Dealing with the knowledge the breakup was YOUR fault

[runforafall]

I wonder if anyone has any advice on this.

 

I'm not looking back at things with rose tinted glasses, and I'm not putting her on a pedestal, but I know for a fact that the reason(s) my ex dumped me were down to me. I completely failed to address big issues she first raised a long time ago, even when she warned me they were jeopardising our relationship. I got lazy in our relationship and neglected her completely and utterly in every way apart from the "companionship" side of things, which is obviously not enough to sustain a relationship. Sure I bought her thoughtful gifts and told her I loved her a lot, but friends do that with each other. Did I satisfy her sexual needs? No I chose to get gratification from porn instead. Did I make romantic gestures? Rarely. Did I give her space whenever she argued like she asked me to? No, I chose to suffocate her and demand on the spot resolution. Did I ever tell her how beautiful she looked? I can't actually remember the last time I did. Did I pull her hand into mine, look lovingly into her eyes and tell her how much she meant to me? Nope. Did I smile and give her a warm embrace when we used to meet at the train station? Nope, I rushed off telling her we needed to get on the train so we could get a seat.

 

Anyone would be pushed away from a partner who treated them like that, right?

 

I took it for granted that she would stick around, downplayed the issues in my head, and now she has had enough and walked out the door.

 

It's hard coping with the fact that had I treated her in the right way she would still be around. I wish I could go back and do it all again without being such a fool.

Edited January 6, 2011 by runforafall

[LifeIsGreat]

It's extremely positive that you have looked at YOURSELF, and found things you can do differently the next time. Most people don't do this, so congrats to you!!

 

Now it's simple.... you have learned...don't do it again.

 

People come in and out of our lives to help us grow and become better. You needed this loss to teach you something very important. Don't let this loss go to waste.

 

You should forgive yourself. You did the best you could given your maturity, life experiences, current position in life, and the partner you had to work with. That's all we can do... the best we can. The next time, you're best will be better. Eventually, your best will be good enough to attract and keep a great partner.

[Leandro]

^^^^^^I agree with LifeIsGreat 10,000$.

[runforafall]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I do see it as a positive thing that I have learnt something from this which I can apply to future relationships.

 

It kills me to know that knowledge has come at the expense of what could have been a very long and very happy relationship though. That is what I am struggling to come to terms with.

[NeNinja]

My relationship ended pretty mush the same way for pretty much the same reasons. I even went as far as to get caught up in an emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend.

 

Everyone will tell you to learn from it and to not make the same mistakes in your next relationship.

 

But you know that if you had on more chance you would treat her right and do al of the things you didn't. Right?

 

Right now I'm just giving my ex some time and I'm taking the same time to improve myself and my situation. Maybe it's over for good...maybe you'll get another chance and if you do you want to be ready to show her instead of just telling her.

[durkadurka]

It is NEVER explicitly one person's fault (cheating might be the exception).

[Graceful]

I commend you, also. I posted to your other thread and I was very direct with you regarding your admission that you did not treat your GF nicely at all.

 

Relationships do not sustain themselves, and people do fall out of love.

 

Actions do speak louder than words. Now you know.

 

But I hope you are going to get some help to find out why you treated her that way. How do you treat other women in your life? You mum? Or even just women who are friends? How about your male friends, or other family members?

 

If you see a pattern, then you will want to address it.

 

BTW, you are certainly not the only person here on LS who is culpable. There are plenty of people who were dumped who also contributed to the break down of their relationship. I hope they see this post. Take care.

[marqueemoon4]

I pretty much blew my marriage.. didn't treat her with equal respect (she's 11yrs younger than me but thats no excuse), took her for granted, totally underestimated how ready she was to go (she's a terrible communicator too). I got very little of what I needed out of the marriage, and from the day our son was born it was ALL about him. Add in some big fights and some heavy drama, and she was gone. I realize I definitely had some GIGS going on, I miss her but also realize she's a really vindictive, nasty person with a lot of deep issues she needs to address. I'm addressing my own set of personality flaws every day. I still have a ton of regret and pain over the whole thing.

[runforafall]

It is NEVER explicitly one person's fault (cheating might be the exception).

 

Sure, she wasn't perfect, she wasn't an amazing communicator.

 

But no one's perfect, right?

 

I'm convinced that she more than pulled her weight, she did most of the compromising, she did most of the giving.

[runforafall]

I commend you, also. I posted to your other thread and I was very direct with you regarding your admission that you did not treat your GF nicely at all.

 

Relationships do not sustain themselves, and people do fall out of love.

 

Actions do speak louder than words. Now you know.

 

But I hope you are going to get some help to find out why you treated her that way. How do you treat other women in your life? You mum? Or even just women who are friends? How about your male friends, or other family members?

 

If you see a pattern, then you will want to address it.

 

BTW, you are certainly not the only person here on LS who is culpable. There are plenty of people who were dumped who also contributed to the break down of their relationship. I hope they see this post. Take care.

 

I'm not sure I didn't treat her nicely. The problem was just that, that I treated her nicely. I told her I loved her every now and again. I bought her nice and thoughtful gifts. Friends treat each other nicely though. I didn't treat her like the girl I was and am deeply in love with.

 

I'm still hoping with every ounce of my soul then when she has had some time to think and get perspective she will come back and give me a chance to do it properly. A mutual friend told me last night that she is pretty devastated about it all. I know I won't screw it up again.

 

Maybe in a few months during which I don't intend to contact her at all i'll ask her out on a date.

Edited January 7, 2011 by runforafall

[precious1]

Runforafall,

 

The good thing is that you've taken the time to look at yourself and where you stood in the relationship. I too have felt the same way after my breakup..that it was my fault. But at least we both know now what we did wrong and have thought of ways to rectify the situation. Unfortunately the ex is out the picture now. Maybe one day we will be able to show them we've learned or put our new knowledge to our next relationships. Either way you will be good because you have been able to face your demons head on instead of sweeping your issues under the rug like so many people tend to do these days.

[SimonSerenade]

You've hit rock bottom my friend, There's nowhere to go now but up, I was in the same boat as you, Blamed myself for everything, Had major flaws I never saw in the relationship until the relationship was dead and buried, Let myself go and to be honest so did she, In the end they chose to leave and if you did your very best to change her mind and fought to the ends of the earth for her then you did your very best, All you can do now is focus on what you felt you did wrong and work your socks of to be the very best version of yourself.

 

She may come back, You never know what the future holds but for now its out of your hands, Work on yourself and enjoy your time alone, Relationships like this either make or break you, Sounds to me like your on your right path.

[Leandro]

^^^^^^I agree with LifeIsGreat 10,000$.

LOL, I just noticed what I said. I meant 10,000%.

[sedgwick]

My breakup was my fault too, and I've been beating myself up about it for four years. He told me what he needed from me -- for me to take music lessons -- and I didn't do it because I couldn't afford it. I'm a dancer, and I could only afford dance lessons, which I had to take because I'm in a company. Still, that's no excuse. I could have spent less money on going out to eat or buying dance costumes. There are a million ways I could have saved money. When he left, he left because I wasn't a musician. To think that I could have kept him around if I'd just done what he asked kills me. I cannot forgive myself. I gave him all the love in the world, but I didn't do the one thing he needed most. I know exactly how you feel.

[marqueemoon4]

My breakup was my fault too, and I've been beating myself up about it for four years. He told me what he needed from me -- for me to take music lessons -- and I didn't do it because I couldn't afford it. I'm a dancer, and I could only afford dance lessons, which I had to take because I'm in a company. Still, that's no excuse. I could have spent less money on going out to eat or buying dance costumes. There are a million ways I could have saved money. When he left, he left because I wasn't a musician. To think that I could have kept him around if I'd just done what he asked kills me. I cannot forgive myself. I gave him all the love in the world, but I didn't do the one thing he needed most. I know exactly how you feel.

 

I would stop beating yourself up.. I know easier said than done, but if he broke up with you for that, really the relationship couldn't have been that strong.

[abust1]

I'm not sure if this is healthy or not, but I feel like all this pain I'm going through is deserved for the way I acted during my last relationship, and it somewhat comforts me. I think that comfort comes from the huge lesson I've learned!

 

Our relationship was her loving too much, putting too much emphasis on me in her life without having one of her own, while I pushed back by closing off and trying to be more independent. "Minor" cheating, lying, etc. So while we both made mistakes I'm sure it is a lot easier for her to get over the crappy things I did, while getting over her being too clingy is difficult while I'm so miserably missing her. It's almost impossible to reproduce those feelings of being smothered when I am on the complete opposite end of the spectrum now.

[trippi1432]

Wow, Sedgwick....I commend you on sticking with your passion of dancing and not giving that up to fulfill his request for his passion. Respectfully, you were both involved in the arts and that is where you shared compatibility. You should most certainly forgive yourself as he should have loved you for who you are and not what he wanted you to become.