up with that kinda crap?

 

 

 

I agree. If I found out 6 months down the road that the woman I was dating was in a 4-year affair with a married man after my previous relationship was destroyed by infidelity I too would be hurt, confused, and frankly furious.

 

 

 

I stand by that statement. Just because I was a victim as a child doesn't give me any free pass to make other people victims when I am an adult.

 

 

 

If you engage in an affair willingly for 4 years you have to make a ton of CONSCIOUS decisions over those 4 years to make it work. It's not "a mistake."

 

 

 

It is no state secret that when you hook up with a MARRIED PERSON that it is universally frowned upon. So a healthy woman who has her wits about her would not need the validation or "love" of a married man. She should be repulsed by his advances. Because he is MARRIED.

 

 

 

Because he is MARRIED.

 

 

 

Look Ellin. I am not your enemy. But love should grow over time, you can't possibly "love" someone until you really get to know them. So if the man who is hitting on you, and flirting with you, and sending you flowers, and taking you out for lunch and dinners is still MARRIED, well then you have to hit the brakes and say WTF?

 

 

 

You can judge her character since she was involved in a 4-year affair where she knew her partner was married. The OP even stated she asked her MM to leave his wife during that affair. I think that is enough evidence for the OP to wonder about her character.

 

 

 

It is not absurd. If you are in an affair knowingly with a married person you are as much a part of the equation as the married person. There is no magical firewall that gives you immunity simply because you are not married to his wife.

 

Let's call a spade a spade for a minute. I am the furthest thing away from a bible thumper... trust me on that... But it's been known for thousands of years that adultery is wrong... Some - who believe in the bible - even call it a sin. So all this hand-wringing that "it was a mistake," "it just happened," "it wasn't my fault," "I wasn't responsible," simply doesn't wash with me. I don't think I am being a dick about all this.

 

Also, whether an OW is with the MM for four years or four months - IF given the opportunity, she would normally want to marry him..

 

The Only reason an OW doesn't succeed in breaking up a M, a family - is because for one reason or another, the MM reneged. Her Intent is usually to break up the M, wanting him for herself.

[Ellin]

Which is the dichotomy in the OW posts I find so confusing in this section of Loveshack. MM treat the OW like toy... yanking their chain when and where they want to.. and then walk out the door, and go home to their wives. How toxic is that? And what type of woman puts up with that kinda crap?

 

 

 

I agree. If I found out 6 months down the road that the woman I was dating was in a 4-year affair with a married man after my previous relationship was destroyed by infidelity I too would be hurt, confused, and frankly furious.

 

 

 

I stand by that statement. Just because I was a victim as a child doesn't give me any free pass to make other people victims when I am an adult.

 

 

 

If you engage in an affair willingly for 4 years you have to make a ton of CONSCIOUS decisions over those 4 years to make it work. It's not "a mistake."

 

 

 

It is no state secret that when you hook up with a MARRIED PERSON that it is universally frowned upon. So a healthy woman who has her wits about her would not need the validation or "love" of a married man. She should be repulsed by his advances. Because he is MARRIED.

 

 

 

Because he is MARRIED.

 

 

 

Look Ellin. I am not your enemy. But love should grow over time, you can't possibly "love" someone until you really get to know them. So if the man who is hitting on you, and flirting with you, and sending you flowers, and taking you out for lunch and dinners is still MARRIED, well then you have to hit the brakes and say WTF?

 

 

 

You can judge her character since she was involved in a 4-year affair where she knew her partner was married. The OP even stated she asked her MM to leave his wife during that affair. I think that is enough evidence for the OP to wonder about her character.

 

 

 

It is not absurd. If you are in an affair knowingly with a married person you are as much a part of the equation as the married person. There is no magical firewall that gives you immunity simply because you are not married to his wife.

 

Let's call a spade a spade for a minute. I am the furthest thing away from a bible thumper... trust me on that... But it's been known for thousands of years that adultery is wrong... Some - who believe in the bible - even call it a sin. So all this hand-wringing that "it was a mistake," "it just happened," "it wasn't my fault," "I wasn't responsible," simply doesn't wash with me. I don't think I am being a dick about all this.

 

Each one of your post gets longer than the previous one, but you just keep repeating the same thing.

 

You came to this forum pretending to be here for support of OW, which always looks fishy anyway, a BS frequenting a forum like this for such purpose. But now obviously you are showing your true colors.

 

You are here to speak out against A and to tell OW/OM how immoral they are, after you have been cheated on. Like so many others.

 

Maybe it would be better to put all this energy into your own healing.

 

In any case I see things differently than you and I'm done with this here.

[YellowShark]

You came to this forum pretending to be here for support of OW, which always looks fishy anyway, a BS frequenting a forum like this for such purpose. But now obviously you are showing your true colors.

 

I NEVER came to this part of Loveshack to support OW/OM. I have never ever represented myself as that. I have the right to post anywhere and everywhere I chose to just like you do as well Ellin. And I would hope that INSTEAD of supporting unhealthy relationships - (see: affairs) - my perspective would ring a bell with some OW/OM that there is something wrong with being in a emotional and physical relationship with a MARRIED person. That type of relationship is toxic and unfair to the OW/OM.

 

Maybe it would be better to put all this energy into your own healing.

 

Part of my healing is to make people who are OK with dating cheating spouses to seek a healthier path in life.. and not be used by MM.

 

In any case I see things differently than you and I'm done with this here.

 

Yes. We see things differently. And I am sorry you feel the way you do. Yet if one has an open mind one can share different points of view without stomping off in a huff. Like I said, I am not your enemy Ellin, and neither is any therapist who tries to disuade their patients from dating cheating spouses.

[Mad Max]

Judging by the defensive posts from some of the female posters, it seems as if some have been the OW before. There is no excuse for what the OP's GF did. If the guy told her he was single, that would be one thing and I would not fault her at all. That wasn't the case though. She knew he was married, yet still assisted in the affair. She's every bit as much at fault as the guy.

[fooled once]

LOWER.......absolutely 100% confident that I will have no part in it in any shape, form or fashion.

Yourself?

 

Sidenote.........threads like this, honestly make me question if I should ever attempt having any relationship with a man again. Perhaps I have too much baggage, perhaps I'm too jaded, perhaps I will never have the skills necessary to be able to pick a healthy relationship. Perhaps I go out on a limb and do manage to pick a good guy and then when I confide in him my life experiences (the abuse in my background, the sexual molestation, a divorce, a child who has special needs, my father was a serial cheater, my part in the infidelity of xmm, although I did get conned).......so the new guy bolts because I'm too high risk.

As I've been thinking......it's just too damn risky! Stick a fork in it, I think I'm done.

 

BB ((hugs)) I know how you are feeling and I felt the same way at one time.

 

Then I met my H and well.... he rocks my world.

 

What's funny to me is that OP chose to post his concern in a OW/OM support forum. That led me to believe he was seeking to find compassion or at least understanding for her. Maybe try to understand why she would do it and see if he could salvage some love and trust for her, but what he in turn did was not only be condemning to her but in turn announced to all of us (who for the majority are or were in her shoes) that our kind are tarnished despicable unworthy beings. WTH???? I wasn't trying to date OP. I was trying to help. Do I, or any of us deserve that disrespect, especially on our home turf? Sorry but the only feelings I am left with for OP are a big FU. Someone else said it and I agree. Girl is better off. He's behaving very self righteous and disrespectful.

 

No one called other women tarnished despicable unworthy beings. Isn't that being a little dramatic?

 

This poster chose to end a 6 month dating relationship when he found out the girl he was dating chose to sleep with/have an affair with a Married Man and she wanted him to dump his wife.

 

For 4 years, this woman was a hidden secret. For 4 years, this woman competed with a wife for her husband.

 

Before everyone jumps on the former OW's side, just because she is an OW, how about asking the OP some questions, such as:

 

1. Did your former girlfriend tell anyone she was seeing a married man?

2. Was she seeing him while dating you?

3. Was she led on by him, by him stating he was separated or not married (as many MM have been known to do)?

4. Who dumped who - did she get tired of waiting or did she become too demanding and not stay in the possible "OW" corner he put her in?

 

Yes, the former g/f was NOT, that we know of, in a relationship with anyone else while she was having an affair. Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. BUT she also knew she was - for FOUR years - sleeping with a man married to someone else. She was playing his game - she was part of a triangle and contributed to his disrespectful behavior.

 

Like someone else posted - we all have a past. Part of our past makes us who we are. Hopefully, the majority of us learn from our pasts.

 

I know I would never ever date a drinker again. I didn't want another alcoholic in my life. I also would never date someone who uses recreational drugs. I also wouldn't date someone who cheated on their spouse. Those are my non-negotiables. We all have different ones.

 

I wanted someone who had kids already (since I was done having them), I liked that I married someone who had been married before, I liked that I married a GOOD man.

 

He knew all about my prior relationship with a MM. We discussed it at length. He knew I was lied to; he knew I was taken advantage of and he knew I was a dummy for believing someone who lied. Yes, we have all lied in our lives, but as an adult, I have chosen to live my life honestly. Lying takes too much energy and keeping stories straight. Easier to just be truthful and honest. I see no reason for grown adults to lie - especially because we all have this thing called FREE WILL. No one is making someone cheat. No one is making someone sleep with/have an affair with someone who is already in a committed relationship. We control OURSELVES.

 

 

My now H knew what I'd been through and what I had learned as a result. He knew that I was doing work on myself, and continue to do so. For that reason amongst others, he has no worry at all that I will ever cheat on him.

 

That's just my experience, obviously others are different. But there are some out there that have, believe it or not, done "bad things" and become a better person maybe even as a result of it. YMMV of course.

 

Exactly.

[BB07]

Thanks FO.........I needed that hug, more than you know.

[YellowShark]

Judging by the defensive posts from some of the female posters, it seems as if some have been the OW before. There is no excuse for what the OP's GF did. If the guy told her he was single, that would be one thing and I would not fault her at all. That wasn't the case though. She knew he was married, yet still assisted in the affair. She's every bit as much at fault as the guy.

 

This is why I find a section that helps OW/OM continue on an unhealthy path quite destructive. It's called confirmation bias. If you only hear advice that confirms unhealthy behavior - (from other people who are also engaged in unhealthy behaviour) - it's a disservice.

 

That said, anyone is free to support or disuade everyone as they see fit, that's the way things should be.. it's how you process those differing viewpoints which is the key.

 

This poster chose to end a 6 month dating relationship when he found out the girl he was dating chose to sleep with/have an affair with a Married Man and she wanted him to dump his wife.

 

For 4 years, this woman was a hidden secret. For 4 years, this woman competed with a wife for her husband.

 

Which leads people like me to question her character. She may be a sweet wonderful person, but there is a HUGE red flag that must be explored before I could make her my emotional and financial partner in life.

 

Before everyone jumps on the former OW's side, just because she is an OW...

 

Which ties into the confirmation bias meme I refer to above.

 

how about asking the OP some questions, such as:

 

1. Did your former girlfriend tell anyone she was seeing a married man?

2. Was she seeing him while dating you?

3. Was she led on by him, by him stating he was separated or not married (as many MM have been known to do)?

4. Who dumped who - did she get tired of waiting or did she become too demanding and not stay in the possible "OW" corner he put her in?

 

Yes. I would love to hear those questions answered ZASW if you are out there.

 

He knew all about my prior relationship with a MM. We discussed it at length. He knew I was lied to; he knew I was taken advantage of and he knew I was a dummy for believing someone who lied.

 

And in that scenario I would not fault the OW one bit since you were mislead. The MM was hiding the truth from you and you were a victim of his lies.

 

No one is making someone cheat. No one is making someone sleep with/have an affair with someone who is already in a committed relationship. We control OURSELVES.

 

And that is why I don't buy the "get out of jail free card" because I had a bad childhood excuse. That is no reason to throw people under a bus as an adult. It may contribute to why one does messy things as an adult.. but at the end of the day people have to take ownership for their behaviour and not pawn it off on something that happened years or decades ago.

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by fooled once

how about asking the OP some questions, such as:

 

1. Did your former girlfriend tell anyone she was seeing a married man?

2. Was she seeing him while dating you?

3. Was she led on by him, by him stating he was separated or not married (as many MM have been known to do)?

4. Who dumped who - did she get tired of waiting or did she become too demanding and not stay in the possible "OW" corner he put her in?

 

Great and I hope that he comes back to clear this up. If the affair was many years ago, then his (ex)gf has moved on and grown from it, and is completely over the exMM. But, what if the A ended recently, like a few months before the OP and her got together? Maybe since he has been on the hurting end of infidelity and has been cheated upon, he was afraid that she would go back to her exMM if he did leave his wife. I"m only guessing here, but that could have made a difference in his decision to walk away.

 

Like it or not, agree with him or not, the guy has a right to decide to end things with her. Haven't read the whole thread, just hope he did it respectfully and so she would understand where he is coming from when it comes to infidelity.

 

And, noone knows what type of OW she was during her affair. To assume she was this or that is so pointless and from what I have read so far, seems too many people are taking his decision personally and taking it out on the guy. Whatever happened to respect a poster? MM, MW, BS, OW, OM, or anybody in general. This guy has been pooped on for posting, and judged too, something that others get upset about when it happens to them.

[KarmasTestDummy]

 

 

No one called other women tarnished despicable unworthy beings.

 

you're right, his exact words were...

 

Anyone who has an affair with someone whos married reveals their true character. They may never do it again but [bOLD]anyone who has done such a dispicable thing is forever tarnished.[/bOLD] They dont deserve my respect or anyones for that matter. What is respectable in breaking up a family. Even if the innocent spouse never finds out, they know that they were part of somthing that could have caused much sorrow. Now true my girlfriend told me that she deals with guilt everyday over what shes done, well she should feel guilty and I say it serves her right. And yes she told me because she felt i needed to know this about her past. Im glad she did tell me because if she didnt i wouldnt have known about who she really is. [bOLD]Shes a despicable person.[/bOLD]

[zasw]

So it's too great of a risk to you.....right?

Even if the person has done a lot of hard work and has had a change of life and you were as confident as anyone could reasonably be that the bad choices would not be repeated again, would you still see it as too great of a risk?

 

Just curious.

 

Despite changes one makes in their life, people like my girlfriend are still a greater risk for infidelity in a relationship. Its sort of like asking a reformed terrorist cell to come work for an airline as pilots. They may be good pilots but what are they capable of??

 

 

For 4 years, this woman was a hidden secret. For 4 years, this woman competed with a wife for her husband.

 

Before everyone jumps on the former OW's side, just because she is an OW, how about asking the OP some questions, such as:

 

1. Did your former girlfriend tell anyone she was seeing a married man?

2. Was she seeing him while dating you?

3. Was she led on by him, by him stating he was separated or not married (as many MM have been known to do)?

4. Who dumped who - did she get tired of waiting or did she become too demanding and not stay in the possible "OW" corner he put her in?

 

 

 

1. No because she was afraid of what her mother would have thought. She did tell her closest friends.

 

2. No she stopped about a year prior to going out with me. He has tried to contact her but she would refuse to see him and requested that he never call her again

 

3. No she knew full well of the wife and kids.

 

4. she broke it off with him. im not sure of the reason

[awkward]

I know it hurts or even just plain pisses many off to hear people call OW names and deplore their behavior. If you think about it though, you know there are many people that feel this way. Sometimes that is one of the reasons that people don't tell others in RL they are dating a MM. They don't want to be judged or looked at badly. Who does? If you can believe it, there are even some cheating men that look at OW the same way. Some believe the AP was good enough for an affair but when they leave their marriage they decide they want to date others.

 

With that said, I don't think cheaters or people who choose to cheat with MM are forever tarnished. It takes time to resolve the problem that led them to cheat or to resolve why it became okay for one to have a relationship with someone that is committed to someone else. If the cheater or the affair partner takes the time to resolve the problem they can have healthy, successful relationships in the future.

 

I understand that some people subscribe to the theory that the BS/the marriage is what led the cheater to cheat and it isn't a problem the cheater needs to resolve just as I understand that some people subscribe to the theory that the affair partner did nothing wrong, that they weren't committed to the marriage/family. I can understand this point of view even if I don't personally agree with it. In a room of 1000 people, I'd be lucky to find even one person who agrees with my point of view on everything.

 

But I don't understand why some can't understand why the OP would feel the way he does about his situation. We all have a different framework that we are working with. We know that everyone has different opinions and not just about relationships. But knowing he was betrayed it doesn't seem off the wall that he doesn't want to be involved with a former OW. She could be a great person and given that she disclosed this information, it leads me to believe she isn't in the same place she was when she chose to be with MM, but he doesn't want to date a former OW. He has been hurt by infidelity. It's not personal. His ex-girlfriend is better off finding out now that he isn't the one before the relationship progressed even further.

 

What's funny to me is that OP chose to post his concern in a OW/OM support forum. That led me to believe he was seeking to find compassion or at least understanding for her. Maybe try to understand why she would do it and see if he could salvage some love and trust for her, but what he in turn did was not only be condemning to her but in turn announced to all of us (who for the majority are or were in her shoes) that our kind are tarnished despicable unworthy beings. WTH???? I wasn't trying to date OP. I was trying to help. Do I, or any of us deserve that disrespect, especially on our home turf? Sorry but the only feelings I am left with for OP are a big FU. Someone else said it and I agree. Girl is better off. He's behaving very self righteous and disrespectful.

 

The OW forum was not the best choice for this thread but seeing that his girlfriend was the OW and the title of this subforum, it isn't strange that he posted here. If it hurts then examine it. If it complete and utter nonsense, then discard it.

 

How did you feel about your ex-husband's OW when she disrespected you on your home turf? Your MM's wife could argue that she doesn't deserve your disrespect especially on her home turf. You may not see it that way. The OP doesn't see it your way. Different perspectives. Different frameworks. I can see how this thread could anger you and agree that it is in the wrong place. I do think though if you put yourself in his shoes, the shoes you've worn before, you might not feel as angry at him.

[BB07]

Despite changes one makes in their life, people like my girlfriend are still a greater risk for infidelity in a relationship. Its sort of like asking a reformed terrorist cell to come work for an airline as pilots. They may be good pilots but what are they capable of??

 

Terrorist and OW, hardly a fitting comparison.