More on Insecurity...

[johan]

My girlfriend works as a real estate assistant for some young guy, alone with him in his apartment all day every day. She’s been looking for better work and hasn’t been able to get any other jobs, and sometimes it feels like she doesn’t try very hard. She’s really great looking, so I know his mind is not always on work. Occasionally when I call they’ve been laughing about something. We’ve been having problems because SHE’s insecure. And I have no idea what she does all day. This has been a dilemma for me. Do I draw the line and tell her to give up the only job she has, when she has no savings and she has a daughter to take care of, just because I can’t handle the fact that she works with some guy she happens to like?

 

We talk and she really says the right things to me about it, and I’m generally able to tame my insecurities. I trust her. But this is so close to the line, sometimes I feel like it’s just a matter of time.

[yes]

i'd say - as long as she's looking for another job (sending out resume, going to interviews, etc), just let it be for now.

 

also, i'd pick her up from his apt a few times, just to meet the guy and show that her bf is real as can be.

 

-yes

[moimeme]

Do I draw the line and tell her to give up the only job she has, when she has no savings and she has a daughter to take care of, just because I can’t handle the fact that she works with some guy she happens to like?

 

Any guy who 'told' me to quit the only job I had would be gone immediately and forever.

[johan]

Help! This is still driving me crazy. What is OK here anyway? Where do you draw the line and how?

 

She spends all day every day alone in some guy's place with him. She says it's just professional, but he's a guy. I mean come on, what could be better, if you were him? He's single and he gets to spend his days with her in what I think is a pretty intimate and personal setting. I don't really care that that is just where he has his office. If I were single and I had some gorgeous girl coming to my house every day, I know what would be going through my mind. And she dresses sexy.

 

I've been cheated on and deceived before, and I'm just not secure enough to take this. I mean why do I need to? Why can't she just get another job? She doesn't even look for one. She just keeps going there every day and she ignores how I feel about it. I know my delivery isn't always the best. And maybe an insecure guy isn't the most attractive. But it isn't like I'm obsessive about it or showing up there or spying. I'm just losing it every once in a while. Especially when she wears my favorite skirt there. Dammit.

 

She swears she loves me, but she's very critical and judgmental of me for relatively minor things. If I took a job with a young single woman working alone with her, my girlfriend would absolutely freak out. She doesn't like me interacting with other women at all, let alone spending long hours alone at home with them.

 

I'm just not wise enough to know the right, strong way to deal with this. I'm not calm about it. Most of the time, I trust her and I feel secure. But certain things push me over the edge. It just drives me crazy that she doesn't want to make any changes that might make me feel better about this. It's not right. I have to eat this while she's criticizing me for dumb stuff like being polite and friendly to female colleages at the office.

 

It's not like I'm demanding that she quit. It's just that I'd think she'd want to, to do the best thing for us. To remove this situation that couldn't do us any good, regardless of whether she's actually fooling around with him. I mean how is this fair? I can't even email another woman, but what does she do all day every day?

 

It feels like a stupid power play. I don't play games. Maybe I'm just being a pushover. I just don't really feel like pulling out the breakup card. I just want her to knock it off.

[johan]

I feel like such an ass. Why can't I deal with this? I'm missing the secret "real man" ingredient, I guess. Seems like every guy I know deals with this stuff better than I do.

[Thinkalot]

Hi there.

 

Sounds like double standards, and that is frustrating and unfair. I've been guilty of the same thing in the past.

 

But it sounds like you are both implying pretty tough standards on each other. You need room to breathe, both of you!

 

Can you sit down and talk about boundaries and figure out an agreement, by which you both abide??

 

Something fair and reasonable. Talk about what you both will and won't accept in various situations...break it down to categories if you have to for the sake of clarity! ie..dealing with an ex, associating with friends of the opposite sex, ringing, emailing old loves....and so on.

 

Double standards are a no go though, and probably what are really ticking you off. You both need to have some trust. It's natural to worry and be jealous sometimes, but it isn't OK to control too much.

 

I've made some choices regarding my exes, to make my guy feel more comfortable...but I decided to that of my own free will.

 

He is still in touch with his ex-wife. The fact that makes me uncomfortable, I view as MY problem, and not his. But out of consideration to me, he does not contact her often at all. His choice.

 

Besides that, we trust each other enough to feel comfortable when we are mixing with the opposite sex and so on.

 

We've talked about boundaries with all the other things at length. I don't think she should have to leave her job over this...but I do think you need to talk about this stuff in detail...and find out what is REALLY bothering you. Your relationship has been volatile, and that can spark things off too.

[FreeMe]

I've read all your other posts about your girl and her insecurities and jealousies. Having been that way myself, I put myself in her shoes and I think it may make her feel better that you are a little insecure about this. If you're busy worrying about her with this guy all day, you're unlikely to be chasing after anyone else. It's faulty logic, but I can see an insecure person thinking that way.

 

Unfortunately, when you are jealous and insecure you convince yourself that you wouldn't be that way if you didn't love the person (of course, that's not true), but along with that comes the idea that jealousy in your partner is a sign of love.

 

Maybe she's not looking for another job because she enjoys keeping you on your toes. Of course, I would not accuse her of that! She'll never admit it and might not even be completely conscious of it. From your other posts it sounds like she closes her eyes to her own faults.

[johan]

FreeMe and ThinkAlot,

 

I appreciate your responses, because you both have things in common with her. At least that is my opinion. She wouldn't agree at all.

 

I have SO much hope for you two in your relationships. I just really want to see you succeed.

 

I feel like hell today. I just feel so worried, because things are so screwed up. Last night I got so mad at her for her double standards and her criticism and the fact that she doesn't see how this stuff bothers me.

 

We went to a therapist for the first time last night. He was just discovering who we are. Some of the things she said about me hurt me so much. The fact that she thinks my morals and standards for my behavior are so low and how little she trusts me. It's like a knife in my back. It feels like betrayal to know she thinks these things about me. I mean aren't your friends and lovers supposed to be on your side on things? She just thinks I'm scum. She acknowledges she has a problem, but she's doing nothing about it.

 

It's just like her job. She does nothing about that either. It doesn't pay her enough even to pay her bills (I think she's partially living off of credit cards, I try not to ask), she gets no benefits, it has no value in terms of her career, and it drives me crazy. But she won't change it. Why? I mean what could be the attraction? Most of the time I trust her, but when she comes from work wearing her sexiest clothes, and I know what's been going through his mind, I can't just handle it. Between the therapist thing and the work thing, I just had too much last night.

 

I wonder what all this means. I wonder what's behind the fact that she can't forgive me for my shortcomings. And why does she just settle into this job like this. I feel like it's sabotage. She had to know that her job would get to me and she has to know that putting the morality wall between us isn't the path to happiness. I mean I'm not trying to be controlling here, I'm just looking for some kind of common sense sensitivity from her.

 

So we argued and I really ranted. I even accused her of cheating. I feel terrible about it, but I can't get through to her what this is doing to me. It seems like getting louder is the only way to get it through to her. Not sure why I think that because that doesn't even work.

 

I'm down right now. I need to get back up. I need to find my values and get on solid footing again. It's just not going to work for me to put any responsibility for my happiness in her hands. As much as I love her, I can't really trust her like that right now. I feel so sad to say that.

[FreeMe]

I'm really sorry, Johan. What she's saying about you is not fair at all. I know there are two sides to every story, but I also understand how she is - because as you said, I have things in common with her. You're right. I am also on your side on this because I have read all your posts and thought that you were amazingly insightful and expressed your thoughts and understanding of things so well. I'm not just saying that - I really was impressed. I see the truth in the things you are saying, in the insights you have.

 

I think she is absolutely living by a double standard. What you said about the kind of clothes she wears to work makes me wonder if she is teasing this guy. If nothing is actually going on, is she getting off on his attention? I also wonder, on the other hand, if he is actually giving her any attention. I know you think she's gorgeous and she may be, but do you know for sure that he's attracted to her? Have you seen them interact? Personally, when I have been in work situations where I was getting unwanted attention, I dressed down, not up. I wouldn't invite attention if I didn't want it. That's why it makes me wonder if he even pays attention to her in the way you're worried about. Maybe she feels completely secure dressing that way because he shows no interest in her? On the other hand, does she actually get and want that attention? I don't know. I'm just throwing these possibilities out there.

 

You say that she has no benefits, doesn't make enough to pay her bills, and it's not even a good career move. It could be that she's somewhat self-destructive. Is her self-esteem low? Usually low self-esteem is behind insecurity and jealousy. Is she afraid to try to get another job?

 

I wish I had something to say to help you. If you are intent on sticking with the relationship, then counseling is the right thing to do. I just hope she will start admitting that she has problems.

[victoriasecrets]

I'm insecure about my boyfriend too. But you need to talk to her about this insecurity. If you have already done that keep doing that. I always do that. He doesn't mind it because he just wants me to be happy too. Do whatever it takes to keep her and for your happiness.

[Thinkalot]

Sorry to hear that Johan. It sounds unfair to me. The problem is, things have a way of spiralling out of control, don't they...the bad feeds the bad. Youneed to start the spiral going the other way again...good feeds good.

 

I hope counselling will help.

 

Thanks for your well wishes to me. Things with my guy are going really well...and I have made much progress in these past months. So you see...where this is a will, there is a way. But you both have to work together to get there.

 

I wish you luck. Try not tobeat yourself up for any mistakes too much too.

 

[dudesomewhere]

of all your problems and insecurities, your worries and what not one thing you mentioned is very very vital. How your mate treats you is a sign.

 

"She just keeps going there every day and she ignores how I feel about it."

 

Anytime someone disregards your feelings is a sign they either don't respect you or they are cheating. Oftentimes and usually all the time it's both. If she doesn't care about your feelings, she doesn't care about you, plain and simple. Love yourself and move on.

[AnneElizabeth]

Do you think she may be intentionally making you jealous??

 

Like her, I am also very insecure with myself. I admit that I have flirted with other guys who have been attracted to me just to get my boyfriend's attention. And believe me it does, as you obviously know. To me, it felt great to see my boyfriend jealous of another guy because it says that he loves/cares/desires me and doesn't want to see me with anyone else. He just never did a good job of making me feel beautiful or needed, so that is how i handled it. I know that is a really ****ty thing to do. So seriously think about it. Do you make her feel beautiful and loved?? Maybe she is doing this intentionally just to get your attention. Just a thought. Good luck with this!

[Thinkalot]

To be honest, from what you've said in other posts, I think your gf has issues to deal with herself, and you seem to be doing your best to understand them and give her patience. She needs to own her own issues though, and start fixing them too.