girlfriend had 4 year relationship with MM

[Mme. Chaucer]

I respect the position of the OP: If he can't tolerate this aspect of his ex girlfriend's past, then he did the best thing for both of them by breaking it off. He does not need to be plagued by doubts, and she does not need to be trashed and vilified for her past, which she already feels bad about.

 

Though I can respect his position, I certainly cannot respect his calling her " a despicable person" and otherwise trashing her. He "loved" her. He can't deal with her past. So be it.

 

OP can find a woman with no such "tarnish." I hope he asks point blank about a woman's past before investing (and accepting her investment) of 6 months in a relationship, and "falling in love." For the sake of his ex, I really hope that if he decides to "forgive" her past sins, that she does not go back with him. It sounds like a recipe for misery.

 

His ex girlfriend does deserve to be happy, just not with the OP. Lots of us have done wrong, many different kinds of wrong. There are those who will not hold that against us for the rest of our lives and who will allow our current choices and behavior to speak for us in the now. Those are the people that the imperfect among us must seek for deep, giving love.

[BB07]

I respect the position of the OP: If he can't tolerate this aspect of his ex girlfriend's past, then he did the best thing for both of them by breaking it off. He does not need to be plagued by doubts, and she does not need to be trashed and vilified for her past, which she already feels bad about.

 

Though I can respect his position, I certainly cannot respect his calling her " a despicable person" and otherwise trashing her. He "loved" her. He can't deal with her past. So be it.

 

OP can find a woman with no such "tarnish." I hope he asks point blank about a woman's past before investing (and accepting her investment) of 6 months in a relationship, and "falling in love." For the sake of his ex, I really hope that if he decides to "forgive" her past sins, that she does not go back with him. It sounds like a recipe for misery.

 

His ex girlfriend does deserve to be happy, just not with the OP. Lots of us have done wrong, many different kinds of wrong. There are those who will not hold that against us for the rest of our lives and who will allow our current choices and behavior to speak for us in the now. Those are the people that the imperfect among us must seek for deep, giving love.

 

I really like this post.......eloquent and well said!

Wish I had said it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I really like this post.......eloquent and well said!

Wish I had said it.

 

Thank you so much. I am quite "tarnished" (I prefer to view it as a lustrous patina, at this stage) and I've been blessed enough to find a partner who does not hold that against me. In fact, he values me even more for the changes and growth I have made in my life.

 

I've read some of your posts ... you will find someone who values and respects you for who you ARE, too.

 

Really, who is the more "damaged": a person who has made terrible choices and who has become self-aware, accountable, and has grown and blossomed since, or a person who allows bitterness and self pity to dictate and define the paths they walk in this life?

[BB07]

Thank you so much. I am quite "tarnished" (I prefer to view it as a lustrous patina, at this stage) and I've been blessed enough to find a partner who does not hold that against me. In fact, he values me even more for the changes and growth I have made in my life.

 

I've read some of your posts ... you will find someone who values and respects you for who you ARE, too.

 

Really, who is the more "damaged": a person who has made terrible choices and who has become self-aware, accountable, and has grown and blossomed since, or a person who allows bitterness and self pity to dictate and define the paths they walk in this life?

 

Thank you.......very much! Wise words.

[alexandria35]

Wow, what an interesting thread. I appreciate the OP for posting this because it introduces a whole new angle and gave us all something to think about.

 

I don't think any of us have enough information about this former OW to really judge the situation. Actually I don't know if the OP had enough information to accurately judge the situation but I think we can all agree that he made the right decision given his feelings about it.

 

OP did say that his gf had only been out of the affair for 1 year. That's not very long at all and she probably has a long way to go before she will truly understand herself and the situation she allowed herself to be a part of for 4 long years. I think that right now she probably isn't a good prospect for a long term relationship as she is only now scratching the surface of all that she needs to learn and recover from.

 

OP said she ended the relationship but he doesn't know why. I wonder why too? Did she suddenly have an epiphany and wise up? Was it a gradual process where it took years for her to mature and realize she was stuck in a dead end relationship? Or was it a last ditch effort on her part to force her ex MM to end his marriage? Maybe she thought that breaking up with him would cause him to panic and leave his wife so he could keep her.

 

I once dated a guy who had been the OM in the relationship he had been in just prior to ours. I was very young and didn't immediately judge him for taking part in breaking up a family. The MW did leave her husband for him, took her kids, moved out of the house she shared with her husband and moved right in with her OM. This must have truly been devastating for her husband and her kids. Eventually she went back to her husband then left again but this time she was seeing not just one guy but several and eventually she dumped the guy I was dating altogether.

 

So I start dating this guy and at this time his MW had completely dumped him almost 2 years earlier. So I didn't judge him, I figured 'oh well, he made a mistake, and don't we all make mistakes?' I wasn't about to write him off for this one thing alone. But the more he talked about it, the more uneasy I felt. For one thing, he was still pining for her. Whenever I asked him what he wanted out of our relationship he would bring her up and say he didn't know because he was still very hurt by that experience and he thought he still loved her. Blech! But what I found most disturbing was the way he perceived the affair and his role in it. According to him, he was the innocent party. The way he told it, she used him and lied to him, her husband was an ******* and poor little him hadn't done any wrong whatsoever. He told me a story about how shortly after his MW left him to go back to her husband, he saw the husband in a public place and the husband gave him a menacing dirty look. He though the husband was out of line for giving him a dirty look... rothflmao..seriously, this guy truly believed that he had done nothing wrong and the husband had some nerve to be giving him dirty looks. I broke up with him.

 

I don't believe that people deserve to punished forever for a mistake they made in their past. I believe that most people grow and learn from their mistakes. On the other hand I have no problem judging people and being judged. We all do it. If we couldn't make judgements how could we make any decisions at all. We use our judgement to decide where we live, where we work and who we want to spend our time with. I'm perfectly willing to let people know my past so that they can judge me and decide for themselves if they want to get involved with me. For example, I had an abortion many years ago. I know abortion evokes strong emotions in people and to some people I will forever be nothing but an innocent baby killer. Fair enough...they have every right to their feelings. I smoke and I know a lot of people don't want to be with anyone who smokes...more power to them I say. If I was a non smoker I wouldn't want to be with a smoker either. So go ahead and judge me, I have no problem with it. I judge people too and I plan to keep right on doing it.

[donnamaybe]

There is a substantial difference between judging someone's suitability for a certain job, like in your above example, or like in saying "she's too short to be a model" and dishing out moral judgements and condemnations.

 

Don't you get that difference?

so judging someone for a life partnership is LESS important than for a job?

[amerikajin]

Shes a despicable person.

 

Someone may engage in behavior that's immoral, but that doesn't mean their whole character is despicable. I think you're perhaps injecting some of your own experience and personal anger into your assessment of her in whole.

 

I'm not judging your decision to split with her. You're well within your rights and reason to do so. But I think some time and reflection will eventually make you realize that she wasn't all that bad; she just did something that you strongly disapprove of. Nothing more, nothing less.

[donnamaybe]

Which is the dichotomy in the OW posts I find so confusing in this section of Loveshack. MM treat the OW like toy... yanking their chain when and where they want to.. and then walk out the door, and go home to their wives. How toxic is that? And what type of woman puts up with that kinda crap?

That's exactly why I said what I did in my first post. Anyone who is willing to be relegated to the sidelines for a VERRRRRY lengthy period of time is a doormat, IMO. NOT good partner material.

[NoIDidn't]

I think some former OPs are reacting to the original poster's judgment of his ex's character and the fact that he is now disgusted by her.

 

He is well within his rights to dump her and to despise her past behavior.

 

Some people will judge you for your past. Especially if its like in this case, where it seems like the reason the former OW isn't with MM any longer is unclear.

 

The OP hasn't stated why she told him that she was the OW for four long years. The OP doesn't really know why she and the MM aren't together any longer, other than the fact that the MM is still married.

 

There is so much not known in this situation. Maybe the OP knows something about his ex that he hasn't communicated here. They weren't together for all that long, so he didn't have that much invested in their R.

 

I don't think its healthy for the OP to despise his ex gf for having been an OW for four years, but if dumping her was right for him, nothing wrong with that.

[YellowShark]

so judging someone for a life partnership is LESS important than for a job?

 

For some people it is. For me it is not.

 

If I am going to invest my heart and finances into another person she must meet a certain level of character. She must be a positive role model for my children. She must have strong ethics and boundaries.

 

After my last horrible experience with my cheating EX infidelity is definitely a deal-breaker now... just like a past history of theft is a deal-breaker if you want to work at a bank/airline/government/etc.